DH wants to make 2 'family beds' - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 11 Old 07-06-2006, 08:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We've coslept with ds (3) since he was born, and we're now trying to figure out a sleeping arrangement for when ds2 is born. DH has decided that he is going to start sleeping in one of the spare bedrooms with DS and I hate this idea. It would leave me alone with the baby, not that DH has ever ever done any nighttime parenting (he's great during the day but sleeps like a rock!) but I want to snuggle both my boys! And DH works long overnight shifts (works out to about 10 per month) so DS would end up back in 'my' bed those nights anyway. We have a king size bed and I think there is a better solution than breaking up the family bed, I just don't know what it is.
Bedtime and morning are very special times for me and ds, we snuggle and sweet talk each other and connect in that way I'm sure other cosleepers know about. That time stays with me through the day, and some days that's reeeeeally important! I don't know how the sleep patterns of the new baby will change it, but I imagine at least some nights/mornings the baby will take part in the snuggle sessions too. For sure as he gets older. If DS wanted to go sleep in his own room that would be fine (ok, it would be hard for *me* but I'd get over it! ) but this is just different. I want to snuggle my boys, darnit! DH doesn't get into the snuggling thing, he wakes up at 4:30 so misses morning snuggles and is tired at bedtime so just rolls over and gets grumpy if we drag it out too long. He says we "putz". Ha.
I've gently suggested he make himself a bedroom, but he doesn't want to do that for some reason. I guess it would make him feel like he was shunning his family, iykwim. I remember when DS was born and he asked how old we'd be cosleeping and I said "a couple years" his eyes about bugged out of his head! It's not that important to him because he isn't reaping the good stuff twice a day, getting loved on and making memories that will last a lifetime. He would, however like to cosleep with just me Yeah that makes sense but it's not going to happen anytime soon.
I'm just sad to think my sweet bed times with DS might be ending. And I'm sad to think he won't be able to share those times with his little brother. And I'm sad because I'm a hormonal pregnant lady and need all the snuggles I can get! If I lay down the law and say 'no, dh you move into your own bed' I know he will be hurt. I don't really want him to move out of our bed, but like I said he's not a bedtime snuggler and isn't there in the mornings. Isn't there some nights either! I need to bring him a good idea to get his mind off this separate family beds nonsense. I just can't think of anything!
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#2 of 11 Old 07-06-2006, 08:26 PM
 
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don't be sad.

Many things can work out of this situation of yours.

Tell your husband to give it a chance.

If your dh needs to have better sleeps then ask him to compromise...3 nights on his own...3 with you...ect...

We esentially have 2 family beds. It's not ideal. Ideal for me would us all sleep together comfortably. But that never happens. dd wakes up ds...ds wakes up dd...dh, and dd and ds wakes me. dh sleeps like a log and never wakes up for anything and I end up resenting him for it.

So some nights dh and dd sleep in her room.
and ds and I sleep in my room.

Some nights dd and ds and I sleep together and dh sleeps on his own.
and some nights we all sleep together!

It will work itself out...just be hopeful and gently persuasive! Sounds like he's a pretty reasonable guy.

Hey and having a couple family beds has its benefits...kids are used to sleeping in both rooms, kids are used to sleeping with either parent...and when the mood strikes there is that empty bed just waiting for a dh and his lovely dw to sneek off to!

chicken3.gifbelly.gifwow...i'm gonna have another one!!!
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#3 of 11 Old 07-06-2006, 09:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pinkmilk
when the mood strikes there is that empty bed just waiting for a dh and his lovely dw to sneek off to!
Hmm now there's something dh would jump at I guess it wouldn't be so bad to have 2 beds!
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#4 of 11 Old 07-06-2006, 09:26 PM
 
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How about setting up the 2 family beds and then just play it by ear? Some nights you'll all snuggle in the big bed, some nights DH will sleep by himself in the other room and you'll snuggle with both babies, some nights DH will start off with one child and you start with the baby, and by morning both kids are in with you, some nights you'll leave both kids asleep on bed#1 and go have "special mommy and daddy time" in bed#2... the possibilities are endless!

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#5 of 11 Old 07-07-2006, 01:35 AM
 
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I have heard of families just adding a second mattress on the floor in the main bed room. Then you are all in the same room and things can work it's out.
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#6 of 11 Old 07-07-2006, 01:38 AM
 
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We sleep seperately and it works in our case. Sometimes we all pile in together but dd can still be crabby well into the night.

DS - 5! - adopted at birth after infertility, IUI, and IVF; DD - 4! - surprise pregnancy discovered when DS was 8 months old ; Hoping for another soon (actively TTC ~ 2 years)
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#7 of 11 Old 07-07-2006, 02:01 AM
 
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I totally hear you about wanting everyone in the big bed. What about sidecarring a crib? We only have a queen bed and DH is a sprawler, so we've had a sidecar since DD1 was about 9 months old. We first did it because I was throwing my back out trying to twist around a rolly older baby all night while DH had 3/4 of the bed, and it gave us just enough extra space. When DD2 was a newborn, it gave me enough extra room that my rear end wasn't hanging off the bed with the babe in the middle, and it was the perfect little nest for DD1 when she wanted to be in bed with us. Now that DD2's the rolly older babe, she can snuggle with us in the main bed or roll around in her own space, as she chooses. And she's a bit of an adventure baby, so it provides a semi-confined space for when she's roaming the bed in the middle of the night. She can't get to the edge without climbing over me, and I wake up every time

Melissa, a homeschooling, caffix.gif-guzzling, SAHM of two: reading.gif (11) and joy.gif(8)
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#8 of 11 Old 07-07-2006, 02:21 AM
 
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We have two "official" family beds set up and a few other smaller beds that have been put into action depending on the night. It's worked out wonderfully. These days, many times we're separately together , and sometimes, we're all squished into one. And every other variation you can think of, we've done it. Flexibility is so key, IME When my dh goes to work, my oldest climbs in w/me and falls back asleep--so we still get the wake-up time together Most mornings, I'm surprised at who I wake up with b/c it's not exactly who I went to sleep with

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#9 of 11 Old 07-07-2006, 11:14 AM
 
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Our family bed is a King + Queen bed. We love it!

Mom to Eoin (11/02), Eilis (09/04), Eamon (07/07), and Ellery (04/10)
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#10 of 11 Old 07-07-2006, 12:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emilys_mom1
I have heard of families just adding a second mattress on the floor in the main bed room. Then you are all in the same room and things can work it's out.

That's what I was going to suggest.

My br was too small to do that, so we ended up with two family beds in seperate rooms, but the DC always ended up with me though. When DD came along, DS was 5 and loved being in his own bed. He slept like a rock (still does ) and he usually stayed in his own bed. They never went to X (now) unless I was sick and asked him to cosleep...he was always happy to do it :

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#11 of 11 Old 07-07-2006, 03:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Options! I guess I was missing the whole beauty of the arrangement and just seeing 'no more snuggling with ds EVER' DS doesn't like to snuggle during the day, it seems that something happens on his way down the stairs in the morning but when we're going to bed/waking up he's all about the cuddling.
It does seem like a good idea now to have the *option* of two beds, doesn't mean it's always going to be me-baby, dh-ds but it's good to have the option.
I talked with dh about it yesterday again and he said he doesn't want to sleep by himself Poor man cast out into the nether bedrooms. I think we'll just prepare both rooms and see what works best when the baby comes. I'm feeling much better about it. Thanks everyone!
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