Intimacy and Co-sleeping - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-05-2005, 12:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OK, I wrote to moderator to make sure this was ok, but they didnt write back.

So here goes...

How are most couples handeling alone time? My DS is only 2 months so its not a problem, but I don't wanna feel weird when he gets older and people are telling me to "get him out of my bed" or "you'll never have another child and end up with a divorce from a relationship gone bad!" AHHHHHHHHHHHH

do you...

A. sneak in another room when the chance is had
B. remain in room with child (up to what age is fine?)
C. other suggestions

Hope no ones offended but Im sure this is an issue with lots of familys that co-sleep...

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Old 03-05-2005, 01:01 PM
 
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My DS is 15 months and when he falls asleep, I'll put him in his room if we're planning on, you know, having some alone time.

He usually wakes up after 1/2 - 1 hour, but it's enough time to get some snugglin' in.

That's what we do right now and it's working ok.
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Old 03-05-2005, 01:19 PM
 
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Dh and I don't have "relations" ONLY in our bed. When the opportunity presents itself we jump on it, LITERALLY -- living room, bathroom, bedroom, etc...

Because we only have 2 bdrms (one for our older boys and one for DH and I + toddler and soon to be baby) if we know we are going to be intimate we will either transfer our toddler to the couch so we can enjoy the space of our bed or find a suitable place for our "extra curricular" activities... The basement play room that houses a couch and futon has been frequented in the past.

DH has never been resentful of having a little one in our bed because it limits our "relations", if anything it makes us be more spontaneous! Which counts for a lot when you've been together for nearly 15 yrs and have 3 kids and one in the oven... The only time I've ever heard DH gripe was because of a foot smashing into his face in the middle of the night. :LOL
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Old 03-05-2005, 01:28 PM
 
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We have made our relationship better from co-sleeping. We get to explore other parts of our house and we get to be creative. Our cuddle time is with the kids when we watch TV. My husband is a big family man and I love him so much more for that. I will tell you that since we started co-cleeping our sexual relationship has improved and is the best it could ever be. I have been with my DH for almost 11 years now and the thought of getting divorced over co-sleeping because you can not have sex has never been a thought.
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Old 03-05-2005, 01:36 PM
 
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Dh I Use the living room, basement, spare room, shower, bath, and if we want to do it in our bed, then we move DS (26 months) to his brothers room.
I think it's wrong to do it in teh room with your child no matter what the age is.
I have seen posts from people who admit they do it with a sleeping baby in the bed next to them.Thats abusive imo.
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Old 03-05-2005, 01:46 PM
 
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Our 2 dd's were both conceived in the shower :LOL ....so we were used to exploring other areas of the house b4 cosleeping....so we just kept up the good work!
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Old 03-05-2005, 01:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Frizzle
I have seen posts from people who admit they do it with a sleeping baby in the bed next to them.Thats abusive imo.
This really puzzles me as a definition of 'abuse'. So, if a baby is in a crib in the same room, is that abuse? If a baby is out on the landing outside the bedroom door in a bassinet, is that abuse? If it is in it's room adjacent to your bedroom, awake, is that abuse?

To me, logically, the only thing that is abusive is if the child is awake and sees/knows/understands what is going on. Otherwise if the child is asleep, what does it matter where he or she is geographically?

What about families all over the world who live and sleep in one room? Are they abusive? It is only very recently in this culture that people have had multiple sleeping places for the family.

Your use of the word 'admit' is interesting - implying that anyone who does this knows it to be 'abusive'. I seriously doubt if that is the case.

There are many things imo that are abusive, but making love when you are geographically near a sleeping baby is not one of them. Not that I do so - as my baby really doesn't sleep. :LOL
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Old 03-05-2005, 02:05 PM
 
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I was specific when I said *In the bed next to them* (making love-whatever) while a child is literally right next to you in sick.
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Old 03-05-2005, 02:48 PM
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Up to about 4 months we didn't feel comfortable leaving DS alone, so we would wait until he was sleeping and leave him in the bed and go on the floor or put him in his bouncy seat on the floor while we stayed in the bed. After we got comfortable with him napping alone we started going to other parts of the house. I didn't really think about an age cutoff at which I didn't feel comfortable being in the same room -- it was more that we could have more fun if we didn't have to worry about waking him.
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Old 03-05-2005, 03:00 PM
 
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We let him fall asleep and then put him in his crib for awhile (like PP said, 1/2-1 hour is all it takes!), or we let him spend time snuggling with his older sister in her room watching tv while we "talk".
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Old 03-05-2005, 03:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Let me clearify, my DH loves having family bed. And we have also been creative about the places we chose to ....egh..."have relations". When he heard people saying we would end up with a divorce he laughed saying "I guess we're not as high strung as other people."

My relationship with the hubblet has gotten better because of our son. I never thought in a million years my DH would come to enjoy APing. (He's kinda an "Archie Bunker" when it comes to things that are "different" saddly-but Ive been working on him for 12 years!!!!) I cannot believe how much of a GREAT father he is and how much he enjoys being a SAHD when he has the chance (I work 3 days and he's been staying home with DS) We have to start daycare on the 15th and Im sad about that.

