Friends comparing to your dc... - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 19 Old 01-12-2010, 12:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
alexsam's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 3,276
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have a friend. Her son has some delays- language, motor, he has some behavioral issues and some learning issues. I don't really know the extent of it (and it doesn't matter to me- our boys like each other and have a good time).

The problem is "next to" DS, the little friends issues become very noticable to his mom (who is so sweet and a good friend) and you can tell make her upset.

I've said (and truly feel) that people are just themselves and comparison is an injustice, that giftedness is not an easy road either (ds goes to a private school because public school doesn't work for him), that DS is not good to look at as a marker, etc.

Like, everything. Now, its just getting weird . I feel like she alternates between comparing them and finding all of DS's gifted stuff and making it a big deal... *sigh*. She's great. I like her, I like her son. My son likes them both too. But I'm not sure what to say.

Anyone have just the right way to say "Hey- no big deal here?"
alexsam is offline  
#2 of 19 Old 01-12-2010, 01:36 AM
 
~Snoopy~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 8
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have this same issue with a very good friend of mine. Her son is just now starting to talk, while mine has been talking since before one. It has been hard because often she compares and says things. I just try and reassure her it is normal and try not to let it bug her.

I'll be interested in seeing the other responses.
~Snoopy~ is offline  
#3 of 19 Old 01-12-2010, 04:13 AM
 
RandiFlowers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 75
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by alexsam View Post
I have a friend. Her son has some delays- language, motor, he has some behavioral issues and some learning issues. I don't really know the extent of it (and it doesn't matter to me- our boys like each other and have a good time).
Our DD10 is in 7th grade. One of her good friends is 11 and in 4th. They have a blast together. The adults just naturally stay away from academic issues and the kids don't work on homework together. But they will swim, bike, play and just generally have fun for hours on end.

These girls met in K. Our DD has since been grade-skipped twice and there daughter has been held back once.

Thankfully, our daughter has never been one to brag about her abilities (at least not that we've ever seen). That's a big help.
RandiFlowers is offline  
#4 of 19 Old 01-12-2010, 06:42 AM
 
PreggieUBA2C's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: foothills, farm, deep wilderness
Posts: 1,851
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Can you have a straight conversation about how you feel when she makes comparisons between your dc? It really has nothing to do with giftedness or developmental delays or development at all, IMO, but rather respect for each person involved in the friendship. It would be difficult to carry on together if she were doing the same thing but between the two of you, right? Or if you have partners, between them.

I'd try having an honest, candid conversation about your feelings and thoughts about it- and hers of course.

Well, I've been absent for 8 months, and during that time, it turns out that I have completely transformed. You are all precious. Thank you for being here and sharing your lives. You are truly a gift. namaste.gif Jan. 23, 2012

PreggieUBA2C is offline  
#5 of 19 Old 01-12-2010, 11:44 AM
 
itsmyturn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 191
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't have the magic answer here, but if your child is good friends with her child, I would just let it go. If you bring it up you are taking the risk of offending her and making your relationship worse. Do you think talking about it, is going to change her feelings and thoughts? Chances are that she is just stressed and overwhelmed and needs a place to vent.
My suggestion would be to minimize the amount of details & acomplishments you share with her, about her your child, so she has less fuel to feed on, and change the subject to something positive you notice about her child when she is being negative.
Having a child who is "different" is a hard road travel, and it sounds like you are both on the same road for different reasons.
Good luck with what ever you decide.
itsmyturn is offline  
#6 of 19 Old 01-12-2010, 09:34 PM
 
eilonwy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Lost
Posts: 15,406
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Some of the other parents at ADO (Bean & Boobah's biweekly school thingy) have expressed concerns about their children's working levels, but it's very rare that anyone compares their child to Bean anymore. I've made it very clear that it's just not a reasonable comparison to make; Yes, every child is different and yes, some kids are more different than others.

