I can hear her screaming as I write this..ugh - Mothering Forums
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Co-sleeping and the Family Bed > I can hear her screaming as I write this..ugh
ZanZansMommy's Avatar ZanZansMommy 09:27 PM 07-30-2004
DH is trying to put DD (11 mos) to sleep She is only used to me. Only wants me & refuses anyone else Sometimes though...I just need a break KWIM?. Last time he tried this she cried for an hour & then vomited Of course then I went in & she fell asleep--pronto. I know it's O.K. for her to cry seeing as her daddy is holding her, so Why the heck do I feel SO guilty? Has anyone else had to go through the pains of allowing their dc to cry while their spouse takes over nightime duties? my goal is for DH to put her to sleep on the weekends & I'll do the week. Not sure if it'll work

Overproducktion's Avatar Overproducktion 09:48 PM 07-30-2004
I'm not sure if an 11 mo. old will grasp the concept of mama putting her to sleep M-F and dad putting her sleep Sat & Sun.

It will probably be a tough transition every week your nighttime duties are over.

Good luck though.
USAmma's Avatar USAmma 09:59 PM 07-30-2004
Maybe you can have your dh do something else that's all his duty, every day of the week. Like give her a bath and get her ready for bed (story, song, etc). Then he can hand her off to you to get her down. You would get a break *every* evening instead of just on the weekends.

Darshani
WithHannahsHeart's Avatar WithHannahsHeart 10:11 PM 07-30-2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by USAmma
Maybe you can have your dh do something else that's all his duty, every day of the week. Like give her a bath and get her ready for bed (story, song, etc). Then he can hand her off to you to get her down. You would get a break *every* evening instead of just on the weekends.

Darshani

THis sounds just right! Everyone wins in this scenario . You get your time, baby gets her mama, daddy gets to build his confidence as a parent.
aprildawn's Avatar aprildawn 10:12 PM 07-30-2004
when dd was 9 months old i had a commitment 1 night a week. dh was on dinner, bath, and bedtime duty that night. i left a bottle of expressed milk for him, too, in case he needed it.

the first few times were not so great for him. eventually he started walking her all over the house, showing her i wasn't home, assuring her he could comfort her to sleep, and she would go to sleep for him. for several of the evenings i was gone he had to walk her all around the house like this until she made the connection.

maybe you need to go somewhere the first few times. have a tea and look at a book in a bookstore somewhere.

oh, and to answer your question, YES, i felt horribly guilty. but, dh said over and over that dd is just as much his as she is mine and so i shouldn't feel guilty for putting him through that. as far as feeling guilty about dd wanting mommy, she was being comforted by someone she knows and loves, and they have a wonderful father-daughter relationship now.
CarmelInWa's Avatar CarmelInWa 11:07 PM 07-30-2004
That's a hard one. I have no profound advice for you. I don't think it's wrong to expect our spouses to be with our kids once in awhile. But how fair is it to our babies for us to expect them to be okay with it? I don't know the answer.

My son is going thru a mommy only phase and it's wearing me down. I have let him cry with daddy for a few minutes just so i can get some composure! Otherwise i loose it and am not a good mom to either of my kids. A woman's breast can only be sucked on so many hours of the day!

Hang in there!
ZanZansMommy's Avatar ZanZansMommy 11:35 PM 07-30-2004
Thanks for all the suggestions. Unfortunately DH gets home very late M-Th & is not available to help with any of DD's nightly routine. I really just want her to get used to him being able to comfort her & help her sleep. All of her screaming was because she wanted me & not him. She doesn't fall asleep nursing & is actually a great sleeper overall. I just a Mommy break where I can just chill & not have to put her to sleep.

Aprildawn--I think I have to do what you suggested. leave my home & try to relax.

