Creating a "monster" by co-sleeping?! - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 54 Old 01-15-2006, 06:26 PM
 
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I don't know if this has been mentioned because I've only skimmed the post, but the most interesting thing about co-sleeping arguements is this...
When we're adults we're expected to sleep in the same bed as our partners. If we don't, others begin to wonder about our relationship, and not even necessarily in a sexual sense.
Now, if I sleep in the same bed as my husband is that going to make me regress into being a dependant, too-needy individual?? No. Of course not!!!
So we're expected to sleep in a different room, cry it out, etc when we're babies, but when we get older we "get" to do all of those things we couldn't as kids???? Such as...
eat on demand (my personal favorite; I mean who eats on a schedule??)
sleep with our loved ones
be held by our loved ones when we need it
wake up during the night for a snack or for a cuddle (and who sleeps through the night anyway either lol!!!!)
So as adults these things are acceptable, but as babies/toddlers/kids it's bad for us because we'll grow into... wait a minute... we'll grow into adults! Adults who get to do all of the above and no one cares! It's a huge oxymoron.
Take care,
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#32 of 54 Old 01-16-2006, 07:26 PM
 
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Hi,
In many other countries through out the world the entire family sleeps in the same room.

My kids are older now 11 and 15. It was my husband who was thoughtful about the cosleeping with our first child. I was the crib person...but of course that all changed. I have tried everything, cosleeping, bed on the side, bed in the same room. I would say that they all work when the time is right. I find it somewhat crazy to have to force stages to happen before the child is ready. It really seems that it is up to the mother and the child to figure this out and each child is ready at a different time.

My now 11 year old was out of our bed earlier but now...she has been back in our room on a pad on the floor, because we moved to a new house and she did not want to be downstairs from us...we had a one level house before this...now she is sleeping on the couch in the living room....

my 15 year old stayed in our room longer but once he left that was it.

My point is that it will be different for everyone. I cannot imagine a baby in a room all alone at night, it just goes against human nature...if you look back at historical times...say cavemen, if your baby was not right next to you they would be eaten by a wild animal or something....

believe me, kids will do things when they are ready and I think that forcing them to make progress before they are ready is only a BIG struggle and does not serve any good purpose. We inately know what feels right to us and it is good to follow your heart and intuition and not listen too much to others because you are the person most connected to your child. That is a very powerful thing, that connection of a mother to her child.

I have extended BF both my kids, cosleep, homeschooled until 3 years ago...I know my kids very well and I LOVE that. As they get older I look back fondly on the mornings we would wake up and snuggle, because we were doing the family bed. It's great, take the time to enjoy them while they are young because you cannot go backwards.

Follow your heart and all will be well.

Warm regards,
Erin
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#33 of 54 Old 01-16-2006, 07:54 PM
 
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times new roman
My husband and I co-sleep with our 5 1/2 month daughter. Each month I promise him I will have her in her crib but haven't even attempted it yet. I stopped telling people she still sleeps with us when they ask "how she sleeps at night." I am breastfeeding which I intend to do as long as she's interested; and it's much more convenient especially since I went back to work. I'd rather roll over and nurse then have to get up out of bed and go into another room. I would, however, like to be able to sleep next to my husband one day, as would he. I'm not sure how to get my daughter transitioned into the crib now. Any suggestions?
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#34 of 54 Old 01-16-2006, 11:26 PM
 
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Ugh. So sorry you are dealing with that. A friend of mine has a great response:
"Wow. Any infant or toddler who sleeps that much must be depressed. All that crying must have taught her that she has no alternative but to sleep through her loneliness. That is something I would never do to my child."
Hope that helps.
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#35 of 54 Old 01-17-2006, 12:16 AM
 
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Sorry you had to deal with that....its is so annoying how qucikly everyone thinks they are an expert on something they have never done...

Add us to the parents who are raising a monster....I do have to say he is a pretty cute cuddly monster....
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#36 of 54 Old 01-17-2006, 01:46 AM
 
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The best response I've heard to the 'is she sleeping through the night yet?' is "No, are you?" Because the fact is that no one sleeps through the night. Not infants, not toddlers, not adults. I'm happy that I don't have to wake up every time my 2 year old wakes up, because I'm right there and she can get soothing, nursing, cuddling without my having to get up and respond to her, and she doesn't have to get frantic in order to get what she needs.

