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am I nuts to think of limiting DD1's time with books?

1K views 19 replies 17 participants last post by  Sleepymamaov2 
#1 ·
First off-- I've never really posted here, because I don't actually know that DD1 is "gifted" in any strict sense of the word. Certainly, she's a bright kid, but I've never really entertained the idea that she's more than just that. But we have this issue that I thought maybe the mamas on here would best understand.

What she is is a precocious reader. This may be the result of an intersection of being reasonably bright, combined with her environment and experience-- DH and I are both hardcore bibliophiles. She's grown up in a house where there are books on all topics, up to her ears. She spent a lot of her babyhood and toddlerhood literally paddling around in piles of books. We read a LOT, during all parts of the day, and books have loomed large in her life. So it's not surprising she reads well.

She's six years and three months old. At this point, I'm roughly hazarding that her decoding skills might hover around a ninth grade level. Her vocabulary and comprehension significantly lag behind that level, of course, but because she's reading so MUCH, they're growing by leaps and bounds too.

Here's the issue, though, that I need advice about. I don't have a balanced view of this, because I am such a reader myself. She's reading, at this point, so much that it's interfering with the rest of her life. This morning, she missed her school bus, because she wouldn't put down her book. She's staying up really really late at night, reading under the covers, and I'm having to drag her out of bed in the morning. She comes to meals with books. She stays in from playing with the neighborhood kids, to read. She reads in church. I have to physically take the books away, to keep her from bringing them to Sunday School. She reads in the car. Her clothes aren't in the hamper, and her cat isn't fed, because she's reading all the time. She snaps at anyone who speaks to her, because she doesn't want her reading interrupted. It's starting to be a big deal in our house.

I've managed to lay down rules that we don't read while crossing the street, or in parking lots, for obvious safety reasons-- she's going to get run down by a truck. I think she understood THAT one clearly, and she's mostly cooperating. But we're having huge fights at least several times a week, and often much, much more often, about her needing to put her book down to do the necessary other things she needs to do.

I want her to read, if it brings her joy. Heck, sure, I do. And I feel like it's "crazy" to BAN reading, when I spend my professional life (I'm a reading specialist-- I work privately with struggling readers and their families) advocating for parents to PUSH reading. But I feel like we're in an insane situation.

So I guess the advice I'm looking for is:
1. Do we limit reading? Or am I crazy, and I should just let her read, because obviously reading is such a good thing. People IRL look at me like I've lost my gourd, when I talk about limiting reading.

2. What do you think reasonable rules about this would look like? I don't want to be arbitrary and controlling- I just want to help her learn a little bit about balance. DH and I read, sure, but we also get our work done, and do the other things that are part of a healthy lifestyle.

I feel stupid asking this, really. If you were asking me about limiting TV, or video games, I get that. I would know right what to do. But I never thought I'd be thinking about taking away her BOOKS.
 
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#3 ·
My eldest was identical at that age. There was a period of time when she was reading up to 1500 pages a day. Reading for up to 18 out of 24 hours. Not always that much, but probably half that much on average, so a lot. One difference was that she was homeschooled.

We chose not to limit her reading. We simply chose to (a) enforce social rules like "no reading when you're entertaining friends" and "no reading at the dinner table because that's family time" and (b) to have expectations that there would be no reading unless certain responsibilities were dealt with first eg. no reading after dinner until violin practicing has been done or no reading after lunch unless the eggs have been collected from the hens.

My dd also struggled with transitions, so we worked on a lot of stragies for that. Twenty minute warnings, ten minute warnings, stop at the next chapter (put an elastic around the book so that the page can't be turned easily at that point without thinking). That sort of thing.

It took about 9 months for the incredible awesomeness of being able to devour challenging YA-level novels to begin to become less incredibly awesome. Gradually after that her reading settled down to more manageable levels ... and she began to fit other interests back into her life.

Good luck!

Miranda
 
#4 ·
i was that kid, and my mom did limit my reading time. i actually got up in the middle of the night to "go to the toilet" just for an excuse to turn a light on and read some more because i wasn't allowed to read after a certain time. in my view, i get why my mom did it... it was interfering with my social and academic life, and probably family life too, BUT, that said, it was definitely a phase. i can still read a book cover to cover faster than anyone i know, but by the time i was out of elementary school, the intense need to read read read to the exclusion of anything else was pretty much gone.

you can set some limits if you like: books down after a certain point at night, no books at the dinner table, no books at a certain time so that chores can be done.

it's like anything else... children don't have the executive brain functions to balance different activities throughout their day, it's your job as a parent to set limits when one thing is getting in the way of a balanced lifestyle. i think that setting time limits makes it more firm and less arbitrary (i.e no reading after 9 pm, or no reading between 4-5pm) rather than just expecting her to stop because you said so.

however, if you choose not to limit reading, she WILL get over it. you won't damage her love for reading by setting gentle limits, nor by letting her carry on. she will probably always be a bookish sort, but at some point, she will realize the answers to the universe aren't only in books, and that you eventually have to DO something with all those ideas and concepts floating around in your brain, which necessitates putting the book down and doing something else.
 
