why don't YOU leave your baby to cry? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 117 Old 04-02-2008, 11:50 AM
 
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First - I react to it. That means my body is made to respond to a baby crying with love and care.

Ignoring my instincts because people think that all things "feminine" are bad and disdainful is stupid in my opinion.

I think that millions of years of mammal evolution, or a creator would not be so lax as to create such an intense need and bond because it was supposed to be IGNORED due to peer pressure.

Because it creates problems with development and harms the brain of an infant.

Excessive cortisol levels are harmful to even an adult brain. Babies have no other means of communication, particularly to someone in another room.

http://doi.wiley.com/10.1002/1097-03...8%3E3.0.CO;2-9
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#92 of 117 Old 04-02-2008, 12:40 PM
 
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all you mommas are awesome.

Every one who is a parent has been telling us to CIO our baby. She is very sticky to me and strong-willed too. So taking care of her has been really tiring on both of us especially at night time. It takes us a couple of hours to put her to sleep and she only wants to sleep with us and wake up 2-3 times a night still at 4.5 months old.

My husband had been convinced a couple of times in the past that it was necessary to CIO because would you rather to discipline your baby or instead being disciplined by the baby? (actual words from his boss). I was horrified and flatly refused to do so. I just know my baby is too small to be manipulative or being spoilt. She just want to cuddle with us. We argued many times about this, luckily now that she has grown so fun to play with, my husband has been totally smitten with her that he is actually enjoying getting her to sleep every night, even thou it takes him hours to do so.

Looking back on the last 4 months, we barely remember how tough our nights have been and now, everything has becoming a part of our lives and actually not that bad.
Mama, at her age, that is perfectly normal behavior. Heck, my 2yo sometimes wakes up a few times a night. Babies are a lot of hard work. Sleep deprivation is part of the deal. It's a ridiculous idea that the baby is disciplining you. She's simply telling you that she has needs that must be met. Stick to your guns and keep up the good work.

Just remember, she spent 9 months in your womb, cuddled and rocked and held every moment. If you held her 23 hours a day, that would be a reduction. She is helpless. She is completely dependent on you. She just wants to be loved by you.
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#93 of 117 Old 04-02-2008, 02:02 PM
 
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There's also a number of great responses that work with any "if you don't X, they'll never Y"

To the tune of the appropriate G&S song: "What ne-ver?"
Or simply "NEVER?!??!? ..... So, anyway, about that local sport's team...."
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#94 of 117 Old 04-02-2008, 11:25 PM
 
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Just thought I'd chime in.

My response to CIO is usually, "Well, if I'm upset, and cry, I don't want to be ignored. I'd like a little hug, kiss and cuddle, and for someone to tell me it's going to be alright. I give the same respect to my child".

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#95 of 117 Old 04-03-2008, 03:59 AM
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My answer is pretty much that I want my children to know that if they need me for anything, I am always going to be there for them. I build this trust by answering their cries.

The other thing I often tell people is that we are the only species that seems to think it is acceptable to send our young to sleep by themselves, away from the safety, warmth, nourishment and comfort of the parents. Dogs and cats and rabbits keep their young near to them until they are old enough to care for themselves. Why on earth would anyone think it was acceptable, kind, loving or ok to leave little babies to cry and cry and not have their cries answered.

Man, it just bewilders me. I can't even stand the thought of it. It literally makes my heart start pounding with anxiety when I consider leaving my baby--who is now 10 mo--to cio.
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#96 of 117 Old 04-03-2008, 04:07 AM
 
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I'm sure this has already been said but I'll say it again.

