If your child was still co-sleeping at age 7... how much longer? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 42 Old 05-18-2013, 09:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How much longer did it go on? How many others co-sleeping with a 6-7 year old?

 

Our ped is AWESOME and was reassuring recently (I wouldn't talk to most medical folks about co-sleeping with an older child, but she completely understands) when I brought it up at a well visit. I think what is throwing us off is that our older child was begging to sleep in her own room before she was 3 yo and pretty much has been fine ever since, with some brief exceptions when she had problems with environmental allergies.

 

So we have the twin next to the queen... my 7 yo used to have night terrors which terrified me and had me worried about her safety (she'd walk right off the side of a bed, we had tall stairs, etc). I noticed over time that she stays asleep if there is someone with her. When she was younger I'd nurse her to sleep or whatever we did, and sneak out... I'd get an hour or two before she stirred (sometimes dh could just lay her back down and she'd be immediately asleep, or I could, or other times I would just go to bed, etc.) The quality of her sleep has really improved, meaning I don't expect her to always wake up if I'm not there, but she really can't fall asleep alone, so I lay with her. Which is fine. She still stays asleep better if someone is with her. If she is sick I have no hope of sneaking away!

 

Her ped thinks that maybe the transition will be easier closer to age 8... I have to admit that if she was the kind of kid who if she had a hard night could come sleep on a sleeping bag next to my bed, that would be fine... but she is still pretty intense at night. She sleeps in the crack between our beds, and is basically touching me or throwing her body on me in some way throughout the night. Depending on the time of month, I can deal with it or not. I try to roll her or scootch her to the middle of her bed as much as I can do so.

 

We have tried about 8-10 times various approaches to encourage more sleep independence, but they have all upset her greatly. Her ped suggested that we not push for now, because by pushing her we may cause her to cling more tightly. (So perhaps that has happened in the past...)

 

Dh is kinda over this. He'd like her in a different sleeping space. If she was ready and excited and positive about it, I'm fine with it and I'm sure I'd quickly get used to it, but I don't feel the same urgency about it as he does. I would still sort of like to know, in that small population of 7 year olds who need to cosleep still, how long past 7 that transition seemed to happen naturally, how long it took, did you really have to instigate it, or did you follow your child's lead. I sort of feel like well we have done it for this long, might as well let her decide when she wants to move on. I just can't imagine her being 9 yo like my other daughter is currently and still wanting to sleep with us! But then, I thought she'd be done by this age, really, so I should stop comparing...

 

Thanks! :)


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#2 of 42 Old 05-20-2013, 05:16 AM
 
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I personally don't think there is an age which is too old to provide night comfort to your child. But you need to decide what is best for the family.  I have come to recognize that it's important for our children to feel relaxed and no anxiety going to bed by themselves.  They are now at ages where they may sleep over with Grandparents, have sitters who are there at bedtime etc and I really want them to feel like their own bed is a haven and a place to sleep. I think there are lots of things you can do to help her transition back to that. Starting with talking to her about how she feels and how important it is for her to be capable of falling asleep in her own bed.  That doesn't mean it will happen over night but you can agree to work towards it. 
 

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#3 of 42 Old 05-20-2013, 05:41 AM
 
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OP:  I feel like you wrote the post I'll be writing in a few years.  Our 4yo has a lot of similar sleep needs.  

Up until a month ago or so she was in bed with us and her little brother, all in a king.  But it got too crowded and no one was sleeping well.

For a spell, she'd been okay in a twin at the end of our bed, but that was short lived.  However, we decided to try it again, rather than split us up into two rooms.  I'd been in another bed with our 19mo, while DP was in the king with the 4yo.  I didn't like that.  I wanted us all together again, so we suggested the twin at the end of our bed again, and she was into the idea, if only to keep up all in the same room.

All of this to say that our ped knows about our sleeping arrangements too, and he said that if she's still in our bed/room now, it's going to be for a long time and not to push it any time soon.

