why don't YOU leave your baby to cry? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 07:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Recently I've been bombarded with countless people telling me to let my dd CIO and when I say no they ask why. I don't leave my baby to cry because it just feels wrong to me. but I know there are medical reasons why it shouldn't be done but I don't know them. I'd love to hear why you don't leave your baby to cry so maybe I can have something to say when I'm being attacked other than it feels wrong and its mean

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#2 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 07:49 PM
 
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In no particular order:

why on earth WOULD I?
because it's my job to take care of her
biology makes it highly uncomfortable
I don't believe in child abuse/neglect
because it's an awful thing to do
when I decided to reproduce, taking care of a baby was part of the deal
it's not an acceptable choice.

-Angela
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#3 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 08:04 PM
 
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How about that babies cry to communicate their needs and not meeting their needs is called neglect. It is as simple as that. Just because the cries don't sound like "I'm hungry", I'm tired", or "I need to be held" doesn't mean that the baby isn't trying to communicate them. A person with their needs met (baby or adult) is a happy person.

Yes they can say that the baby stops crying eventually when CIO, but that is because their spirit has been broken and they have given up hope that someone is coming to help them, or they just got too plain tired to cry anymore. HOW AWFUL!

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#4 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 08:07 PM
 
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Because it's mean.

Because I believe we're called to parent as God parents us, and Scripture assures us time and time again that the Lord answers when we call to Him. I would do no less for my helpless baby.

Those are my two main reasons.

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#5 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 08:09 PM
 
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I try to treat dd like I would want to be treated. If I was crying and DH just left me there to cry without trying to console me, I would feel all that much worse and would probably lose a lot of trust/faith in him and our relationship so I figure doing that to her she would feel the same towards us.
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#6 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 08:11 PM
 
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"Because my doctor told me that's a bad idea"
(so what if the doctor in question is Dr. Sears and you've never actually talked to him... IMO, if you've read his books, you can still claim him )

That ended the conversation with my step-mother, right quick!

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#7 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 08:19 PM
 
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Because it feels wrong to me to leave my child screaming and ignoring their basic needs for love comfort food or to be changed just because the clock and society say they should be asleep.
But if you're looking for some "medical" or scientific reasons, which I have found helpful in dealing with some people, there are some in the sticky, including how pro longed cio can alter brain development http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=624394
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#8 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 08:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
Because it's mean.

Because I believe we're called to parent as God parents us, and Scripture assures us time and time again that the Lord answers when we call to Him. I would do no less for my helpless baby.

Those are my two main reasons.

I love this answer! Altho, I have a toddler, now, and not a baby, and apparently that makes a difference.
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#9 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 08:31 PM
 
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Because I believe we're called to parent as God parents us, and Scripture assures us time and time again that the Lord answers when we call to Him. I would do no less for my helpless baby.
This is such a spectacular answer.
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#10 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 08:44 PM
 
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i think the reason cio 'works' for a lot of families is that the babies get the message loud and clear- don't bother crying cause we're not coming even if you do.
that's not a lesson i want to teach. i want to make sure my toddler knows all the way down to his bones that i will always be there when he needs me.

plus, bedtime is a happy time at our house. it's quite common for bedtime to be a struggle for kids when they're older and i'd bet that's because it has negative feeling associated with it. i want my little guy to feel safe and happy when it's time to go to sleep.
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#11 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 09:04 PM
 
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This is the point I like to make, I don't know whether people shut up because it makes sense or because they figure I can't be reasoned with.

"If at any other time of the day I ignored my child's needs and left her to scream unattended for hours on end, it would be grounds for CPS to take her. (And rightly so!) So how is it OK to say well it's dark now, you're on your own kid, and that's perfectly acceptable?"

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#12 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 09:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This is the point I like to make, I don't know whether people shut up because it makes sense or because they figure I can't be reasoned with.

"If at any other time of the day I ignored my child's needs and left her to scream unattended for hours on end, it would be grounds for CPS to take her. (And rightly so!) So how is it OK to say well it's dark now, you're on your own kid, and that's perfectly acceptable?"
very well said!!

Danielle, wife to John, mama to Valley9.24.07
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#13 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 09:18 PM
 
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Because the thought of it makes me want to barf. Argue with that, people.

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#14 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 09:45 PM
 
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If the person asking hasn't specifically told you that they did CIO with their own children, smile sweetly and ask "isn't that child abuse?"
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#15 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 09:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If the person asking hasn't specifically told you that they did CIO with their own children, smile sweetly and ask "isn't that child abuse?"
DANG IT! I wish I had asked this question sooner! blah that is SUCH a good thing to say!! I missed so many opportunities!

Danielle, wife to John, mama to Valley9.24.07
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#16 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 09:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Because the thought of it makes me want to barf. Argue with that, people.
me too. 2 days ago I ran into my exboyfriend and he told me their letting their 1 month old cry through the night. I actually felt sick all day. It was all I could think about. It literally makes me sick.

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#17 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 10:08 PM
 
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me too. 2 days ago I ran into my exboyfriend and he told me their letting their 1 month old cry through the night. I actually felt sick all day. It was all I could think about. It literally makes me sick.

Ugh, now I can't get that thought out of my mind...

