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had it with the family bed

1K views 12 replies 6 participants last post by  CartersMomma 
#1 ·
(sorry for the broken text lines-- the server was down so I had to copy/paste this later)

I have really had it. I just spent 2 hours trying to put my overly
tired 28 mo. old for her nap. Finally gave up and drove her in the
car and she was out in 5 min. but what a hassle. I tried rocking,
singing, reading books, even gave into her request for some milk and
then some water, tried the soothing musical DVD, and she was so
tired, sceaming, crying tired, but would not nap. (And she's been
that way since she woke up, maybe cutting that other molar)

The main problem with our family bed situation is we are not getting
any sleep. Well dh sleeps fine, at the drop of a hat, but I don't,
and dd doesn't. She kicks the heck out of me when falling asleep.
Always has. She's a strong kid too, and I end up feeling literally
bruised by the time she finally falls asleep, from my torso and upper
arms down to my thighs. She's a very bright child and understands
fully well not to kick me. I've tried all kinds of consequences from
pinning her legs under mine to putting her in her own bed for a few
minutes. She'll stop, and then start up again. If I threaten she'll
stop for 2 seconds and then start again. I can't do this anymore. I
really have had it.

I was ready for her to be out of the bed at around 18 mos. We got her
a futon of her own to put next to ours and that was great until dh
started missing her and wanted her back in the family bed. Gave me a
big guilt trip about it, about him missing her during the day and
bonding time. So we took her back. Now she won't sleep in her own
bed except if we place her there after she's alseep, and if she wakes
up at night back she comes to our bed and more kicking until she's
asleep. I feel like we've created a monster.

Dh works very long hours. He only gets about 5 hrs. sleep and when he
does sleep, he's out like a light. So I've felt bad complaning about
not getting sleep when I get way more than him. But with my allergies
and asthma I need extra sleep too. I am feeling beat up, touched out,
and then after she's finally asleep and I'm bruised dh gets hurt that
I am not interested in being intimate if he didn't happen to fall
asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Today I actually called him up and told him, after finally getting
her to sleep in the car, that I'm buying a crib and she can cry it
out. I was speaking in anger but I am desperate and don't know any
good solution. I really feel like buying a crib, setting it up in
our room and then after our night routine putting her into it until
she goes to sleep even if that means she gets mad and screams a bit.
We had to let her CIO while we played dead in bed last year when she
would want to play after it was way past bedtime or if she woke up at
night. We just would pretend we were asleep and she cried and got
mad for about a week, then accepted it.

When I put her in her own bed after kicking me, following through on
a threat, she screams like she's really hurt but then stops
immediately when I invite her back to our bed and even giggles. (She
won't stay in her own bed anyway for long, even if we tell her to.)
She's just being overly dramatic to get her way I think. It's not
like she's an infant feeling abandoned. She knows how to get her way
with us, and since we've always been taught not to let a baby cry to
sleep we feel bad and let her back in bed with us. She's chosen to
make this an issue for us and I feel like she's winning.

Dh said he'd sleep with her and let me sleep in our bed by myself,
but I feel like why should he do that? Why can't I sleep next to my
own husband? Half the time (and we are ttcing although I don't feel
at this particular moment that I can handle another one) he lies down
with her, falls asleep, then she comes into my bed and starts kicking
me. When I try to give her back to him, he's so sleepy that he isn't
any help keeping her away from me. So that really won't work either.

So you guys help me out here. I don't know what do to but we need to
do something.

A sleep-deprived Darshani
 
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#3 ·
sounds like you have a tough nighttime situation! Does she have a set bedtime and naptimes? I know with my DD it helps her out a lot to have a set time, and stick to it.

Of course this is easier said than done. If your DH is up to it, have him sleep in the middle....or take over nighttime duties for a week (I know how hard it must be for him to work long hours, but it won't kill him...and you need your rest if you are wanting to get pregnant)

Maybe he can do a bedtime routine, like bath (or not, my DD is prone to dry skin so we don't do a nightly bath) then books (have her pick 2 or 3 then read them in bed) then water or milk...then maybe he could rub her back until she goes to sleep. If he is rubbing her back she would have to be on her tummy...much harder to kick that way.

Also, my brother and I are both the type of people who have to move their legs to go to sleep. My brother used to rub his up and down the wall when he was younger, and I rub mine together or rock them against the bed. Maybe your DD *needs* to move her legs, could you show her how to do it without injuring her bedmates?

My mom at a young age taught me to bounce my leg back and forth to imitate a rocking motion, worked for years to get me to sleep. Maybe she just needs another way to get out those last few wiggles. Just an idea!
 