Right now, we're happy with her at the end of the bed, except that DP ends up in there with her a fair bit after comforting her in the night.

I imagine that our 4yo will sleep in our room indefinitely, and I predict that her brother won't be.  He's a different child, and I imagine he'll look forward to his own space, unlike his sister.


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#4 of 42 Old 05-20-2013, 12:06 PM
 
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If cosleeping at this age is so rare or taboo, why would the pediatricians claim to know so much about the situation? That confounds me. Either there are an awful lot of closeted older-child cosleeping families who talk about it with pediatricians, or the docs are just making some pretty broad guesses.

We still cosleep with our 5yo, since it would feel pretty rude to boot him out while DD is still in bed with us. We use 2 queen mattresses up against each other. Eventually, we hope to move toward a sibling bed and a parent bed. it's anyone's guess how long that might be, though.

If they go to a different room all alone after sleeping with others their whole life, it will likely be a hard transition at any age. I think going from family bedroom to sibling bedroom helps ease that. Surely by tween age, kids will not want so much closeness at night. Right?
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#5 of 42 Old 05-20-2013, 12:37 PM
 
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7, 5 and 15months.... they can share the family bed for as long as they want....

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#6 of 42 Old 05-22-2013, 08:30 AM
 
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I also want to know. We cosleep with all our kids, oldest DD is 7. I cannot get her to her own room now, she would be by herself, while the other two are still with us. I can try to get the two oldest out (DS (5) and DD( 7)) together maybe. Who has experience with this?
 

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#7 of 42 Old 05-22-2013, 09:08 AM
 
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We are still with our girls, 6.5 and 8.  They would do fine, with a transition period, but we have 1 bedroom for right now, and mostly I like it.  What I don't like really has little to do with sharing the bed.  I know and know of plenty of kids who slept with parents or in their rooms until 11 or later--usually not much later, but that depends on the situation.  

 

So, your daughter could be there a while, if you are waiting for her needs to lessen.  In my house, the decision lies with the parent who will be doing the nighttime parenting--and that's me.  If your responsibilities are shared, then the decision can be less unilateral.  

 

We also have a huge-bed set up.  It is not a perfect situation, but all-in-all I love curling up with my girls.  I don't love when their knees get into my back, but......


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#8 of 42 Old 05-24-2013, 03:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think that my biggest issue, personally, is that she still wants to touch me all night long. Sometimes I can "handle it" but other times it just drives me really nutty.

 

I think if we had a 3rd child who was a couple of years younger (like 3-5 yo) that those two little ones would happily be sleeping together. But life circumstances weren't right for us to do that. Maybe a dog would help lol.

 

I guess I will be doing this for a while!
 


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#9 of 42 Old 05-24-2013, 03:53 PM
 
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When my oldest (6, will be 7 in July) started kindergarten, is when I switched her to her own bed. I felt like she was old enough to be on her own. She occasionally still sleeps with me. I don't really let her do it anymore as I have a 7 week old. We have a trindle bed, so there is not enough space for 3. She is mostly okay with that as she is still in the same room.

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#10 of 42 Old 05-24-2013, 04:36 PM
 
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My 7 yo also sleeps on a twin beside our queen bed. I like the Japanese view that kids can decide when to have their own room. Also, kids' immune systems are boosted when they feel secure, so I feel that anything that boosts security and happiness is also healthy.
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#11 of 42 Old 05-24-2013, 04:45 PM
 
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Kids can be so different... my oldest put himself in his own room at 3 and never looked back! Right now, I can't imagine my 7yo ever leaving. LOL
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#12 of 42 Old 11-21-2013, 05:50 PM
 
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Glad I found this thread.  My 7 yr old still sleeps w me.  DH comes home very late and it has just been more convenient that way.