Another parent has two girls enrolled in the same grades (2 and K) as Bean and Boobah, but her girls have fall birthdays and both started kindergarten at nearly-six (Bean was 4y10m, Boobah was 5y2m). She and a third parent (with a second grader and twins in kindergarten) and I were chatting, and she was talking about how pleased she was with her kindergartener's progress (she had finished the kindergarten math, phonics, and language arts programs). The third parent was stunned-- her twins were having a really hard time with phonics and were making progress in math but were certainly not going to finish any time soon. I had to remind her that the first woman's daughter is *ten months* older than our kindergarteners. It stands to reason that she would have a longer attention span and that she would move more quickly through curriculum. Toss in the fact that the first parent only has three children (I've got four and the other mother five, including an infant) and it's no wonder that she's so far "ahead" of our kiddos. You just can't compare them, it's apples to watermelons.

It sounds to me as though your friend is concerned about something else. Perhaps she's feeling guilty because her son is behind, that if she did things differently her son would be more like yours. Perhaps she's just concerned about his development and/or progress. In any case, it might help her to realize how much progress her child has made, or for you to acknowledge his achievements openly and enthusiastically. I also find it helpful to be honest about my own children's accomplishments without making comparisons. It's very exciting when a child starts to read, whether that child is three or nine, and it's perfectly reasonable for parents to be proud regardless. I'm pretty much a cheerleader for all of the kiddos I encounter.

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
eilonwy is offline  
#7 of 19 Old 01-13-2010, 12:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
alexsam's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 3,276
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
She's *very* stressed out by it. That is the real main issue. That she hasn't come to a "peace" with it all and so she's kind of on this rollercoaster of defending him and pretending its not there and then seeking out tons of services and then trying on different reasons for things... I mean, I get it. Really. And I feel for her (I'm not offended by it or anything). I just feel bad because I think she's still nervous and unsure what this really means for her DS and then mine comes in and is kind of the picture of the opposite. I've told her quite a few times that no matter the road, we're often in the same boat in the end. We're actually both looking at the same private schools, are talking about the same tests, are grappling with the same issues of remaining in a regular age group while getting the academics they need... But I think she looks at mine and despite knowing that we are, in fact, very similar in our struggles, she feels threatened by it to some degree and I think she tries as hard as she can not to be (or not to let it show) so she doesn't know what to do or say... *sigh*

I think (I hope) I've helped her come to see that delays (like giftedness!) do not determine happiness in life, do not dictate success in school, do not change a person's worth, are not a mandate of potential... It just is. So I think she is getting more comfortable around me (knowing that I am not judging her son), but she's not really able to handle mine. And, I keep thinking that the gifted stuff just makes it so much harder. I mean, if he were "regular", the difference between them (in her eyes) would not seem so vast. Again, the boys enjoy each other and that is great. They run around like crazy and have a blast!

I guess time will help (I hope).
alexsam is offline  
#8 of 19 Old 01-13-2010, 02:54 AM
 
HeatherB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Sugar Land, there is no equal
Posts: 9,090
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
It sounds like you are a great friend for her, and I hope that as she comes to terms with her own situation that she will see what a gift that is. I know it's a hard place to be in, but I am really encouraged by what you've shared and hope she will see your true heart for her and her son.

HeatherB ~ mama to 3 wonderful boys:  reading.gif 03/02; modifiedartist.gif09/04; sleepytime.gif 09/07 - and Eliana, babygirl.gif 11/13/10!  
Founder of Houston Birth Alternatives: Be Informed, Encouraged, Supported birth support group and aspiring midwife.

HeatherB is offline  
#9 of 19 Old 01-13-2010, 10:26 AM
 
KimPM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Maryland
Posts: 1,640
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Instead of trying to get the "no big deal" point across, do you think it would help if you instead emphasized how well they get along together and how much you like to see them playing and having fun together?

