Has a bad sleeper changed your plans for more? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 51 Old 09-09-2008, 02:01 AM
 
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My dd (3 1/2) was a HORRIBLE sleeper. I think I have PTSD thinking about it. Like many others who sleep poorly she is an extremely bright, active, alert kid and always has been. After failed attempts to use the NCSS I used Jay Gordon's nightweaning plan with her when she was 2 and it was a long long road with lots of help from DH just to get her to one night nursing. Even after she weaned at 2y7m she continued to wake up every night for several months. Now she STTN almost every night. It sort of just changed when she hit 3 and she slept better. She even started going to sleep on her own (her choice). Luckily she started sleeping better a few months before her sister was born. I seriously prayed the entire pregnancy that I would get a good sleeper.
Well, no such luck. I have another one. I'm sure it's partially my fault but I'm too tired to even think about it.

Mama to three active little girls S (3/05) and R (4/08) and A (07/10)
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#32 of 51 Old 09-09-2008, 08:54 AM
 
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My dd is almost 3 and was such a high-needs baby/toddler that dh and I both agreed taht one was enough-- until last week. It's like I woke up one morning, thought- wow- she's turning out to be SO incredibly cool- sleeping in her own room (though still waking 1-2 times per night), finally really happy to hang with daddy and give me a break-- and my hormones have just done the ultimate flip flop on me-- suddenly I want to get pregnant again right now! I've totally had the thought numerous times about how, yeah, I'd have 5 kids too if they were all miracle sleepy babes or if I did CIO, etc. to make them more convenient. I have no intentions of being any less AP with a second child (if I can talk dh into it), but I do have a few ideas of how I might want to do things differently- like letting the child get comfortable being with daddy more as an infant so that I maybe, hopefully, don't feel quite so overwhelmed. It'll get better-- I know that's cliche and totally always made me roll my eyes when I was in the midst of no-sleep-horror, but someday it really will be better and you might miss it (or you might be overjoyed at getting some sleep and take your delightful only child on wild vacations that you couldn't do with two kids and everyone will live happily ever after!-- either way would be peachy!)
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#33 of 51 Old 09-09-2008, 03:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It'll get better-- I know that's cliche and totally always made me roll my eyes when I was in the midst of no-sleep-horror, but someday it really will be better and you might miss it (or you might be overjoyed at getting some sleep and take your delightful only child on wild vacations that you couldn't do with two kids and everyone will live happily ever after!-- either way would be peachy!)
Thanks - right now I'm totally consoling myself by thinking of being able to pay for her entire college education and all of the awesome vacations we can take with just one!
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#34 of 51 Old 09-15-2008, 07:27 PM
 
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wow, i was just bemoanin this very situation with a friend of mine today. actually we both are in the midsts of it with our babies. we both agreed it is probably the most difficult thing to go through, i mean isnt sleep deprivation a tactic of torture and interrogation? and how frustrated i feel, sometimes resentful at my own ds, as if he's trying to make me crack so he can gain control of all the sharp and shiny things in the house that i'm constantly keeping him from.
it does make me cry sometimes, and feel like i cant do it for much longer. i cant help you with anything cept to tell you you're not alone in this....:
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#35 of 51 Old 09-15-2008, 07:39 PM
 
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only this to say.......
every child is different, child one and child two dont mean they are the same or will or act the same, many many parents comment on how A and B are so different

somethings to think on............ remember this is given with lots of love ::if you really want more then dont let the one bad thing hold you back. you must know in your heart and hope that they will outgrow it. if your child was special needs would you not have more because of?

my dd and my ds is very different in alot of ways. i wanted more but i didnt let the bad from my dd stop me. in some ways having my ds has calmed her down she is very helpful with him.
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#36 of 51 Old 09-15-2008, 08:37 PM
 
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Yes it changed our plans, DS is a horrible sleeper and was from the beginning, and is fairly high needs when awake too. We orignally intended to TTC again sometime after his second birthday so as to have kids three years apart and be done before I turned 40, well that got put off, and put off simply because I couldn't get enough sleep. We did eventually get there though, as I just turned 41 and am due in December, they'll be four years apart.