I am a very light sleeper. Now DH is resentful. We went to a therapist and she said that DS not sleeping by himself is detrimental to his development and that no therapist would disagree.  I disagree and wish I could find info on it.  My son is very secure and a wonderful kid.   I just love c osleeping and am sure DS will want to move to his own room soon enough.  Unfortunately, DH is angry about it.:(

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#13 of 42 Old 11-22-2013, 10:29 AM
 
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What an arrogant therapist 1967.

My 6 year old doesn't show any signs of stopping. When I was pregnant last year we changed the house from my room and his room to sleeping room and playing room. DP (doesn't live with us) is getting used to the idea.
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#14 of 42 Old 11-22-2013, 10:31 AM
 
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people have co slept  since the beginning of time...that should make the therapist question herself

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#15 of 42 Old 11-22-2013, 10:55 AM
 
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Its been such a hard battle w DH and now the therapist confirmed and agreed all his thoughts.  I guess the good news is that DS is getting older and will soon want his own bed.   Lately, I feel like the world is out to get me.:(

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#16 of 42 Old 11-22-2013, 11:15 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by es1967 View Post
 

Its been such a hard battle w DH and now the therapist confirmed and agreed all his thoughts.  I guess the good news is that DS is getting older and will soon want his own bed.   Lately, I feel like the world is out to get me.:(

I wonder if you could get a 2nd opinion from a therapist with a knowledge of attachment parenting.

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#17 of 42 Old 11-22-2013, 11:20 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by contactmaya View Post
 

I wonder if you could get a 2nd opinion from a therapist with a knowledge of attachment parenting.

Yes, DH did say we could get another therapist if I did not like her.  I already have found another but am wondering if I should see her myself before bringing DH.  I guess I could call her and ask her if she has knowledge of attachment parenting.   Its just so darn expensive!

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#18 of 42 Old 11-22-2013, 01:17 PM
 
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Mine is 5-1/2 and still co-sleeping.  

 

It's somewhat circumstantial:  I lived in a 3-bedroom house with 2 kids.  Then - all in one year - I got married, my husband got custody of his son from before and we had a baby.  Squoosh!  My kids (the oldest 2) shared a room and when the youngest was ~3, we put a bed for him in my step-son's room.  However, the baby's schedule did not jive in any way with that of his brother (then in 6th grade).  We're building an addition for the older 3 kids, with bedrooms and another bathroom.  I keep hearing that it's a couple weeks from being complete, but it's been a l-o-n-g time in the building.  So, the littlest one is still in our bed.

 

But it's not entirely forced upon us.  Our son did not want to sleep alone.  My husband (who thought this was so important) missed cuddling with him at night.  And I see the changes in him, now.  I'd be surprised if we have more than a few months left, when he even wants to sleep with us.  When his brothers move upstairs, I think he's going to be pretty excited about having his own space, and our dog sleeping with him.  (She currently sleeps with an older brother, but is afraid to climb the stairs.)  So, social convention be damned.  Why not enjoy our last few snuggly nights?

 

I think the only way you can mess up co-sleeping is if you're not honest with yourself.  Is your daughter still needing to sleep with you?  Then no one else can really set an arbitrary time when that becomes "inappropriate".  She'll stop wanting to, sometime before puberty.  I guarantee it.  Or, if you're just tired of it, no one can blame you for transitioning her out, at 7.  If you were encouraging a kid who's ready to sleep on her own to stay in your bed, because you're lonely, stressed, or having marital problems, then I'd say you're not the first, but once you recognize it, you should change your approach.

 

Legally? This was actually an issue, in my husband's custody battle.  His ex-wife moved with their 7-y-o son, from a 3-bedroom house in the Midwest, to a studio apartment with one bed, in a tony neighborhood in California.  Their sleeping together was pretty clearly an example of Mom being lonely (and not recognizing that her son's need for some personal space should trump her "need" to live in an enviable zip code).  Mom and son were close, but he felt embarrassed enough to lie about their sleeping arrangements and not have friends over.  The highly-regarded custody evaluator who interviewed all of them and testified at their trial said co-sleeping should positively end by age 9; and that Mom's failure to even give her 7-y-o the option of a bedroom separate from her was not, of itself, a reason to change custody, but it supported his recommendation that (for various other reasons) living with Dad seemed better.