Well she cried for 35 min & eventually fell asleep (she takes longer for me). Dh said it was rough because she kept pulling her hair & face , slapping him & then she eventually fell asleep most likely due to exhaustion. ..sigh.....
sistermama's Avatar sistermama 11:45 PM 07-30-2004
My dh and I have had about the same arrangement as the one you are trying to set up. He puts ds to sleep about two nights a week and me the rest of the time, and has since ds was about a year old. It was hard at first (for me to hear the crying and know I could pop a breast in and have it end), but it was really worth it. Dh and ds figured out their own way after a couple of times - unique to them, it would never work for me! When you don't have a baby you can just put a crib and have them "self soothe" (which I'm glad we don't!), it can be debilitating to be the one who ALWAYS has to put them too sleep, every night, for years!

I felt guilty too, about listening to him cry, but I think we feel that way because we are such attached mamas and are supposed to feel something when our babies are crying. But, I think that my children should get the opportunity to be just as attached to dh as they are to me. Also I tried to remind myself that crying in itself is not always a "bad" thing, it is when a baby/child is left alone to cry without assistance or comfort that I don't agree with. That is a good suggestion to try getting out of the house, though, too.
loving-my-babies's Avatar loving-my-babies 12:01 AM 07-31-2004
I would personally ask dh to do something else and I would take on the task of putting baby to sleep. If she would fuss in dh's arms, it would be ok, even CIA is ok, but since she even vomited, she sounds like she really wants you, mama!
littleaugustbaby's Avatar littleaugustbaby 03:47 AM 07-31-2004
Quote:
I would personally ask dh to do something else and I would take on the task of putting baby to sleep. If she would fuss in dh's arms, it would be ok, even CIA is ok, but since she even vomited, she sounds like she really wants you, mama!
ITA! I just don't think she's old enough to get it. Babies are, for the most part, fairly dependent on routine. She's probably confused because she doesn't associate daddy with bedtime.

How about if on the weekends, DH can take her after dinner, and he can play with her, give her a bath, read her a story, etc, and you can just relax and take some mommy time, and then when it's bedtime, you can come and put her down for the night?

Or, maybe *both* of you can be there to put her to bed on the weekends for a while, so that she gets used to her daddy being there. Maybe then she will also start to associate him with bedtime, and you can slowly "wean" yourself off of weekend bedtime duty.
MarineWife's Avatar MarineWife 07:34 AM 07-31-2004
I agree to finding something else during some other time for Daddy to do with baby to give you some time alone. Not only screaming and vomiting but also pulling her hair and face?! She needs her mama.
srain's Avatar srain 01:44 PM 07-31-2004
If this time is important to you, I agree that you should leave the house at bedtime for a few weeks until they get into their own routine. Going in there after she cries for an hour could make the long-term situation worse; it's not relaxing for you to listen to her crying; and it may also make it harder on Dad to know you're right there and able to "fix" the problem immediately.
eminer's Avatar eminer 01:47 PM 07-31-2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZanZansMommy
I really just want her to get used to him being able to comfort her & help her sleep.
If she doesn't, try again in a month or two. IME, there were sensitive periods for daddy sleep, e.g. when dd was wanting to be bounced or walked. There are also sensitive periods for wanting mommy. It's not purely a matter of learning.
Matadora's Avatar Matadora 02:21 PM 07-31-2004
I had the same problem right around the same age with both my children. I actually wanted to write and assure you this won't be like this forever. I know you crave your personal time, believe me... I totally understand. But, in the grand scheme of things this time where your child only wants you is so very short. Kids will go through different preferences almost each week and then there will come a time where you WANT to be there and they don't want you. I'm already experiencing that with my 3.5 year old.

A wise woman once suggested to me that I should get a string where each inch represents one year. Then I am to tie knots for the years that important things happened (graduated from high school, college, got married, had children, etc.) Then you tie a knot 18 years out from each child. When you look at the string you realize how short life is and how little time we actually have the care of these children.

