Sleeping through baby's cries - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 10:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My dd is 11 mo and for the past 2 weeks she has been getting her first 3 teeth and she now has a cold. This has left her waking about every 20 minutes, sometimes staying awake for awhile. I am exhausted. Last night dh had to wake me up twice b/c I was not waking up while dd screamed and screamed. I don't even remeber dh waking me up. I feel awful, like I let her CIO all night long. I can't believe I slept through it and cannot remember anything from last night. This has happened before. I don't know what to do. I am very frustrated during the days now and dd is very needy/crabby (understandable). I

On a side note, dh is making me feel worse. We have been at each other constantly b/c I am so tired and crabby. I don't even feel tired anymore, just mad and frustrated. Dh does not do any nightime parenting and sleeps in the living room so he will not be woken up. This morning he told me that he was tired too, but he still wakes up when dd cries. He does not seem to get it that I nurse Haylie all night and get up to pace around with her. Occasionally waking b/c she is crying and going right back to sleep does not count for me. Most of the times I am up I can hear him snoring. He also sleeps in on weekends and he slept in on the fourth of july and took a nap. Where's my break? He thinks that I am pretty much just whining and doesn't see how I could really be so tired. I guess sahm's don't need sleep.

I feel like some sort of connection has been lost between dd and I. I just don't see how I can sleep through her cries, especially sleeping right next to her. It makes me feel like a horrible mom. I don't know whats going on. I know I am tired, but still I should wake up. I don't know what to do now, dh suggessted putting her in a toddler bed. Does this have to be the end of cosleeping? I don't know if it will make it worse or better.
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#2 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 10:39 AM
 
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How in the heck is that fair? Won't night time parent? :

If I were in your shoes I'd be "I'm not day time wifeying then". Ultimatum time, do for you and your DD and let him get his meals, do his own laundry, his own dishes, let him fend for himself. He's an adult, he should act like one.

Sorry but this type of situation irks me, it ticks me off that people think SAHM or even WAHM are there to "service" them at their convenience. Put your foot down with him mama!

He's the other half of the parenting team, he should act like it. :
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#3 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 10:52 AM
 
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I agree, even if you are bfing, that doesn't mean you dd doesn't need her daddy's comfort sometimes! Even if it is walking with her or letting her chew on his fingers, jeez, there are things he can do!

At my house, we take turns getting up if there is a time when ds gets up and needs to spend some awake before going back to sleep. Another thing that works for us is the swing...it helps to lull ds back to sleep when his teeth are really bad...we give him the anbesol, or if it is really bad the ibuprofen, and let him swing back to dreamland.

Good luck, momma! If he's already awake, he should have some common courtesy of trying to pacify baby before having to wake you!
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#4 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 11:00 AM
 
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What about napping during the day when she goes down for her naps? i'm a single mom of 3 and brought ds #3 home from the hospital a single mom...so i understand about not getting enough of sleep and feeling icky all day long...i would take naps with ds during the day...put him in the bed with me and he would sleep for longer times than by himself. Those naps were life savers. Good Luck with everything.

Mami to fly-by-nursing2.gifds 4 wks, ds 2yo, ds 6yo, dd 11yo, ds 17 yo. novaxnoIRC.gifwaterbirth.jpg
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#5 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 11:27 AM
 
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I have slept through cries too, and it happens when I am purely exhausted and need a break.
You need to talk to DH, if my DH was snoring on the couch while I was up all night with a sick or teething child he would find a shoe thrown at his head (ok, not really, but I sure would make enough noise to wake him up).
What about during the day? You have a weekend coming up, can DH take your DD out for a few hours so that you can get a good nap in? DH does this for me, and he enjoys the daddy and daughter bonding time that it brings. I don't know how often you are nursing, but a few hours should be ok with an eleven month old, hopefully?
Good luck.
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#6 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 11:51 AM
 
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I agree that your husband really, really needs to understand that a mother who is not woken by her child crying is a mother exhausted to the point of needing help -- that it's not you being inadequate, it's him who needs to realize that if he wakes and you don't that makes it his turn to comfort your child. Parenting is exhasting. That one parent goes out for a paycheck does not absolve them from a share in the exhaustion sometimes, or give them the right to expect to only be involved in the child's happy times.

If he won't help, try to see if you can fing a friend or a relative willing to help -- maybe by coming to care for your daughter for a couple of hours during the days sometimes so you can sleep then?
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#7 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 01:04 PM
 
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oh

I dont understand why your husband is waking you when you are obviously exhausted and he is the one getting woken....so why does he not tend to your daughter? that doesnt make any sense to me, it seems more reasonable to answer the baby's cries then wake you if need be?
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#8 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 01:35 PM
 
