Desperate and Resentful: 10 month old won't go to sleep then wakes every 2 hours - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 44 Old 12-25-2013, 01:17 PM
 
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Thank you Louise for sharing your story!!!!! And thank you Redmom. This what I have been searching the whole net for. To hear if someone has ever made it through withou CIO. It will keep me going smile.gif
God willing things will get better, my LO will one day request me to let him have some sleep (alone!).I now know there's surely nothing abnormal with him not STTN at 12m. Attachment parenting was my natural inclination, I intend to continue follow my motherly instinct.

Much love xx
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#32 of 44 Old 02-26-2014, 09:18 AM
 
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I'm in the same boat with my 10.5 month old son.  I'm going nuts, and have broken down almost every day this week.  My husband has finally gone along with co-sleeping, AP and such, but I've reached a low point AGAIN, and every time this happens, he says we should just let our baby CIO.  I HATE CIO, but my husband thinks it's the best way to get him to sttn.  It doesn't help that my in-laws swear by it too.  It's hard to vent to my husband, knowing that he doesn't really condone co-sleeping, he's just going along with it when he saw how important it is to me.  I can't turn off my heart, I can't "make" my baby fall asleep, but I also can't be putting him to sleep all day and all night, and thinking about HOW I'm going to put him to sleep all day and all night.  I'm turning into monster-mom, and it's really hard when my husband doesn't truly support what I'm doing :(  When I complain to him, I'm not looking for more advice on CIO (I can get that anywhere) I'm just looking for some help and sympathy! 

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#33 of 44 Old 02-26-2014, 09:20 AM
 
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I forgot to mention I am under a time limit by my husband to try something new, because he won't stand for things being the same way that they've been.  It just makes it more stressful :(

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#34 of 44 Old 02-26-2014, 02:02 PM
 
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I thought even people that teach CIO say not to start before the child turns 1? If that is the case you could show him that to buy a little more time.

Even a few months makes a difference at this point.

Good luck.
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#35 of 44 Old 02-26-2014, 04:15 PM
 
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There are many things to try besides CIO. Some of them involve your baby, and some of them are about resetting the dynamic between your husband and you so that it's not your way vs his way.

 

- Change night nursing / feeding

 

- Change sleeping locations (this was the time when I moved my son to a crib mattress on the floor next to my bed in response to my husband's demands that something must change and he wanted to CIO. Of course, the change didn't help my son sleep any better, but it did give my husband something to focus on for about a month and half)

 

- come up with a gentle plan to for approaching sleeping that you and your husband can both deal with - The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley has many excellent suggestions and worksheets

 

- Begin a bedtime routine that involves dad

 

- Establish routines for waking during the night

 

 - Tell your husband what you need him to do to support you - believe it or not, he probably doesn't know, and thinks you want him to solve the situation

 

 - Find a way to mutually acknowledge with your husband that this is a stage - what doesn't work now will work at some time, and conversely what works for a bit will probably only work until your child hits another developmental phase

 

 - get a babysitter and go out with your husband so you have something to talk about with him besides contentious sleep issues

 

 Good luck...8-12 months is the most brutal sleep period, in my experience. It will get better, but you have to get through it.

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#36 of 44 Old 02-26-2014, 04:22 PM
 
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Oh, my other suggestion (hindsight on my part) is to stop trying to put him to sleep during the day for a few days. What I mean is to take your normal nap time but not have sleep as your goal. Think of it as cuddle time or quiet time for you together. if he sleeps, fine. If not, let him fall asleep on his own for a bit, whenever he's tired, even if that's face down on the kitchen floor. That will really help the strain on you of putting a baby to sleep all the time. You might even find that his sleep patterns have changed and he needs naps at different times than before.

 

(My son didn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time for a year, and then would scream for 30 minutes or more every time he woke up. He was exhausted and I was going crazy trying to get him to sleep. It turns out that he had medical issues, and no amount of sleep training made a difference.)

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#37 of 44 Old 02-27-2014, 07:58 AM
 
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Thanks aurahal for all your advice!!  It's definitely more difficult when you have to convince your husband that what you're doing will pay-off.  Glad to know I'm not the only one. I think my husband sort of believes it, but I'm definitely the more patient of the two of us You're right, I do need to involve him more.  I just need to trust him to be able to get our son into his crib with out waking him up! :) (He starts off in the crib and then sleeps with us after the first waking).