I have my days... good golly do I. Those are the days I need to study the string and remember. Do I always remember? No... but I do it enough to have changed my life.
babycarrier's Avatar babycarrier 10:49 PM 08-02-2004
no advice just a hug. i remember feeling sometimes like i just wanted me back but now at 21 months i miss how MUCH he needed me
Piglet68's Avatar Piglet68 11:39 PM 08-02-2004
I think it's pretty apparent that the baby wasn't ready for this. She will be ready to have DH put her to sleep in due time. A few months in the life of a child is nothing. I understand your need for a break, but at such cost to your babe? What you are doing is CIO, doesn't matter that it's in Daddy's arms. Your child WILL learn to be comforted by both of you WHEN she is ready, trust those of us who have been there. It's not really fair for you to decide when that is, then put her through that trauma, when there are other ways you can get the me time you need. Crying until she vomits is pretty darn extreme. So is crying for 35 minutes. Do you know what that does to her body temp? Her heart rate? Her respiration? Her immune system? The amounts of stress hormone that are released? Not to mention her sense of trust in her environment, and in her caregivers being there for her needs. Attachment parenting is first and foremost about following baby's cues, can you honestly say that is what you are doing here?

I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, honestly. I do understand the need for "me time". I just think you need to look at this from a different perpsective. All things come in time. Before you know it you'll have your evenings to yourself. Is it really worth putting your child through this right now? Find "me time" in another time/place that doesn't traumatize your baby.
pugmadmama's Avatar pugmadmama 12:24 AM 08-03-2004
First, let me say that if you honestly feel this is not the right time to do this, then don't do it. But if you suspect that your daughter might be ready but needs a little help getting there, read on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sistermama
...It was hard at first...Dh and ds figured out their own way after a couple of times - unique to them, it would never work for me! ...But, I think that my children should get the opportunity to be just as attached to dh as they are to me. Also I tried to remind myself that crying in itself is not always a "bad" thing, it is when a baby/child is left alone to cry without assistance or comfort that I don't agree with. That is a good suggestion to try getting out of the house, though, too.
ITA.

Because my husband is often gone for long streches of time, we've been through this more than once. But it's been so worth it. I would do it all again. I saw so many of my sons' peers treat their fathers as guests in their lives for years while remaining firmly attached to their mothers. I did not want that for my son.

When my son was two and we were going through the "only Mom will do" phase for at least the second time, we decided to try counseling. A therapist told me something that really stuck with me. She told me that when I go into "rescue" my son from his father, I am teaching him that he needs to be rescued from his father. If Mom doesn't trust this man to take care of him, why should he?

I did the "leave the house" plan myself. Yes, the first few nights were always rough. But within a week or two, they'd have worked out their own deal. It was thrilling to watch the same little boy who a week before had insisted that "only Mommy read!", toddler over to this father and say "Daddy read!"

Now my son is 12 years old and he is equally, and firmly, attached to both of his parents.
Graceoc's Avatar Graceoc 12:52 AM 08-03-2004
Quote:
What you are doing is CIO, doesn't matter that it's in Daddy's arms.
Do you honestly believe this? I'm totally all about AP - but that dosen't mean that a child has to be attached *only* to the mother. Fathers should have every opportuinity to share as well. While the OP *may* want to consider holding off until her baby seems more ready, I really see nothing wrong with this approach.
wemoon's Avatar wemoon 12:56 AM 08-03-2004
Hmmmm, after reading this thread the only thing that really sticks out at me is

A) Mom wants some peace and quiet

B) Baby isn't giving mom peace and quiet

C) All mom had to do is lay with baby for a few moments (from OP) to have peace and quiet

Maybe my opinion doesn't count since I'm a single mom and I always just HAD to do everything....but the end usually justifies the means and I think this is one of those cases where it falls true.
USAmma's Avatar USAmma 12:56 AM 08-03-2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by pugmadmama
First, let me say that if you honestly feel this is not the right time to do this, then don't do it. But if you suspect that your daughter might be ready but needs a little help getting there, read on


ITA.

Because my husband is often gone for long streches of time, we've been through this more than once. But it's been so worth it. I would do it all again. I saw so many of my sons' peers treat their fathers as guests in their lives for years while remaining firmly attached to their mothers. I did not want that for my son.
I agree too! With my first dd I was of the firm belief that she should never be allowed to cry in her infancy, which meant that every time dh held her and she cried, I came running to fix it. And since she was more accustomed to my way of holding her, changing diapers, rocking, whatever, dh never became confident as her caregiver when I wanted to go away for a few hours. To this day he feels awkward when I leave him with the kids, and he won't ever take them anywhere by himself. Just doesn't think he can do it. I feel I robbed him of the chance to be a father, to learn by trial and error just like I had to.

