Define Cry It Out (Spinoff from working mamas) - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: How do you define CIO?
Walking away from a crying child containment device allowing them to cry 175 75.43%
Option 1- plus soothing a fussy baby by patting their back 26 11.21%
Option 1, 2 and placing a sleepy baby down. 5 2.16%
Any sleep method that is not holding, cuddling or slinging an infant 26 11.21%
Voters: 232. You may not vote on this poll

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#1 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 12:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've always been a firm advocate against Cry It Out. I did a google search and could find no definitions. I always thought that Cry It Out was allowing an infant to cry themselves to sleep- with NO attention from anyone- basically walking away from a baby usually in a crib or other containment device as they scream for as long as it takes to go to sleep.
I was told on another thread that CIO is much more then what I think it is. One poster insinuated that any person who does not co-sleep is using CIO, another stated that not holding a sleeping child was CIO, several others thought that patting a child on the back while they were fussing to sleep was for sure CIO.
WTH??????
Am I the minority here? Does everyone else define CIO this broad? I'm not asking whether it is better to hold your sleeping child, I'm asking if not holding them is considered CIO by most?
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#2 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 12:57 PM
 
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CIO to me is not doing your best to comfort and meet the needs of a crying child. So patting a back when you know the child would like to be held is modified CIO to me.

I don't understand how not co-sleeping is CIO? Is the child in the situation crying? To me, if the child is crying and the parent is not responding as well as they can, it is CIO.
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#3 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 01:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Actually in my mind- the patting was of a child who was 90% asleep and fussing. Not screaming to be held. Maybe that's where the differnce in the opinions on the other thread were- in what patting the back looked like.
(my kids were all strong bruisers- if they wanted to be held there would've been no way to pat their back without physically holding them down- something I would never ever even think about)

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#4 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 01:07 PM
 
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If you are letting a child cry when you know they would stop by picking them up, that is CIO. Doesn't matter if you leave the room, talk to them without touching, or pat them on the back. You are still going against their needs to reach a goal.

ETA: There is no difference to me in "fussing" or "screaming" for CIO. That's like saying spanking is ok if you call it a "pop" instead of a "hit".

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#5 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 01:08 PM
 
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For me it's not about the sleep method, or the sleeping arrangements, or whether the child is being held during the nap, etc.

It is about 1) is the child crying, and 2) is the parent doing everything possible to comfort the child?

If the answer to #1 is yes, and #2 is no, it is CIO. Simple as that.
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#6 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 01:13 PM
 
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#7 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 01:15 PM
 
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Well, if you're not co-sleeping then the child could end up crying uncomforted for much longer than he or she would being next to you. But I'd say CIO is refusing to hold, touch, comfort nurse, or whatever the baby is crying for beyond the bare basics anybody would give them (food, right temperature, clean diaper). Incidentally if a parent doesn't even give those things I'd not call it CIO I'd call it plain child abuse. I'm against CIO simply because I see no reason to put yourself or your child through that. It's way more stressful to *not* attend to a crying baby than to spend all the time it takes to calm them.
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#8 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 01:22 PM
 
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I agree with thismama.

IMO, CIO is leaving the child alone (wherever they sleep-bed,crib,bassinett,swing, whatever) to cry him/herself to sleep, no matter how long that takes, 5 minutes or 5 hours.

I do not think not-co-sleeping is CIO. My ds didn't co-sleep with us until recently. We never ever let him cio. He was a very mellow baby who we could lay down awake and he would just go to sleep.

I also don't think that patting a fussy baby on the back is necessarily CIO. I think there is a distinct difference in fussing to sleep and crying to sleep. My dd, if she's not nursing to sleep (I WOH part time, so nursing to sleep isn't always an option) will kind of "complain" to sleep. She makes it known that she's going to go to sleep, but if she can't nurse first, she's not entirely happy about it.
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#9 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 01:33 PM
 
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What thismama said.
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#10 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 01:58 PM
 
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The fourth choice in the poll annoys me. My DD (now almost 20 months) cannot abide being held or touched at all when she's trying to sleep; she wants me nearby, but she wants to be left alone. She has made this abundantly clear since she was very small. When I put her down to sleep, she talks or sings to herself for a few minutes, and then drifts off to sleep. No crying involved. And yet by option 4 in the poll, what I do would be defined as CIO. What the heck?