 

I love "the no cry sleep solution" and am reading it for about the 5th time. I also realized that my son was getting constipated from the solids (mush) I was feeding him.  He'd wake up grunting and tooting and thrashing around every morning around 4:30 or so until he was up for good around 6:30. I thought he was just gassy, but thanks to Dr. Sears I realized that all the food was too much on his tummy and causing some constipation.  No wonder his poopies were so solid!  I knew putting him in his crib wouldn't help, since he's still wake up and then wonder where Mommy is and of course freak out.  Who wouldn't in the dark? I also knew/know CIO isn't the answer, as something was clearly bothering him. Since then he's been better with the gas, but still wakes up frequently.  Now that he can crawl, he's been using me as a jungle gym all night.  I finally hung up sheets and blankets in our room to darken it.  I'd had a lot of luck doing that in his room, realizing that he gets so stimulated so easily.  It's been much easier getting him to nap with a darker room, so I hope that by keeping our room darker at night, he won't be able to see anything and will realize it's still time to sleep!

 

How old is your son now?  What were the issues he had?  I hope it was nothing too serious.  Do you have any suggestions for a routine in the middle of the night?  I usually just nurse him again, but then that causes more gas and burps, which in turn keep him up even more!  I'm usually just too tired to do anything else.

 

I hope you were able to work things out with your husband!  Parenting definitely takes a lot of teamwork!!!

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#38 of 44 Old 02-27-2014, 01:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Mamas

 

I'm the mama who wrote the original post - that was over 2 years ago.  My son is now 3 and he sleeps perfectly.

 

For us, it got better just after 13 months when he "only" woke 3 times a night, then once he hit 2 years it was just once a night, at 2.5 he started STTN completely - and I think we were probably the extreme case. It got better on its own, without any intervention from us.

 

Also I found out there is a developmental leap at around 10 months which can cause a huge sleep regression.

 

Hubs and I got through the worst time by taking turns sleeping with our son.  Hubs would sleep with him for the first part of the night until he wanted to nurse, then I would sleep with him for the rest of the night.  At least each of us had some mental downtime where we weren't on parenting duty.  

But it was so incredibly hard at the time.  We tried everything and nothing changed how he slept, so we just accepted that and concentrated on getting through each night and each day.  ANd that was a relief b/c then I didn't feel like I had to be fixing something.

Above all, please be very kind and gentle with yourself.  

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40 y/o married Mama, 3 y/o DS, Angel Baby lost in Sep 2013, Angel Baby lost March 2014.
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#39 of 44 Old 02-27-2014, 11:04 PM
 
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What time do you start this ritual of getting him to bed?

Maybe just try getting you, baby and hubby into same bed at night whenever you and hubby are ready for bed. 10pm or even 11pm so you're all on same schedule and sleep in harmony.

Put on some rain music, relaxation piano music, zen, spa stuff for deep sleep that is 8+ hours in duration (youtube has plenty) , that way if baby wants to wake the music keeps him calm. Lower room temperature. Make sure your son has a full belly and milk right before bed, also put some sort of background noise like a small fan on so it's not dead silent. All these things have been proven in studies to keep sleepers asleep. The white noise has a calming rhythm effect to reassure REM sleep subconsciously.

Is he too hot or cold or does he wake bc of wet diaper ? Wants to be comforted? Is he hungry?

Young earthy Mom of 3yr & 6 months ~ co sleeper ~ breast feeder ~ baby wearer ~ homebirther ~ namaste.gif
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#40 of 44 Old 02-28-2014, 11:21 AM
 
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Middle of the night routines are best when super simple, quiet and totally predictable. Boring, really. Just, "I love you. Night is for sleeping. We'll snuggle in the morning." With a pat on the back. Or whatever works for your situation. Just keep it really consistent so that a jangled kid can rely on it.

 

If your baby has gas or reflux problems, don't try to tank him up before sleep. That can backfire. Try eating then playing for a few minutes to let the food settle.

 

I agree that consistent sound can help with an easily stimulated baby. That's one reason why mama breathing in sleep is so soothing. Tabletop waterfall or a metronome seems to work well for us at times. 

 

About the crawling at night - it's a phase and he'll get through it. He's probably close to learning to walk. Give him LOTS of opportunity to be VERY active right before bed. Play chase games on the bed and around the house. Hold his hands while he jumps on the bed, etc. Bath before bed also good for splashing, kicking, etc. We did also joint compression and weighting, by taking a pillow and pressing it down around him while he lay on the bed, from feet to head. Not so hard on the head, obviously! :)

 

Again, that's why I moved my son to his own at this point. I put a crib mattress on the floor between a wall and my bed (just a mattress and box spring on the floor), then lined the two walls at the head of his mattress with a sheet covered camping mattress to keep it soft. I put a dresser at the end of my bed, reaching to the wall, so that there wasn't anywhere for my son to go without going over me. Totally safe, right next to me, I could even have a hand on him to soothe him, and yet I didnt' get kicked all night.