With dd#2 I guess I'm better at reading her cries and so I often will hand her off to dh when he gets home. She does cry, reaches for me, and he will walk with her and pat her and take her to another room where she can't see me. I am not bothered by her crying because I know she's being loved, and she needs to get used to her daddy, too. Besides *I* need some ME time. I have her all day, and I attend to her at night. I don't think it traumatizes her at all. I know the difference between a really bad cry and a fussy cry.

OTOH, at this age dd#2 really, really depends on her routines. It's the only way she knows what's coming next. She *needs* me to put her night diaper on, her night onesie, and take her in the rocker while she holds her blankie and playing the same music, smelling me, having me hold her just so in my arms. When I sit in the rocker she practially closes her eyes before my rear end hits the cushion because she knows it's bedtime. (Wish my oldest was like this-- she fought bedtime so bad!!)

Darshani
Devaskyla's Avatar Devaskyla 12:58 AM 08-03-2004
For me, and I think the other people who have said that this is CIO, it's the length of time and the obviously extreme distress this little one is going through. It is obviously having the same effect on her that crying in a crib has on the babes that are forced to endure that. It doesn't matter that she's in her daddy's arms. At this point, for this child, she is obviously far too traumatized by not having her mommy put her to bed to continue with this.

I agree that daddy should have the opportunity as well, but it's pretty clear that in the OP's situation, her daughter is not ready for daddy to be the one to put her to bed.

Believe me, I understand about wanting a break, I have been the sole person to put my ds to bed for nearly 3 years. At this point, I'm sure he'd be fine with daddy, it's daddy that's the problem. When he was younger, it would have been extremely traumatic for him, especially when he was in a place of needing me a lot, which the OP's daughter obviously is.
onlyboys's Avatar onlyboys 01:02 AM 08-03-2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceoc
Do you honestly believe this? I'm totally all about AP - but that dosen't mean that a child has to be attached *only* to the mother. Fathers should have every opportuinity to share as well. While the OP *may* want to consider holding off until her baby seems more ready, I really see nothing wrong with this approach.

While I don't think that it is necessarily as detrimental for a child to cry in another's arms as to let CIO, I don't think that I fully understand why a mama would want her baby to. When we don't honor our children's needs at bedtime, I think that may be blurring the boundaries of CIO.

My husband shares sleep with us like this: we all get in bed, read a dozen or so stories (Dad's job), kisses all around, and nursing. Then, snuggling gets to be done by dad. And, the 2 year old falls asleep. At 11 months, he needed me.

Sometimes he still asks for me to snuggle. Prior to the 2 year mark, it was all mama all the time per his choice. While my husband's feelings might have been a little hurt, he understands now that *this* is what our goal was: a happy, healthy little one who is bonded to both of his parents as he needs to be, in his own time.

Amanda
loving-my-babies's Avatar loving-my-babies 01:07 AM 08-03-2004
I am going to be the only one that thinks this, perhaps, but I honestly feel there is nothing wrong with the mother being more attached to the baby than the father, especially in the first year. the mother is the one that nurses, therefore the baby will obviously feel the mother has a certain nurturing, caring role. of course, the daddy can too, but it's different. for my son, daddy is all about playing, floor time, kisses and hugs and mommy is all about nursing, kisses and hugs, going to sleep in mommy's arms, playing, and so on. we have different roles and it's just how it's worked out best for us. we haven't sat down and decided we would take on these roles. they just happened naturally after he was born.
wemoon's Avatar wemoon 01:24 AM 08-03-2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by loving-my-babies
I am going to be the only one that thinks this, perhaps, but I honestly feel there is nothing wrong with the mother being more attached to the baby than the father, especially in the first year. the mother is the one that nurses, therefore the baby will obviously feel the mother has a certain nurturing, caring role. of course, the daddy can too, but it's different. for my son, daddy is all about playing, floor time, kisses and hugs and mommy is all about nursing, kisses and hugs, going to sleep in mommy's arms, playing, and so on. we have different roles and it's just how it's worked out best for us. we haven't sat down and decided we would take on these roles. they just happened naturally after he was born.


