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#1 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 01:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm so sick of people asking if Adam sleeps through the night yet...and then GASPING when I admitt he doesn't! And the crap I get because he sleeps with us..."You'll never get him out of your bed!"

"Oh, well, that's none of your business really, and stop asking if you don't like the answer you get!" Is what I want to say!

Can you imagine people asking and commenting on you and your partner's sleep situation?! "What do you wear to bed?" "How often do you have sex?" blah blah blah...
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#2 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 02:09 PM
 
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Yep, I've been there. It's annoying. I don't think people stopped asking that until Owen was about 2. Then, thankfully, they just assumed he was sleeping through the night in his own bed, and stopped asking me.

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#3 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 02:10 PM
 
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You could just say something like, "We're really happy with his sleeping patterns." Or say, "He sleeps just like he should for his age," and keep the whole part about how that is with his parents, etc. to yourself. It would minimize the conflict, though you are totally right: it isn't anyone's business, much less their right to judge you/Adam/your parenting!

FWIW, when I have mainstream friends & acquaintances talking about how their little ones sleep alone in another room and through the night, I gasp to myself on the inside as to how they're doing it wrong. But I don't say anything.
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#4 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 02:12 PM
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No it's not anyone's business really, but I do understand your frustration. My daughter did not start sleeping through the night until I weaned her (at 19&1/2 mos, I wanted desperately to continue but since I am pregnant again the nursing had become very painful). She was also spending some or all of the night in our bed, and even now I get her to sleep by cuddling her in my bed and moving her into her own bed once she is fully asleep. And I am constantly having to defend this. To everyone who does not get the concept of the family bed and to those who believe you should let them cry it out and to my mom who spent years trying to get me to fall asleep on my own ("You're going to regret that later, mark my words").

My response: "It's not for everyone, but it works for us." Keep repeating that as they make their arguments, eventually they'll get that you aren't going to change your mind because they say so.
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#5 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 02:16 PM
 
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i HATE hearing the whole "you will never get her out of your bed!" crap. guess what, we don't WANT to get her out of our bed! *gasp*

the world associates the bedroom with sex, and to have a child in there with you and your husband is just plain weird and inappropriate. because, according to everyone out there, YOU are the adult, and YOUR needs come first, and you HAVE to keep your husband happy above all else. and you have to teach your child to self-soothe NOW, or they will NEVER be able to do anything for themselves!! (i get the same shit about breastfeeding: "if you don't wean them at a year, they'll never stop!" wtf?? do you see any 10-year-olds out there still nursing?) : : :

it makes me soooo sad and sick. i love sleeping with micah, and i love nursing her, and SHE can decide when she wants to quit doing both of those things. yes, that's right, I LOVE SLEEPING WITH MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!! and what's better... SO DOES MY HUSBAND!!!!!!

sorry, i didn't mean for that to be quite so sarcastic. but this really gets me steamed. and i totally agree with your response. it is NONE of anyone's business, whatsoever.
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#6 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 02:20 PM
 
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Yes, it's sad that people don't see motherhood as sacred the way they do marriage (or at least sex). For instance, I've heard of moms not breastfeeding because they find it personally repulsive -- and I've also heard of women being repulsed by sex but "enduring" it 'cause they don't want their men to cheat on them or leave. I hasten to add that I DO see marriage and sex as sacred, not repulsive -- I just think the sacredness also extends to the fruit of the union (the children) and the parent-child relationships.

If a woman has sexual difficulties, people will encourage her to get help and "save" her marriage -- thay won't say, "Oh well, sex is only ONE way to bond with your husband." Yet if she has breastfeeding difficulties -- well, formula is "just as good" and of course Baby won't leave you for ffing.

I know you're talking about co-sleeping, not breastfeeding, but I kind of see it all as one picture. By the way, I feel like I "sleep through the night" even though I periodically wake up to use the restroom and get a drink of water, so my baby does too -- even though she nurses two or three times during the night. It's actually the co-sleeping that makes it possible to "sleep throught the night" while still meeting my children's needs. They're right there with me so I can meet their needs without getting up.

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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#7 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 02:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by stacey2061 View Post
I'm so sick of people asking if Adam sleeps through the night yet...and then GASPING when I admitt he doesn't!
See, there's the problem right there. "Admit he doesn't"? Pah! Since these are clearly not people you'd be going to with sleep concerns, try "He sleeps with us so I wake up well-rested."

Mammal_mama, fabulous analogy!
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#8 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 02:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by stacey2061 View Post
I'm so sick of people asking if Adam sleeps through the night yet...and then GASPING when I admitt he doesn't! And the crap I get because he sleeps with us..."You'll never get him out of your bed!"

"Oh, well, that's none of your business really, and stop asking if you don't like the answer you get!" Is what I want to say!