DS still doesn't sleep through the night every night, but he does at this point more often than he doesn't and I felt like I might be able to manage it...now I'm not so sure because the worry that this one won't sleep well or that having a new baby will throw DS back into sleeping poorly is scary, plus DS no longer naps so how will I get a nap during the day? It is all a bit frightening but I still did at least start to feel it was possible. (we actually got pregnant accidentally before we officially started TTC but we knew that we were planning to shortly...even then, I think the extra three months we had planned on might have helped!)

You may still too, and when you actually hit whatever your "magical age" that you feel you can't have children anymore (mine was 40) you may find it matters less than you thought. I know it turned out that for me, it really didn't end up seeming like 41 was all that different than 39.

Personally I would wait til you feel at least like you are getting some sleep though, now that I'm pregnant the few bad nights that are left really really hit me hard, so I'm glad that I didn't take everyone's advice and just leap before we felt ready. (so many people told me "oh go ahead you won't regret it" but I think we would have...like I said I even do find the three months early that this happened a bit more of a challenge than you'd think mattered)
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#37 of 51 Old 09-15-2008, 09:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by littlemizflava View Post
if your child was special needs would you not have more because of?
I do have a friend who has a special needs child and they have opted not to have more children because of their family challenges.

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in some ways having my ds has calmed her down she is very helpful with him
I think this is interesting and I have heard this before. I think this would help with ds' high energy not with ds' sleep, lack there of.

I will share that now that ds is almost 3 years old he does sleep better and only wakes every 2-3 hrs at night. But the few years I spent helping back to sleep every 45mins - 1 hr 1/2, were killer for us.
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#38 of 51 Old 09-15-2008, 09:19 PM
 
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My ds was not the greatest sleeper, I thought when I got preggers with dd that it had to be better. Anything had to be better. NOPE! Worse...way worse! I was tandem nursing and frankly it was really very difficult. Eventually, I learned to deal with the sleep deprivation. We decided that we were not going to have anymore children, and then BAM! Preggers again. This time, I swore it would be different NOPE! Another poor sleeper. However, my other two did eventually sleep through the night (in my 4th month of pregnancy, when my milk dried up and they both pretty much weaned in the same week). Anyway, in retrospect, I know it is food intolerances on their part. Dairy for sure. If I had the insight and I was preggers for the first time again. I would cut dairy in the last few months of pregnancy and during the newborn phase and see how baby sleeps. Then I would add it in after a few months to see if anything would change. I have though ALOT about this. You know the sleep will get better, but you can't have the time back. I wouldn't let it stop you if you have a real yearning for more children. Keep in mind the dairy thing though. Just my experience. I couldn't imagine my life if I had stopped having children before my last dd.
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#39 of 51 Old 09-16-2008, 12:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been on an ED most of DD's life, and am going back to it now to try to help her sleep. Well, I'm still partially on it, but adding back in dairy.

My biggest fear is to have another one who is worse! Yikes!!! I'm glad you're surviving... I still don't have AF back, and some months I get totally paranoid that I'm pg.

As for special needs, depending on the issues, I might very well opt not to have another one for that reason. If it was extremely hard to care for the sn child or if it was genetic and likely to repeat. Not speaking for anyone else, but for me, sure it would play into my thinking for future children.

I truly hope that in a couple of years DH and I change our minds, but I won't know until we are getting some sleep around here.

At least I'm not alone! Thanks for your honesty, mommas!
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#40 of 51 Old 09-16-2008, 12:31 AM
 
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I definitely want at least one more child, but with DD's constant night nursing that kills my back and sleep quality, and her more recent teething that contributes to her incessant SCREAMING for hours on end, I have thought very seriously about getting that IUD, LOL! Ahhh, it's been a rough month!
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#41 of 51 Old 09-16-2008, 01:22 AM
 
