why don't YOU leave your baby to cry? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 117 Old 03-27-2008, 02:17 AM
 
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Pretty much for all the reasons stated above.

I think it's MORALLY wrong. I physically cannot stand to hear a baby cry. I feel physically sick and upset.

I wouldn't let any human..baby or not... cry or be sad alone.

Because I love my daughter with all of my heart and soul.

Because I want to treasure every-single-millisecond with my child because I will never get a single one that has passed, back.

Because something in my gut tells me not to...and I've learned to trust that voice.

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#62 of 117 Old 03-27-2008, 02:21 AM
 
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Before having a baby, I had no idea people did this on purpose. When I was pregnant I was learned about it and thought "to each his own. Let's see what happens with me." After my sweet ds was born, I thought...Never will I let him Cio. Why did I have a baby? To ignore him when its inconvenient for me? No way. Now if someone tells me they let their lo CIO, I lose all respect for them as a parent and I look at their poor baby in sympathy.

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#63 of 117 Old 03-27-2008, 09:27 AM
 
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It just never made sense to me. I don't subscribe to the thought that babies are manipulative, so if she was crying, she must need something. If I can help out with milk or a snuggle, why wouldn't I? What else is there to do that's equally important? Watch Law and Order for the 7000th time? Catch another hour of sleep?

I also had a tiny baby, so I was really eager to feed her whenever she was hungry.
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#64 of 117 Old 03-27-2008, 09:42 AM
 
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Because I don't like to hear babies cry
Because it's the only way he can communicate
Because he has needs
Because why would I???

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#65 of 117 Old 03-27-2008, 09:53 AM
 
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Because the sound is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.

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#66 of 117 Old 03-27-2008, 10:21 AM
 
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I don't have the baby yet but it just doesn't make a lick of sense to me. The baby isn't crying just to irritate me; the baby needs something! When you choose to be a parent, you are choosing to be responsible for those needs. I don't see any other way to look at it.
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#67 of 117 Old 03-27-2008, 11:07 AM
 
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So many wonderful wonderful answers!!!

I don't really have any to add!

Katie : Mom to three under four. Yes, i don't sleep often.
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#68 of 117 Old 03-28-2008, 01:02 PM
 
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Because comforting, feeding, and being there for your baby to the best of your ability is what being a Mommy IS. (And yes, it's legit to call them babies until they're about 2 years old.) It's often wonderful, usually tiring, and sometimes inconvenient, but it's what I signed up for when I had them.

Edited to add: And, I can't NOT go to my baby when he's crying!
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#69 of 117 Old 03-28-2008, 01:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Danielle13 View Post
me too. 2 days ago I ran into my exboyfriend and he told me their letting their 1 month old cry through the night. I actually felt sick all day. It was all I could think about. It literally makes me sick.
This hurts my heart

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#70 of 117 Old 03-28-2008, 08:40 PM
 
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Hi~ I'm somewhat new here, and very new to message boards. Hope I'm doing it right. But I'm facing my stress around message boards becasue of a bigger stress around sleeping. I am a momma of a 5 month old. He is absolutely wonderful; we are completely in love. He's been sleeping in bed with me and my husband since he's been about 12 weeks; before that he's been in the co-sleeper or in bed with us, kind of a hybrid situation. Now that he is becoming more mobile and I'm not getting any sleep, we are entertaining the idea of getting him into his crib, which he occasionally naps in. Here is where the bombardment comes in- that we have to be able to let him cry to learn how to self-soothe, how to sleep on his own, he'll be in bed with us for way too long if we don't do it now... I guess I have two questions: 1. does anyone have any advice on how to transition their beloved into a crib without involving the CIO method, and 2. is there any advice how, if baby stays in bed with us, to change the habit of feeding every hour and a half. I'm tired. (I know there's smiley faces on this thing, but I haven't figured it out yet!)