My philosophy has been a selfish one from the start: I have no desire to get out of my warm cozy bed, walk down a hall, turn on lights, and get completely woken up in order to settle my child. I just don't have that high a tolerance for sleep deprivation!

Seriously, no one has to know what happens in your house, in your bedroom. You can lie, avoid the question, redirect the topic, anything you want, and you are a grownup, you are the parent, and you are allowed to make the choices for your family. A great answer to any of that stuff is "It works for us"
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#37 of 54 Old 01-17-2006, 02:04 AM
 
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My original reasons for co-sleeping were similar to others--closeness, ease of BFing, better sleeping etc. We still co-sleep with her, although we have added to our reasons:
DH gets to cuddle her more--he works 12 hr shifts in the Air Force.
Easy to get to her if we have a major problem...fire, robbers, major storm. In fact I have a sling in our bedroom if we ever had to climb out the window! I can strap all 35lbs of her on my back if I need to! heehee

Ok, sounds dramatic, and will probably never happen, but I thought I'd bring up some other reasons I like cosleeping!
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#38 of 54 Old 01-17-2006, 07:53 AM
 
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i love sleeping with my four-year-old and feel that it has made me much more receptive to touch beyond sexuality. that is, my husband and i never snuggled during the night before my son was born - we slept in the knife and fork position instead of the spoons position, as a comedian has it - but now i think, when my son eventually moves out to his own bed, my husband and i will be much more snuggly, because i have enjoyed the nighttime reassurance of connection so much. when i look at my son's sleeping vulnerability, i wonder how anyone can let her child sleep so far away.
for me, as well, the questions have stopped, thank god. however, i still felt vindicated lately when ferber amended his position on CIO, but i was mature enough NOT to copy the article and pass it on to my MIL.
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#39 of 54 Old 01-17-2006, 03:37 PM
 
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It seems that all the posts I've read seem to think that there is either cry-it-out or co-sleeping. But there is definitely a middle ground. Both of my girls (1 and 3) sleep in their own bedrooms. The bigger one has a bed and the little one is in a crib. I never let them cry it out, and they finished sleeping with me by 3 months. I am always there for them when they cry or fuss, or even if they just call out "Mama" - but at the same time, I have a few hours each night to work, spend time with my husband, work around the house, or go out for coffee. It is also much easier with Grandma or our trusted babysitter because they go to bed so easily - there is not a huge expectation for mama to be in the bed every night.

I respect your choices to co-sleep, but please don't lump the rest of us as CIO parents. I always sooth my children, I just choose to put them back in their beds when I am done. And most mornings we do pile into my bed - awake - and spend some time snuggled together.
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#40 of 54 Old 01-17-2006, 08:56 PM
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I remember facing the same criticism when my son was young. Some people seem to see it as a personal achievement to get a child to sleep through the night. All children are different and have different issues. For some, sleep is an issue. We started co-sleeping because our son woke up so frequently and I got more sleep if he was right next to me. He didn't sleep 'through the night' until he was 2 years old. I sometimes wondered if it took this long because we co-sleep, but I've spoken to other parents who didn't co-sleep who had children that took as long to sleep through the night too. Some children, I think, are just wired that way. Around 21 months, I did start offering substitutes for night-nursing since I was getting worn out, and I knew he didn't physically need to nurse at night. I think he was sometimes rousing because it was convenient and pleasant to nurse, and it's been better for both of us since he stopped night nursing.
Regarding the BFing. How anyone can still be critical of BFing when even pediatric doctors recommend it for at least one year, is just beyond me. Heck, even formula companies have to tell you that BFing is best! The only problem with BFing in the US is that women aren't given enough support to continue it. Working FT and BFing is a challenge, and if you're prepared to do it, then you should be applauded rather than discouraged. Find a powerful enough pump, work out someplace pleasant to pump, and don't be embarrassed. You'll get used to it, and so will the people around you, and your child will benefit from reduced sickness (my 32 month old weaned 7 weeks ago and just got his first ear infection), better brain development and the closeness that you can both enjoy. As for solids, my advice is don't rush it. My family seemed to think that I was abusing my son by not starting him on solids until 5.5 months. Even then, we had to abandon it for another month since he wasn't ready and just couldn't process it. I didn't really enjoy how much he nursed for the next month, but when we tried again at 6.5 months eveything went fine.
Unfortunately, many people have been a parent, so nearly everyone feels qualified to give you advice on your own parenting (whether you want it or not). The best advice any can give you is to do what feels right for you and for your child personally.
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#41 of 54 Old 01-18-2006, 09:30 AM
 