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#11 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 02:21 PM
 
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What ThisMama said.

Llyra, IMO, if you were to force your DD to be rocked to sleep and she cried, IMO, that would be CIO. You are molding your parenting style to fit the needs of your child, she needs her own space to sleep well. You give her that, in a loving and respectful way. Just my opinion...

My DS needs me when he is getting ready to sleep, he has moments where he doesn't even want DH in the room. He wants me and me alone. If I were to ask DH to put him to sleep, or allow DH in the bedroom when James was trying to fall asleep (when he's in his Daddy GET OUT! mood) then I believe that would be CIO, no matter how cuddly and loving DH is with DS. We are not meeting his needs. JMHO

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#12 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 02:24 PM
 
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Quote:
For me it's not about the sleep method, or the sleeping arrangements, or whether the child is being held during the nap, etc.

It is about 1) is the child crying, and 2) is the parent doing everything possible to comfort the child?

If the answer to #1 is yes, and #2 is no, it is CIO. Simple as that.
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#13 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 02:24 PM
 
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I think CIO is just letting the baby cry when you know what's wrong, and you are able to fix it.

For example, the baby is hungry, or wants to be held, and you just let it cry....that is CIO.

I don't necessarily agree with other people's definition of CIO. I don't think co-sleeping really has anything to do with CIO. My son whines when trying to fall alseep, and he always falls asleep in our bed or in my arms. So, then am I letting him CIO?

Also, sometimes, things come to a point when you have tried everything, and nothing is soothing your baby and you are at the end of your rope. You set the baby down in a crib (or somewhere safe), and walk away until you can come back and calmly try to soothe the baby again. I don't think that should be included in CIO (Unless the parent is gone for an long time). I have to do this sometimes, but my son never cries for more than 2-3 minutes. But sometimes I just need him to be away from my ear, or I will lose it.

I also think there is a difference in fussing to sleep and crying to sleep. Crying to sleep = just leaving them alone and letting them literally cry themselves to sleep or exhaustion. Fussing to sleep, some babies just have a hard time transistioning to the sleep state. My son is like that. I can hold him, rock him, feed him, do whatever, he will still fuss to sleep. I don't think that is CIO

but that's just my .02

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#14 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 03:23 PM
 
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I'd never heard of CIO until I came here. But, to me, CIO means ignoring your child's need for you in order to "sleep train". I can't pin it down any more than that, because so many things depend on the baby in question.

For example:

DS1 fell asleep on me every single night. We co-slept until he was about one, then he moved into his own room (both doors open, so I could hear him if he started to fuss/cry - rarely happened). But, he fell asleep on my chest on the couch every night, then my ex moved him to his crib. That was what he liked, so that's what we did.

DD - totally different. She absolutely could not fall asleep with us. Holding her just made her angry - any attempt to interact (rocking, singing, whatever) made her angry - she needed to have no distractions of any kind, including our presence, or she couldn't fall asleep. We finally had to leave her alone when she got tired. We'd go back to check on her in five minutes - if she was still awake and crying, we'd pick her up, because she wasn't ready to sleep yet. But, if she was ready, she'd be crashed. DD was the hardest for me, because leaving her alone when she cried went against everything in my gut...but it was the only way she'd fall asleep. We did the same at bedtime, then got into bed with her.

DS2 - no problem. Hold him, nurse him, sing to him...he settles in with us and drops right off. When he falls asleep at the breast during the day, I transfer him to the couch, and he sort of fusses in his sleep for a second, so I pat his back a couple of times, and he drops right back off.

All three of them have been totally different, and I've had to adapt to what each child needs to get to sleep when they're tired. If I don't do that, I'm doing a form of CIO, imo.

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#15 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 03:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kathryn
If you are letting a child cry when you know they would stop by picking them up, that is CIO. Doesn't matter if you leave the room, talk to them without touching, or pat them on the back. You are still going against their needs to reach a goal.
NAK
Yup, that.