Can you imagine people asking and commenting on you and your partner's sleep situation?! "What do you wear to bed?" "How often do you have sex?" blah blah blah...
ya what you said!

Betsy, Mommy to DS (10) DD (4) DS (2) and DS (1)
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#9 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 02:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hee hee...thanks, gals!
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#10 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 02:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by moonpie's_mama View Post
i HATE hearing the whole "you will never get her out of your bed!" crap. guess what, we don't WANT to get her out of our bed! *gasp*
ditto
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#11 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 02:42 PM
 
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as far as the 'you'll never get him out of your bed' comment - I have a great (if I may say so myself) comeback for that..."well, if he's still sneaking in our bed after he's married, we'll have to have that looked at"
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#12 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 02:52 PM
 
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When people say "you'll never get her out of your bed" to me, I say "yes, we've already begun looking into local colleges!" It points out how ridiculous the notion is.
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#13 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 03:34 PM
 
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I know I ask people that question (about sleeping through the night and other general baby questions) just to be friendly and sympathize if they need it. Parents usually like to talk about their babies and this sort of opens up the conversation and shows them you are interested. I would never make a judgement about their parenting unless they ask for advice. I can't believe why some people think they have the right to say those things!
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#14 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 03:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Valkyrie9 View Post
You could just say something like, "We're really happy with his sleeping patterns." Or say, "He sleeps just like he should for his age," and keep the whole part about how that is with his parents, etc. to yourself.
Good answers. And yes, it is annoying to answer the same questions all the time, especially when they're no ones business, but I also think people ask just to be friendly. It's more interesting to talk about babies than the weather. But there is no good reason for people to react negatively to whatever your answer was--they brought it up!
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#15 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 04:28 PM
 
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My mom is on our case for extended nursing (I am expecting another one) and asks every time we speak "you are not still nursing your son aren't you".

So here is a great answer IMO for this question and for others of the same type: "You didn't like my answer last time, so why do you ask again?"
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#16 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 04:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by stacey2061 View Post
I'm so sick of people asking if Adam sleeps through the night yet...and then GASPING when I admitt he doesn't! And the crap I get because he sleeps with us..."You'll never get him out of your bed!"

"Oh, well, that's none of your business really, and stop asking if you don't like the answer you get!" Is what I want to say!

Can you imagine people asking and commenting on you and your partner's sleep situation?! "What do you wear to bed?" "How often do you have sex?" blah blah blah...

annoying isn't it? My 2.5 year old still wakes at night and people have actually asked me about sex lol.
Why on earth they think that is their business is beyond me. I ussually just answer with "who says sex has to be done in a bed?" and a wink lol that shuts them up.
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#17 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 04:42 PM
 
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"You didn't like my answer last time, so why do you ask again?"
:

Love it!!!!!
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#18 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 06:51 PM
 
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No, it's none of their business.

I've heard that "why do you ask" can be a really great end to that sort of questioning, b/c they have to figure out why, exactly, they care, and then justify it out loud.

I personally don't normally sleep through the night, never really have except when sick or home from college years ago...so I sometimes mentioned that I don't, so I don't expect him to, either.

I've also been known to say "yes, with breaks for milky-snacks". People either really like that, or get really confused. Either way, the conversation is usually over.

But no matter what, you have to be perky and cheery about it, if you don't want to get into it with a naysayer. Just really talk it up, even if last night you were secretly longing for one of those kids who just fall asleep easily at 7 and wake up 12 hours later (though that would be my own level of hell, being a late-sleeper).

And if people get into your sex life with a family bed, I was coached by former practice members of mine (previous life as a chiropractor) who would get a mischevious look in their eyes, and talk about how boring sex in a bed was....the few times I did a housecall out there, I didn't want to sit on their living room furniture, that's for sure! :
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#19 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 07:17 PM
 
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My son is 3 months old, and I have been shocked by the fact that pretty much without exception, the FIRST question EVERYONE asks is how does he sleep?does he sleep through the night? Is he a good sleeper? I can't believe how obsessed with it people are. As if that is THE most important thing about having a child! Do people care more about their sleep than they do about their children???? I have also been thinking about ways to respond to this, as I am already sick of it.
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#20 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 09:15 PM
 
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In my mind, my DD does sleep through the night, she half wakes up to nurse, and then goes back to sleep, I don't spend hours trying to rock her back to sleep in the middle of the night. When people ask me if she sleeps through the night I always say, "yes, she's a good sleeper." Maybe my definition of sleeping through the night and theirs are different put I don't really feel like I am am lying to them. If, on the other hand they ask me about co-sleeping I go on and on about how great it is and what the new research shows etc until I either have them convinced about co-sleeping or they are so tired of listening to me they never bring it up again.
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#21 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 09:37 PM
 
