"The family bed destroys married life" - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 159 Old 05-17-2008, 12:23 AM
 
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Co sleeping has ruined our sex life less than the fact that DS wakes up earlier than DH and I want to...we used to like morning lie ins. I think sometimes there is this fantasy that somehow children will also remain on a more convenient time schedule if they are also sleeping in another space from you. I can't see that would be true really but I think those who don't co-sleep might be more likely to think its true. The truth is though that DS wakes up even earlier if he is in his own room for some reason. I still sometimes miss having our huge bed to ourselves though. There will be both some sad and some happy when he does graduate to sleeping in his own space.
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#62 of 159 Old 05-17-2008, 08:49 AM
 
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i think there is this huge "status" thing that happens with people who are first time parents... "this baby is going to have to fit into our family! i'm not changing anything for this baby."

it's a delusional idea, but one that clearly has lots of support in popular culture.

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#63 of 159 Old 05-17-2008, 09:16 AM
 
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Originally Posted by barefootpoetry View Post
just the kind of people who go, "OMG. There are children in the bed. We cannot have sex. O noez." must be pretty boring.
I have just the opposite perspective. Anything we do with my (7 yo) dd sleeping in the room needs to be 1. quiet, 2. under covers, and 3. in the dark. That is boring to me.

But give us a child-free room, and :
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#64 of 159 Old 05-17-2008, 09:50 AM
 
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But does the child free room have to be the bedroom? I guess that's where I'm getting hung up... quiet, relaxed, middle of the night snuggle nookie is plenty for this sleep deprived mama and isn't a problem with toddlers in the bed. Wild swinging from the rafters monkey love is fun when I've got the energy and that doesn't require the bedroom (regardless of who is in the bed)...

But for me, it's mostly the sleep deprivation that affects what I want (or can ) do, not where people are sleeping. And since the family bed means I'm getting more sleep it also means I have more energy for intimacy.

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#65 of 159 Old 05-17-2008, 11:09 AM
 
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Originally Posted by wombatclay View Post
But does the child free room have to be the bedroom? I guess that's where I'm getting hung up... quiet, relaxed, middle of the night snuggle nookie is plenty for this sleep deprived mama and isn't a problem with toddlers in the bed. Wild swinging from the rafters monkey love is fun when I've got the energy and that doesn't require the bedroom (regardless of who is in the bed)...

But for me, it's mostly the sleep deprivation that affects what I want (or can ) do, not where people are sleeping. And since the family bed means I'm getting more sleep it also means I have more energy for intimacy.
See, we have completely different perspectives. And we have different children. I am getting most of the sleep I need, but not nearly the time alone with dp that I need. And for the adult time that we want, we really need some true privacy--not the living room or dd's room where dd could walk in at any moment.

Sigh. One day. I love my kids with all my heart, and intend to enjoy their childhood to its fullest. But I also intend our empty nest
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#66 of 159 Old 05-19-2008, 02:07 PM
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Well all I have to say is that those people who only have sex in bed probably have the most boring sex lives (missionary only!)...UGGhh!
Missionary? I wish! Belly's too big for that. Thank goodness for genetic hyperflexibility, or I'd never get the nookie.
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#67 of 159 Old 05-19-2008, 05:44 PM
 
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Exactly! Um, there are other places to have sex! In fact, we have added so much spice to our married life by finding creative spots all over the place! I find it way more fun than just the ol' roll over and go at it, LOL! I'm sorry, but once I'm in bed I'm sleeping, lol!!!
I was going to post the same thing! If anything, the family bed helps because everyone is getting more sleep & we are all less tired and crabby. When people mention about the family bed interfering with our sex life, I just respond that "We have the whole rest of the house to have sex in" and look pointedly at the couch, dining room table, etc! That usually ends the conversation
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#68 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 12:37 AM
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I always find the cosleeping and sex argument so bizarre. I don't know who these people are who only have sex in a bed.
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Originally Posted by crunchymomofmany View Post
Well said!

And on a lighter note...why does most of America believe that sex has to take place in the bed? Really, folks, let's get a little more creative - there are other rooms in the house!
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I think it makes our marriage more exciting because we *have* to find somewhere else to have sex Before it was always just bed, bed, boring bed
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Exactly! Um, there are other places to have sex! In fact, we have added so much spice to our married life by finding creative spots all over the place! I find it way more fun than just the ol' roll over and go at it, LOL! I'm sorry, but once I'm in bed I'm sleeping, lol!!!
We were married almost 3 years when DD came along, we hadn't had any trouble find places, time, and adventure for our sex life. I agree that it is so odd to think you can only have sex in a bed. I know what I was like as a 19 year old, I don't remember a bed coming in to play that often and I didn't find it hard to come up with a new and interesting place.