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ok- so what do you do when they get a little older but you want to have sex? how old is too old- or do you have sex during the day?
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#42 of 54 Old 01-18-2006, 10:53 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hesterprynne68
ok- so what do you do when they get a little older but you want to have sex? how old is too old- or do you have sex during the day?
You get creative. The bed (in the bedROOM) is for sleeping in our house.

nak
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#43 of 54 Old 01-18-2006, 11:13 AM
 
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A friend of mine always says "You have SEX in your BED? We sleep in ours." Cracks me up -- really there are plenty of other places and times to have sex besides in the bed -- the shower, the floor, the couch, the laundry room... etc... etc... etc...
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#44 of 54 Old 01-18-2006, 03:20 PM
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We have sex in my son's bedroom since he's not using it
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#45 of 54 Old 01-19-2006, 04:41 AM
 
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The baby is only 4 months now and he knows we are doing something. At the point at which he could talk I think it would be too weird.
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#46 of 54 Old 01-19-2006, 11:37 AM
 
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Didn't make it through the whole thread yet, but before I finish it all have to jump in ... we were told we were creating a monster by nursing exclusively.

:








People can be so silly sometimes.

YKWIM?
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#47 of 54 Old 01-19-2006, 07:04 PM
 
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Oh my goodness, Ladies. I can relate to every one of your posts and it's wonderful to feel the support out there.

We never thought of sharing our bed with our children; however, after our midwife handed him back to us after checking him out, there was no doubt where he would sleep -- snuggled next to us. We've gone back and forth on whether to keep him in our bed (usually after my MIL has worn us down) but always end up with the same response -- we're not ready to have him sleep in his own room. Sometimes our now 15 month old does sleep in his toddler bed (right next to our bed), but always ends up back in the "big bed" before the night's end.

Our son is the most gentle, thoughtful, confident little boy and I attribute a lot of that to the love he feels from us during the day and night.

I know it's tough hearing the same 'ole crap from other people who don't believe in the same philosophies in raising their children; and sometimes it does wear you down. But as a few other people on this post have stated so eloquently -- we need to tell them all to "bugger off". ..with love, of course.
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#48 of 54 Old 01-19-2006, 11:31 PM
 
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Grrr - what is it with people and their advice about "teaching" babies? I have recently come to realize that I shouldn't be teaching my babies anything about sleep; they are teaching us exactly what they need, namely to be close to mom and dad at night. And by meeting their needs, they're learning to trust us, to turn to people (instead of things) when they need comfort, and that comforting someone when they're crying is the right thing to do. These seem like more important lessons than the lesson of how to sleep through the night...

Jill, wife to J, mama to O (10/03), MK (7/05), angel1.gif(7/09), A (5/4/10), and ***4***8***12***16***20***24***28***32***36***stork-suprise.gif** 

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#49 of 54 Old 01-21-2006, 04:51 PM
 
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Yet one more experience to add. I was tremendously stressed about the sleep 'thing' when my ds was born. After reading a ton (mostly here) I began to relax and enjoyed following my instincts which were to hold and sleep with my baby as much as possible. He wasn't the greatest sleeper in the world and sometimes I felt like I spent the entire first year of his life helping him sleep. However, it has been fun to see him gradually drift into better and more consistent (and yes - even "independent") sleep patterns. It just seems to happen. In its own time.

About 2/3 of the way through my pregnancy with #2, we put a bed on the floor for ds (room-wise, my husband just could not fathom sleeping with 4 in the bed...and to be honest I was a little doubtful too. We all like our space.) Anyway - we gave him lots of chances for him to be in either place and we both slept with him down there and within a couple of weeks he always chose 'his' bed versus the 'big' bed. Fast forward to now and he is almost 3 and sleeping in his own room. And to my surprise there was absolutely no effort or trauma involved in the transition. I guess he was ready. If dd hadn't been on the way he might have slept with us longer. She probably will as this is probably our last child.