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#71 of 117 Old 03-29-2008, 01:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Uroboros View Post
Hi~ I'm somewhat new here, and very new to message boards. Hope I'm doing it right. But I'm facing my stress around message boards becasue of a bigger stress around sleeping. I am a momma of a 5 month old. He is absolutely wonderful; we are completely in love. He's been sleeping in bed with me and my husband since he's been about 12 weeks; before that he's been in the co-sleeper or in bed with us, kind of a hybrid situation. Now that he is becoming more mobile and I'm not getting any sleep, we are entertaining the idea of getting him into his crib, which he occasionally naps in. Here is where the bombardment comes in- that we have to be able to let him cry to learn how to self-soothe, how to sleep on his own, he'll be in bed with us for way too long if we don't do it now... I guess I have two questions: 1. does anyone have any advice on how to transition their beloved into a crib without involving the CIO method, and 2. is there any advice how, if baby stays in bed with us, to change the habit of feeding every hour and a half. I'm tired. (I know there's smiley faces on this thing, but I haven't figured it out yet!)
HI! welcome We moved dd's crib into our room with us. We took off one side and 'side cared' it. she is in her own bed but right by me. I think the nursing every 1.5 hours is pretty normal for his age. DD was nursing every 30 minutes up until yesterday . I am tired too Anyways, if you want to move him to his own room you would have to...I'm assuming put him to sleep then lay him down. And get up everytime he wakes at night and re nurse, rock and put him down. There is no guarentee that moving him to another room will make him get up less, so you could actually become more tired. Anyways, the crib method is working great for us right now. What ever you do, don't cio! There is absolutly no reason that won't be able to make this transistion CIO free. I hope I said that right...Im trying to say ther is no reason to CIO over this! ok there

Danielle*

Danielle, wife to John, mama to Valley9.24.07
expecting our miracle babies around 5.12.10- praying that baby B grows healthy and strong!
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#72 of 117 Old 03-29-2008, 01:32 AM
 
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Also... I hate that phrase -- LET baby CIO.

What baby in the world would CHOSE to cry uncontrollably, alone and scared?

Any time I have had a discussion that in any way uses the term "cry it out" I try to avoid "let them" and instead use "force them to CIO" or "leave them to CIO."
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#73 of 117 Old 03-29-2008, 10:17 AM
 
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Thanks for your response. I love the idea of bringing J's crib in to our room. You know, I just took a nap with my babe in our bed, and it's the most loving, gentle way spend sweet time. I feel like if we can make all transitions smooth and terror free (what I think is happening during CIO), then life will be good. I am fearing what is happening to my mood because of sleep disruptions- more specifically what's happening between me and my husband. It's very helpful to read all of these comments. It makes me and Dan feel validated in our commitment to not make harsh transitions for our own needs.

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#74 of 117 Old 03-29-2008, 10:37 AM
 
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Uroboros: You will probably get more responses if you start your own thread or find a thread about this topic, if one exists. Since this thread is about giving reasons to not CIO, someone may not be clicking on it who would have advice for your situation.
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#75 of 117 Old 03-29-2008, 11:38 AM
 
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I don't leave my baby to cry because I love being there for him. I love making him feel secure. I don't let him cry because I think it must be alot easier to breastfeed him when he wakes in the night than to let him scream.

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#76 of 117 Old 03-29-2008, 05:49 PM
 
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b/c your subconscious develops from age 0-3 without the benefit of conscious memory. i really believe that by leaving your baby to cio you are creating negative subconscious memories that can lead to unexplained insecurities and phobias as an adult. as dr. sears says, "you're creating memories" by cuddling and rocking your baby.
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#77 of 117 Old 03-29-2008, 06:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by _betsy_ View Post
Also... I hate that phrase -- LET baby CIO.

What baby in the world would CHOSE to cry uncontrollably, alone and scared?

Any time I have had a discussion that in any way uses the term "cry it out" I try to avoid "let them" and instead use "force them to CIO" or "leave them to CIO."
Good point! The parents who do it likely do to make themselves feel better.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#78 of 117 Old 03-29-2008, 06:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by xtara2003x View Post
Pretty much for all the reasons stated above.

I think it's MORALLY wrong. I physically cannot stand to hear a baby cry. I feel physically sick and upset.

I wouldn't let any human..baby or not... cry or be sad alone.