Time - Whenever opportunity presents then have some fun. I am man who is very blessed to have a DW who is up for an adventure and isn't afraid of a quicky or two now and then. If you are a stickler for the "Big Mac" then go for the "Happy Meal" now and then.
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#69 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 12:47 AM
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Not to get to far OT, but REALLY? If DF ever tried that with me, he'd be sleeping on the sofa for a month. I can't even imagine. Sex before sleep is okay, but why on earth would you WAKE SOMEONE UP????? Am I missing something? I don't like being woke up for anything... waking me up for sex is .. :


That said, we love our new futon.
I must say that I have a habit waking my DW with a back rub and seeing where it would go from there. We never, and I did ask, thought it was weird or out of line. The part I think a lot of people are missing is that we COMMUNICATED about what we needed and how we wanted those needs met.

I am not sure why being awoke by a SO who wants to show love in it's physical form would not be accepted openly and even welcomed.:
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#70 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 12:54 AM
 
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A family bed makes it more exciting. Who woulda guessed the kitchen counter would be an option when you're married?

What really destroys married life is your husband not doing the dishes.

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#71 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 01:10 AM
 
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Y'know, I actually haven't had sex outside of our bed in the 14 months since having a child. I also have a child who (at night) has never slept outside of our kingsize family bed. And we probably have a better, more contented sex life now than we did before (breastfeeding = my libido finally matches DP's ).
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#72 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 01:15 AM
 
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Originally Posted by petra_william View Post
i totally agree... contrary to popular belief they are not going to co sleep for ever lol and those few years they do are nothing compared to a whole lifetime really.
I think that is a great comfort to those who only have a few children, but what about those who lean more toward quiverfull thinking? My ideal would be to allow breastfeeding to space my children, but to never directly limit them from coming. I started at age 20, and so I'd have 20+ years of fertility and 25+ years of cosleeping to go through. 25 years is a whole different ball game!

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how hard could it be to put Baby somewhere else for that short time, and bring her back for the rest of the night?
Based on that statement right there I would've known you're not a mom yet With most babies, once they're asleep, you DO NOT MOVE THEM AT ANY COST!!! Otherwise you'll be spending another hour getting her back to sleep and then you and your dp will fall asleep and miss out on the sex

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Not to get to far OT, but REALLY? If DF ever tried that with me, he'd be sleeping on the sofa for a month. I can't even imagine. Sex before sleep is okay, but why on earth would you WAKE SOMEONE UP????? Am I missing something? I don't like being woke up for anything... waking me up for sex is .. :
You REALLY feel this way? I can't even comprehend this. . . And I work full time and get an average of 5-6 hours of sleep per night, even on weekends. I LOVE it when dh wakes me up in the middle of the night on the weekends. He works graveyards and I work days, so it's really our only option.

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I am not sure why being awoke by a SO who wants to show love in it's physical form would not be accepted openly and even welcomed.:
Absolutely. I have experienced sexual rejection from my dh, and it affected me deeply. I realized that it really only happened our first year of marriage, yet I still am walking on eggshells in those situations, afraid of being rejected again.
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#73 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 08:48 AM
 
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IBased on that statement right there I would've known you're not a mom yet
Second oldest of six, mom of two.....completely different experience....

Can't tell you how many times I've moved a baby/little kid from the car/couch to the bed without a minutes worth of trouble....

Certainly a possiblity not to discount until you've tried...and as sleep changes developmentally, worth trying again along the way...


Now the folks who can get their kids up to pee and have them back asleep have me in awe.
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#74 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 09:02 AM
 
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I am not sure why being awoke by a SO who wants to show love in it's physical form would not be accepted openly and even welcomed.:
Because I might not be able to get back to sleep. For me, sex doesn't lead to sleep, I get all wired. And being woke up at 2am or something, having sex and not being able to get back to sleep is my worst nightmare! Plus, I just don't wake up well. I'm of the "don't talk to me until I've been awake for a hour" type.

I just can't imagine being woken up, even to a back rub, being pleasant. I would appreciate the effort, if I hadn't specifically told DF NO WAY! (Thanks to this thread), but I would not want to participate.