The point is - if I relaxed and just sort of adapted as needs changed, it has gone very well. I used to just say "she/he sleeps great" to avoid the hassle with opinionated outsiders. Now I'm a little braver since things have gone so well. I think co-sleeping is great and I also think my child loving his own bed is great too. Good luck.

J
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#50 of 54 Old 01-22-2006, 12:16 AM
 
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"If it's good enough for the Virgin Mary and Sarah, it's good enough for me."

This is what I'm going to start saying when people bug me about co-sleeping, breastfeeding a toddler and babywearing- I "mis"quote the old revival song, "Give Me that Old Religion"

It's true though- many of our "modern" institutions are not very biblical.


OK, Sarah had a concubine...I know. Not a practice we endorse today. But we don't endorse a lot of practices of Biblical people- though we are good at picking and choosing- different topic, sorry.

Still, how can you say the Virgin Mary, exemplary model of motherhood, and Sarah, matriach of the Jewish people, were wrong????
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#51 of 54 Old 01-22-2006, 12:22 AM
 
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Just had to reply again. Our "monster" tells us when he wants to take a nap and go to sleep "night-night." Instead of fighting him as SO many parents do to GO TO SLEEP, he just does it. I think he feels comfortable with sleeping.

Now to be fair, I was horrible to get to sleep, because I never wanted to miss anything.(still have trouble) So I'm not saying that co-sleeping will make a little angel who just goes to sleep, but I think it would be a tremendously difficult if he had his own bed. I might add, he's only 16 mos, so things may change.

My mom couldn't believe he tells us when he wants to sleep, or when he was hungry. Funny, because she's the one who suggested (strongly-I might add) we co-sleep, nurse, and sign. She never did such things with my brother and I, and wishes she did.
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#52 of 54 Old 01-22-2006, 08:18 AM
 
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Co-sleeping has been one of the best parts of parenting for us, and it most certainly didn't create any 'sleep monsters'. My son moved to his toddler bed next to our bed when he was almost 4, then shortly after to his own bed in his own room. No tears, no issues...a very peaceful, natural transition. He's 7 now and still loves to cuddle, but far prefers sleeping by himself.

My daughter will be 4 in March and she's been in her own room for a few months now. It was her idea and it's worked wonderfully...I thought she was a bit young, but she's more mature than my ds was and she was definitely ready. She still naps in my bed (with me...I love our naps!) but at night she loves sleeping in her own bed. She also used the toddler bed in our room for about six months before moving on.

We're due with our third baby in 6 weeks or so and he'll definitely be sleeping in with dh and I. We've never had sleep issues in our house, we're all very well rested, no stress, no crying...for us, the family bed is the only way to go!

Maureen
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#53 of 54 Old 02-02-2006, 02:43 PM
 
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My 7.5 year old still crawls into bed with me if he wakes up during the night. Only just when he turned 7 has he felt confident going to sleep in his own bed in his own room. He nursed until age 4.3 years.

Of course I think he is the most fabulous child ever, but just to give some outside perspective I will share what his grade 2 teacher has told me (she was also his grade 1 teacher). She said that he is the most well rounded student she has ever met. When I first met his teacher, she also said that she never gives out "A"s. Well, she certainly has given a lot of them to my son!
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#54 of 54 Old 02-04-2006, 12:33 AM
 
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wow your family sounds a bit like mine. I do have to say that when we decided to cosleep with our now 2 1/2yr. old I was worried that she would never be able to sleep alone and all that. The only reason these ideas entered my mind though was because I heard too many bleats from all the sheep who are comfortable shipping there sweet babies off to another room in the house from day one. When she was ready to move to her own bed she made it very clear, and is a very (very) independent little girl now. Don't even get me started on the issue of starting formula and solids. I got so many rude remarks and comments about my choices on these matters. Hold your own, be strong, and don't ever let them make you think that you are wrong in your choices. Everyone has a right to make the choices that suit them.
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