Am i holding her too much? - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-10-2011, 08:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I LOVE holding my baby. She's gotta be the best thing in the whole world. But I don't want to start a bad habit. I want her to be able to sleep on her own, which she does every now and then. When she starts fussing or crying, the only thing that calms her down is breastfeeding and then she falls asleep while i'm holding her. She's only about 3 weeks, but still. Does anyone think i should worry about this? If so, what do I do to help the situation?

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Old 05-10-2011, 08:25 AM
 
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No you are not holding her too much. 5 weeks? She is still being overloaded by all the external stimuli.  If she doesn't want to be held, that is one thing, other than that, my personal belief, is that you can't hold her too much.

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Old 05-10-2011, 08:42 AM
 
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No Mama you are not holding her too much. Nothing gets spoiled by love (not kids and not a well tended garden not a lovingly prepared meal)!!! Nursing her when she  is fussing and crying is exactly what you should be doing.

 

If there are people in your life who are telling you that you are holding her too much--just try to let their comments roll off you and know that they are wrong (you don't have to argue with them, just know inside yourself that you are giving your babe just what she needs).

 

There is some truth to the idea that a baby that is used to being put down a lot will tolerate being put down for longer periods of time, but that isn't necessarily in the babe's best interests. I held my DD all the time when she was a babe-she's now a self confident 5 year old who sleeps in a loft bed and goes on playdates without me there--she doesn't still need me to carry her around ;) !! Which is good cause now I'm carrying her little brother (same age as your DD--3 weeks) everywhere with me (he's napping on my lap as I type this).

 

Do you know about babywearing? You can carry your little one in a sling, wrap, or mei tai and have your hands free to do other stuff. If you don't already have a baby carrier of some kind, I highly recommend getting one--you can read up on slings etc on the babywearing sub forum.

 

Welcome to MDC!

 

ETA: Just wanted to say that looking back on my DD's babyhood I don't regret a single moment that I held, cuddled, snuggled, nursed, rocked, co-slept with her. Not one moment of sharing that kind of love. The baby stage passes so quick; snuggle your DD and hold her close while you can. A few years from now it'll all be a blurr--even the sleep deprivation will seem like it went by in the blink of an eye.

 

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Old 05-10-2011, 03:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Aw, thanks.

I feel like its what I should be doing, I just want her to be independant eventually.

It actually comforts me as well as comforts her. Since it hasn't been long since I had her, I like having her close all the time. It seems like its helping me adjust to not having her in the belly. Its totally different once they get here, all of a sudden they're across the room in daddy's lap and you're sitting there with your hand on your tummy, not exactly feeling right. 

 

Speaking of which, when my husband holds her and she starts crying or getting fussy with him, I automatically want to stop what i'm doing and pick her up and fix whatever is wrong...instead of letting him deal with it. Thats normal, right?

 

I'm 19 and have plenty of experiance with babies and older children. But I've never been the mommy before, so I'll probably be asking a lot or random questions like these. I just don't want to mess up.

 

& She's napping in my lap at the moment too :)

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Old 05-11-2011, 09:30 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GillysMom1991 View Post

 

Speaking of which, when my husband holds her and she starts crying or getting fussy with him, I automatically want to stop what i'm doing and pick her up and fix whatever is wrong...instead of letting him deal with it. Thats normal, right?

Yep that's normal. Try to resist the urge to snatch the baby from him...Daddys need a chance to find their own ways to comfort babe. But if she needs to nurse or is not calming down go ahead and  take her. At this age my DS definitely wants me and my milk most of the time. If he's mildly fussing and DH is handling it, then great. If he's actively crying, or strongly indicating that he wants to nurse, he comes back to Mama! :) 
 

 

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Old 05-11-2011, 09:36 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GillysMom1991 View Post

Aw, thanks.

I feel like its what I should be doing, I just want her to be independant eventually.

