I didn't know CIO was SO pervasive - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-05-2007, 05:59 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
Since parents who inflict CIO on their babies, are suppressing their own instincts because of misguided advice that they HAVE to harden their hearts against their precious infants -- it stands to reason that they have to look for the holes in what we're doing.

Otherwise -- if our babes can really turn out okay even if they're nursed on cue and snuggled next to a warm body all night -- CIO parents would have to admit they're hardening their hearts for no real purpose.

In contrast, AP parents shouldn't feel as much need to "look for the holes" in what the CIO parents are doing -- because we're doing what feels right and what makes us and our babies happy.

I really like your "hardening of heart" analogy. That's really spot-on.
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Old 10-05-2007, 06:02 AM
 
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Oh, and I also want to add, as an anecdote, that the woman who practices CIO has the LOUDEST SCREAMING toddler I've ever heard, and I've been around all my friends' toddlers at bedtime. Hers is by far the most hysterical. True that some it could be due to personality, but some of his hysteria could be due to his associating bedtime with fights and abandonment.
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Old 10-05-2007, 10:34 AM
 
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My heart breaks for all these poor little babies being abandoned. :

Taylor, committed to my Soldier. Lovin' my boys. Gabriel ('05) , Xavier ('07) and Mason ('09). Proud HBAC mama x 2.
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Old 10-05-2007, 11:18 AM
 
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I would love to see some of the research on why CIO is bad, because I know it in my heart and would never do it, but I would like to have an arsenal for busybodies or interested moms.

I genuinely believe (and find to be the case) that children who are gentled and parented consensually are much more able to understand and work with a parent who needs to do something (get in the car seat, hold my hand in the street, time to leave) than children who are used to a constant battle of wills and "might makes right" relationship with their parents.
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Old 10-06-2007, 12:24 AM
 
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My mom is totally against the whole AP thing, including cosleeping, but she's learned to keep her mouth shut about it. One time I was visiting her when my DS was only about 4 months old and he started crying on the floor. I started going over to him and he stopped crying as soon as he saw I was getting up. My mom piped up, "See, he's manipulating you. He doesn't really need anything." I kept going, picked my son up, glared at her and said "He stopped because he knows I am going to fix whatever is wrong. He was fussing because that's how he communicates at this age. How else is he supposed to let me know?" A few more instances like this and she stopped with her snide comments.

We've known so many people who think DH and I are nuts for cosleeping. However, we also have those same people compliment us on how well-behaved and well-adjusted our kids are .... while their kids are screaming, pulling on their shirts to get their attention, etc. I know we can't change most of these people, but it does make me feel better that I am at least raising my kids to know better than to CIO.
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Old 10-06-2007, 02:17 AM
 
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Originally Posted by cotopaxi View Post
I know NO ONE in real life who doesn't CIO. . . .

So it's REALLY REALLY hard when I'm exhausted and sleep deprived to continually be asked "is she sleeping through the night yet?" and then when I say "noooo, waking up to feed 2-3 times still," hearing "she's supposed to be over that by this age, right?" No one gets why I would not want to leave her in a room to cry alone inconsolably in the dark. I think the lack of support is as tough as the lack of sleep.

(Bolding by me.) Those folks would be horrified that I'm still up 2-3 times with my 15mo. We've resorted to a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with certain people who "can't handle the truth" about our particular babe and her personal habits. Isn't it odd how people keep asking, though? Maybe their kiddos did sleep through the night at age 5mos, but ours didn't and doesn't and that's that!

Lovin' my four-pack: M, S, a different M, and sleepytime.gif me.

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Old 10-06-2007, 03:41 PM
 
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I was very ignorant about options when I first became a mother - the only thing my own mother told me was that she never let us cry and she always rocked us to sleep. That felt very natural to me, so that is always how I've put ds to bed - rocking and singing lullabys.

Then I heard about - crap, I forget the guy's name - an infant guru-dude who advocates "gentling" babies to sleep by doing just that. I was like, duh! He's probably made millions putting that into a book when I would've given that insight out for free!

When babies can put so much energy into crying, desperate to have their needs met, then parents should be desperate to put at least that much energy into helping them sleep and rest well. IMO American culture is so selfish and me-oriented that it even seems okay to put one's own desires in front of one's children's needs. That's just effing warped.

My dh would be getting served divorce papers if he tried to keep me from consoling my crying child.
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Old 10-06-2007, 05:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mean_jeannie View Post
I heard about - crap, I forget the guy's name - an infant guru-dude who advocates "gentling" babies to sleep by doing just that. I was like, duh! He's probably made millions putting that into a book when I would've given that insight out for free! .
Yeah, Harvey Karp! ha ha.
I'm glad he's popular, though, b/c at LEAST for the first 3 months, it seems like people are finally realizing that you can't spoil a baby, etc., partly due to his "fourth trimester" idea.

They're supposed to be independent at 4 months still, according to most of my acquaintances, but at least I don't hear much of people letting newborns CIO or anything anymore.
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Old 10-06-2007, 06:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ndakkitten View Post
My mom piped up, "See, he's manipulating you. He doesn't really need anything."
I think my response would be, "Uh, no, it means he needed to be held."
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Old 10-06-2007, 06:56 PM
 
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Or, if feeling snotty "Communicating in order to elicit a response is an accepted means of interaction in my culture."
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Old 10-06-2007, 07:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ndakkitten View Post
I started going over to him and he stopped crying as soon as he saw I was getting up. My mom piped up, "See, he's manipulating you. He doesn't really need anything." I kept going, picked my son up, glared at her and said "He stopped because he knows I am going to fix whatever is wrong. He was fussing because that's how he communicates at this age. How else is he supposed to let me know?"
Exactly. Yet another thing I don't like about CIO for bedtime is that people seem to then extend it to waking hours too. Someone on my (mainstream) new mom's group (we all have 4-month-olds) was just saying the other day that she ignores her baby's fussing until he really started crying, if she knows "he doesn't need anything" (which to her means not hungry/wet/etc.) and was wanting to know if we thought she should ignore the outright crying too for a few minutes. So he doesn't get "spoiled."

I was like, what if what he "needs" is that he's bored or lonely? What else is he supposed to do about that if not fuss? At 4 months old, it's not like he can ask mom nicely "Please pick me up" or walk over to the toybox and find something to do!
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