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#16 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 06:44 PM
 
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Thank you for posting this question - I actually was thinking of starting a similar thread.

what is or isn't CIO is so hard. I mean, we all agree that putting a screaming baby down in a crib and walking away is not good. But what about when baby's needs and mama's needs are in conflict - for example, my first child would invariably wake up and start screaming when I was in the shower - was is CIO that I didn;t leap out of the shower (wet and soapy) to tend to him but rather finished my shower first? Or when I am making dinner and really cannot be interrupted (nor safely hold my son), if my son starts to cry in his highchair, is that CIO if I wait until it is safe?

I ask myself these questions all the time and with my second I have had to come to the conclusion that waiting a few minutes won't kill them - otherwise I end up really frustrated and panicky.

Thoughts??

You know the attributes for a great adult? Initiative, creativity, intellectual curiosity? They make for a helluva kid...
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#17 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 10:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by siobhang
But what about when baby's needs and mama's needs are in conflict - for example, my first child would invariably wake up and start screaming when I was in the shower - was is CIO that I didn;t leap out of the shower (wet and soapy) to tend to him but rather finished my shower first? Or when I am making dinner and really cannot be interrupted (nor safely hold my son), if my son starts to cry in his highchair, is that CIO if I wait until it is safe?

I ask myself these questions all the time and with my second I have had to come to the conclusion that waiting a few minutes won't kill them - otherwise I end up really frustrated and panicky.

Thoughts??
My thoughts really depend on the age of the child- under 6 months I would probably take the view that whatever you can do to soothe that child - ie take a shower when daddy is home, order take out etc is the best bet.
But over 12 months I think that they do begin to learn a little little bit that there are times mama cannot meet their needs. So I would reassure the child as much as possible- keep them in view etc etc.
Between 6 and 12 months is grey area for me- I tend to err on the side of responding physically, but the more children you have the more difficult that becomes- ie toddler is climbing on something dangerous baby is crying....

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#18 of 78 Old 04-19-2006, 10:44 PM
 
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i voted option 1 - no attempt to soothe a crying baby to sleep.

i used to be more rigid in my "definitions" of ap, cio, and "good" parenting - until i met my son. he is a very different bird than my daughter is - and while many tools that i found worked wonderfully with dd (nursing to sleep, cosleeping, slinging to sleep) simply don't work for him. once in a blue moon (maybe once a week), he will fall asleep nursing and stay asleep as i transition him to my bed or the pack and play. otherwise, after nursing, the only way to get him to sleep is to pat his butt while he grumbles, fusses, whimpers, or cries (and yes, all of these are distinctly different noises and associated emotions - i cannot believe the failure to separate these). most of the time, if he is nursing or being held or slung, he is AWAKE - and will eventually start crying in arms and trying to fling himself to the floor when he gets overtired. either way, there will be some level of unhappiness - but one that is distinctly different from an i-have-been-abandoned scream.

it was much easier to be black and white about this issue when i had a baby with a more mellow temperament.
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#19 of 78 Old 04-20-2006, 01:53 AM
 
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Originally Posted by kate~mom
i used to be more rigid in my "definitions" of ap, cio, and "good" parenting - until i met my son. he is a very different bird than my daughter is - and while many tools that i found worked wonderfully with dd (nursing to sleep, cosleeping, slinging to sleep) simply don't work for him. once in a blue moon (maybe once a week), he will fall asleep nursing and stay asleep as i transition him to my bed or the pack and play. otherwise, after nursing, the only way to get him to sleep is to pat his butt while he grumbles, fusses, whimpers, or cries (and yes, all of these are distinctly different noises and associated emotions - i cannot believe the failure to separate these). most of the time, if he is nursing or being held or slung, he is AWAKE - and will eventually start crying in arms and trying to fling himself to the floor when he gets overtired. either way, there will be some level of unhappiness - but one that is distinctly different from an i-have-been-abandoned scream.

it was much easier to be black and white about this issue when i had a baby with a more mellow temperament.
I read your post with great interest since my children are in the same boat. DD would nurse to sleep and could sleep through anything. DS can nurse to sleep, but will not transition into bed--wakes up immediately and cries. He also wakes several times a night and cries (he's a very light sleeper and wakes when he doesn't have enough room to roll, whenever my DH rolls over, when he's cold, when DD talks in her sleep, etc. . .). I try to nurse him back to sleep but sometimes that just doesn't work and I end up patting his lower back until he falls back to sleep. I really don't feel in this situation I am CIO because I am doing whatever I can to attend to his needs and most of the time when he wakes he really is only partially awake--KWIM? However, if he was really upset, and you all know what that sounds like as moms, I would definately not hesitate to get up with him and try to calm him!!!!!