Kim mama to DS 12/2005, Pepper kitty , and 10/03, 1/05;
KimPM is offline  
#10 of 19 Old 01-13-2010, 01:51 PM
 
Tigerle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,375
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)
I wonder whether saying " no big deal" is the right thing to say at all. It is a big deal to her, and may be for her son in the future. She's worrying, and has reason to. You're not judging her - but others may. Parenting a giftie isn't always an easy road, but it is not the same boat in the end - not at all, and saying so may make her feel you don't "get it". I think you'll have to let it go - let her worry, commiserate, be supportive, talk about interventions, schools etc, just stop her firmly as she starts talking about your DS with "you know he's no yardstick". Talk about how much they enjoy each other.
Maybe it wouldn't be much different if he were typical but bright? Can you imagine how you'd react then? As a mother of a giftie, you may be extra touchy on comparisons. I knwo I am.

Mesleepytime.gifDH geek.gif DS1 10/06 drum.gif DD 08/10 notes.gifDS2 10/12babyf.gifwith SB ribbonyellow.gif and cat.gifcat.gif 
Tigerle is offline  
#11 of 19 Old 01-14-2010, 04:03 AM
 
Lollybrat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 505
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My son has autism and is possibly gifted as well. At the very least he is very academically advanced, so I've been on both sides of this issue.

In all honesty, I think telling your friend "No big deal" is not the right approach. When I was getting my son evaluated and trying to understand his various issues/delays, I found it incredibly painful for people to say that what was going on with my son was "no big deal". The people who said that really had no clue as to what I was going though and what my son was facing. And it made feel like I was going crazy for being concerned about issues that other poeple didn't think were important. I was actually relieved to get the autism diagnosis, in part because I could finally get family members and friends to see that it WAS and IS a big deal.

Maybe this is similar to what your friend is going through. Maybe what she needs is a friend who will just listen to her concerns. You mentioned that the child has language delays, motor delays, behavioral problems, and learning issues. That's a serious combination and it can take a long time to find an overreaching diagnosis for all these difficulties, if a definitive diagnosis is reached at all.

Your friend has every right to be on an emotional rollercoaster. If she is trying to understand what is going on with her child and set up services, it's too early to be "at peace" with her child's challenges. She needs time to work all this out and sometimes people work it out by telling their ideas and frustrations to their friends.

Lolly
Mom to an amazing little guy, age 9 (Autism, Hyperlexia, Dyspraxia, Albinism, Chromosome Microdeletion)

Lollybrat is offline  
#12 of 19 Old 01-19-2010, 12:56 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,630
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 59 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lollybrat View Post
In all honesty, I think telling your friend "No big deal" is not the right approach. When I was getting my son evaluated and trying to understand his various issues/delays, I found it incredibly painful for people to say that what was going on with my son was "no big deal". The people who said that really had no clue as to what I was going though and what my son was facing.
I have a child with mild special needs and agree completely with this post. This stuff is a VERY big deal.

Saying that it isn't a big deal *to you* can only mean that you don't believe what the mother is seeing is serious or that you don't care about the child.

When a child you love is obviously not developing typically, it is absoluting heart breaking. Many mothers of SN children go through a grieving process.

Quote:
Maybe what she needs is a friend who will just listen to her concerns. You mentioned that the child has language delays, motor delays, behavioral problems, and learning issues. That's a serious combination and it can take a long time to find an overreaching diagnosis for all these difficulties, if a definitive diagnosis is reached at all.
yep. And this is not the same boat as trying to find a school that is a good fit for a gifted child. It's not even the same ocean. I have 2 kids -- one gifted and one with special needs. It's not the same thing at all. One is heart breaking and scary and difficult to talk about.

My sn child is now 13 and almost every friend I have has a child with some sort of special needs. The one exception is a woman who used to teach special ed before become a stay at home mom.

Quote:
Your friend has every right to be on an emotional rollercoaster. If she is trying to understand what is going on with her child and set up services, it's too early to be "at peace" with her child's challenges. She needs time to work all this out and sometimes people work it out by telling their ideas and frustrations to their friends.
If you want to stay friends with her and be supportive of what she is going through, you might post on the special needs board to get a broad view of what different moms who deal with this think and what they would like to hear or not hear from moms of gifted kids. I'm sure it's a little different for each of us.