 


She will be independent when she's supposed to be.  At 3 weeks, or even 3 months, or 1 year, she's not going to be independent because it's not developmentally appropriate.  You will help her become secure and eventually independent by meeting her needs and giving her the love and affection she needs throughout her infancy and childhood.  :)

 


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Old 05-11-2011, 09:47 AM
 
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I'm so happy to see a young new mama posting here on MDC for reassurance!  This is the absolute best place for you to be!  I've been reading Mothering since I was 26 (almost 13 years now!) and you simply won't get better advice anywhere else.  Congrats on your new little treasure, and congrats for feeling that holding that precious babe is what you should be doing!  You are absolutely right!  Go with your instincts, new mama.  Ditto what was said about letting Daddy figure out ways to soothe his baby, and do understand that Daddy's way will NOT be the same as Mama's, and that's OK!  Absolutely get Baby back when she is not settling down though 'cause she just needs her mama.  Please check into getting a sling/wrap of some sort if you don't already own one.  If you can't afford one, please ask on here and I'd be willing to bet someone has an extra. 


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Old 05-11-2011, 11:49 AM
 
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You definitely can't hold a baby - especially one as young as yours! - too much, unless the baby doens't like it. Your baby is happy to be held, so hold her. You're building her a strong foundation of security that will help her for a lifetime.

 

And, congratulations. Enjoy your new baby! There's nothing like it, and you'll be amazed how fast it goes by.


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Old 05-11-2011, 12:16 PM
 
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Loving & comforting your baby is never a bad habit! love.gif

 

I held my son literally ALL THE TIME and he is a very mature, independent 9 year old today (who still loves a cuddle with mom!) orngbiggrin.gif


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Old 05-11-2011, 01:36 PM
 
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isn't it weird that some people think that affection is considered a bad habit? you are absolutely not spoiling your baby or giving her "bad habits" by holding her....you are giving her exactly what she needs.  i hold my baby all the time, and when i "admit" to it, i get sideways looks all the time...until i ran into a friend from high school, and she was like "that's awesome!" She's the one who told me about this site, which i love!  she has 3 kids, and she gave them a ton of affection, co slept, ect, and they are awesome, happy, well adjusted children that are a joy to be around. 


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Old 05-12-2011, 12:15 PM
 
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Babies have intense needs and comfort and safety are among the highest. To a baby, to be alone is a threat to survival. For most of human history, babies needed to be close to a primary caregiver for warmth, nourishment and safety from predators. 

 

Years ago, in the last century the idea that holding children, even kissing and hugging them, spoiled them and led to dependancy. What is now known is that giving them the comfort and safety that they need leads to confidence and earlier independance, quite the opposite of the old theory. Responding to a baby's cries quickly teaches baby that she can trust you and she learns that she is communicating correctly.

 

You are doing a great job, continue to listen to your instincts!

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Old 05-12-2011, 12:44 PM
 
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My kiddo is 26 months now and fiercely independent.  She insists on doing EVERYTHING by herself.  I held her tons as a baby and honestly I wish I had held her MORE.  I had PPD though and was so stressed out with how my body reacted postpartum as well as other major life issues happening at the same time.  I was told I was spoiling her too and that she needed to learn how to be fine on her own.  It is clear to me though that she is JUST FINE despite my ignoring the advice (although like I said, not enough)

 

She still wants to nurse to sleep and won't fall asleep any other way unless she is in the car if I am there, but it only takes a few minutes and she sleeps through the night in her own room.  Your kiddo needs to know you are still there and your kiddo still has about a billion needs she just don't know how to meet themselves yet.  As she grows, she'll want to take care of them herself because she'll know that if she can't, you'll be right there for her <3

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Old 05-12-2011, 01:41 PM
 
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Kids will always push for independence in their own time and own way- it is a natural drive as long as they are given a secure base with their significant caregivers. By holding her now you are actually setting the groundwork for her future, healthy independence. You are doing a great job :)

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Old 05-12-2011, 05:16 PM
 
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Just another mama saying that Nope, its impossible to hold them too much!

 

And, once they're 2, and they're talking and screaming and whining, you'll want to shrink them back down and give them another newborn cuddle again - so get in as many cuddles as possible now b/c we can't shrink them back down!!!!  I always wish I could go back and have more sweet newborn cuddles anyway........especially since the terrible 2's are really terrible here.  That might just be me though :)

 

Enjoy the brand new baby!!!!  LOTS of love is the best for them - the more they get the better.  It sounds like you're doing great!!

