bio-dad not ok with SD cosleeping - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 2 Old 12-19-2012, 10:53 AM - Thread Starter
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Hello everyone. I've been a looooong time lurker, and have almost always been able to find input on any concern I've had without a need to post a new thread. But now I'm lost and I could use some advice and/or guidance/direction.

I'm not sure if this would be better posted in the blended family section, so I cross posted in both. Please let me know if that was not the appropriate action.

My 5 year old son's biological father and I shared a home for financial reasons until a few months ago. We have slept apart for most of my son's life, but my son has shared a bed with either his dad or with me (most often me) since he was born. Dad & I have not been romantically an "item" for many years, and DS knows that.

I began sharing a rented room with my BF a few months ago. DS's father has expressed deep-seated concern over DS sharing a family bed with BF and me. His dad and I have discussed it, and he's said that he would be okay with it if we could get a "professional" to say it wouldn't harm DS's emotional or mental well-being.... which IMHO is a little extreme and possibly an "out" for him, especially considering how incredibly strapped for $ we are. However, we are both very open and honest with one another, and i know full well that his concerns are very real for him, rooted in genuine concern for our son. Out of respect for his wishes, my BF and I agreed that BF would sleep on a twin mattress while my DS is with me.

The general plan for the future is that in a few months when BF and I move into our own apartment, we will gently transition DS to his own bed in his own room, likely by starting with me cosleeping with him on his own bed, with him being allowed to come into our room whenever he awakens in the night, if he wishes.

However, time is showing that this solution is not working for BF or me. He feels 'ousted' from what is supposed to be a FAMILY bed. My DS is quite comfortable with BF and has fallen asleep for naps and such with him. I agree that BF is being ousted from fulfilling an important element in our family.


Additionally, I'm also now pregnant. My concerns for the family cohesiveness is further deepened, as BF and I plan to cosleep with the infant. I don't know how to ease my ex's concerns, but MY concerns are eating away at me. As it is right now, BF is on the floor, excluded from DS's & my "family" bed. We're supposed to transition DS to his own room just months before the new baby arrives, which, to me, seems like it sends the message to my DS that a) BF has taken DS's place in "my" bed, swiftly followed by a) new baby has taken over DS's place in the FAMILY bed.


I'm hoping this isn't too disjointed to make sense of.

I could really use some feedback or suggestions.

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#2 of 2 Old 12-20-2012, 11:43 PM
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Why don't you just get your DS to sleep on the mattress on the floor? At 5yo I think he's old enough to be OK with that and it will make it a lot easier to transition him into his own bed and his own room.


I have to admit that I don't understand why your ex thinks it would be "harmful" for your son to share a bed with your BF unless he is worried about SA, in which case I'd say you have bigger problems.

It's complicated.
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