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sorry, forgot to mention that yes it has changed my hopes too. i know in regards to dealing with a new sleepless baby with other children, mothers 'just do it' but my present life is days that dont start til noon cause i am trying to sneak naps to recover from the previous night and if i had, HAD to be up all day to care for more children, well, i just dont understand how i could.
when i told my mom after ds was born that we'd like to have another in a few years when we'd be more financially stable, she said 'not just financially, but make sure you're mentally and emotionally able to have more than one'. (she had 5). and you know, i never thought to consider that. and considering it, i think 1 is a safe choice.
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#42 of 51 Old 09-16-2008, 09:09 AM
 
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I definitely want at least one more child, but with DD's constant night nursing that kills my back and sleep quality,
Yes! So the 45 mins. I could sleep between his wakeups, ds was latched & typically I was upright in a rocker or with my back twisted in the side lying position. Ouch!

Quote:
and her more recent teething that contributes to her incessant SCREAMING for hours on end, I have thought very seriously about getting that IUD, LOL! Ahhh, it's been a rough month!
This is hard for everyone! We had luck with Hyland's teething tabs.
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#43 of 51 Old 10-08-2008, 01:29 PM
 
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One thing I've noticed is that some people really have trouble with sleep deprivation, some just don't. It's something that's never really bothered me, even when I was WOHM full time and waking many, many times a night with dd1. BTW, now she's 11 and she still wakes up every night!

Seriously, though, my sis had a baby last year at 38 and wanted to have another by 40, but she's changed her plans because her nine month old still wakes up ONCE a night and she's EXHAUSTED! OK, I'm making fun of her a little, but she just hasn't coped well with any kind of sleep deprivation.

Me : living with and loving papa and the kids: Dd1 8/97 , dd2 8/04 and my sweet baby ds 5/09 : :
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#44 of 51 Old 10-08-2008, 02:47 PM
 
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No, we had planned on having just one. So really what her sleep problems did was reaffirm that decision. There is NO WAY I could go through the sleep issues again.
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#45 of 51 Old 10-08-2008, 02:59 PM
 
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My ds didn't start sleeping a little better (not waking every hr to nurse) until 18 months. It slowly got better from there and now at 2 1/2 he sleeps through the night *most* of the time. I still nurse him to sleep and sometimes in middle of the night.

Until he was 2 I didn't think I could possibly do another!

Mama to sweet Joey (01/27/06), rainbow1284.gif VBAC baby Rita born 09/12/09!
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#46 of 51 Old 10-08-2008, 03:43 PM
 
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I go back and forth, I had DD at 36, I would have no problem having another at 38, 39 or 40. My grandmother had my mom when she was 42, so having babies late is the norm in my family. I don't handle sleep deprivation well, and it makes me depressed, but I don't think that is what will be the ultimate decision maker for me. Babies don't sleep, and I get up every 2 hours with DD now, I never expected her to sleep through the night until she was 2 anyway.

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#47 of 51 Old 10-08-2008, 03:47 PM
 
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We were definitely planning on having two, and the sleep issues changed our minds for sure. Not only would we not want to go through this again with another baby, we are at a bit of a loss as to how we would even manage to get pregnant in the first place, given how little time we have together... because of the sleep issues.
For the first two years, DD could not sleep at all unless she was on me or right next to me. The only exception was car naps, and I would often drive her around for hours to keep her asleep just so I could have a little personal space. My friends who drove for naps would just drive to get the kid to sleep... then they could go home, put the baby in bed, and do their own thing. Not me. She never once stayed asleep during a transfer, and would even wake up if I got stuck at an extra long red light! At night I could sometimes get out of bed long enough to go to the bathroom, but usually she would wake up before I even got both feet on the floor. Even when I was right there with her she woke up every 45 minutes or so. I tried NCSS, EDs, sleep whispering, tui na, sacral cranial massage, Bach flower remedies, baby massage, everything I heard of or could think of. The only thing that helped was the Jay Gordon nightweaning method, but I wasn't willing to do that until she was 3.
She's almost 5 now, and we have other reasons for not having another baby at this point, but we still wouldn't change our minds and try for another. We still don't get enough time together to even TTC! Bedtime takes hours, she still wakes many nights, and she still needs a parent with her for most of her sleeping hours.
The one friend I have IRL whose DD had sleep problems anywhere close to my DD's did have another baby... who is also a terrible sleeper.... There's just no way DH and I could go through that again.
But I did spend a lot of time at the beginning both feeling like the sleep problems must be my fault in some way, and also like I must be a failure at some level for not being able to buck up and do it again. Threads like this help a lot, because I see that so many other people who actually know what it's like feel the same way.
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#48 of 51 Old 10-08-2008, 06:04 PM
 