You so totally said what I thought but didn't know how to so eloquently put it into words.
sistermama's Avatar sistermama 01:24 AM 08-03-2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaskyla
It is obviously having the same effect on her that crying in a crib has on the babes that are forced to endure that. It doesn't matter that she's in her daddy's arms.
Can I possibly be the only mother whose child, as an infant, would often cry inconsolably in my arms??? However, we worked out our own system over time, just as my dh did with ds - once I allowed him the space to do it!! What makes mother's arms necessarily better than father's arms? Is the goal to cease crying using any means?
Graceoc's Avatar Graceoc 01:33 AM 08-03-2004
Quote:
but I honestly feel there is nothing wrong with the mother being more attached to the baby than the father, especially in the first year.
I don't think there is anything necessarly *wrong* with it if you and your family are ok with it....but for some families that dosen't work out as well.

Maybe my opinion is a bit tainted from having PPD for a year after DD was born - but I *needed* to have DH take over some things. And with him only being home for 3 hours that the kids were awake you can bet that he was in charge - the whole time - (unless nursing was required)

This mom said she needed to have a break - why can't we understand that instead of judge her motives? It sounds like she has givin her everything for the past almost year.....why not start working on a transition *if that what she needs* and yes I said *she* the mother, she has feelings and needs too - and to automatically *always* put babies needs before moms is not in anyway healthy.

So she goes to the next best option and that is daddy - the only other person who loves this child as much as she does - I still don't see how that is so wrong??????
loving-my-babies's Avatar loving-my-babies 01:33 AM 08-03-2004
wemoon: you made me !! :LOL

thanks for quoting me !

and I also wanted to add.. maybe it's wrong in my part, but in our house, we don't like anyone to cry. so if ds cries, we do whatever he needs to be consoled and calm. if he would cry in dh's arms because he wants to sleep with me, I would never let him cry even in his arms because I feel they still feel abandoned. in this case, by mommy. I just think they grow so fast, I feel it's my duty to sacrifice what I have to sacrifice at this time, he's growing and I have to be there for him in whatever way he needs me. Just my opinion...
FoxintheSnow's Avatar FoxintheSnow 01:34 AM 08-03-2004
But its worth a try

What if for a week you and daddy put dd to sleep together? And then every night you leave the room towards the end and increased that amount of time every night until its just daddy? I think this could work!
loving-my-babies's Avatar loving-my-babies 01:37 AM 08-03-2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceoc
So she goes to the next best option and that is daddy - the only other person who loves this child as much as she does - I still don't see how that is so wrong??????

I don't think it's wrong. but I'm saying, you and I know the daddy is the next best person, but for the baby, there is no next best person. the baby wants mommy, and baby (I'm putting myself in a baby's shoes, my kids for example) don't care who it is, he just wants mommy. it's the same for them if it's grandma, dad or a friend. they are not thinking about who loves them most. the baby in this case and this is my opinion, needs mama and that's why she was so desperately crying and for baby to be throwing up, it means (again, IMO) that she's in emotional pain.
wemoon's Avatar wemoon 01:46 AM 08-03-2004
First Graceoc because I HAVEN'T been through PPD, but I have been so depressed before that I have become immobilized and I couldn't imagine also having kids at that same time.

But! Of course that was coming :LOL

I just really have a hard time with the Mom's Have Needs thing. Yes, Mom's do have needs. They have desires that are so far supressed that they've faded into nothing. One of those desires for MANY of us is to bear children. Some of us here do everything, hope, beg, pray...ANYTHING to bear children. But to then later push off our children's calls for help (screams! for help)??? How long do we have with our most precious little people? I looked through photo albums the other day, I started crying because my babies were so grown. I could scarcely remember them being under a year. But the times I did remember were so sweet. I wouldn't want one of the times I remember to be how my child screamed for an hour for me, and then puked because I wouldn't come.

I have GREAT desires, HUGE desires. But the time will come when I can act upon them. I'm in the Mother phase of my life right now.
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