Others not respecting your sleep - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 18 Old 01-06-2003, 03:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Most of us who are breastfeeding and co-sleeping know what little sleep we are getting. Most days I feel like a zombie...and I am still expected to keep the house in order and make sure dinner is on the table. Above that I want to totally be there for my ds who is 6 months old. I totally do not believe in just "letting him cry because he cant get everything he wants".

Anyway, I am steamed because I try to get to bed early...usually within an hour of when ds goes to bed. Well we have a subwoofer on our TV which recently got tweaked. NOw I have to feel like I am in a cinema (which I am told is the whole idea)... and there is no way for me to sleep (i am told I am too sensitive and I could sleep if I wanted). I am also concerned re my son's hearing...this cant be good for him...surround sound and all.

Anyone else with this problem either from a spouse or a teen?Any suggestions?
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#2 of 18 Old 01-06-2003, 10:54 AM
 
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This would TICK me off! You poor thing. There is no excuse for this! When someone in the house is sleeping, other people need to be quiet! Period. Geez. Even my 6 year old knows this.

I have similar frustrations (no loud TVs though.) By dh doesn't seem to believe me that I'm up at night, nor does he seem to comprehend what it does to me. So he gets up at 6:30 or 7 and starts banging around the house, waking me and the baby quite often. I try to talk to him about it and I get,

"Morning is not a time for sleeping. Morning is a time for getting up and taking care of your family."
Or I hear,
"Gee, it must be nice to sleep in late every morning."

Grrr. I'd like to see him wake up every 2 hours all night for 2 years straight and then I'd like to wake HIM up at 6:30 AM.
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#3 of 18 Old 01-06-2003, 12:53 PM
 
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GRRRRRR is right mamaduck!

people who don't respect the sleep of others, especially mothers, are not cool in my book. sleep comes first!
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#4 of 18 Old 01-06-2003, 01:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, others experience this too. When he is asleep in the am and the dog barks, phone rings, or such he is so furious. But when I am trying to sleep (probably around 9-10 when ds goes down), he just tells me I am too sensitive and "just go to sleep, if you want to you will". Yeah, if he were up every 1 1/2 to 2 hours each night he would be a stewed monkey (like I am). And we are STILL expected to do all our activities around the house.

What also gets me is that my inlaws wonder why I am so tired. My MIL hadd 4 children! Did she forget? When they had the flu they were complaining that they had to sleep all day for a couple days to get over it. Last month ds and I had the flu....I did not get the luxury of spending even one half day in bed! UGH!

Thanks folks.
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#5 of 18 Old 01-06-2003, 08:47 PM
 
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Thanks to the family bed, and the wonder of nursing a baby/toddler back to sleep, Dh has slept soundly and late most mornings (he works long hours but starts late). Most nights I'm up late, pumping after Dd was asleep on his chest until recently, now cutting pears into toddler bits, etc. Sleep is broken.

Seeing us take our nap in the afternoon (the only thing that prevents me from being a basket case), he said to me a few months ago, "I think you've gotten more rest this past year than ever in your life."

Grrr. I'm efficient and cheerful by nature, and I don't think it pays.
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#6 of 18 Old 01-06-2003, 09:48 PM
 
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Laila and Mamaduck, when you get up during the night, wake your dh up too, each and every time, for a few nights. They might get the message then.
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#7 of 18 Old 01-06-2003, 10:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Irishmommy that is a pretty good idea...however, there would be hell to pay. He would be so irate and give me the lecture...that I am suffering..so why would I do that to someone else? He would then go on to state that i made the CHOICE to cosleep and do AP so now I and only I have the responsibility. My dh has an answer for everything. When he does not get enough sleep he makes everyone pay...but heaven forbid that I gripe about it.
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#8 of 18 Old 01-06-2003, 10:55 PM
 
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Mine would not remember, but he'd be hellish to be around the next day!
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#9 of 18 Old 01-07-2003, 12:37 AM
 
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LailaCA, with all due respect, it sounds like your husband just doesn't respect YOU, period. I don't know how you do it, but I'm sorry you have to deal with that!


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#10 of 18 Old 01-07-2003, 12:32 PM
 
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Here's what my mother used to do to my father: she'd flounce out of bed with a big groan, and flop back in with lots of tossing and turning to get back to sleep. Teehee
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#11 of 18 Old 01-09-2003, 02:04 AM
 
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Yikes, I would be pretty upset to have my DH treat me that way! But, one thing that helps with TV noise is to place a large box fan in the bedroom. Run it on high and the white noise blocks out most other sounds.
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#12 of 18 Old 01-09-2003, 03:06 AM
 
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#13 of 18 Old 01-09-2003, 03:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the post Muslimmomma.

Well...I have discussed with him AP to no end. I own many Dr. Sears books, La Leche League, and of course Mothering magazines. Dh just does not buy into it. He says that co-sleeping and AP is just spoiling the baby and will make a baby into a controlling child. My inlaws feel the same way and are always commenting that DS wants to be held all the time. I have read him research and he just responds that anyone can "research" and make it so the outcome supports their own theory. He truly has an answer/response for everything.