Oh and chfriend, my youngest niece is one of those kids you can pee while sleeping. And a good thing too, she was a bedwetter. She's also just impossible to wake up in general.

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#75 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 09:16 AM
 
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Yeah- sex wakes me up. I have sleep issues, and can't nor want to wake up to have sex. I also don't wake up at 2 to go for a jog and then go back to sleep.

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#76 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 09:35 AM
 
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Hello I am a new mom - my dd is 3 months and I am in love with her and love our family bed, however I am having a little trouble figuring out the intimacy thing. Currently we share a house with my younger sister, and in a month and a half we will be moving in with my parents, who already share a house with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. I grew up this way in a multiple famiy home, and know that this is how most of the world lives. We are doing it because it will allow me to stay home with dd and for dh to not take a second job so that he has time with us. Also, this kind of communal family living will have benefits for DD - she will have so many people to love her, and DH and I will have lots of support as new parents. In addition this arrangement has environmental benefits, which I like. Anyway, all this talk about using other rooms for sex makes me anxious, becasue all that my husband and I will have is the room we share with DD. There are of course other rooms, but the kitchen counter is not much of an option when you share it with your folks, aunt and uncle, and a teenager. Remember I am new to this, and I just need some reassurance that we wil be able to do it. . . I am looking forward to the move, but having a lot of anxiety about the sex part. I guess I am less worried about the family bed ruining our sex life - I wouldn't consider another sleeping arrangement - as much as the family house.

So far we wait until she is asleep and then we are really quiet on the other side of the bed (remember we share a house with my sister). My husband seems more comfortable with this than I am, but I can do it. But what about when she gets older and is able to move and might remember what she hears and sees if she happens to wake up.
It is hard because while most of the world lives in multigenerational houses, cosleeps and shares space, this is not as common in our culture, so there is not a lot of support or understanding.

I am hoping to get some support and understanding here. Is there anyone else who cosleeps but does not have the luxury of a guest bedroom, or kitchen/livingroom of their own?
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#77 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 09:43 AM
 
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No, no, no, children destroy marriages.

Seriously though, anyone who expects their life to be the same and "convenient" after having kids is either deluded or has really bad parenting potential.

(Didn't read all responses - forgive me if I'm repeating)

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#78 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 10:03 AM
 
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But what about when she gets older and is able to move and might remember what she hears and sees if she happens to wake up.
Since your dd is only 3 mo, you have years before this would be an issue. Don't borrow trouble . It works right now, and it will work for a long time to come.

I've been pointing out the struggles of intimacy while cosleeping with my dd, but she is 7. I also have a 16 mo son, and have absolutely no issue being intimate with him asleep in the room.
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#79 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 10:49 AM
 
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thanks sunnmama!
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#80 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 11:09 AM
 
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Whoever thinks co-sleeping puts a strain on married life should try a 15 month deployment sometime.

No, I take that back. No one should ever have to do that.
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#81 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 11:54 AM
 
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I haven't read this whole thing, but the only thing that hurt our sex life was PPD. I had ZERO interest in sex for oh I bet about 12 months after our daughter was born. My husband was relaxed about it. He said he'd had dry spells before we got together and he could survive a dry spell then.

My husband wasn't able to sleep with our daughter (he said she breathed too loudly and he couldn't sleep - LOL) so he moved into another room. And that didn't hurt our marriage either. In fact it's turned out to be a good thing because everyone sleeps so well.

Once my hormones were back in gear, co-sleeping was irrelevant as far as our sex life went. Him sleeping in a separate room helped because we just had sex there. He sleeps better by himself so he's stayed in the other room and we actually have sex more often now than when we first got married because we're both so well-rested and relaxed.

We've been very happily married for over 11 years now. The only hard part was during the PPD and my husband was infinitely patient and loving so it was just a minor bump rather than a big problem, and the hormonal problem would have existed regardless of where people slept.
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#82 of 159 Old 05-21-2008, 03:29 PM
 
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Whoever thinks co-sleeping puts a strain on married life should try a 15 month deployment sometime.

No, I take that back. No one should ever have to do that.
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#83 of 159 Old 05-22-2008, 12:44 PM
 
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A family bed makes it more exciting. Who woulda guessed the kitchen counter would be an option when you're married?

What really destroys married life is your husband not doing the dishes.
I read every post until this one and now I am satisfied and ready to browse elsewhere
I'm due any day with #1 and confident that we will just find a way to make the intimacy happen.....