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#19 of 42 Old 11-22-2013, 09:19 PM
 
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My son coslept until he was 11.5 and i adopted a baby. He mightve gone on longer, i dont know. He only coslept when we stayed at my mom's house (we slept there half of each week as i was her caregiver and i had a queensize bed there)...at our apt i only had a twin so he couldnt really share my bed. I have a five (nearly six) yr old now (well, two of them) and i dont think he's going to be willing to sleep on his own anytime soon. 


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#20 of 42 Old 11-25-2013, 06:32 PM
 
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Not sure if there is a thing as part time co-sleeping? My 7 and 4 year old start off in their beds (they share a room) and comes over in ours sometime in the wee morning. My 2 1/2 cosleeps with me full time. They didn't chose to be on their own. We just got a room ready for them and would take them in there, read them a story and stay there until they fall asleep. I guess in a few years they may want complete bed independance not sure.

 

I do have a cousin that even in her teens she would still try and go in her parents bed now and then usually when she watches a scary movie, it was nice to see that even at that age they can still feel comfortable to be comforted my a parent..  

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#21 of 42 Old 11-29-2013, 08:33 PM
 
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All three are in our room. My almost 6 year old is in her own twin at the foot of our bed. She doesn't like being alone. The arrangement works great for us and we all sleep well as long as we have a fan on for a bit of white noise. We are in no rush to boot her out. She and ds (2years) have their own beds in another room for whenever they feel the need for that.
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#22 of 42 Old 12-05-2013, 09:43 PM
 
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My oldest son hasn't really coslept since he was 4-5, but until the age of 8 he was regularly climbing in our bed in the middle of the night or snuggling with me while falling asleep, to be moved to his bed afterwards. But around the age of 8 he lost interest. Even if he does climb in my bed at bedtime, he doesn't cuddle with me anymore and he no longer climbs into my bed in the morning for snuggles. Makes me kind of sad :-( but I guess he just outgrew the need for that. His younger sister outgrew it earlier, but he was always 'needier' than her.

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#23 of 42 Old 12-07-2013, 01:56 PM
 
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One of the adults (either me or my dh) sleeps upstairs in the kids' shared bedroom.  They are 7 and 9.  Everyone has separate beds, and sleeps separately unless there is a nightmare which is rare.  It's the size of an entire floor so each person has their own area.

 

My 9 year old would have been fine, I think, sleeping alone in a room when she was 7.  She hasn't asked for her own room.  

 

My 7 year old has a really hard time with the idea of sleeping by herself.  

 

I stay upstairs as they fall asleep, then go down to my husband and my bedroom to hang out, then one of us return to sleep w/the kids -- usually me.

 

I don't particularly tell people -- I would never bring it up with a doctor -- I don't see it as a medical issue.  

 

I like it -- I think if the kids want that kind of closeness, I will provide it.  I enjoy it too.  Sometimes I wish I had my own space, but really, the tradeoff is great.  I don't see them much in the day because of school, it's a nice time to reconnect.

 

So much of these things are determined by the layout of the house.  We don't have a lot of bedrooms.  Also, my dh snores so we can't sleep together.


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#24 of 42 Old 12-11-2013, 11:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well... my 7.5 year old is STILL sleeping with us! Ha. And I'm due in April. She tells me that when the baby comes, she will scoot her bed a few feet away. She will be 8 yo then. We will see! But something will need to change, for logistical reasons. I have heard that many kids do respond to the needs of a new sibling once they come along.