 

Becuase my son's issues were feeding-related, I worked really hard to lengthen the time between nursing at night, and to stop nursing at night altogether as soon as I could. It made a big difference. There are two ways to reduce nursing - space out the feedings, reduce food amount at feedings. Both are tough emotionally on baby and mama. This is where you have to really  know what you're trying to achieve (what problems you're solving). Your husband can help immensely with changing the expectations and routines around night feeding.

 

Good luck!

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#41 of 44 Old 03-01-2014, 02:58 AM
 
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I'm sorry to hear that things are so exhausting. I wanted to share this blog post that I wrote Sleeping Through the Night. It's all about how I helped my daughter to sleep, without using traditional sleep training. I hope it's useful to you. At the time I co-slept with her and heard all sorts of advice about how it was the co-sleeping that was causing her to wake, but I realised that this wasn't the case at all. I hope it helps and you get a good night's sleep soon! 

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#42 of 44 Old 03-01-2014, 07:24 AM
 
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Thanks for the great link stellastar!  It all makes sense, and I guess the idea of never letting our babies cry becomes so routine, that we don't even think about it.  I'm at the point where I respond out of habit, not necessarily compassion.  I'm just so burnt out and frustrated. But then again, most like my baby is too!  I've actually found as well that when I've left him in his crib to cry (during one of MY meltdowns), I've felt better after coming to him, knowing I could connect and help him.  While I don't plan on doing that if I can help it, the idea of letting him cry in my arms is interesting, and something I'm DEFINITELY willing to try at this point!  Thanks for the info!

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#43 of 44 Old 03-01-2014, 09:22 AM
 
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Hi Molly, I'm really glad that this idea makes sense to you. Let me know how it goes! It can be hard sometimes listening to our children's upsets, but it's worth it, to see how relaxed and happy they are after letting go of their stress. Good luck! 

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#44 of 44 Old 06-12-2014, 03:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Redmom View Post
Our 10 month old has been waking every 1-2 hours since he was about 4 months.
 
If that wasn't bad enough lately he will not go to sleep easily.  On a good night I hold him and walk him around the room until he falls asleep which usually takes 10 minutes.  Lately even after 30+ minutes of doing this, although he will be asleep in my arms, the moment I place him in the crib he wakes and immediately starts screaming.  He is getting heavier now so it is physically exhausting holding him and carrying him around.
 
He has never been a baby that we can place in the crib "drowsy but awake" otherwise he starts screaming.
 
I am just so incredibly exhausted, frustrated, desperate and resentful. I feel like I have no life of my own any more.  I'm a stay at home mom, so during the day I have no energy to really be present for my son.  I feel like I have nothign left to give him and that there is nothing left of me.
 
Our whole evening ends up being devoted to putting him to sleep.  Even then he will wake 1-2 hours later and the process gets repeated.  This is even before my husband or I get to sleep.
 
When we go to sleep, one of us co-sleeps with him and the other sleeps on the sofa.  Then halfway through the night we swap.  This was at least giving us of us a decent stretch of sleep.  But lately with his resisting sleep, I am physically and emotionally spent.
 
I belong to a mom's group, all nice ladies, but their babies all sleep pretty much through the night, and they say their bedtime routine involves putting baby down awake, who then falls asleep on their awake.  This makes me feel so alone and resentful to learn that there are other parents who are having such an easy time getting their baby to sleep.  I see how much energy and how carefree these moms are, relatively speaking. 
 
It makes me wonder "why me, why us?".  We are good, loving parents, and through no fault of our own have a baby who has trouble sleeping. 
 
Every day I wake up feeling worse.  I find myself mentally tuning out from my son during the day.  I don't feel like playing with him, I just want to sit and tune out.  My focus of each day is nap time, when I put him down for a nap I take one too.  This is what I look forward to each day.  I feel so sad that I don't look forward to playing with my son each day.
 
I am worried that this experience will damage the bond between my son and I.  I am honestly not enjoying being a mother right now.  I sometimes wish I never had a baby, because of what my life has become.
 
My husband and I have looked for help in the medical community but the advice ends up being to let him cry it out, which we do not advocate.
 
I feel so incredibly alone in dealing with this issue.  The only thing that gets me through is sharing how I feel on this board.
 
I am just so desperate. Everyone says "it will get easier", but for us it has not gotten any easier.  Every day is harder and harder to get through.
 
I never thought being a mother would feel as horrible as I feel these days.
I feel like I wrote this post! This is 100 percent how you feel I'm at my end with solutions. We have tried CIO 20 minutes if crying is enough for me! I hope you figure out a solution!
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