Because I love my daughter with all of my heart and soul.

Because I want to treasure every-single-millisecond with my child because I will never get a single one that has passed, back.

Because something in my gut tells me not to...and I've learned to trust that voice.
All of the above!

Casey
Mama to DS 2/22/06 and DS 3/27/09 :
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#79 of 117 Old 03-29-2008, 06:53 PM
 
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I don't know all the psychology behind it, but the way I look at it, an infant isn't really capable of intentionally manipulating like an older child might and so their cries indicate that they really NEED something like food, love, etc.

Jenna - student RN and mommy to a cutie pie 3 yr old.
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#80 of 117 Old 03-29-2008, 07:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Danielle13 View Post
Recently I've been bombarded with countless people telling me to let my dd CIO and when I say no they ask why. I don't leave my baby to cry because it just feels wrong to me. but I know there are medical reasons why it shouldn't be done but I don't know them. I'd love to hear why you don't leave your baby to cry so maybe I can have something to say when I'm being attacked other than it feels wrong and its mean
Besides all the reasons listed above, I just don't think CIO works. I have an acquaintance with 3 children - all of them she has let "CIO". When I questioned her further, I learned that she has made all three children CIO and yes they do then sleep through the night ... until, that is, they pass another developmental milestone, are teething, have a cold, etc etc. So then she apparently makes them CIO again - starting from scratch, if you know what I mean. Doesn't sound like it works to me.
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#81 of 117 Old 03-29-2008, 10:51 PM
 
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I'm always amazed when I read about the CIO method. Thank God, no one has ever directly suggested it to me. But I think about it now and realize: I couldn't let my DS CIO NOW at almost 2 years old! I could certainly NEVER let a little newborn baby CIO!!! What are people thinking?! And what has happened to our empathy?! I agree with so many PPs that being there for our children, no matter what the circumstances (or time of day!), is what parenting IS; and if that's too inconvenient for you, don't have kids!

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#82 of 117 Old 03-30-2008, 01:18 AM
 
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This is just a repeat but:
Because I could never let my child believe that when he needed me I wouldn't come.
We were at my grandparents' once, and DS was.... 6 mo, playing on the floor while we ate, and he started to complain, so DH stood up to get him, and they asked, "Don't you ever let him cry it out, even for a minute?" and I said, "No, we believe it gives him a good sense of self to respond to him."
They snorted a little bit, but didn't bring it up again.
This is the same grandmother who told us a few months earlier that by her 5th (and last, thankfully) child, she had just left the baby in a crib in a room on a different floor because she just couldn't handle any more babies needing her, while the (40 year old) baby she was referring to was sitting next to her.
shudder.
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#83 of 117 Old 03-30-2008, 09:31 AM
 
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Alcyone: Thanks for the tip... new to this... need help organizing thoughts in general!

About CIO~ I'm amazed consistently with how many people tell us that that's the way to go. I've opted not to discuss certain things with people, like bedsharing, because I know what they will say. I actually had one person say to me something like, "you have to watch out, not to let your baby learn to manipulate you... it's a Pavlonian thing... train your baby to know that you won't come whenever they cry". I was flabbergasted in the moment, but later sent a link that explains attachment parenting, and said that this is how we are raising our child. End of discussion.

Mother to 15 month old DD stillheart.gif and 3 1/2 year old DS stillheart.giffamilybed2.gifwinner.jpg

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#84 of 117 Old 03-31-2008, 08:59 PM
 
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Tinker your reason was great!

I have a few reasons

1) It feels wrong to me
2) I've read articles that claim that excessive crying can be harmful to infants http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp
3)I've read about attachment parenting extensively and believe in it.
4) In one of my philosophy books there was a theory that children have basically their whole personality shaped in the first 5 years and the more positive experiences they have the more positive of a person they will be overall, and the more negative stressful situations they encounter the less likely they will be able to cope positively with what the world dishes out to them. ( my wording not the books wording! ) It's called "Does the Center Hold" by Palmer. Great read!
5) I've also read The Continuum Concept which shaped my beliefs about what young children need.
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#85 of 117 Old 03-31-2008, 09:51 PM
 
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I say, "Parenting doesn't end just because mama & daddy are tired and think it's time to go to sleep."