I think CIO is when a parent hears their children crying and chooses not to do anything about it to help their child.

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#20 of 78 Old 04-20-2006, 12:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Madre Piadosa
My thoughts really depend on the age of the child- under 6 months I would probably take the view that whatever you can do to soothe that child - ie take a shower when daddy is home, order take out etc is the best bet.
Well, sure, but the idea of ordering takeout doesn't help me when I am in the middle of dinner and the baby starts to cry, YKWIM (not to mention the fact that we can't afford it for 12 months!).

Or when my toddler starts climbing into the oven the same time my 5 month old starts fussing to nurse. Or even more common - I am stuck in rush hour traffic and my baby starts crying, despite the fact that he was nursed or sleeping or whatever when we got in the car.

I sorta feel the judgement of "you must attend to your baby immediately at all times when s/he cries or you are being abusive" makes for some VERY frustrating and upsetting times for mamas (okay, me) when there are reasons why they can't attend to the baby at that precise moment.

I mean, if I don't pull the car over on the freeway to nurse my baby for 45 minutes but rather let him cry until I get home 10 minutes later (all the while singing and talking to him), is that going to psychologically damage him for the rest of his life? God, I hope not, since I have had to do that more than once.

Staying home all day, every day for the first 12 months so that I can respond to my baby immediately is just not an option for me, nor for most people, I think. So I need to know what is okay (i.e. less harmful) in these situations.

I hate hearing my kids cry - it physically hurts me - so not responding is very hard. But I am trying to sort out *what* it is about CIO that hurts kids, you know? So I can make better judgements about prioritization. I know that if my baby is choking in the car, yes, pulling over on the freeway is the best response. Is pulling over on a busy freeway the best response if he is hungry, and I will be home in less than 10 minute? I don't know.

Are we judging CIO on intention? I intend to meet my kids needs but sometimes can't, so it is okay for them to cry a bit sometimes?

But the kids don't get intention - they don't know that I want to pick them up but can't - they just know that their needs are being met. So from the standpoint that CIO damages a kid's trust for the parents, ANY time a parent/caregiver doesn't meet the kid's needs, regardless of intention, s/he is damaging the kid.

Is it age or time limits? it is okay after age 12 months but not before? Okay for under 15 minutes, but not for more? is it okay if I talk to them but can't pick them up?

Obviously, avoiding the situation is the best for all concerned, but sometimes things cannot be avoided.

I cannot tell you the amount of guilt and pain I went through during DS1's infancy about this issue of what to do when I cannot meet his needs right then and there (especially as he was a moderately high needs child). I still wrestle with it, though I am a lot more relaxed because I see that my ds is very attached and secure little guy even if I finished my shower a few times while he cried as a baby.

Luckily ds2 is pretty calm and easy going.

Siobhan

Edited to add: Please note that I do not think that *anyone* is suggesting I am abusing my kids or that you are judging me. This thread has been very useful for me to articulate what goes on in MY head whenever faced with this situation. I would love to know y'all's responses, thoughts, decision making approaches, etc.

You know the attributes for a great adult? Initiative, creativity, intellectual curiosity? They make for a helluva kid...
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#21 of 78 Old 04-20-2006, 01:02 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by siobhang
I sorta feel the judgement of "you must attend to your baby immediately at all times when s/he cries or you are being abusive" makes for some VERY frustrating and upsetting times for mamas (okay, me) when there are reasons why they can't attend to the baby at that precise moment........

Obviously, avoiding the situation is the best for all concerned, but sometimes things cannot be avoided.
nak
I agree with these these statements (not that I feel judged here, just the overall statement) I think when we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves it sets us up for guilt and depression.

