How do "trained" kids turn out later? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 01-06-2003, 02:42 AM - Thread Starter
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Okay, we all have friends/family/coworkers/fill in the blank
that we have to listen talk about their son/daughter who obediently goes to bed at 7 PM every night and sleeps for 15 hrs. straight, all because they "trained" them (CIO, Ferber, whatever you want to call it) at a nice young age. Of course follows the looks of horror when we mention co-sleeping, etc..........

I have a cousin like this. Very nice, educated person. Her dh is very into "promoting independence" in their kids, and thus their 2 & 1/2 yr. old was Ferberized at 5 mos. It only took "one night of crying" and he was all set........... Mind you, he is a VERY easygoing baby who hardly woke anyway. My cousin is also a kindergarten teacher and very into positive discipline, so I don't think they spank (but not sure) She b/f him for 9 mos., then he refused to nurse anymore (???)

I'm getting to my question, really...... bear with me! My cousin's little boy seems to be a very well adjusted, happy, obviously "independent" little guy. He was promptly potty trained at 2 years of age without major problems. The thing is, he's just too good to be true! My dh compares him to a "crate trained dog." Literally, they tell him to go upstairs to bed and he does it--- :

I sometimes have a hard time because I subconsciously start comparing my son (who is the same age) with his cousin. My son is VERY attached to mama, shy, has no interest in the potty, still nurses like a fiend and sleeps with us, waking 2x a night. I know these are all good things, but it sure would be nice to have a moment to myself.

OKAY-----here's my point. This boy is SOO good and perfect- but his parents went on a week long cruise, of course leaving at Grandma's house the entire time. HE DID NOT CRY FOR HIS PARENTS, OR EVEN ACT LIKE HE MISSED THEM WHEN THEY RETURNED!!! This was when he was just over 2. Is this wierd, or just his personality?

I just have to wonder-- what kind of effect will this super-independence have on him in the future??? Do any of you know older kids that were raised like this, in a loving but somewhat detached household, and what kind of effect do you think it had on them? I know many of us as adults had parents that did nothing but the whole CIO/spanking/etc. deal.. How do you think it has effected you as a person and your relationship with your parents? Or has it affected you at all? And how can you know?
Has anyone done any formal study on this? Has anyone raised one child one way and another child the other way?

thanks for bearing with my long and rambling question.
It's late and I'm having a hard time condensing my thoughts......

good night!

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#2 of 7 Old 01-07-2003, 08:35 PM
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I think that shows how he is turning out!

His parents dissapear for a week and he could have cared less at two years old? I sense attachment issues allready...
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#3 of 7 Old 01-07-2003, 09:02 PM
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Sometimes threads like this remind me of the whole "nature vs nurture" debate. Is the kid "just like that" or was it the parenting?

Unfortunately, we can never do those experiments properly. You can't take your son, turn back the clock, and raise him on a schedule and then see if it makes him different. Just as you can't know if your cousin's child would have been different if he was attachment parented.

We can look at large groups of children and see which parenting technique turns out a majority of happy, well-adjusted kids. I believe AP gives me the greatest chances of acheiving those goals, but I also know that my easygoing good-sleeping baby might have done just as well parented by my mother (formula, CIO, spanking).

The thing is, *I* am just not comfortable parenting any other way than AP. And if the parent isn't comfortable with the "techniques", if they don't come naturally, then I don't see it as being successful.

Just some random thoughts...gotta go tend to baby!

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#4 of 7 Old 01-07-2003, 09:45 PM
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Originally posted by Becky N.
Okay, we all have friends/family/coworkers/fill in the blank
that we have to listen talk about their son/daughter who obediently goes to bed at 7 PM every night and sleeps for 15 hrs. straight, all because they "trained" them (CIO, Ferber, whatever you want to call it) at a nice young age. Of course follows the looks of horror when we mention co-sleeping, etc..........
some of us do a combination. I nursed my 1st dd, carried in a sling, co-slept, stayed home, cloth diapered, etc. But she was put to be every night at 8pm. When we went to bed, she was brought in with us if she was not in our bed already.

This was from 4-5 months on, and it is quite possible she was inclinded to be a really great sleeper anyway. We used some of the Ferber techniques, but not to the extent of some of the common perceptions.

She is 7, still goes to bed at 8, sleeps 10 hours, and yes, I still sometimes bring her to my bed ( or crawl into hers, it is a Queen that she got for her 4th birthday for her first big girl bed.)

DD #2, homebirthed, slinged, breastfed, co-sleep, all the same stuff. Still put down at 8 pm, slept only 2 hour stretches with or without me in the bed until 18 months. Now she is 27 months and does sleep much like her sister...but it took her a bit longer. Fine either way. She sleeps with us some, but alone too.

It does not have to be either or, and I personally don't define myself as AP or 'CIO" or any other label . I just found a great way to make it all work for me.

And PS, when they do stay over at either grandmothers home, I make the grandmother sleep with my girls....of course I am just next door - I will sleep away for a night now, but not far
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#5 of 7 Old 01-08-2003, 03:03 AM
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I am so glad my sisters AP....that would be hard to have cousins the same age and such different parenting styles.

Anyway, I think about not just what I am trying to accomplish at this moment with our parenting(independence,potty training..) but rather at the bigger picture.

WE WANT to be near our children because they are cool little people, and God only gives them to us for a very short time. When they are grown and can choose whether to call mom or dad, we're hoping they will want to come visit often and enjoy our company.

Kids sense when their parents subtly(sp?) push them away,and I feel that that makes them want to stay away.

Not just now, but forever,we want our kids to feel that we've never pushed them away.

I think this topic is a big reason for todays detached kids. Teens can't wait to go off to college or move in w/a girlfriend to get away from parents. I think that is sad. That was me as a teen. To this day I don't communicate regularly with my parents.

just my .02

Oh, and I think your cousins just got lucky with an easygoing child...hopefully they'll have more, and can see(as will the family) that 1 mold of parenting doesn't always fit every child.

MY one sis has 5 kids, the ones who were perfectly behaved when younger, have turned out to be quite the spirited teens.:

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#6 of 7 Old 01-09-2003, 01:55 AM
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Very interesting. I've thought about this a lot lately as I've realized more and more that DS came into this world with his own *stuff*. I am beginning to believe that nature has more to do with how children turn out than I once wanted to believe.

That said, we AP-co-sleep, b'feed, etc., etc., and I have a very social little boy who after a few minuites of being in a new place in mommy's arms wants to get down and explore. On the other hand, I have a friend who CIO with her DS at 3 months (YES, 3 MONTHS!!) and is very structured, etc. Her child is extremely clingy (I hate this word, but I can't come up with a better one right now), and is afraid of a lot. Literally CLINGS to his mother all the time. If you look at these two examples you could say that b/c we are building this really secure home for DS where we respect his growth, feelings, what he's ready for, etc. he feels like he can explore a bit more. My friends child might fear losing his mom so much that she can't leave his sight.

The flip side is, all this could just be personality. All I know is that I agree with Piglet-I want to be close to my DS and respond to his needs. And I can't imagine parenting another way.
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#7 of 7 Old 01-09-2003, 03:16 AM
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