#4 ·
Well dh and I talked and decided to put her futon in our large bath area. It's just an extention of our bedroom, fully carpeted and no door between. We put a baby gate up in the entry to the bath area. Then we told Abi that if she kicked she would have to sleep there. She kicked almost immediately so dh placed her in her bed and left. She had a major fit for about 5 min. Even started to scream instead of cry. Then dh said he would lay with her but only if she didn't kick him. But she was no longer welcome in our bed tonight. He layed with her and then she kicked him so he came back to our bed and she cried for another 5 min. She begged me to come to her, said, "No kicking" and "Sorry Mommy." Part of my said that I should have just let her cry and learn from it, but I couldn't. So after that 5 min. I went to her and NO KICKING for the rest of the night!! I am sore from sleeping on that hard futon vs. our new waterbed, but no kicking!

This morning she got restless and kicked so I went back to my bed. She cried for me and I told her I left because she kicked me, and to kick her pillow. I could tell she was trying to stop becuase I reminded her a couple times and she would stop and turn her legs away from me, but then start kicking again. She kicked her pillow for awhile and then got out of bed and said "wake up". So now we are up. I think 2-3 nights of repeat with dh and I taking turns should hopefully solve this problem. Dh and I both agreed though, that we feel she should be moved out of our bed soon, so after we solve this problem we may take turns sleeping in her bed for awhile, then next to her bed, and hopefully soon we will have our bed back to ourselves. I loved family bed but now we both feel it's time for her to move out. I want to have some personal space before we have another baby and start this all over again.

We were going to try pinning her legs down instead but felt that for her the greatest consequence is losing our company. When she was smaller and kept hitting me in the face while I held her, I would set her down and walk away. That cured the problem within a few incidents. I took that example to use now with this problem too.

Rachel, I do think she might be one of those people who needs to move her legs, you are right. I have given her a few alternatives including rubbing the wall, kicking her pillow, etc. but she prefers to kick me. sigh.

Darshani
 
#5 ·
I thought about you guys all night last night, almost got up to post again around 4am
:

Anyway, I wanted to say that it was plenty ok for you to move her out of your bed (which you've decided to do) b/c she needs to learn that she has to respect your body.

I think you are on the right track, stick to your guns...I think that this might work out for you!


Hope tonight is better for you
 
#6 ·
Thanks Rachel! That's nice that you were thinking of me, but what were you doing up at 4 AM?? You poor thing!

I just put her down for her nap. I sat next to her and read my book while she went to sleep. I told her the no kicking policy and the consequences, and she not only didn't kick me even once but went right to sleep!! Probably tired after last night. lol! I'll check back in in a couple days. I'm not going to consider her "cured" of this until we can do this a few days in a row. BTW I told her how to move her legs around in an acceptable way and she did it a little, then settled and went to sleep. So I think we are onto something here.

Darshani
 
#7 ·
I feel for you! I just bought the no cry sleep solution. I think it is useful for both co-sleeping and not. I know several moms with different family sleep situations who rave about this book, which encourages routine and not CIO. I have only flipped thru it so far, but maybe you could get it at the library and see if it gives you any good ideas.
 
#8 ·
I feel for you Darshani.

My dd is the same age and though she doesnt kick, she wakes up several times in the night to nurse and its really hard on all of us. Dh said today he is burned out on the family bed. I have no idea where to go from here. I have a crib that she has never slept in on the side of our bed, but dont think I could let her CIO. We have a day bed with a bed that goes under it then pops up to meet it. I was thinking about putting that on the side of our bed, but there would be a gap that I would most likely be sleeping in, so whats the point. Im still not getting sleep.

looking for more ideas.....
 
#9 ·
Well just wanted to give another report after night #2. No more kicking! She went down at her new 9 PM bedtime and took 2 hours to fall asleep, but she was trying. She was wiggly but turned her body away from dh so she wouldn't be tempted to kick. We are taking turns lying with her for her to sleep. After she finally got to sleep she slept very well until 4 AM when dh woke up for work. Then I got next to her and she slept until 7:30. This was all in our bath area. I tried to move her bed back to our room for her nap and she actually protested! She likes the bathroom! I'm wondering if she just wants her own space and after the IL's leave, wondering if we should move her to her own room.

So for us the 5 min. of crying when she kicked worked great. Not an all out CIO but enough for her to know it was not acceptable.

Darshani
 
#11 ·
Just wanted to give a quick update. She slept through the night in her own bed!! And I slept through the night in my own bed too! She didn't fight it much. After we solved the kicking thing she's been doing great, even asked for her bed at nap time yesterday. I'm going to miss cuddling next to a baby-- but dd isn't that baby anymore. Hasn't been for about a year. It's time.

Darshani
 
#13 ·
Hey, I just have to say it is always comforting to come to MDC and find other mommas dealing with the same issues I am! My 27 mo. old son has been waking, whining, thrashing, throwing his head into mine, kicking, etc. for awhile now and its driving me NUTS!! I was thinking there must be something wrong with him or maybe he's having bad dreams, or something. He is also very strong and trying to hold on to him or control him physically doesn't work very well. The other night my hubby had even had enough of it, and he told him "this is not working out for Mommy and Daddy, and if you are going to act like this, you can't sleep in the big funky bed (what my son calls it!) with us anymore." He quieted down immediately and went to sleep. Hmmmm.....

Hang in there girls!
 
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