Step-mom let her CIO !!! - vent - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 10-15-2003, 08:38 AM - Thread Starter
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Ok we just got back from a weekend long trip to visit family for Thanksgiving. DD is almost 13 months, so I thought maybe now we'd be ready to leave her for a short while with her grandparents. Monday night, dh and I went out for 1 hr 45 minutes. When we came back (I hadn't even meant to stay out that long, but we didn't have a watch with us), dd was fast asleep on the floor on a blanket (which is where she naps at their house, so that part wasn't alarming). What did alarm me was when my step mom said "oh, yeah she was crying and yawning so we just sat here and ignored her till she fell asleep."

I was so stunned I couldn't respond. I went ustairs and just bawled, to think of my poor baby feeling so abandonned. It was two hours before her normal fall-asleep time, but she had a busy few days, so I'm sure she was tired. They said it only took 5-10 minutes. Now, they tried to give her her water (which she loves), but they didn't try the breastmilk I had left. I am so upset I never want to leave her with them again. I spoke to my Dad the next morning and told him how we don't let her cry. He said they didn't know what else to do. He didn't even know there was milk in the freezer. I told him that not letting her cry makes sense since that's how she communicates, and to respond to her teaches the world is a loving place, instead of teaching her that she is not cared about. I didn't say to him that she will not be left in their care again. It just won't come up. We won't ask them. In all fairness, my step-mom was just doing things the way she thought was best. I never told her not to let her CIO.
When you have someone babysit, do you tell them not to let the baby CIO? How do you word that tactfully to somone who's convinced otherwise? Should I say anything to my step-mom? I know my Dad will tell her what I say, and she and I are not close. I don't want to confront her because I know she will belittle me.
Anyway thanks for letting me vent, and if you have any advice I appreciate it.
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#2 of 4 Old 10-15-2003, 03:46 PM
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I can relate! My MIL has her own opinions too. From the time ds was born I talked to MIL about AP'ing and never CIO. She did not agree with some of my beliefs but was polite. One time she stated that I should let ds CIO because that is a release of emotions and "don't I feel better after a good cry?" I couldn't belive that she actually reasoned on that!
We asked her to babysit twice, hesatantly. The first time dh and I went to target for 45 min and ds slept the whole time, phew. The second time we went out to dinner, maybe two hours. I was very nervous to leave him with her so I prepared a "babysitter list" of helpful suggestions. I made sure to include anything I could think of that would comfort him in any situation, pacifier, teething remedies, singing ect. I added that we do not let ds cio and that if he was inconsoleable then to please call us since we would rather come home to relieve Jacob and his sitter than to have the both of them unhappy. Well, after dinner I called to see how things were going and MIL said that ds had been crying almost since we left.
We went straight home. I asked her why she didn't call and she just brushed it off with something about wanting us to have a good time. She even added that she did have to put ds on the floor (crying) because her back was aching and "she just could not hold him anymore".
I was devestated and felt so bad for my little 4 mo old. After that ds would cry anytime MIL would hold him and I know the reason why.
We decided that MIL would never bbsit again, but that we should make a real effort to bring him over to visit their house and invite the family over for get togethers on a regular basis. I personaly never brought that night up again. If you feel like you need to then go with your own instincts.
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#3 of 4 Old 10-17-2003, 09:01 PM
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my MIL is the only one around who can babysit for us, but I feel very uncomfortable leaving ds with her. she has watched him 3 times total, for about an hour or two each time, but we are always in for a shock when we go to pick him up. the first time, she gave him 4oz water (at 1 month old, after I told her I didn't want him getting anything but the breastmilk I left for him) the second time, she let him cio and didn't call like we had wanted her to, and the third time she gave him a bottle of apple juice (at 3 months. again, she knows I think that is too young for juice) for a while, he would every time she held him during our visits, but now is getting better. although it has been 2 months since dh and i have had time alone. i just can't trust anyone to care for ds like i would! MIL is now wanting to watch ds again, and I'm running out of excuses. I'm not sure what I should tell her, because I'm not going to leave him with her again. She doesn't honor my wishes as mom. I personally don't think a talk will help that much, but different families have different ways of working things out. All we can really control is what we do (or don't do) so I guess that means no nights out for us!
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#4 of 4 Old 10-17-2003, 10:12 PM
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morgansmom, you have said in your post all you need to say to her- "She doesn't honor my wishes as mom." You don't have to be confrontational with her, just tell her this when she asks.
My mom thinks she knows everything about babies (even though she's never had one-she's really my step-mom, and didn't meet my dad til I was 2, but that's a different story). With my first child, we went round and round, but with 2nd, I am more confident in my parenting methods and just blow her off. She seems to take it in stride, but we don't leave ds with her. He has stayed with her once, for 2 hours, when he was 13 mos, where she kept dd all the time because I had to work when she was small. It just depends on how bad you need her to keep your DD. We almost never go out alone because we don't have confidence in skills of family, and our AP friends have their own challenges that keep them from helping out much.
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