But he encourages it now. I was just curious if there where "understandings" in the AP world when it came to intimate times, or if everyone just did what we do and winged it and had fun when it came to loving each other.

Interesting....
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Old 03-05-2005, 03:25 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by squirrelletta
When he heard people saying we would end up with a divorce ....
We've been cosleeping for almost 12 years (with a little span in there between DS#1 and the babe), and we're still "hanging in there".
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Old 03-05-2005, 07:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Ms. Frizzle
I was specific when I said *In the bed next to them* (making love-whatever) while a child is literally right next to you in sick.
I understood that - my point was, how far do you go with the idea that physical proximity determine 'abuse'? What about poeple who put the baby in a crib next to the bed? Or like here, say that they put a mattress on the floor? It is illogical to me to say that one constitutes abuse, one doesn't, just because the baby is a few feet further away.

For me, the matter is more what you feel comfortable with. If a baby is asleep, it's asleep. I cannot see how it is abusive to have sex while a baby sleeps nearby. It doesnt appeal to me personally, but imo there is nothing wrong with it and it is nothing close to abuse. The baby has no idea what you're doing, just as when my baby lies on the changing table in the bathroom (awake) he has no idea that I am on the loo! I personally cannot see the difference between having sex with a baby asleep in a bassinet, or having sex with a baby asleep nearby on the bed. He's asleep, he's fed, he's happy.
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Old 03-05-2005, 07:49 PM
 
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I don't understand how it's abusive, either. For a child who is paying attention, but for a baby?

To answer the OP's question, with our first we would do it in bed with the baby, I can't remember when we stopped, but it was whenever we felt there was some possibility of awareness that something was going on (as different from just the usual hugging etc.) Since then there's always been an older child, so we just take it elsewhere. Right now we have two rooms set up as bedrooms, all the kids and I sleep in one room, and my husband sleeps in the other (poor guy, he snores and I'm a light sleeper, so he doesn't get to sleep with us.) Whenever we want to do something, we just go into "his" room after the kids are asleep. Or sometimes in the morning I'll get up before anyone is awake and join him.

It has SO not affected our relationship. I just don't understand when people say that. Have they no creativity or flexibility? FWIW, I'd be sleeping in a different bedroom than my husband even if we didn't have kids. Why is sleeping in the same bed seen as necessary for a happy marriage? Am I missing something?
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Old 03-05-2005, 08:03 PM
 
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When they were little, we would use the floor next to the bed. Now that they're a little older, we use a different room usually.

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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Old 03-05-2005, 08:03 PM
 
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"To answer the OP's question, with our first we would do it in bed with the baby, I can't remember when we stopped, but it was whenever we felt there was some possibility of awareness that something was going on (as different from just the usual hugging etc.) Since then there's always been an older child, so we just take it elsewhere."

Us too. And ds#1 is scarred for life from the experience :LOL
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Old 03-05-2005, 08:30 PM
 
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we gave up fooling around years ago. the 14 year old was really starting to critique what we were doing and it was making dh uncomfortable.




















:ignore

ok, anywhere there isn't a wake child is good for me. makes it fun sometimes.
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Old 03-05-2005, 08:44 PM
 
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I'm interested in this issue myself as I'm due very soon and plan on co-sleeping. He won't technically be "in our bed" since it's only a full size but we bought a co-sleeper to attach to it.

I have always just assumed we would get it on in the bed as long as the baby's asleep- I mean even if he woke up for a second a 2 month old won't know what's going on- and I'm of the opinion that sex and nudity and all that is totally natural and not perverse at all. I plan on being naked in front of my kids from birth on- I used to see my mom and dad naked all the time and I didn't turn out to be some strange incest person with lots of psychological issues or anything :LOL I mean I could see not wanting to do something that is morally objectionable or what not in front of your child but I wouldn't call 2 people loving each other in the same bed with a sleeping baby "abuse" by any stretch of the imagination...

I don't think it's sick at all to get it on while the baby is in the bed as long as he or she is still too little to fully know what's going on and is asleep. What I do wonder is at what age do they know what's going on??? I guess we'll move him to his own room them...

After years of "being creative" since neither of us had private bedrooms while we were dating, we NEED our bed and we need it at night since DH is gone all day- I hope I never have to do it in a car or the shower or on the couch ever again! :LOL

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Old 03-05-2005, 08:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Frizzle
I have seen posts from people who admit they do it with a sleeping baby in the bed next to them.Thats abusive imo.

Not in mine.
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Old 03-05-2005, 09:26 PM
 
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This isn't such an issue for us since we have a guestroom and I've been too tired to have sex at night since I had a kid. The issue for us is not so much where as when.

Naptime is better for us, and now that dd sleeps in her own room early morning is comming back into fashion. Dc #2 was conceived in the bathroom of a hotel while dd#1 watched cartoons.

I think we stopped doin' it around dd maybe around 4 months? I'm another one who doesn't think it's a problem to get busy near a sleeping baby.

