Thank you so much for the advice and support. I am still really struggling with this. Her fever is down and I think her illness is past, thankfully, but maybe she is just used to sleeping on top of me now so she still will NOT let me sneak away! Today I lay underneath her for 45 mins, tried twice (unsuccessfully) to sneak away, and then just gave up. She was SO irritable and unhappy all afternoon, it made me a crying mess. I feel horrible, because then I feel like it is MY FAULT that she is not well rested, not meeting her basic needs, that I am depriving her of her sleep. It doesn't sound like THAT big of a deal, but something about this situation really pushes me over the edge -- my husband was home and I started crying hysterically after getting up from the nap. And then I left to take a walk to get away from the situation, and he told me she cried the entire time I was gone -- he tried to put her in the carrier and walk her around to get her to go back to sleep, but she wasn't having it.
I feel like everything that works for other people will not work for us. Nothing works for us. She is SUCH a light sleeper. No matter how deep asleep in my arms or on top of me she is -- and I have waited 45 minutes and more, so I know it's as deep sleep as she gets -- she wakes up when I try to transfer her to a bed or sneak away. And the crying just escalates, too; more and more and more. And she won't stay lying down, she sits bolt upright and cries like that.
I feel like I'm in a different class of parenting. Like there is no one else who can relate to this. She has such a temper. And most of the time, she is the happiest, sweetest, silliest, most fun little girl -- when I'm out with her, people often comment on what a "good" or "easy" or "chill" baby she is, because most of the time she really is, don't get me wrong! It's just the sleep piece that is so absent. My husband thinks it's partly my fault because I've never been a great sleeper -- I don't have chronic insomnia or anything, but I am a very light sleeper and occasionally have difficulty (pre-baby).
I have had days where I'm so sleep deprived I literally hallucinate. I have felt like I'm not in control of my mind. And it hurts because I love her so, so, so much, I know I'm not being as good of a mom as I want to be -- cue horrible mommy guilt -- but then the thought of sleep training/CIO also triggers major mommy guilt. I feel like there is no solution. I feel so defeated. I really appreciate everyone's suggestions, but they also leave me feeling defeated, again, because I know they will not work for my LO. I still plan to BF her for a long while more, but I have reached my limit of sacrificing all of my needs and my relationship with my husband and I am starting to crack. I can't do it anymore. It will not be CIO because one of us will be with her at all times, but I know there will be lots of crying. I am just going to have to suck it up and remind myself that I am doing this so I can be a better mother to her. Sigh.
End rant. This is the hardest it's ever been. Thanks for listening everyone.
We are going to do night weaning next week, after she turns one.