Feeling caught in-between toddler and partner - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 06-09-2012, 08:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello there everyone,

My daughter is 17 mos, and we have been co-sleeping since the beginning, and I've always loved it. My partner (not husband) has been really supportive, although he never got too involved or read any of the literature I gave him. He always said it was my decision, and he'd support it. Around 1 year old, we moved to a new apartment, which allowed us to give her her "own room" (previously only 1 bedroom). So we put a twin mattress on the floor for her, and I've been moving between the adult bed and her bed ever since...usually starting out in our bed, then moving to hers at her first waking (3 or so hours after her bedtime), and sometimes going back to our bed in early morning. It's clear to me that she can't sleep without my presence, and that's fine -- I love being able to comfort her, nurse her, and have her fall back asleep so easily. I really do love co-sleeping.

But I also love sleeping with my partner...and miss that, and am wondering if anyone else has been in this situation? I tried Dr. Jay Gordon's method of night-weaning when she was 13 months, but after a week, she and I were both exhausted and miserable, so we stopped...now that she's old enough to understand the concept of going to bed (she helps put her bears to bed, we say goodnight to lots of people and turn the light out together, she's able to fall asleep without nursing, just with me there), I was thinking about trying it again just so she can sleep better at night.

Writing this, I can see how partly I also really just want some support for co-sleeping...my friends don't do it and I think my partner wishes we had let her cry it out in the beginning, even though he says he respects my decisions. I'm sad that we have this difference in our parenting, but do feel strongly that I've done and continue to do the best thing for our girl...

Any advice would be welcome...thanks.

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#2 of 7 Old 06-10-2012, 05:55 AM
 
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Just wanted to send some hugs and support! Im not very experienced, so don't have lots of advice, but many ladies here do! I think you are a great mama for wanting to be there to nurture your little girl through the night!

My son is 16 months and my husbands level of support sounds similar to yours. He is still in our bed right now but I am starting to get more and more comments here and there about how he is "old enough to sleep through the night" and how he thinks *I* need to sleep through the night and all. Sure, I would love more than 3-4 hours max of solid sleep, but I also love cosleeping and I know it won't last forever. Also my son does not nurse during the day (his choice), so if we force night weaning, he will be totally weaned. Sure I am tired after some of the more restless nights, but I figure this is teething and what not and I would be up with him on these nights regardless of where he slept!


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#3 of 7 Old 06-13-2012, 11:01 AM
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If you both want to co-sleep, then keep on doing it. :)  My husband was super supportive and digs having our DD in our room (well, most of the time winky.gif) but I got a lot of questions from other folks (my parents, friends, etc)

 

Truthfully, my kiddo didn't sleep solidly through the night until she was 3 or so.  She night nursed until she was nearly 3 (we tried night weaning twice...it went...badly.) and she stopped on her own, without a backward glance when she was ready.  But even after she stopped she still woke up and wanted to cuddle, or looked for me.  Now because she was right next to me, she found me quickly and settled back in without waking all the way up.  If she had to walk in from another room, wake me up, get walked back to her bed and then settled in, we both would have lost a ton of sleep.  Even now, around 6 am she rolls over to her dad and cuddles - then steals his warm spot in the bed when her gets up. lol.gif

 

I never found the point where I would be getting *more* sleep if she was in another room, you know?  Only less and more broken sleep. ( I should add that CIO is not an option at our house.)

 

It sounds like you and your DD are doing exactly what you need to do for the both of you. hug2.gif It is a bummer when your partner isn't on the same page.  Remember though, everything changes so fast, and it is possible that your daughter may decide she wants to be on her own far sooner than you imagined. This, in the grand scheme of things is a pretty short period of time.


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#4 of 7 Old 07-05-2012, 08:31 PM
 
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I don't mean to hijack this thread, but I am still having this problem and my son is 3. We bought him a big boy bed when he was 1 1/2, and I have been sleeping with him in it ever since. We had a family bed when he was a baby, but my husband and I only have a Queen size bed, so all 3 of us don't fit in it anymore.  I really thought this would be over by now, but my son wakes up and cries when I sneak back to my own bed. Also nursing him down makes me sleepy and I fall asleep most of the time, so I couldn't come back to bed if I wanted to.

 

There is an added unpleasant oedipal element to it because he's a boy and I feel like he and my husband are always warring over me.  I constantly feel pulled between them, but I almost always pick my son because I figure my husband is a grownup and has more coping tools then a toddler.

 

Can anyone tell me when will this be over?? I thought maybe when my son is done nursing, but his latch has gotten really lazy of late and it seems like that's winding down, but the co-sleeping goes on, even when we don't nurse. He screams and cries if I try to put him in bed by himself.  He goes to sleep by himself fine for any other caretaker but me.

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#5 of 7 Old 07-11-2012, 12:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LollyMom View Post

I don't mean to hijack this thread, but I am still having this problem and my son is 3. We bought him a big boy bed when he was 1 1/2, and I have been sleeping with him in it ever since. We had a family bed when he was a baby, but my husband and I only have a Queen size bed, so all 3 of us don't fit in it anymore.  I really thought this would be over by now, but my son wakes up and cries when I sneak back to my own bed. Also nursing him down makes me sleepy and I fall asleep most of the time, so I couldn't come back to bed if I wanted to.

 

There is an added unpleasant oedipal element to it because he's a boy and I feel like he and my husband are always warring over me.  I constantly feel pulled between them, but I almost always pick my son because I figure my husband is a grownup and has more coping tools then a toddler.

 

Can anyone tell me when will this be over?? I thought maybe when my son is done nursing, but his latch has gotten really lazy of late and it seems like that's winding down, but the co-sleeping goes on, even when we don't nurse. He screams and cries if I try to put him in bed by himself.  He goes to sleep by himself fine for any other caretaker but me.

 

First, I just want to offer some support.  It's tough.  You'll get through it.  This won't last forever.  Promise!

 

I also want to say that the nursing relationship is just that:  a relationship.  If it's not working for you to continue to nurse, then it's okay to think about weaning.  

 

Is it possible to have someone else besides you put him to bed for a while (especially if you decide to try to wean)?  

 

Another option might be to bring your son's bed into your room so you're all sleeping in the same place (if not the same actual bed).  Do you think that would help?  That way you're choosing your son AND your husband, you know?

 

It sounds like he's just not ready to be away from you at night.  And if that's okay with you, then just roll with it.  It's okay to meet his needs while taking care of your own needs, too.  

 

Hang in there, Mama.  hug2.gif


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#6 of 7 Old 07-12-2012, 04:36 AM
 
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I have to say try getting him in his own bed now rather than later. We have an almost 6 year old boy who has always slept in the family bed. His dependency on going to sleep with someone with him has gotten worse. We can't even have company after his bedtime. He is so used to having someone sleep with him that he wakes up frequently and if someone is not there he goes looking for someone. I really feel that he has regressed and now has attachment issues. If I had to do it over again I would say no to the family bed.

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#7 of 7 Old 07-14-2012, 06:22 PM
 
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We have a five year old and now a new little one in our bed too.

 

I also miss the days of being close to dh. But l also love the family bed. I love being in bed while bedtime stories are being read. I love being silly, the laughs, being able to comfort either one of the kids easily. I don't often have to get out of bed & it works great for us! I also feel safe having everyone at arms length.

 

Its ok to feel the way you do. For me what changed it is simply surrendering. This will pass and our children will move on to other phase then l will have dh all to myself again.

 

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