DH wants to stop family bed - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 01-28-2003, 03:08 PM - Thread Starter
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I told him that I wasn't about to move DS (5 months) into a crib while I'm nursing. I really just said that to stall him. I haven't really thought about how I feel about the family bed. I was just planning on letting DS wean himself into his own bed when he was older and ready.
I know for sure that weaning from nursing and moving out of the family bed should not happen at the same time, talk about traumatic!
Hopefully DH will realize that the time that DS will want to share the bed will go by fast and before we know it we'll be packing him up to go to college. Then we'll miss those wonderful nights.
I think now he's feeling like we can't have intimacy as a couple. To me this is BS. He was never interested in cuddling at night before. He doesn't go to bed until 3 a.m. and then I get up at 4:30 or 5 a.m. so it's not even like he gets cuddles then anyway with or without DS being in the bed. DH did admit that he loved seeing the baby first thing in the morning and that he'd miss that.
My heart absolutely broke cause I thought we were on the same page about this. I really think that he's been talking to his co-workers and they are filling his head with the Ezzo and other's poison. One woman in particular who gave birth a few months before I did is already feeding cereal and has for a long time and never co-slept. She's always asking what DS's developments are and what we're doing. I know she's being nice but it pisses me off that she questions what we do and DH doesn't have the knowledge or b*lls to stick up for our choices. She also told me that the only way she could get her baby to sleep in the crib is to put him on his stomach. That sounded really SCARY to me, but I'm totally paranoid about SIDS, which is another reason I love co-sleeping.
Anyway, I guess I just wanted to vent. I know that I'm not alone in this issue.
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#2 of 6 Old 01-28-2003, 03:30 PM
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It can be very difficult when the parents don't agree on a parenting technique.

From the sounds of it though, I suspect that you could go a long way towards making your DH feel better if you sat him down and HEARD him. Tell him you respect his opinion, his feelings, and you want him to tell you exactly how he feels, why he thinks ending the family bed will help. Nod, be supportive and understanding while he lays out his thoughts and feelings to you. He'll be much more receptive to compromises and to listening to YOU if he feels he's been heard and understood.

When he's laid out his thoughts, then you can gently counter them. For example, if he says he misses intimacy, ask him if you moved your child to a crib, how that would change given your different bedtimes? Then ask him how he will feel about being woken up several times a night to a crying baby, and getting jostled as you get in and out of bed to tend to that baby. Don't say this in a defensive way, try to make it an honest question, as in "I want your opinion on this" tone of voice, KWIM?

I really think that your DH will soon realise that kicking your baby out of bed is not going to solve his problems. I think that really, he just wants to feel he has a part, a say, in the parenting decisions, and that his feelings count. Maybe this woman at work is making him feel that he doesn't understand the choices you've made, and that makes him feel like he doesn't have a say in it all, when really he agrees with you.

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#3 of 6 Old 01-28-2003, 03:58 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you for your response. You are right, I do need to sit down with him and listen to his feelings.
It's frustrating because I thought that I'd talked to him about attachment parenting styles and that we agreed. Perhaps I didn't go into it as deep as I thought I did.
This woman at his work told him that babies need to cry to exercise their lungs. The sad thing is he believed her! My DH is easily influenced by whoever is talking to him. I think it's a defense mechanism.
I really wanted to kill this lady!

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#4 of 6 Old 01-28-2003, 04:03 PM
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Can you ask him what he wants to happen in 5 years? When you have a 5 year old, will that child sleep with you all the time? Will he never sleep with you? Only when sick, scared, or worried? I've never met a parent that didn't expect a sick child to come to them at 2 am, or a kid with a nightmare to stay away. (I'm sure there are some out there, but I've never met one). Maybe if he sees it as a continuing process of development, he won't feel so "all or nothing" right now. After all, your 5 month old can't patter into your room yet to tell you he's scared.
My suggestion (worth all you paid for it - nothing! ) is that you might try putting the baby down in his bed first, and when he first wakes, bring him in with you for the rest of the night. If your husband is willing to come to bed with you at your time, you'd have your alone time. Or, he could move the baby out when he comes to bed, and you could move the baby back with him when you get up.

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#5 of 6 Old 01-29-2003, 12:01 AM
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Originally posted by Piglet68
Then ask him how he will feel about being woken up several times a night to a crying baby, and getting jostled as you get in and out of bed to tend to that baby.
I agree with everything said except that if he wants the baby in a seperate bed it should be him who has to get up and get him at night

And that woman he works with sounds like an idiot. have you explained to him that she really doesn't have a clue and he really shouldn't listen to her?

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#6 of 6 Old 01-31-2003, 02:21 AM
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My husband was never on board with the family bed, and even told me while pregnant that if I was going to bring her into the bed, let him know and he'd find another place to sleep. He was too afraid of crushing her. When I put her in the bed between us, I put a pillow between them. He liked the family bed at first, actually, because we all seemed to get more sleep than we otherwise would, it felt cozy having us altogether, and he liked seeing her when he woke up in the morning.

Even so, he said that he wanted to try transitioning her to her own bed at 6 months, but when the time came he didn't have the heart to. Things were going well, so we kept it like that for awhile. We used to cuddle and talk every night before going to bed, but after our daughter came along, we stopped doing that. We still went to bed at the same time, but my husband always felt sleep deprived and was in general more stressed than he had been before our daughter was born. He did tell me that he didn't feel as close to me and that we needed more time to commune, which we had lost.

Eventually her sleeping pattern was rather disruptive, so he started sleeping in the guest bed down the hall. This was when she was around 2. By 2.5 I started sleeping with her on an air mattress in our room, hoping to transition her to her own bed, but that didn't come about until she was past 3.
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