If they launch into the "He doesn't really need you; he's just manipulating you" spiel, I say, "Crying *always* means a baby needs something, and comfort/closeness with mama is a very real need for a baby."
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#86 of 117 Old 03-31-2008, 10:35 PM
 
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Once I saw a mama letting her baby CIO sitting in his infant bucket seat in Walmart. I followed her around for a few minutes and when she saw me looking concernedly at the baby she told me that "he was just putting on a show."

I asked her if her infant had taken acting lessons in the womb and told her that he needed to be held. She scoffed at me and rolled her eyes, but sure enough, when we were paying I saw her walk out of the store with the baby in her arms.
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#87 of 117 Old 04-01-2008, 10:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Septagram View Post
Once I saw a mama letting her baby CIO sitting in his infant bucket seat in Walmart. I followed her around for a few minutes and when she saw me looking concernedly at the baby she told me that "he was just putting on a show."

I asked her if her infant had taken acting lessons in the womb and told her that he needed to be held. She scoffed at me and rolled her eyes, but sure enough, when we were paying I saw her walk out of the store with the baby in her arms.

that poor baby. I'm glad you said something.

Danielle, wife to John, mama to Valley9.24.07
expecting our miracle babies around 5.12.10- praying that baby B grows healthy and strong!
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#88 of 117 Old 04-02-2008, 12:54 AM
 
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I am sending DF an email link to this thread. I absolutely cannot believe that we are arguing about this, but we are. So I am leaving Dr. Sears' Baby Book in his man bag with a page marker at the appropriate non-CIO chapter and emailing him a link. Hopefully, that will end the discussion.

I want my little man to feel safe and loved at all times. Crying himself to sleep just doesn't seem to jive with that in my book.

I need to trust my mommy instinct more. Last week, I doubted myself and let Rex-Goliath play in the bathroom (with the door open and us in the next room) while his sister was in the bath. Two minutes later, he flipped over reaching for a toy and wound up in the bath with her. Everything turned out fine, but I shudder to think what could have happened. Protective mommy instincts are there for a reason, and I need to make sure that I don't ignore them because I worry about the perceptions of others. My protective mommy instinct tells me to go to my child when he wakes up crying. So I will.

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#89 of 117 Old 04-02-2008, 03:26 AM
 
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all you mommas are awesome.

Every one who is a parent has been telling us to CIO our baby. She is very sticky to me and strong-willed too. So taking care of her has been really tiring on both of us especially at night time. It takes us a couple of hours to put her to sleep and she only wants to sleep with us and wake up 2-3 times a night still at 4.5 months old.

My husband had been convinced a couple of times in the past that it was necessary to CIO because would you rather to discipline your baby or instead being disciplined by the baby? (actual words from his boss). I was horrified and flatly refused to do so. I just know my baby is too small to be manipulative or being spoilt. She just want to cuddle with us. We argued many times about this, luckily now that she has grown so fun to play with, my husband has been totally smitten with her that he is actually enjoying getting her to sleep every night, even thou it takes him hours to do so.

Looking back on the last 4 months, we barely remember how tough our nights have been and now, everything has becoming a part of our lives and actually not that bad.
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#90 of 117 Old 04-02-2008, 03:36 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Tinker View Post
This is the point I like to make, I don't know whether people shut up because it makes sense or because they figure I can't be reasoned with.

"If at any other time of the day I ignored my child's needs and left her to scream unattended for hours on end, it would be grounds for CPS to take her. (And rightly so!) So how is it OK to say well it's dark now, you're on your own kid, and that's perfectly acceptable?"
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Originally Posted by Cujobunny View Post
Because the thought of it makes me want to barf. Argue with that, people.
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Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
If the person asking hasn't specifically told you that they did CIO with their own children, smile sweetly and ask "isn't that child abuse?"
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Originally Posted by KylieLove06 View Post
Because it breaks my heart....
:

especially the heartbreak.
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