For me- I try to plan ahead as best i can to avoid melt downs. But they happen- I'm not perfect, and sometimes one or the other of us is just having a hard day. We have to be forgiving on ourselves as parents

Example: The other night it is 8:30pm I have tried everything to get ds to sleep, I'm getting angry, he's crying, finally I get out of bed shov ds into dh's arms and say (very grouchily) I'm just going to make dinner, I'm starving. Well- once dinner is made we give a bit to ds and he wants more. lots more. he's very hungry. After we all eat ds falls asleep peacefully in 10 minutes. Oops! With transitioning from nursing to solids i didn't realize the poor kid was hungry for solid food. Sometimes we are trying to meet kids needs but we don't understand them, we're always learning too, and i think this story demonstrates that we need to remember to meet our own needs as well so we're not too tired/grumpy/hungry to think straight.

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#22 of 78 Old 04-20-2006, 07:20 PM
 
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OMG!! I seriously didn't think that this many people thought it means to walk away from baby while in a baby containment device. LOL


I have always been taught (in college btw) that to "cry it out" with an infant means to help sooth a baby to sleep and teach him or her self soothing methods. It is basically patting a childs back (I went to school in the 80s when babies slept on their tummies) or bum. Leave, and go back in three minutes repeat the patting thing. Leave and go back in five minutes. You keep doing this until you reach 10-15 minutes. If the baby is still crying, you have just wasted the last hour of your life.....pick the baby up. Try again later. (or tomorrow)

With my own baby, I couldn't do it. For some reason the cry of your own child is too strong. But the cry of another's child doesn't pull the same heart strings.

I have only done this with three babies. This last one was hard....,his parents really wanted me to help him learn to sleep. They were at the ends of their rope. But, he was tough. He likes to sleep.....he just sees no reason to sleep when there are so many other things better going on.
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#23 of 78 Old 04-20-2006, 08:02 PM
 
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I think cio is intentionally NOT doing what baby wants, and is crying for. If he wants to be held and you refuse, or he wants to nurse or rock or cuddle and you won't. You don't have to leave baby alone for it to be cio. If you know what he wants and you won't do it, or you don't know and you don't try to figure it out, its cio.
This applies to babies under 6 mos to a year or so. Obviously, a toddler crying because he wants candy, and you won't give it, is not cio. lol


Quote:
Originally Posted by siobhang
I mean, if I don't pull the car over on the freeway to nurse my baby for 45 minutes but rather let him cry until I get home 10 minutes later (all the while singing and talking to him), is that going to psychologically damage him for the rest of his life? God, I hope not, since I have had to do that more than once.
I had that problem too. I could pull over, nurse him forever, and he'd STILL cry when I put him back in his seat, no matter how long I waited, no matter what I did. So if we only had 5 minutes left, I had to decide which would really be less bad for him. It always depended on how upset he sounded, etc. And I'd talk to him, or sing, or whatever. That was hard- we tried to go in the car as little as possible.

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#24 of 78 Old 04-20-2006, 08:28 PM
 
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Hmmm, I'm not sure where I fit in. I definitely think there is a difference between fussing and crying though. I usually pick up my babies if they do either, but ds2 will sometimes fuss next to me for about 60 seconds (the whole "eh eh eh" thing), and then roll over and go to sleep. Not picking him up while he fusses for that one minute is not CIO, IMO. I've never left him crying next to me without picking him up.

I'm not sure that I agree with "if you're not doing whatever it takes to meet their needs then it's CIO." I mean, I haven't slept through the night in almost 5 years because I do everything I can to meet the needs of my children, even at 2am. But there have been moments when I have had raging eczema on my breasts, the 16 month old baby has nursed 3 times in the last 2 hours, and I'm just sitting in bed holding him while he cries when I know he wants to nurse again. Or times when I nursed ds1 back to sleep 6 times in the past 3 hours, and now dh is walking him up and down the hallway while he is crying. We both know he wants to stay latched onto the nipple and sleep that way for the next 3 hours, but there's only so much I can take.

