Ok I have to draw the line here..this sounds like downright child abuse! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 11:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So I have a very diverse group of mommy friends. I try not to judge and I try to be accepting of different parenting styles. Some cio, ff, spank etc while others clw, cosleep, gd etc. I try to be friends with the ones who do things I dislike parenting wise and just not talk about that stuff and concentrate on what we do have in common, but I have to draw the line here:

One of the moms (she has a 6 month old and a 4 year old) just posted in our yahoo group that her 6 month old hasnt been sleeping as well so she set up a bed for him in a room in the house they dont use so she could close the door and let him scream his lungs out and not wake up her or anyone else in the house. As if I wasnt traumatized by this enough she thought it was a funny situation and was also considering putting ear plugs in as well. She called it "tough love"

There really isnt anything I can say to her and we're not supposed to debate in the group but this really really irks me.
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#2 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 11:56 AM
 
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Doesn't it make you wonder how some people can shut down their parenting instincts to that point?

It makes me nauseous when I hear about some of the things people do to their babies in the name of parenting.
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#3 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 12:02 PM
 
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That makes me sad. Instead of pointing out fault, maybe list some alternatives to her method, and point out that doing something like that "can" be stressful on the baby. Cushion your words, but make your point.
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#4 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 12:03 PM
 
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That is so heartbreaking!! Why is it so hard for people to understand that babies need their mamas? I know so many adults who say they can't fall asleep without their spouse next to them. And babies' needs for that close contact is so much greater. That just breaks my heart. It is also very scary when parent's desensitize themselves to their baby's cries.

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#5 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 12:09 PM
 
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We'd gotten some baby books as gifts, which we never really looked at. One ended up being a Sears book I just recently realized. I'd been wondering all along what everyone was talking about, never realizing that an unopened copy was on the shelf right behind me .

Anyway, I was looking through them recently just to see what the various positions were on different things.

Under 'sleeping problems', one of the books advised putting your child to bed, shutting the door, and not opening it until morning no matter what, unless "blood rolls out from under the door". It was said tongue-in-cheek, of course, but to me that's not very much different than listening to screams roll out from under the door.
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#6 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 12:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed
We'd gotten some baby books as gifts, which we never really looked at. One ended up being a Sears book I just recently realized. I'd been wondering all along what everyone was talking about, never realizing that an unopened copy was on the shelf right behind me .

Anyway, I was looking through them recently just to see what the various positions were on different things.

Under 'sleeping problems', one of the books advised putting your child to bed, shutting the door, and not opening it until morning no matter what, unless "blood rolls out from under the door". It was said tongue-in-cheek, of course, but to me that's not very much different than listening to screams roll out from under the door.
Dr. Sears says to shut the door, unless blood rolls out from under the door? Or it was a different book?
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#7 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 12:18 PM
 
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Dr. Sears says to shut the door, unless blood rolls out from under the door? Or it was a different book?
That's not in the Sear's book...

Sounds like an extreme "ferberizer" sort of book.

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#8 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 12:20 PM
 
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No, no! Sorry! That was a different book.
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#9 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 12:20 PM
 
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This is so sad- i was speaking to a mom with much the same idea. How does your baby being sad NOT make you sad??- I'm a wreck if DS is crying abd I can't help him- (only in the car and we have to wait 'til it's safe to pull over).

I simply said, that I can't do that, I keep DS in bed with me and it works great- both he and I are happy and sleep MUCH better.

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#10 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 12:24 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed
No, no! Sorry! That was a different book.
thought so! lol thought maybe i had missed that part
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#11 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 12:48 PM
 
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I just can't wrap my head around how someone could listen to their child cry and cry and cry like that. And at 6 months old?!?!? It's a BABY for pete's sake!! I'm sorry, that's not "sleep training", that's straight up neglect.
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#12 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 01:16 PM
 
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This is the one thing that some parents do that I will never be able to understand..
What is so wrong with picking up a crying child and comforting them. Are people these days really that emotionally unattached.
My Sil was putting my nephew in his crib and after about 5 minutes she nearly broke down in tears as she realized what she was doing. As far as I know she hasnt done it again....

Are you the group owner?....If not perhaps you could have a private talk with the group owner about how disturbing this is what this mother is doing and to ask her to not poke fun at a situation in which a child is being seriously neglected.
If you are the group owner ..I wouldnt hesitiate to break the no debate rule and tell her just what I thought of her abusive behaviour..
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#13 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 02:52 PM
 
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I'm pretty sure I would tell this woman what I thought about her neglecting her baby. What she is doing is a form of abuse. I *could not* be friends with a person who does that to their child, and that is why I wouldn't hesitate to tell her what I thought about her "parenting" - even if it would make her mad. But that's me...
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#14 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 03:24 PM
 
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This is neglect and I would give her some AP books to read or some internet articles showing how detrimental this is on not only her sweet little 6 mo old, but her dear little 4 yo who is watching this. If she found it "funny" enough to tell others about, it makes me wonder in deep concern if there are other "parenting methods" that she's using on the dc that she doesn't speak of. My heart just hurts.
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#15 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 03:29 PM
 
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That is horrid. Some people do have that kind of black humour, where they make things funny when they aren't, though. I remember there was a time when sometimes I would put my son down crying for a minute or two, in the other room, just so I could have a break for a sec, then of course go back to hugging him, walking with him, singing with him etc. (he would cry for hours). I just needed a second to recoup.
I feel for her, but that is not a good solution. Does the child have colic or something? That can drive parents nuts.
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#16 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 03:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by judesmama
I'm pretty sure I would tell this woman what I thought about her neglecting her baby. What she is doing is a form of abuse. I *could not* be friends with a person who does that to their child, and that is why I wouldn't hesitate to tell her what I thought about her "parenting" - even if it would make her mad. But that's me...
I agree - at 6 mths old - that is just plain neglect. If it was a 2 year old - it wolud still suck & I probably would have a very hard time being friends w/ someone who parented that way, but it's more of a difference of parenting styles. but 6 months old!!! if it was someone local, I would probably talk to someone I knew at DCF for suggestions on how to help that family.
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#17 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 04:07 PM
 
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That is horrifying. How can a mama be so cold hearted to her own child??