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Well, my 2.5 year old has always had lots of sleep troubles. She still wakes 2-6 times per night! If I ever get her sleeping through the night, I could never do this again. I am 38, and it might kill me.
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#49 of 51 Old 10-09-2008, 01:08 AM
 
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It's definitely made us really think hard about the logistics/reality of having a second. My mom's first (my bro) was a tough sleeper too, but then I was much more easy going in that respect. That always reminds me that just b/c the first one was so intense, that doesn't mean that all of your future kids would be that intense as well - plus now you've had the experience once and are likely more able to know how to handle it than you were the first round.

We've decided to prepare ourselves as if we will get another equally (or potentially more) intense child than DD. When we feel ready for that, then we'll try again (we're getting there). If we get an easygoing one, then great, if not, then we know already what we're getting into. But there will be no third child - though I'd never planned on having ANY kids, so that's not a huge surprise.

You're already at the 1 yr mark - it will get easier with this one. And 30 isn't old. So maybe having two close in age won't work out, but having 3-4 years in between might help you stay sane - having a second at 32-33 is NOT old, not even really an issue.

ETA: Now I see you're mid-thirties - so my numbers are wrong, but still, don't write it off until your DD's a little older. There will still be time if you decide you really want to do it again. But ultimately if you decide you're not comfortable having a kid at whatever age you end up being, then just know that you're going to be able to be with your daughter more, which is a great thing as well.



Don't rule out having another child just yet because you have a bad sleeper. I'll share with you something about me that may help you reconsider your plans:

My mother could relate. I was her worse sleeper, and I still can't sleep well today. Some kids take it into their adulthood. That may not sound comforting, but I have to tell the truth. My mother did have three more children of which all turned out sleeping well through the night without waking. Each child is different.

It got to the point that my mother would tell me to stay up if I'd like so long as I did not disturb the rest of the house. She stopped bothering to tell me to come to bed with the rest of the kids long ago--like around eight. As long as I was reading in bed, which I loved, eating snacks in my room, playing with toys quietly in bed, or had the TV on, she never cared. It was only when I decided to become curious and go on my expeditions that involved me getting into things, experimenting, and having my nighttime fun did she have a problem.

I was her devil, and the others were her saints!

I am married to my soul mate and best friend, and I am truly blessed.

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#50 of 51 Old 10-09-2008, 04:16 PM
 
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Its certainly put DP off, he doesnt handle sleep dep as well as I do. after i got over the newborn stage shock I have been sort of coasting along and only occasionally realising how tired I am,its become normal to me now. It has definitely made me want to wait till DS is 4 or so before having another. I never wanted closely spaced children anyway though, bc I just don't think I could handle it with zero family support. But the thought of starting to get more sleep (hopefully by the time he's 4!) and then starting it all over again, does break me. I'm 28 though so luckily not in a hurry. I often wonder if I'd do things differently next time, certainly not CIO or 'sleep train' etc but perhaps try to put my child down semi awake ....I don't know, maybe DS is just a poor sleeper and nothing I could have done would have helped.

IBC Mama, i can so relate to your post about feeling that it's your fault somehow. I often feel like a failure for this.
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#51 of 51 Old 10-09-2008, 05:09 PM
 
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I sorta had the opposite reaction. I was sleep deprived but had learned to function pretty well--I was used to it, and felt like I should just go ahead and have another baby while I was used to it. If I waited until I was getting 8 straight hours again, I don't think I'd ever have had #2.

As luck would have it, ds started STTN for the first time ever about a month before dd was born.

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