#5 ·
Interesting, my DS is only 23mos (and not reading yet, I read to him!) but I have already had to limit reading quite a bit. We got to a story hour almost every day (sometimes twice a day) and spend hours at the library reading and then he'll come home & want to read for several more hours... if he had his way, we would do nothing but read, ALL.DAY.LONG. Obviously since he is so young, it's easier for us to limit it a bit (I have lots of tricks up my sleeve!) so we're in a different situation, but I do want you to know that it's not crazy to want to limit reading when it's truly interfering with your child's life, and you're not the only one!

I was an... enthusiastic... reader myself until partway through middle school when I developed a richer social life... I still love to read & continue to go through phases during which reading really does consume me. My parents didn't limit my reading directly, but they did encourage other things -- after school activities, going to play outside, etc. I have no idea if these were deliberate attempts to get me to read less or not but they were semi-effective... I do remember them trying to turn the lights out so I wouldn't read in bed but they gave that up quickly since it didn't work!!

Anyway... I would avoid the arbitrary rules as the pp mentioned -- but some circumstances might require limitations. I personally wouldn't be OK with my kid read during church... unless maybe it was the Bible... or at the dinner table. I wouldn't necessarily say "no reading 'til your chores are done" but maybe schedule time for her chores -- so from 3-4pm she does chores (but she can read or whatever if she finishes early. Same thing with getting ready for school, she needs to focus on her tasks during that time, but she can bring the book on the bus to read. I cannot stand when I'm reading or otherwise concentrating and someone interrupts me to talk to me. What kinds of things are you trying to talk to her about? Can she have a certain part of the day where no one is allowed to interrupt her? Just some thoughts...
 
#6 ·
I wouldn't think of this as limiting reading, but making sure that the other things she needs to do get done, and obeying certain social niceties. If she wants to spend all of her free time reading, fine. But if reading is interfering with dinner, not OK. Interfering with her chores? Nope.

I like the suggestions that previous posters have had. We've had to limit dd's reading after bedtime because it has been interfering with her getting up in the morning. I'm trying to figure out if I need to limit it during church time or not.
 
#7 ·
I had to make a "No reading while hanging from the trapeze" rule.
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Actually, she's backed off from that level...I think school takes some of the desire to read nonstop out of her. Hmm.

Anyway, I would definitely not allow reading during sleep times, at the table, or if responsibilities were left undone. Rudeness about being interrupted would get a response, too. I think in general this is something to handle through making rules about the habit, not restricting the time spent. However, I do insist on outside time every day, too.
 
#8 ·
With one of my DDs, we made rules like no reading at dinner, books can be read in the car but then must be left in the car, mommy gets the book you are reading when it is time for lights out, etc.

"Her clothes aren't in the hamper, and her cat isn't fed, because she's reading all the time. She snaps at anyone who speaks to her, because she doesn't want her reading interrupted. It's starting to be a big deal in our house."

None of this is OK. Life is all about balance. There is NOTHING that we do that is so wonderful that creatures we've taken responsibility for should go hungry, and possibly the most important character trait comes down to how we treat other humans. Rather than focusing on the reading, focus on the other things, on helping her become a well rounded person. I think that not setting some boundaries because reading is so wonderful is just letting her get away with bad behavior. It isn't helpful to her.

I think that if you and your DH both get really clear on when reading is a fine option and when it's not, and let tell her, she'll come around to some boundaries fairly easily. The only gray area I see in your post is the "not going out to play with other kids." There were times that I felt my DD should go outside, but I let her take her book. I can see other parents requiring the book stay inside. But nothing else you list is even a gray area *to me.*

And I recommend not talking to all your friends about it. They don't get it. n
 
#9 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

And I recommend not talking to all your friends about it. They don't get it. n
Yeah, this is becoming very clear to me.

Thank you all for your feedback. I kinda knew you ladies would maybe understand. DH and DD1 and I sat down and talked about this last night, and I think we've arrived at something we can all live with. I also got some advice from the Religious Education director at the church, about the reading in church thing. Here's what we've come up with:
1. No books at the table for breakfast on a school day (because it makes her take too long to eat), and no books at the dinner table, because it's the only time in the day the whole family is together. I don't mind if she reads at breakfast and lunch on the weekends.
2. I will go out of my way to leave her alone when she's reading-- won't interrupt for anything but very important reasons-- but her jobs need to be done first, and if I DO have to speak to her for something important, she cannot be snarky and sarcastic. Furthermore, her younger siblings are too young to understand why she keeps woofing at them all the time just for talking to her-- if she wants privacy, she can go sit on her bed, and I will prevent the little ones from bothering her. But if she's in the playroom or the kitchen, I can't stop them from talking to her and she cannot keep making them cry.
3. She cannot read during church, UNLESS it's a week when there's no children's program, and she is staying in the adult service for the sermon. She can read during the sermon, if she stays for the whole service, because that's over an hour, and it's a lot to ask of her in terms of attention.
4. If she misses the bus again because of the books, and I have to drive her to school, which is a huge production for me because I have to get the little ones and me dressed and into the van through the snow and ice--- if all that happens again, then she will be barred from reading when she gets home from school that day, until the next day. She cannot keep taking advantage of me that way.
5. Reading ends at 9 pm. It is not fair for me to have to drag a cranky, miserable kid out of bed each morning.