You also might read up on non-violent communication and work on ways to be a sounding board without feeling like you need to convince her of something.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#13 of 19 Old 01-19-2010, 02:14 PM
 
karne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,623
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by alexsam View Post
She's *very* stressed out by it. That is the real main issue. That she hasn't come to a "peace" with it all and so she's kind of on this rollercoaster of defending him and pretending its not there and then seeking out tons of services and then trying on different reasons for things... I mean, I get it. Really. And I feel for her (I'm not offended by it or anything). I just feel bad because I think she's still nervous and unsure what this really means for her DS and then mine comes in and is kind of the picture of the opposite. I've told her quite a few times that no matter the road, we're often in the same boat in the end. We're actually both looking at the same private schools, are talking about the same tests, are grappling with the same issues of remaining in a regular age group while getting the academics they need... But I think she looks at mine and despite knowing that we are, in fact, very similar in our struggles, she feels threatened by it to some degree and I think she tries as hard as she can not to be (or not to let it show) so she doesn't know what to do or say... *sigh*

I think (I hope) I've helped her come to see that delays (like giftedness!) do not determine happiness in life, do not dictate success in school, do not change a person's worth, are not a mandate of potential... It just is. So I think she is getting more comfortable around me (knowing that I am not judging her son), but she's not really able to handle mine. And, I keep thinking that the gifted stuff just makes it so much harder. I mean, if he were "regular", the difference between them (in her eyes) would not seem so vast. Again, the boys enjoy each other and that is great. They run around like crazy and have a blast!

I guess time will help (I hope).

I'll gently say that everything that you've written about your friend's experience of having a child with some delays is very authentic. It's a total roller coaster of a ride. Finding peace? About which part? The struggles that her child might encounter in home life. personal life, school life? About whether she will have the resources, patience, knowledge, to effectively advocate for her child. What all of the unknowns could possibly mean at this stage of the game? It is a big deal. A very big deal, and it can be very painful. Sometimes delays can impact how a child experiences life, and can impact their happiness, or their success in school. I guess what I'm saying is that your well intentioned statements are probably off the mark.

A part of grieving some of the losses that come with having a child with challenges or delays, for some parents, is grieving the loss of typical milestone achievements, physical, cognitive, emotional, etc. There can be real anxiety and grief here. It may be that rather than expecting your friend to be at peace, you try to understand a bit more about what it's like for her. My guess is that it goes far beyond comparing children. If you want to be a good friend it may be that you need to acknowledge to yourself that despite your wanting to equalize the situation between you, your friend is really walking a different path right now.

I say this as a mom of more than one child, where we experience both challenges and giftedness in our kids, so I know what it's like to live in both worlds.
karne is offline  
#14 of 19 Old 01-19-2010, 08:54 PM
 
joensally's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,977
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
The last few posters have been really eloquent. alexsam, I hope my post doesn't overwhelm on the heels of other posters.

I remember a time when I had one gifted child and a toddler who I didn't know at the time would have SNs. I worried about my first, gifted child being suitably engaged in school, I worried about her learning the life skills she would need to thrive, I worried about all the normal things that most parents worry about, and some of the particular things that parents of gifties worry about.

Then DS's issues made themselves increasingly apparent. While I worried about a lot of the same issues as I had with my daughter, I experienced profound heartache thinking about my son's present and future.

I think raising any child is filled with joy and challenge, and parenting gifties includes unique challenges and worries. But parenting a SN child is qualitatively different IMO.

When they're young, you often don't know what the actual diagnosis/diagnoses is/are. Experts can't help you because they don't know either. You have to navigate bureaucracies. There's usually additional out-of-pocket costs. There's the pressure of all the expertise about remediating in the early years, so there's a big clock ticking away and you're potentially failing your kid. You don't know how your kid's going to do in school, if they'll get invited to birthday parties, if they'll live in your basement into your retirment.

The other thing that I frequently experienced was lots of kind hearted people minimizing what was happening - because they didn't want to hurt me, because it was awkward, because they didn't want it to be true. This wasn't the support I needed, and made me feel like our struggles and worries were not significant, when they actually preoccupied much of our lives in various ways.