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I can understand that you're exhausted, and frustrated with DH. Unfortunately, my DH is like that too. However, he finally read Chapter 8 in Dr. Sears' Baby Sleep Book and he seems to be more understanding and helpful during the day. That at least helps me out and I feel like I have more energy during the night for DD. I still wish he would help out more at night.
Are there a lot of dads out there who work outside the home so feel that they are entitled to more sleep? And do they think SAHM don't work? I'm on mat leave right now and it's the hardest job I've ever done and I've worked all my life. It's not that I don't enjoy it, but it's like working and living at the office 24/7.
Even if you DH doesn't make a change, do know at least I hear your frustration and big hug for you, my dear.
Anne
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#9 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 02:26 PM
 
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Hugs, Mama. You are by no means a bad mom just because you're exhausted! I know we always hear how in tune we are with our babies when we co-sleep, BF, etc and it's true.... but we are still human. I have to remind myself of this when I've slept through Julianna's cries. Thankfully it hasn't happened often, but it has happened. And I've never had to deal with constant waking for weeks on end except when she was first born. Sounds like you just need some good zzzzzz's, and you will feel a lot better. And as for your DH, well, his comment about him still waking up was just uncalled for. Do you REALLY think he wakes up every time your DD cries? Puh-lease. No, you do. And you probably try to soothe her as quickly as possible so that you don't disturb him. You're a great momma, and I'm sure you're just as connected and attached as before. She wouldn't be clinging to you during the day if she wasn't feeling the strong attachment. Go back to newborn basics if you can... sleep when she sleeps, and make it a priority.

Mandy
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#10 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 02:39 PM
 
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I wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from. My DH works very long hours at a physically demanding job. I am a SAHM. With both of our youngest, he has NEVER helped out at night (I was a single mama with my oldest). When our 3 yo dd was young, she had horrific colic (took me forever to figure out it was the dairy in my diet) and was up every night from around 8:00 to midnight ish screaming. I slept in the living room with her so that he could get his sleep. With our now 16 mo ds, I learned to kick DH out onto the couch! I too have been so exhausted that I've slept through a cry from my baby. It does make you feel horrible, but I know it only happened once or twice when I was close to the breaking point. My only survival tip is to take try to take naps when kids nap. Luckily for me, I've gotten my 3 yo dd and 16 mo ds to take their nap around the same time. If you have older children (like my 11 yo), I would suggest a 30-45 minute quiet time of reading or working on a workbook or a project. Even 20 minutes can be refreshing.

The one thing that really helped my DH understand how tiring it is to be up every 20 minutes all night long was when I was in the hospital for 6 days when my ds was around 7 months. Not something I would recommend, but it really changed his attitude. He realized all that I did around the house and with the kids, and how exhausting it is not to have a good night's sleep. He actually had to have my mom come in to help because he could not handle everything that needed to be done. Now he encourages me to take naps, and we switch off with sleeping in on the weekends. Good luck with everything and lots of .
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#11 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 03:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok so I am feeling a bit better this afternoon. I am going to try to make a real effort to nap when dd naps. I haven't been b/c- and this may sound nuts- she seems to wake as soon as I fall asleep. I end up getting frustrated as it seems like she is out to get me! I bet if I really make an effort though to get some napping in, it can be done.

As far as dh goes, we will talk. I don't mean to throw him to the wolves or anything, but he is a BABY when it comes to being tired. Great man otherwise, but lacking in this area! It's almost better for all of us if he does get his sleep. This is the man that left me and the baby at the hospital shortly after I gave birth because he was just to tired and needed to rest.: He just doesn't do well with tiredness and it leaves the burden on me. He also likes the boob excuse and frankly I'm not sure how Haylie would react if daddy had her at night. He does need to understand that I am exhausted. Everytime I tell him he just says "well I am too." We will have to try something though b/c after 11 months of constant waking I am going to break. And I certainly cannot keep sleeping through her cries.

Thanks for the hugs!
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#12 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 03:32 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ckmoore View Post
I wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from. My DH works very long hours at a physically demanding job. I am a SAHM. With both of our youngest, he has NEVER helped out at night (I was a single mama with my oldest). When our 3 yo dd was young, she had horrific colic (took me forever to figure out it was the dairy in my diet) and was up every night from around 8:00 to midnight ish screaming. I slept in the living room with her so that he could get his sleep. With our now 16 mo ds, I learned to kick DH out onto the couch! I too have been so exhausted that I've slept through a cry from my baby. It does make you feel horrible, but I know it only happened once or twice when I was close to the breaking point. My only survival tip is to take try to take naps when kids nap. Luckily for me, I've gotten my 3 yo dd and 16 mo ds to take their nap around the same time. If you have older children (like my 11 yo), I would suggest a 30-45 minute quiet time of reading or working on a workbook or a project. Even 20 minutes can be refreshing.

The one thing that really helped my DH understand how tiring it is to be up every 20 minutes all night long was when I was in the hospital for 6 days when my ds was around 7 months. Not something I would recommend, but it really changed his attitude. He realized all that I did around the house and with the kids, and how exhausting it is not to have a good night's sleep. He actually had to have my mom come in to help because he could not handle everything that needed to be done. Now he encourages me to take naps, and we switch off with sleeping in on the weekends. Good luck with everything and lots of .
to you mama--that sounds so hard!
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