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as far as the 'you'll never get him out of your bed' comment - I have a great (if I may say so myself) comeback for that..."well, if he's still sneaking in our bed after he's married, we'll have to have that looked at"

i agree, that is perfect!
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#22 of 62 Old 11-15-2006, 09:41 PM
 
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I used to just say "He's a great sleeper!" and leave it at that...
It wasn't a lie...he did sleep great....he just used to wake up to nurse too
It's nobody's business, I agree.
For those who say that you'll never get him out of bed, I would say, "I guess he'll have to take me with him to college!"
And for those who dare to even comment on the quality of the romantic relationship with your partner as a result of the child in the bed...well, I used to relish in embarrassing them a bit by saying, "You know, there are lots of places to have sex other than a bed....the kitchen, the bathroom, the closet, the livingroom...."
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#23 of 62 Old 11-16-2006, 12:28 AM
 
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I can assure you that my 16, 15 & 10 year olds do NOT sleep in my bed with me. They will NOT be in your bed forever!

Although, when they get scared or creeped out they are always welcome to a pallet on our floor.

ETA - my 16yod slept in our room for a week after my cousin committed suicide because she was so freaked out. I was so glad that she was able to be in our room, she really needed the comfort. That foundation was laid when she was a babe in the family bed!
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#24 of 62 Old 11-16-2006, 12:36 AM
 
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My GMIL is big on that...which is funny because she says ALL her kids were in bed with her. It's a big joke in the family (I guess?) that just as soon as she kicked a kid out of bed she got pregnant...so I'm thinking...wait...you and FIL didn't have sex for FOUR YEARS? Wow...(there is approx 4-5 years between each of their 4 children)

I just say "Yup, he sleeps fine." which he is. And if they press on I say "Do YOU sleep through the night?" and they usually say "Ya know? I don't!" *lightbulb moment*

I also do the *wink wink* who said sex has to be limited to the bedroom? PS- If you're squeemish about sex surfaces might want to stay away from....well just about every surface in my home...:

Renae wife to J :, Mama to 4.5y/o J-bird and 2y/o A : and E coming in late Dec/Early Jan. My husband had a living donor kidney transplant! :
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#25 of 62 Old 11-16-2006, 12:36 AM
 
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Agree with you all!

I usually answer with something like "yep, dds sleeping just as she should - waking up every few hours to nurse!" delivered with a big, fat, juicy smile!

I also have to concur - my 13 no longer wished to sleep in our bed - even after I asked him (ok, pleaded) to when dh was out of town for a week and I was a little creeped out....
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#26 of 62 Old 11-16-2006, 01:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by moonpie's_mama View Post
the world associates the bedroom with sex, and to have a child in there with you and your husband is just plain weird and inappropriate.
OMG, I never thought of it from that angle--what a lightbulb moment for me! Thanks for posting that.
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#27 of 62 Old 11-16-2006, 01:39 PM
 
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My GMIL is big on that...which is funny because she says ALL her kids were in bed with her. It's a big joke in the family (I guess?) that just as soon as she kicked a kid out of bed she got pregnant...so I'm thinking...wait...you and FIL didn't have sex for FOUR YEARS? Wow...(there is approx 4-5 years between each of their 4 children)
If she was a nursing momma it might have been the night nursing that kept her from getting pregnant, and not the lack of sex. We never kicked our oldest out of our bed (and have no desire to kick her out) but our daughters are almost five years apart because breastfeeding has such a powerful effect on my fertility.

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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#28 of 62 Old 11-16-2006, 01:40 PM
 
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What i looooooove to do when someone comments on the sex life and they are in MY house is to look longingly at the big cushy chair they are sitting on and then say "we think it is much more fun to have sex in other places" then wink. It is a riot!
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#29 of 62 Old 11-16-2006, 01:42 PM
 
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What i looooooove to do when someone comments on the sex life and they are in MY house is to look longingly at the big cushy chair they are sitting on and then say "we think it is much more fun to have sex in other places" then wink. It is a riot!
I love it!

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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#30 of 62 Old 11-17-2006, 11:59 PM
 
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I relate to your frustration, too.

I'm personally in favor of always telling the truth about co-sleeping, "extended" nursing, and so forth, even though it got me scolded by the pediatrician. The more people hear about it (whatever it is), the more common they will realize it is--and if it's something that works for so many people, maybe it isn't so crazy, right?

To a relative who was hinting around about DS in our bed affecting our marriage/sex life, I said, in a moment of unplanned candor, "Well, we have a lot of other furniture!" (True!)

I saw a onesie somewhere that said "NOT sleeping through the night" on it. I wish I had it for DS. There was also one that said "I'll walk when I'm good and ready" or something similar, whihc would also have been useful--though that's not quite the same hotly contested issue...

Hang in there! We all know why you're doing what you're doing.
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