1. Its mean and cruel.

2. If I cry I want someone to come help me. Why would I NOT want to give that same thought to my child?

3. If I ignored my child any other time I'd get CPS called on me.

4. I LOVE my girls!

5. When God gave me my girls He gave them to me with the thought that I would care for them not ignore them.

6. I want my girls to trust that I will ALWAYS be there for them no matter what time the clock says.

7. ITS MEAN AND CRUEL!
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#97 of 117 Old 04-03-2008, 09:04 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
There's also a number of great responses that work with any "if you don't X, they'll never Y"

To the tune of the appropriate G&S song: "What ne-ver?"
Or simply "NEVER?!??!? ..... So, anyway, about that local sport's team...."
Augh! I hate those "never" statements. I would just like to point out that I was left to cry it out apparently and slept through the night, and self-soothed to sleep etc. And yet when I was old enough to get out of my bed, I slept on the floor next to my parents bed practically every night, and if they locked the door...I slept in the HALLWAY! This sleep training crap doesn't work. The only reason people think it works is because their babies are helpless to do anything about it.

sorry for the rant, whenever I hear people talking about letting their babies cry, it breaks my heart and makes me angry

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#98 of 117 Old 05-26-2008, 05:27 PM
 
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#99 of 117 Old 05-27-2008, 09:54 AM
 
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One of my biggest fears is being buried alive - when I picture how helpless and terrified I would feal, that is how I think a baby forced to cio feels. I could NEVER allow my baby to feel that way.

Every time my baby cries, it is an opportunity for me to show him how much I love him and that he can depend on me. If I let him CIO, he doesn't get a chance to learn that...that could be disastorous when he's older. He needs to know he can always count on me.
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#100 of 117 Old 05-27-2008, 10:14 AM
 
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Very simply, it goes directly against my mothering instincts.

Kristina in Kitsap County, WA
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#101 of 117 Old 05-27-2008, 10:30 AM
 
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Why? Because I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.
And I live treating others as I would want to be treated.
That is what I teach my children.

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#102 of 117 Old 05-27-2008, 02:55 PM
 
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I think that it is wrong to leave my child crying or to ignore his cries. He is telling me he needs something and I am his mother and it is my job to meet his needs. I feel that by ignoring the cries would/could cause psychological damage over time by creating an environment where he doesn't trust that his needs would be met.

I think about babies that are left to cry and I wonder what they are thinking as they are crying....thinking why isn't my mom/dad coming to help me, I know they are there... or are they wondering where their parents are. I couldn't let my child think those thoughts. I want my child to know that I am always there, always will meet his needs.

I think that because of the parenting style my DH and I choose our DS actually cries less because he knows we are here. DS doesn't cry at bedtime because we co-sleep. When he wakes up at night he may squirm around or make a little sound just enough to let me know he's up and ready to nurse, then goes back to sleep peacefully with the breast. I think that some parents may out of despair let their kids CIO, but even when I am tired after DS is waking up hourly, I know that it will pass, I know that he is probably cutting a tooth or not feeling well and we will sleep.

I just know that I can not and will never let my child CIO. I don't even think that I could do it physically. Hearing my son cry is the worst sound I have ever heard.....and biologically it is supposed to be that they.

Sorry I think I went off an a tangent.
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#103 of 117 Old 05-28-2008, 03:30 PM
 
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I think my opinions are wioth the others-- I cannot let my daughter cry for any longer than necessary. I think that by not responding, it doesnt' build the bond/trust needed. I couldn't even stand to hear babies cry, even before I had my own. I also agree that it's akin to child abuse, if not actually is. One morning, when we were both a bit sleep deprived and grumpy, my husband and I had this discussion. I don't remember what was said, but I do remember ending it with,something like, "Okay. We leave her to cry and she settles down and we think she's okay. We come in the next morning to find a very dirty diaper and that she slept in a puddle of puke."

My mother doesn't like that I want to hold my daughter the second she starts crying. (She's also half joked that it's time to give my daughter back to me when she starts fussing.) On Saturday, my husband received his Master's of Divinity degree. Before the service started, I was sitting with my parents and older sister. My sister was holding my daughter and she started crying. (My daughter, not my sister.) I asked my sister pass her to me and my mother said she was fine. I HATE when my husband or mother or somebody says that my daughter is fine when she is crying. If she's fine, why is she crying? (I've asked that and have not recieved an answer.) Well, the moment my daughter was back with me, she quieted down. Go figure. On Sunday, we were at my sister's house and my mom was holding my daughter. My daughter was fine, but I reached out and touched her, just to let her know I was there. Annoyed, my mother said, "She's fine," and pushed my hand away. Irritated with my mother telling me how to raise my daughter and not give advice (well, it seems that way at times), I replied, annoyed, "I know she is, but I wanted to let her know," or something like that. Then I got mama bear on my mother and said,"Don't push me away from my daughter." I think she just said okay, or fine or something like that. Ugh.