But dishes, yes! Once I told DP that he was bad at doing dishes and immediatley regretted it. He, always great at communicating basic feelings, responded by saying "well that makes me feel like I should never do them again."
WHOOPS. I back peddled on that one for quite a awhile before he went back to doing them again regularly. I will never make that mistake again!
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#84 of 159 Old 05-22-2008, 12:59 PM
 
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I suspect the assumed choice between baby and marriage is one of the biggest factors in families choosing not to co-sleep. I have friends who weren't even allowed into their parent's room during the day because of the perceived need to protect the sacredness of their parent's marriages. While that is more extreme than not allowing your child into your room at night, it's still an extension of the same idea.
Ah, consider the grand irony: they were conceived in that room; that's where their lives began, and yet they were no longer allowed in that room, even during the day. Ah, the great irony!
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#85 of 159 Old 05-22-2008, 01:09 PM
 
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I would be pi$$ed if dh woke me for sex! I am willing to have sex just about anywhere in the house. It doesn't have to be in our bed. Our problem is just finding the time, not that there is a kid or 2 in the bed. By the time both kids are sleeping we are both exhausted. That would happen regardless of sleeping arrangements. Our marriage would suck if not for co-sleeping. Its the only way I can get enough sleep to not be a sleep deprived miserable mess. :
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#86 of 159 Old 05-22-2008, 01:33 PM
 
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Eh...sex doesn't have to happen at night or in bed. I think it's funny and strange that other people are suddenly so interested in concerned about our sex life when they find out we are co-sleeping. Co-sleeping hasn't destroyed our marriage. Not co-sleeping would have put a strain on our marriage though because DS wouldn't sleep anywhere else. Put everyone where they get the most sleep and you are more likely to have adults who are better rested and more up for sex.

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#87 of 159 Old 05-22-2008, 05:35 PM
 
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You know, I have known quite a few couples whose marriages have taken some serious hits from long-term cosleeping and baby sleep issues. No one got divorced, but some of them decided "no more kids." Let's not pussyfoot around. Cosleeping really can be hard on a marriage/family.

We have a full-sized bed and no money or space for anything bigger. DS and I are going through hard sleep times anyway, and with the small bed, it just sucks for DH and isn't fair to him. So DS and I are cosleeping and my husband is on the couch. It really is no fun, and I miss my husband. A lot. For now the cosleeping is what baby needs, but I will be working to get him to a crib when he's older.

I also find that talking before sleep is one of our most intimate couple times, and once baby gets old enough to be easily disturbed we lose that. It's about much more than sex, for me (though that's an issue too).

Also, I never would have sex with the child in the room or bed. It's really really not for me, at all. I kinda resent the implication that this makes me uptight.

I don't think anyone is well-served by the idea that people who struggle with hard times due to cosleeping are in a marriage that can't handle kids.

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#88 of 159 Old 05-22-2008, 06:17 PM
 
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I always find the cosleeping and sex argument so bizarre. I don't know who these people are who only have sex in a bed.
I agree...and there's always the "guest bedroom" if you just find GIO in a bed more comfy...

My friends always assume we have no sex life because dp sleeps in "his room" and I sleep in another room with the kids...then I inform them that I "visit" dp after I put the kids to bed and they get miffed that we GIO more than they do!

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#89 of 159 Old 05-22-2008, 06:20 PM
 
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Also, I never would have sex with the child in the room or bed. It's really really not for me, at all. I kinda resent the implication that this makes me uptight.
I don't think it makes you uptight at all...I'm the same way...who wants to get almost "there" and have a 3 year old wake up screaming because of all the noise distrubing his sleep? No way.

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#90 of 159 Old 05-25-2008, 02:54 PM
 
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I don't think it makes you uptight at all...I'm the same way...who wants to get almost "there" and have a 3 year old wake up screaming because of all the noise distrubing his sleep? No way.
:

We're now having this problem. DS has started sleeping in his own toddler bed wedged between our bed and the wall, but it is very awkward when he wakes up (which thank god has only happened twice, but MAN! what a moodkiller!) I'm thinking about cleaning out the closet.... It's a BIIIIIIG closet... you know.. like... big enough to put a mattress in? Before someone also calls me uptight, I love the kitchen, but we don't live alone. Sometimes the rest of the house isn't an option because it would be disrespectful. And our bathroom doesn't have enough space for our particular brand of fun.
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