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Old 05-13-2011, 08:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I really appreciate the advice and reassurance. It definatly helps to know I'm doing something right.

My mom actually said the same thing, but I live in washington and she lives in florida (my husband is in the navy, otherwise we'd be in florida too) so extra support really helps since i cant talk to her 24/7.

 

thankyuh :)

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Old 05-14-2011, 07:21 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GillysMom1991 View Post

I really appreciate the advice and reassurance. It definatly helps to know I'm doing something right.

My mom actually said the same thing, but I live in washington and she lives in florida (my husband is in the navy, otherwise we'd be in florida too) so extra support really helps since i cant talk to her 24/7.

 

thankyuh :)



Awww.....I'm really far from my mom too (I'm in NYC and she lives in WA state), and I talked to her constantly the first few weeks, heck, I still talk to her ALL the time!

 

This is a great place to come for support - I've been here since I was pregnant, and the mama's here are amazing!

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Old 05-17-2011, 01:37 PM
 
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I'm so with all of you intuitive mommies, but I'm going to throw this out there... I have a 6 wk DD, who is sleeping on my lap as I type, who I hold every moment that I can, and I love it. But I have a  DS, too. Until April 4, I'd been holding HIM all the time for 3 years. (His perfectly normal transitions from only child to big brother and the mommy guilt derived from them are not the topics I want to discuss here, although I could talk all day about those!) My concern is related to the OP - I guess I'll put the question this way - Am I putting her down too much? Because I keep running into this snag: DD falls asleep on my lap; ten minutes later, DS needs lunch/trip to the toilet/toy from top shelf/his nap/a hug/a tickle fest/things that even with the use of a sling, I can't always do. so I set DD in the bassinet in the living room. Ten more minutes into DS's adventures, DD wakes up. She's okay, not fussing for a little while, but I've just interrupted perfectly lovely sleep, which will require anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes to restore. This is establishing, what seems to me, a pretty poor routine, right? I'm of the mind that babies should get their sleep at any cost, which is one of the reasons to hold them all the time, and I keep having to interrupt hers. Sure, DH helps when he's home from work, my mom has been coming over to play with DS, etc., but the kid has suddenly been stripped of A LOT of his mommy time, yet DD deserves, IMHO, the full-on attention that DS got for three years. Moms with plural kids, what do you do? When will I be able to/how might I encourage DD to remain sleeping when DS duty calls? How do I establish that strong sense of security in a baby that I have to keep tossing off my lap?


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Old 05-17-2011, 01:57 PM
 
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You can never hold your baby too much! This is a great place for advice and support.


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Old 05-17-2011, 06:57 PM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by kgreenemama View Post

 

I guess I'll put the question this way - Am I putting her down too much?

Because I keep running into this snag: DD falls asleep on my lap; ten minutes later, DS needs lunch/trip to the toilet/toy from top shelf/his nap/a hug/a tickle fest/things that even with the use of a sling, I can't always do. so I set DD in the bassinet in the living room. Ten more minutes into DS's adventures, DD wakes up. She's okay, not fussing for a little while, but I've just interrupted perfectly lovely sleep, which will require anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes to restore. This is establishing, what seems to me, a pretty poor routine, right? I'm of the mind that babies should get their sleep at any cost, which is one of the reasons to hold them all the time, and I keep having to interrupt hers. Sure, DH helps when he's home from work, my mom has been coming over to play with DS, etc., but the kid has suddenly been stripped of A LOT of his mommy time, yet DD deserves, IMHO, the full-on attention that DS got for three years. Moms with plural kids, what do you do? When will I be able to/how might I encourage DD to remain sleeping when DS duty calls? How do I establish that strong sense of security in a baby that I have to keep tossing off my lap?


Do you have a wrap or other type of babycarrier?  I would wear baby in a sling or wrap or mei tai while she sleeps and that way you can tend to both kiddos at the same time.  Check out the babywearing forum for some good tips.  The only time I'm anti babywearing is when you're cooking.

 

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