I think having children changes your sex life quite a bit regardless of where the kid sleeps. My feeling is after maybe 3 months it gets hard to have sex while the baby is awake whether there's a bed available or not.
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Old 03-05-2005, 09:40 PM
 
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We do it where we can, when we can

Usually mom and dad have to talk *privately* for a bit with door closed.
When Ds#1 was first born, he was on the other side of the bed asleep. Since then we've learned to be creative :LOL

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Old 03-05-2005, 09:56 PM
 
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The statement that making love with a baby in the bed or a child in the room is sick and abusive is really offensive to me. Seeing how a large portion of the world sleeps together in a one room home, are all these children being abused? Are all these parents sick? Hardly, they are just doing what is natural for humans to do, and I do not see how that can be destructive to a child. We sleep in a large family bed (two queen sized futons pushed together) and I "admit" it, I have made love quietly, discretely in one bed while the kids were in another, often spooning or in a way that if my child did wake up it would appear we were cuddling. We also don't have any street lights or night lights so it is very dark in the room. We made love when my baby was in the womb, so why is it sick to do so when my baby is lying next to me? Of course if we are wanting to be more rambuncious, adventurous, or noisy (which is how we usually are) we go to another part of the house. So to answer the OP, we usually sneak to another part of the house, but when we just want to have cuddly sex, we may just stay in bed. Granted, both kids are deep sleepers, our room is dark, we can be quiet, and if my 5 year old woke up and heard some heavy breathing and wondered what was going on, that would be okay. What if your child wakes up and looks for you and hears you making love in another room? It is really not a big deal.
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Old 03-05-2005, 10:32 PM
 
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When we were feeling amorous when ds was very tiny (not so frequently, heh) we were comfortable making love with him in the cosleeper. Now he spends the first part of the night in another room, so it's not a concern.
We're out of town right now and in a room with 2 queen beds. We had a nice quiet time with ds in the next bed just last night.
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Old 03-05-2005, 10:43 PM
 
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We've had a child in our room for a lot of our marriage. Mostly in a cradle or crib pulled up to our bed. Fortunately, all of mine are heavy sleepers, and as a pp pointed out if they woke up and heard heavy breathing, so what?
Now last year our oldest ds (then 15) walked right in on us, and THAT was mortifying. I was on call, he was talking on the phone downstairs and the call waiting beeped. It was the ER calling for me, so he came right in to give me the phone without thinking about it. It was late at night, and I didn't hear the phone ring since he was on it.
I think he's scarred for life, too. But he's darn careful about knocking anymore! :LOL
In high school, I had a boyfriend who mentioned once that he felt happy whenever he heard his parents being amorous at night. He was glad they loved each other and still were obviously happily married after all those years (he was an only and late in life child) I guess that colored my perception of how kids feel about their parents' sex lives. I figure my kids know we make love, because babies keep showing up here, so even though we take pains to not be obvious about it, I'm not too worried that they might occasionally hear something.
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Old 03-05-2005, 11:31 PM
 
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I have a five week old, so I'm curious about how this works, too. We have a cradle next to our bed, but she's never been in it. If she'll tolerate sleeping in there for an hour or so, that's a possibility. Honestly I can't think of another comfy place in our apt besides the bed. And the kitties have free range of the rest of the house, and I hate them looking at us. They know what we're up to, sleeping baby would not.

Oh, lovechild: we only have a full size, too. All three of us fit snuggly, sometimes even comfortably. The baby and I take up roughly the same space I did pg.
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Old 03-05-2005, 11:56 PM
 
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We all sleep in the same room, ds(5), dd(14mnths) and oh so patient dh. Because of our living arrangement creativity is definitly the key. So crazy as it may sound the closet is our regular meetin place so when things get loud the doors can be shut. (kinda makes me feel like a naughty teenager still) :LOL
Nothing wrong with those who chose to do it next to sleeping baby it just makes you learn to be gentle lovers!!
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Old 03-06-2005, 12:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OK, so its ok to be "Makin' bacon" as long as the childs not old enough to hold a camcorder?
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Old 03-06-2005, 04:10 AM
 
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I'll confess to being of the variety who do it on the bedroom floor (about 10 feet away) from the baby sleeping soundly in bed. We are currently living with my mom and I think it would be far more "abusive" to do it downstairs on the couch or in her room... We are quiet and respectful of our daughter (and my mom for that matter). If dd happens to wake up it's no big deal, she sees my boobs all the time anyway. I don't feel this is wrong for our family at this point.
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Old 03-06-2005, 04:11 AM
 
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OK, so its ok to be "Makin' bacon" as long as the childs not old enough to hold a camcorder?
:
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Old 03-06-2005, 04:32 AM
 
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thank you, farmer mama, for your honesty.


i, too, am going to stand up here and admit that we've made love next to a very asleep baby. i kind of walled her in w/ blankets on the other side of the bed and we scooted wwaaaaaaaaaayyyy over. (she's 7 months now.)

we also have...

* the bed in the morning when the kids are in their room busily playing...
* the bathroom
* the office
* the floor

and so on.


Quote:
I figure my kids know we make love, because babies keep showing up here
:LOL
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