I have one very good friend who has a child who's friends with my son. She has never said "poor you" to me. She has never minimized our struggles or compared them to her own. She has problem solved with me as I've weighed options. She's included my son and been kind to both of us. She has pointed out DS's successes when she's noticed them, in a normal "way to go" friend way. She has phoned me up and told me about a resource she's found. She has echoed what she hears me saying emotionally, so I've felt heard. I know that she absolutely understands my genuine fears for my son, that they are qualitatively different than the worries she has for her children or I have for my daughter.

I think the profound difference is the word I used above - heartache. My gifted daughter is going through a stereotypical risk for gifted kids - she completely checked out academically. We've had to make dramatic changes, and I've worried and fretted. But I've had faith that it will work out in the end, that we'll have a rough patch and we'll have to continue to be mindful.

Parenting my SN child (who is actually 2E) has been a far more heartwrenching experience because I don't have the same faith. He is just more vulnerable and complicated.

Mom to a teenager and a middle schooler.

joensally is offline  
#15 of 19 Old 01-20-2010, 12:06 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,630
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 59 Post(s)
A couple of more thoughts:

Quote:
Originally Posted by PreggieUBA2C View Post
It really has nothing to do with giftedness or developmental delays or development at all, IMO, but rather respect for each person involved in the friendship. It would be difficult to carry on together if she were doing the same thing but between the two of you, right? Or if you have partners, between them.
On one hand I agree with you. Comparing people isn't healthy, and for some parents it almost becomes a competitive sport. It's like some sort of middle school nonsense that we all should have outgrown years and years now playing out with children.

I believe, however, that part of what happens to moms of special needs kids is different. It isn't that they are truly hung up on comparing the kids, it is that they are dealing with the fact that their child is not OK, and sometimes it smacks them in the face really hard. Seeing a typical child or a gifted child is like a smack in the face.

I've felt that way and I've heard other moms of sn kids say the same thing. They are at home, things seem to be getting better, their child makes progress on something important, they feel sorta peaceful. Then they see their child next to a peer and SMACK, they realize, once again, that their child isn't OK.

The way we feel as mothers when our child isn't doing OK is completely different than any other part of life -- you really can't compare the angst the mother a sn child feels with someone who is hung up on who has the biggest house or wears the smallest jeans. We are Mothers, these are our Babies, and they are not doing OK. It is scary and sad in ways that nothing else in life is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexsam View Post
That she hasn't come to a "peace" with it all
It's been over 11 years since we first realized that DD's development is off. I've had isolated moments of peace about it -- moments when I truly feel that she is exactly the way she is supposed to be for what she is here to do and learn this lifetime and that I'm the right mother for her. Those moments are fleeting.

My child struggles with things that come naturally to others. She has sensory issues that make normal life stressful for her. She is not capable of normal interactions with others. She is at high risk for being sexual assaulted. She might not ever live on her own. She is unable to enjoy many simple things that most people do. She is bright enough to realize that she is different, so she struggles with depression.

I don't feel peace about any of that.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#16 of 19 Old 01-20-2010, 02:31 PM
 
karne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,623
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
It's been over 11 years since we first realized that DD's development is off. I've had isolated moments of peace about it -- moments when I truly feel that she is exactly the way she is supposed to be for what she is here to do and learn this lifetime and that I'm the right mother for her. Those moments are fleeting.

My child struggles with things that come naturally to others. She has sensory issues that make normal life stressful for her. She is not capable of normal interactions with others. She is at high risk for being sexual assaulted. She might not ever live on her own. She is unable to enjoy many simple things that most people do. She is bright enough to realize that she is different, so she struggles with depression.

I don't feel peace about any of that.
karne is offline  
#17 of 19 Old 01-20-2010, 03:01 PM
 
GoBecGo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3,596
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My friend's DS has some kind of autism. My DD is no longer advanced enough to be gifted-seeming, but she is advanced (it's hard to know where our influence begins and ends if that makes sense) and mostly in the areas where he is not (speech and language, motor skills).