Anyway, I guess some could consider it CIO. I think CIO is abandoning a baby to cry alone. I'm not a fan of just rubbing a baby's back when they obviously want to nurse, but I know that every mom has their breaking point, and if the worst thing that happens to that child is that they are lovingly caressed rather than nursed (we're talking about older than an infant), then I can deal with that.
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#25 of 78 Old 04-20-2006, 08:30 PM
 
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I also think there are degrees to cio. I think there is a huge difference between people letting their kid cry for shorter periods (fussing, not wailing) when they're desperate, have tried better methods, or have other kids to eal with--and following the weissbluth method and not going to a very young baby all night long and not even trying other methods. It's always so black and white around here. I know people who let their kids cry 15 mintues and still go to them after or later in the night, and people who begin the weissbluth sleeptraining at 4 months with their first child and don't enter the room all night. It just makes me sad that some moms around here are nearly dying of exhaustion and they feel too guilty to let their comforted, overtired baby cry for five minutes. Because I've been there.
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#26 of 78 Old 04-20-2006, 11:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by thismama
For me it's not about the sleep method, or the sleeping arrangements, or whether the child is being held during the nap, etc.

It is about 1) is the child crying, and 2) is the parent doing everything possible to comfort the child?

If the answer to #1 is yes, and #2 is no, it is CIO. Simple as that.
Yep.
Age makes a difference here, too, because my new baby fussing was just pre-crying, but my toddler fussing might be changing positions, adjusting blankets, etc and not need anything from me.
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#27 of 78 Old 04-21-2006, 01:21 AM
 
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For me it's not about the sleep method, or the sleeping arrangements, or whether the child is being held during the nap, etc.

It is about 1) is the child crying, and 2) is the parent doing everything possible to comfort the child?

If the answer to #1 is yes, and #2 is no, it is CIO. Simple as that.
I guess I don't entirely agree with number 2. I would rephrase it to say that the parent is doing the best they can to comfort the child. Is it possible that I could have nursed ds2 for the 4th time that night on my cracked, eczema ridden bleeding nipples and stopped his crying? Yes, it's possible. But I just didn't have it in me. The best I could do was hold him while he cried in my arms. Like one of the pp said, I have been in situations where I am about to pass out from exhaustion or pain and feel guilty for not doing everything possible to comfort the child, feel guilty that "all" I did was hold them. (Although, if he had been 4 months old or so I would have nursed him no matter the pain, so age is definitely a factor for me.)
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#28 of 78 Old 04-21-2006, 02:04 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Kathryn
If you are letting a child cry when you know they would stop by picking them up, that is CIO. Doesn't matter if you leave the room, talk to them without touching, or pat them on the back. You are still going against their needs to reach a goal.

ETA: There is no difference to me in "fussing" or "screaming" for CIO. That's like saying spanking is ok if you call it a "pop" instead of a "hit".

Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama
For me it's not about the sleep method, or the sleeping arrangements, or whether the child is being held during the nap, etc.

It is about 1) is the child crying, and 2) is the parent doing everything possible to comfort the child?

If the answer to #1 is yes, and #2 is no, it is CIO. Simple as that.
Ditto.

I also agree with the person who said that there are different degrees of CIO, and that CIO can look different for different ages, and this is where some of the disagreement lies. People will say, "Well, I'm not using the Weissbluth method, so I'm not doing CIO," but I think it may just not be as extreme a degree of CIO. I also think it is absolutely possible to use CIO for the toddler who is crying over candy if the parent is making no attempt to comfort the crying child, is ignoring the child's cries to "teach them a lesson," etc. I remember crying for my mother in a crib near the age of 3, and I don't think it was any less traumatic just because I wasn't an infant.
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#29 of 78 Old 04-21-2006, 02:20 AM
 
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If you're patting the baby's back, then you're WITH the child, and that's not CIO IMO. If you can't hold the baby because you're already tending to another baby, but the crying baby can see/hear/smell you, that's not CIO either- that's doing all you can to soothe 2 or more babies at once.

I don't think it's possible to stop ALL crying, at least not past the newborn stage.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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#30 of 78 Old 04-21-2006, 10:07 AM
 
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I agree. I voted walking away from a child. The extreme definitions bother me when cio is considered very pejorative and a mom is doing everything she can to avoid it. And I think there is a difference between fussing and crying. It's not always just a linguistic twisting to make it sound better. I've heard people say things like, oh the baby doesn't know the difference as to why the mom is doing it, they only know that they're crying. But I disagree. I think a baby is going to feel different effects if they are left to cry alone all night vs. crying for a few minutes while mom regroups or goes to the other baby, or whatever. It's never ideal, of course. But as this forum regularly shows, it can get complicated, and isn't always ideal.
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