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#18 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 04:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dynamohumm6
I just can't wrap my head around how someone could listen to their child cry and cry and cry like that. And at 6 months old?!?!? It's a BABY for pete's sake!! I'm sorry, that's not "sleep training", that's straight up neglect.
That's the thing. She's not even LISTENING to her baby cry. She's trying to put the baby someplace where she won't be able to hear. Sadly, I know a number of people who use the CIO approach. More than one mom has had to leave the house while their dh checked on the baby because it was too painful to hear the cries . Other mom's have said it was the hardest thing they ever had to do and it felt horrible. Well, duh...if it felt so wrong, why did you do it?

Karen - spouse to dh for 11 years, mama to ds (Nov '02), dd (May '05) and ds and dd (Jun '08)

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#19 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 04:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mama to one
That's the thing. She's not even LISTENING to her baby cry. She's trying to put the baby someplace where she won't be able to hear. Sadly, I know a number of people who use the CIO approach. More than one mom has had to leave the house while their dh checked on the baby because it was too painful to hear the cries . Other mom's have said it was the hardest thing they ever had to do and it felt horrible. Well, duh...if it felt so wrong, why did you do it?
Does she not want to hear him cry because it breaks her heart, or because the noise annoys her?

Whenever I've heard people talk about earplugs, it's so the noise won't "bother them", not because it upsets them.
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#20 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 05:34 PM
 
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Thats just cruel and for her to post that and laugh about it. She has some serious issues. Thats is just aweful.
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#21 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 06:11 PM
 
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I actually disagree about the laughter showing how horrific this makes this mom. Haven't we all had a time when we had to either laugh or scream? (Or cry, or otherwise break down?) For whatever screwed-up reason, this mom thinks that this is something she "has" to do, for the sake of her baby (oy!), her family, her sanity, whatever... She's wrong, obviously, and as a result she's torturing her child, but I don't fault her for attempting to find the humor in it - that's a very common coping mechanism.
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#22 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 06:16 PM
 
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That is so sad it breaks my heart!
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#23 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 06:22 PM
 
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Before i had my babe, I honestly thought babies cried all the time and that I would get earplugs to cope with it. I had no idea! I joked about getting ear plugs when I told people that I was pregnant....
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#24 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 06:26 PM
 
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"Tough love" and a 6-mo-old?!?! Wow.

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#25 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 06:28 PM
 
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That is so heartbreaking.. I hope for that poor little baby's sake that she didn't actually follow through and do that

What did the other mothers say to her in response?

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#26 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 06:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mama2babybeans
What did the other mothers say to her in response?
I was wondering that too. I don't think even Ferber would suggest such an approach with a baby that young!!! At least he tells people to go in and check. (not that that's OK either...)

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#27 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 10:52 PM
 
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I generally feel nausated when I hear any CIO it story. I can handle many other differences in parenting styles, but CIO is something I just can't grasp. Some people actually let weeks old babies CIO.
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#28 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 11:14 PM
 
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I haven't had a chance to read all the replies, only a quick sec to post...I'll read the pp's replies in a bit...



OMG My heart just breaks for this poor baby.

I don't understand how parents who parent like that, just don't get it? How can they NOT think they aren't doing damage to their children emotionally? How can they sleep at night? It just makes me so mad that parents would intentionally do that to their child and I know first hand after my experience with DS how it can completely and totally destroy a poor little baby's sense of security, safety, bonding and attachment. I always maintain, that any good parent wouldn't shove their child in a room and let them cry for hours on end at 2pm in the afternoon, why, why, why do some parents think it is different at 2 in the morning for example? Why do some parents think their job as a parent is over when it is the kids bedtime? How can anyone even suspect their child is screaming and crying somewhere and not be the slightest bit inclined to want to go and comfort them and be there for them?

Feel free to copy and paste my post below in this forum about my story with my MIL letting my son CIO only 1.5 hours twice a week for about 4-5 weeks and how much it damaged him emotionally and how long it took me to reverse that damage. I can't imagine what it would be like for a child to scream all night long and what that would do to them. That is just one of the reasons I wrote that all out, was hopefully to help someone out there realize the damage they are doing with CIO.

Keep us posted, I'm in tears just thinking about this poor baby, this is going to eat me up inside, I'm curious to see what happens.
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#29 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 11:18 PM
 
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If this is already been mentioned, my apologies, my DH is getting the kids ready for bed, so I haven't had a chance to read the pp's...

But why not just quietly post this link in your Yahoo Group? Don't get into a debate or anything if that isn't allowed, but just the link. I think the story speaks for itself, and the fact that it is a Harvard study seems to get through to a lot of mainstream parents...

http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04
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#30 of 53 Old 04-17-2006, 11:24 PM
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Without commenting on parenting techniques, can you say, "Aren't you worried he'll choke or something, and you won't hear him?"
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