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#25 of 42 Old 12-11-2013, 07:16 PM
 
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We just added a twin at the bottom of the queen. DS,6 yo is excited to sleep on it so far. We'll see in a couple of weeks. He sleeps like a rock so the crying baby didn't bother him. Good luck.
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#26 of 42 Old 12-25-2013, 10:40 PM
 
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Following!

 

My DD5 will be 6 in March and is still co-sleeping. I co-sleep with my DD2 as well. My thoughts have been that this stage will pass. One day they will not have interest in co-sleeping and ask to be in their own bed/in their own room. I would like other opinions, however.

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#27 of 42 Old 12-26-2013, 04:54 AM
 
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Every kid is different.  I only have one child left who is "co-sleeping" and he is 13.  The other 3 are younger and occasionally pop in to "the big bed" to sleep but he consistently sleeps in my room and has his own bed on the floor.  Very rarely does he actually join us in the  bed though.

 

He doesn't like that he still sleeps here.  He would rather be "normal" and sleep in his own room alone but it is scary for him.  We made a big deal for a while working toward a plan to get him comfortable in his own room.  But it ended up just being added stress for everyone and we stopped bothering.  He'll get it when he gets it, I guess!

 

It does make adult relations harder.  A 3 year old on the floor is one thing, a 13 year old feels very different!  Nighttime sex is mostly a thing of the past around here, because he needs someone with him while he is sleeping.


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#28 of 42 Old 12-28-2013, 07:01 PM
 
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My little girl just turned 6 in September and is still co-sleeping...she is just now able to go into the bedroom and go to sleep by herself without needing me there...I have a Queen bed and we share that but I do have a toddler bed in storage if I need it...LOL Unless something happened to it over there and it isn't any good which is probably the case...LOL..I am hoping to get a 2 bedroom this spring or summer if my name comes up for one...they are rare where we live and the rent is the same...I think when we do L will be excited to be in her own room at first but I have no doubt that by midnight she will be right back in my bed...

 

I am okay with it right now..When she is ready for her own bed she will get it even if we are still in this apartment..I will get her own bed...

 

My son coslept till age 5 then he went to his own and never looked back....LOL

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#29 of 42 Old 12-29-2013, 06:40 AM
 
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We went from:

  • complete co-sleeping at 7, to
  • me lying down with my son until he fell asleep in his own bed (then slipping out to spend time with dh and then go to sleep in my own bed), to
  • lying down with him for ten minutes then leaving while he was half-asleep, to
  • tucking him into bed and sitting in a chair in the room to read for ten minutes before leaving.

 

Now he's 9 and sleeping by himself in a loft bed in his room. Sometimes I stay and read for a bit after I tuck him in and sometimes I just kiss and go. He's welcome to come cuddle with me in my bed if he wants but he rarely does. I love that bedtime has always been a good and happy time for him (and I love that bit of structured reading time just for me!)

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#30 of 42 Old 01-29-2014, 01:33 PM
 
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Nice to see I'm not alone, my 7.5 yr old is still co-sleeping and refuses to even consider moving to her own bed. Its really starting to effect my sleep though, she HATES covers and kicks them off all night long which wakes me up because I'm cold. We've been sharing a twin bed out of necessity since moving across the county several months ago so when she kicks off the covers it uncovers me too. I'm planning on buying another bed next month with my tax return and I'd like to just get a twin and have my own bed so I can sleep undisturbed, cost is also a factor as is size. I hated how my queen we had to leave behind took up so much room space but dd7 is adamant about co-sleeping, she won't even go to bed without me which lately is starting to cause problems. I'm busy during the day and need the nights after she's in bed to finish work, I can't keep dropping everything at 8:30 because its her bedtime and therefore my bedtime according to her but if I'm not there she wakes up so its not like I can easily sneak out. My older child moved into her own bed under protest at age 6 when 7yo came along but she was still in the room with me (we lived in a 1 bedroom apt at the time). Anyway, if dd would stop kicking off the covers I would be happy to keep co-sleeping but she wont so I want my own bed!


Seriously?
Satori is offline  
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