In the past couple of months, Parents and American Baby both had personal account stories from parents who used CIO and were "successful". Both magazines had blurbs on the front of the covers implying that the articles were actually on tips to get the baby to sleep. UGH. I was disgusted both times.

For now, at eight months, my daughter is learning to sleep without nursing, to a degree. This morning, after nursing for two and a half hours, she finally fell asleep with my husband walking with her. She will also fall asleep in the car and in her stroller. It's a start, especially at only eight months.
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#104 of 117 Old 05-28-2008, 03:42 PM
 
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It breaks my heart to think of being able to comfort my child, but choosing not to.
I don't understand why locking a child alone in a dark closet for punishment is child abuse. But leaving a child in a crib they can't escape, in a dark room, when they've done nothing wrong, is "good parenting". To me, they are the same thing.

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#105 of 117 Old 05-28-2008, 03:45 PM
 
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I have not read all the responses by my personal decision is because I am her mother and my job is to protect, shield, love, honor, and comfort my child. Babies cry for a reason and I would not be doing my job as a parent if I let her CIO. My mom made me sleep in my sister's crib when my sister was born because my sister was very sick a lot and she slept with my mom. I cried because I could not climb from the crib to go potty at night and my mom would yell at me to shut up so I was forced to pee my pants (I was four and afraid of falling from the crib on to the hardwood floor) and then I would get spanked for peeing my pants. I also feel a child needs to feel loved and by letting them cry they feel abandoned and I don't want that. My girls have never CIO and never will. I would rather go sleepless than have a child upset and cranky the next morning because they CIO the night before.
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#106 of 117 Old 05-28-2008, 05:32 PM
 
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It breaks my heart to think of being able to comfort my child, but choosing not to.
I don't understand why locking a child alone in a dark closet for punishment is child abuse. But leaving a child in a crib they can't escape, in a dark room, when they've done nothing wrong, is "good parenting". To me, they are the same thing.
Thank you! That is a great description/explanation of why CIO is abuse. Of course, someone could say, oh I leave a light on, as if a light is comforting when you're screaming your heart out. . . but I digress.

Sooo, to answer the OP's question, I'm her mother. I had a baby knowing I was supposed to take care of her. Parenting is not a job where you get time off. You are a parent all the time. Yes, you can and should take time to breathe, but when you've got someone who will meet your child's needs immediately.

Mama to 2 year old and :: June 14th!
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#107 of 117 Old 05-28-2008, 09:27 PM
 
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because it's my job to make sure i do everything i can to make sure my baby is content and happy.

solo-student-mama to 3 crazy kiddos
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#108 of 117 Old 05-28-2008, 09:45 PM
 
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one of my good friends and I go back and forth about this. She says with PRIDE, how she got her son to sleep all night by locking his door (when he was in a toddler bed at 14 months and learned to open the door and come to find her) then turned the AC on in her room to drown out the cries, ack.

I'm with you ladies, it feels wrong in every fiber of my being to let her cry, on the occasions when we've tried it, over being worn out, its doesn't work, she just got so upset, and was almost frantic by the time I got her (we never made it very long) but the go in comfort them, leave, come back but don't pick em up etc routine, just not for us. I agree with a PP, why would it be abuse in any other occasion to just let your child scream for the sake of convenience, but at night, its ok?!?! I'm a mom now, its not all about me anymore. I work and need my sleep as much as the next person, but that's why we co sleep!

And now, 17 months later, I couldn't imagine her not being in there with us. It doesn't hurt our sex life, but it does let me know she's safe and that she FEELS safe!