We talk a lot about it. I listen to her while she worries or vents. I commiserate with her and celebrate with her. Honestly i am tearing up as i write this, i cannot tell you how lucky i feel to know them. She is a wonderful mother i learn from every. single. day. and he is just a JOY to be around. And i tell them so. She has 2 other kiddo's, both wonderful, and i really love them all. I always joke that if she ever died her DH would have to get an injunction against me because i love them so much i'd be there all the time mama-ing them.

I try really hard to put myself in her shoes. My DD suffers for her skills in some ways - she finds it harder to relate to peers than adults and is already being judged as "too big for her boots" when she shares (genuine) knowledge with those who are older and think they know better. BUt that is incredibly subtle in comparison to only a handful of people being able to understand you when you speak! I really sympathise with her, her DS's future is a big giant unknown, whereas there's no reason my DD's could not follow a relatively middle-of-the-road path. I too tend to focus on what i perceive as the (incredible) strengths he has - unable to speak much he can make anyone of any age smile within minutes of meeting them. He has the maths abilities of a 6 or 7 year old (he's 3). He is capable of incredible affection. He has a mischievous heart and a cheeky manner and is irresistible in a way i see many adult women fall for in adult men. I don't know if his future will be easy but i cannot believe it will be lonely, he is truly an irresistible personality. He lives in his own world a lot of the time, but i am fascinated by that world and love it when he lets me in for a spell (usually through number play).

I haven't talked about it too much with his mum, i know she knows i love him, and i tell her whenever he moves me how much and why. We do sometimes compare the kids, but i guess because she knows so consciously how much i appreciate him, it's always the idle comparison - he is so tall just now, she STILL won't get dressed after going to the toilet, he is obsessed with his crayons, so is she...and so on.

None of this helps i guess, since our situations are probably different. How close are you to her? Can you talk to her about this? Can you communicate to her how much you value her and her kid/s?
GoBecGo is offline  
#18 of 19 Old 01-24-2010, 01:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
alexsam's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 3,276
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm just coming back to read a bunch of the posts... Before I finish, I just want to say that meant "no big deal" in terms of the boys and their differences to each other in their friendship and for us in our friendship. It *is* "no big deal" to the kids (they get along great) and it is certainly "no big deal" in our friendship.

OF COURSE it is a big deal in her life. I would not, in any way, discourage her from seeing what is there and addressing it or minimizing or even comparing our struggles. And I know that there are her own emotional responses that are totally legit.

Hopefully that is more clear now?
alexsam is offline  
#19 of 19 Old 01-24-2010, 01:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
alexsam's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 3,276
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
I believe, however, that part of what happens to moms of special needs kids is different. It isn't that they are truly hung up on comparing the kids, it is that they are dealing with the fact that their child is not OK, and sometimes it smacks them in the face really hard. Seeing a typical child or a gifted child is like a smack in the face.

I've felt that way and I've heard other moms of sn kids say the same thing. They are at home, things seem to be getting better, their child makes progress on something important, they feel sorta peaceful. Then they see their child next to a peer and SMACK, they realize, once again, that their child isn't OK.
THIS is exactly what is happening. And it wouldn't happen so hard or often if we didn't have the giftedness in the mix. THAT is what I want to say to her (sort of..).


I've also been on Mothering long enough to know that this thread is caught in a no-win situation now . Things are so kind of "in the moment" with her at this point and I've not really been able to describe things well here for this touchy subject, so I think whatever I will say will have some sort of fault within it that will get picked apart because some conversations (especially when words come hard) need to happen IRL. I've worked in special ed for 15 years. I've been close with kids who have hard roads ahead of them. I would never minimize her struggle. I just don't think it is productive for anyone in this situation to compare her son to mine because they both have out-of-the-norm things going on and it makes me feel bad. But I apparently don't have the words to describe that well. I don't think I've done a very good job with this thread.

So, I think I will quietly take my leave. No offense, no hard feelings. I totally get what you all are saying and I agree. I would not recommend to anyone either to tell a mom of a SN kids that it is "no big deal" either (though, that's not really what I meant). I guess I'm just not really able to describe it (or myself) well enough, so maybe I'll try again in the future if it seems that I have something more clear and specific...
alexsam is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off