As for the sexual tension...of course I dont feel like it. I get little sleep nightly, while he snores away in a different room, and then am expected to do all the housework, bills, etc during the day. DH is not working as we are both staying at home during our baby's first year of life. He spends all his time on his hobby, on the internet, or blasting the tv (as he is right now). He wont help with the baby or anything else as that is MY responsibility. With all this on my plate I have little energy left for intimate relations...and besides the energy...the resentment is now building up. My DS is 6 months old and I am so exhausted.

As for the TV....dh...is VERY VERY VERY mechanically inclined. He could get the TV up and running in no time at all. (Once when we had a power outage...he took the generator and hooked the tv up to it....not lights or heat...the TV)!

THanks for the input....I value it.
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#14 of 18 Old 01-09-2003, 11:55 AM
 
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I am so sorry that your spouse is so disrespectful of you.

Disrespectful of your basic human needs (SLEEP, help with HIS child) and those of your child (CUDDLING.)

If dh's parents are chiming in with criticism of you, I can't imagine that they raised him in a very kind loving way.

I had to put my foot down about TV at night (super sensitive ears, a dh who wants to watch it at night, I like to go to bed early cause the kids wore me out...do women just hear better or what?) and after years he still pouts a bit...but your dh is beyond mean...you could sleep if you really wanted to?!?!?! Yeah, and he could turn it OFF if he really wanted too! Don't really know what to suggest.

I do feel men and women often use technology as a balm to ease emotional pain, as an addiction to avoid confronting our feelings. Perhaps he is jealous of the love the baby gets, that he never got when he needed it...but dealing with that is too painful, questioning his parents as his "rock" would be too painful..too hard...so instead he criticizes YOU, there must be something wrong with YOU because he is just FINE....

Sorry your attempts to improve things have not helped. Must be so frustrating.

As for sex: no way would I be attracted to someone who refused to help me with our child, who didn't care if I could sleep, who tried to sabotage my love for our child.....I am sorry if that sounds harsh and don't know what to suggest for healing your family.
He sound very, very jealous of your baby in my humble opinion.

How do you think his taking time off is influencing things? Do you think his ego/identity etc. are insecure because he no longer has the identity of working?

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#15 of 18 Old 01-09-2003, 12:51 PM
 
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You could try getting him some wireless headphones, so he could watch tv and you wouldn't have to hear it. Though by the sounds of it, I don't think he would use them.
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#16 of 18 Old 01-09-2003, 10:54 PM
 
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Well, while I agree with the other posters....

I don't think at this point, it is going to do you anygood to try to change your dh...or expect that he will *enlighten* himself with the wisdom and benefits of AP.

I think he is probably a great guy in some areas, and when it comes to supporting the mother of his child...he may just need some time and experience.

I applaud that he took a year off from work to spend time with the family...I've only heard of this from European families, and I see you
're from CA.

I think you need to empower him, try to involve him as much as you can so that he is bonding with your babe as well. He sounds sort of *macho* and I'm guessing that he maybe feels unneeded and incapable in the babycaring area.

Since you've already tried to convince him of AP...and he rejects it....

I would do all that you can to seek your support elsewhere. LLL,here,AP support groups,try to find a playgroup(more for you at this point) that suppports AP, and maybe hire a mothers helper to come into the home to let you nap.

And above all, ignore your inlaws....for one thing, they are from the crib/formula/cio/children play only in their room generation....what do they know? Your baby should want to be held....if he(?) didn't, I would think something is wrong...HE"S 6 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and we have an air-cleaner in our bedroom...it provides plenty of white noise...my dh takes care of our kids on the weekend mornings so I can sleep...supposedly they are loud...but I can't hear ANYTHING!!!

GOOD LUCK!!!!

mamapoppins
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#17 of 18 Old 01-10-2003, 01:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much for the post. It is nice to get some ideas from others. I try to involve my dh as much as possible. However, his idea of being with ds is to hold him a bit and them plop him in swing or bouncer and "watch tv" with him. Drives me nuts. He thinks I am a bit crazy with my baby exercises and such.

Before the birth of ds - my dh was fantastic. I had a very, very, rough pregnancy with IVs (pic line) from dec 24 to april 6 of last year (2002). The vomiting was horrendous and dh was always there for me (except weekend days).

Now that ds is here...dh spends almost all his time on his hobby (remote control airplanes - which have a wingspan of over 6 feet, and turbine engines). He is consumed by it, WWE, and NFL. There is little quality time for ds or myself.

I will try and put the airpurifier in my room...that is a great idea.

As for the inlaws and dh...they say that if we respond to each cry then we are teaching him that everytime he cries we will come running! Well of course...he must need something and crying is his only form of communication. All are convinced that he will be a spoiled little boy because of this.

Anyway....AP is my only choice so I will just have to keep on trucking! Thanks for the input!
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#18 of 18 Old 01-10-2003, 01:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Here goes the darned sound on the TV again....I have such a splitting headache.

I am also worried about ds' hearing/ears! Is it paranoid or a legitimate concern?
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