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#109 of 117 Old 05-28-2008, 09:54 PM
 
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I actually remember being 6 months old and being put in a room down the hall to "learn to sleep through the night." It took me 3 nights of crying, and it convinced me that people aren't there for me, I must be a bother, I'm not safe, etc... I've done lots of "personal work" over the years to regain my trust and connection w/people, but that experience was formative. Thus, I wd never let my babe cio.
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#110 of 117 Old 05-28-2008, 09:54 PM
 
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That's a hard question to actually answer when posed to you...because someone who feels the need to ask me "Why don't you let your child CIO?" isn't going to respond very well when I say "Because I love him."
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#111 of 117 Old 05-28-2008, 10:07 PM
 
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This doesn't help YOU per say, but the reason I don't leave my baby to cry is because that's what my mom did to me -- even as a young child. Those are NOT memories I want my daughter to have. Period.

BFARing mama to Haley (3/07) and Abigail (11/10/09)
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#112 of 117 Old 05-28-2008, 11:10 PM
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I don't think this has been mentioned yet, but a big part of the reason my DD has never CIO is because I had two miscarriages before she was born, and she was and will remain my miracle baby forever. I'm not sure if it would have been different had she been baby #1, but considering that she is baby #3 and the first one I got to snuggle and kiss and hold, I'm not about to let her cry somewhere alone.

And because it's just wrong.

DD 04/07 DS 12/09
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#113 of 117 Old 05-29-2008, 12:48 PM
 
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I'm a Christian, and I'm often having to defend my not-CIO stance as not being "anti-biblical;" (don't get me started). So I've started saying that God doesn't leave us to cry alone. It's the only answer I have ever given that stops the conversation and (seems) to make people think.
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#114 of 117 Old 05-29-2008, 01:32 PM
 
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My mom made me sleep in my sister's crib when my sister was born because my sister was very sick a lot and she slept with my mom. I cried because I could not climb from the crib to go potty at night and my mom would yell at me to shut up so I was forced to pee my pants (I was four and afraid of falling from the crib on to the hardwood floor) and then I would get spanked for peeing my pants.
Oh my gosh...your story made me cry. I'm so sorry you had that experience.

I agree with all the responses thus far...at least the ones I read through. I just CANNOT FATHOM leaving DS to cry by himself!!!! I've had some tough times trying to get DS to sleep for the night -- long, drawn-out fussing until finally he gives in to sleep. I hate to admit this here, but it's really annoying when I have to keep going upstairs to comfort ds back to sleep (sometimes every 30-45 min) after we've put him down for the night, because I want that 'me' time. But I would NEVER, EVER, EVER (EVER, EVER) resort to just leaving him to cio.

I agree that it is akin to child abuse. Why, oh why, do these people who don't want to comfort their children have them in the first place? Seriously. : I wonder that often. To me, getting to comfort my ds is one of the many perks of being his mommy.

Marilyn, wife to DH 09/02 and mama to my boys, DS1 11/06 and DS2 02/09, and a new one on the way in 06/12!

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#115 of 117 Old 05-29-2008, 09:05 PM
 
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I haven't got the time to read the whole thread, so someone may have mentioned this. I just read in a Sear's book him ask what is crying it out anyway? Let's break it down.

It - what is the "it" they are crying out?

out - where does it go, what is "out"?

I thought that was a good breakdown of it. Most don't even know what they're saying when they say CIO, they haven't even thought about it usually, just repeat it like bumbling fools.

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#116 of 117 Old 05-30-2008, 02:10 AM
 
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Because the sound of his cry moves me to go to him and fix whatever is hurting him And because he doesn't cry...nestled in next to me in our bed, suckling away to his little heart's content.

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#117 of 117 Old 05-30-2008, 06:07 AM
 
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I dont have a medical reason and I havent read the posts...but wanted to share.
I dont let my baby CIO because I made him. I prayed for him...nurtured him in my womb...birthed him...and love every inch of him...rejecting him at night would be like rejecting my own soul.
Another reason is because I am gone from him 12-hrs a day five days a week Today I start a 24-hr call I hate cuddling with a plastic pump! Sharing sleep at night gives me another 8 hours to reconnect physically with my little man.

Married to my best friend since 08/05
Joyful mother to DS born 11/07 and DD born 04/10 (an unexpected HB)
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