I can't even imagine what that poor baby is thinking.

Mama to Emma (7) and Sarah (5)

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#18 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 10:11 PM
 
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Because it breaks my heart....

Blessed with two BEAUTIFUL little girls: Kylie (09/06) and Maggie (4/09) :
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#19 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 10:20 PM
 
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Because the thought of it makes me want to barf. Argue with that, people.
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#20 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 10:24 PM
 
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Because I believe we're called to parent as God parents us, and Scripture assures us time and time again that the Lord answers when we call to Him. I would do no less for my helpless baby.
Well said! Thanks for putting it so concisely. That should take care of most people who would encourage me to CIO.

Kristy, wife to Josh proud mama to Katie: since 3/08 and Emma since 8/12.

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#21 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 10:29 PM
 
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Research has shown that babies that are left to cry are likely to stop "asking" for things because they learn that nobody will come. So if your child is sick, scared and really needs you, wouldn't you feel awful to just leave him alone? What if something is wrong with him? Could you live with that? Knowing that you ignored him for good?


If your mother was old, lying in a bed at night and started crying and asking for you to come and you simply ignored her, EVERYBODY would say that you are neglecting her, that you are abusing her, they will call the authorities, etc.

Isn't the same thing or much worse with a tiny baby that doesn't know how to talk or express their feelings in a different way? Wasn't taking care of a baby what we signed up for?

It makes me sick to hear these people leaving their babies to cry, especially SOOOO YOUNG! (1 month!! the baby is a 4 weeks old fetus!)


Gigi
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#22 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 10:36 PM
 
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I'd ask some one who asked me that:

Person, "why not let them cio?"

Me, "Would you like it if you couldn't talk, or maybe speak the same language of the househould you lived in, and some one left you alone in a dark room and ignored you while you tried to communicate your need for food/companionship/reassurance and these people ignored you? If not, then why should I do it to my precious sweet baby who is so innocent and new to the world?"
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#23 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 10:38 PM
 
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Why don't I leave my kid to cry at night?

Well. Leaving aside my immense affection for my son, my goal in nighttime parenting is for my entire family to get the rest they need. Me included. I do not sleep while my son screams in his crib, nor does anyone else in my house. If we get up and take care of the baby's needs, we can all go back to sleep much more quickly.

If we don't want the bother of getting up, we can co-sleep.
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#24 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 10:42 PM
 
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because it would break his heart. And that would break mine. I like our hearts full and whole
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#25 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 10:44 PM
 
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In my past job I saw babies who were failure to thrive because they had quickly learned their cries were futile. I saw babies who were underweight because no one gave them their formula when they cried and then they became too weak to cry at all. I looked into their eyes and saw the dullness of spirit similarly brought by war, assault, and other traumas.

In my current "job" as Momma, I feed my baby with the milk God gave me. I hold him and whisper loving words in his ear... "Don't cry, baby, Momma is here." I kiss him softly as we cuddle together. I breathe in his sweet baby smell. I imagine the day when his tiny hands will be bigger than my own. I look into his eyes and see the color of my own stare back at me with a bright twinkle of love.

Why WOULD I let my baby CIO?
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#26 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 10:51 PM
 
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Because it's weird. Why would you leave a baby cry? It's not like they can help themselves.

DS (6.06), DD (10.08), DD (05.11).

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#27 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 10:55 PM
 
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I will tell you why I tried it ONCE and will never again. One doctor at our ped group recommended it, as did sooooo many others when he was 4 months old. We didn't do it and I was firmly against it. But, our son was cosleeping so terribly (in our eyes that is), we tried having him sleep in the crib and would bring him into our bed when he awoke. One TERRIBLY exhausting night, we were desperate. I let him cry for an hour (he was 10 months old). I couldn't take it, my heart was breaking and it was definitely NOT WORKING. When I went in and got him he was so upset and I felt he didn't trust me any more. He melted into my arms when I picked him up but I could see in his tear-streaked, red face that I let him down. He slept all night with one eye open to make sure I wouldn't leave him again. He slept worse that night than any other night. I can never do that again.
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#28 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 11:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I will tell you why I tried it ONCE and will never again. One doctor at our ped group recommended it, as did sooooo many others when he was 4 months old. We didn't do it and I was firmly against it. But, our son was cosleeping so terribly (in our eyes that is), we tried having him sleep in the crib and would bring him into our bed when he awoke. One TERRIBLY exhausting night, we were desperate. I let him cry for an hour (he was 10 months old). I couldn't take it, my heart was breaking and it was definitely NOT WORKING. When I went in and got him he was so upset and I felt he didn't trust me any more. He melted into my arms when I picked him up but I could see in his tear-streaked, red face that I let him down. He slept all night with one eye open to make sure I wouldn't leave him again. He slept worse that night than any other night. I can never do that again.
That story made me cry Thank you for sharing it

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#29 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 11:07 PM
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Because it's mean.

Because I believe we're called to parent as God parents us, and Scripture assures us time and time again that the Lord answers when we call to Him. I would do no less for my helpless baby.
Exactly!, and it would break my heart and my baby's heart, he trusts us and that bond is so important!

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#30 of 117 Old 03-25-2008, 11:21 PM
 
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the golden rule. do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
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