We also reiterated what we've talked about many times before-- that I am willing to bring her home, and we can homeschool, if that's what she wants, but that once she chooses that, we can't keep changing our minds. Going to school was her decision, and she wants to go. But if she wants to go, she cannot just go when she feels like it, and stay home when she feels like it. She needs to decide. It's becoming clear that this is the root of our getting-to-school issues, really. She reasserted that she wants to be at school, and that's how we wound up with #4.

I've decided no to try and control how she spends her time, otherwise. She can read all day if she wants, once her responsibilities are taken care of. I worry about the fresh-air-and-exercise thing, but I recognize that I cannot get involved in dictating how she spends her time, once her responsibilities are taken care of.

I'm feeling satisfied with all this, and so is DH. She's ticked off about some parts of it, but I am not too worried about that.
 
#11 ·
My dd would read almost 24-7 if we would let her. (She's 13 now, but started reading voraciously at 4.) So there are times she can't read: when it's bedtime, when it's mealtime, when she's crossing the street (yes, literally we've had to say this), when she has homework to get done, etc. And yes, there are times I say things like, "Put your book down and go outside and play with your brother!"

I make sure there's a balance, but she still manages to get a ton of reading in every day.
 
#12 ·
I haven't gotten to read all of the responses, but I have to respond, because I have almost started this same thread a couple of times!

My dd is almost 9, and we have opted to limit her reading at times. It was interfering with her interacting with friends and family, as well as keeping her from getting enough physical activity. I was really torn, because this really hard core, constant reading corresponded with a cross country move. Dd left behind her friends, school, and neighborhood. Reading has been a real comfort. She was a serious reader before, but it did intensify after the move. By intense, I mean that it is not unusual for her to read five 200+ page books in a weekend. I came to realize that escapism in any form can go too far. My mom let me watch TV for hours on end when I was a kid and I wish she hadn't.

We have few set rules, other than no reading at the dinner table. She does know that if she is reading when she still has homework to do, it will result in the book being taken away. Also, if it is a beautiful day, or we are doing something out in the yard as a family, I ask her to take a break from her book. This has actually caused surprisingly little conflict so far.
 
#13 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by moominmamma View Post

We chose not to limit her reading. We simply chose to (a) enforce social rules like "no reading when you're entertaining friends" and "no reading at the dinner table because that's family time" and (b) to have expectations that there would be no reading unless certain responsibilities were dealt with first eg. no reading after dinner until violin practicing has been done or no reading after lunch unless the eggs have been collected from the hens.

My dd also struggled with transitions, so we worked on a lot of stragies for that. Twenty minute warnings, ten minute warnings, stop at the next chapter (put an elastic around the book so that the page can't be turned easily at that point without thinking). That sort of thing.
This is what I would do - it doesn't frame reading as "bad" - it just fits it into real life.
 
#15 ·
To the OP ... I was exactly the same way as a child. We took wagon loads of books home from the library each week, and I ate them up as if my life depended on it. I remember once when I was eight my mother scrimped and saved so I could buy a half dozen novels to take with us on a holiday across the country. She told me to ration them, but as soon as I was on the plane and seated away from her with my grandma who didn't know better, I started reading, and by the time we landed five hours later, I'd read them all. That is the only time that I remember my mother being frustrated about my reading. We had to go beg a library membership from the town where my uncle lived so that I had enough to read for the holiday. I had library cards for the libraries in my father's town, my grandma's town, and my auntie's town, so that when I visited, my suitcase wouldn't be full of books.

My mother's only rule was no reading at the dinner table. I was allowed to read at breakfast and lunch though.

And no reading while walking, because of safety, especially as I was a daydreamy child at the best of times.

I was even allowed to read at night in the car on roadtrips by the light of the cars behind us and passing streetlights and exit ramp lights!

I went on to become a published writer of ten novels for teens ... so I enthusiastically say don't limit! Or if you do, keep the rules very minimal!

My mother is visiting tonight, so I just asked her about this, and she reminded me that I was also allowed to read as late into the night as I wanted to, so long as I didn't have any trouble getting up for school in the morning.

Enjoy your little bookworm!
 
#16 ·
Don't limit her unless reading endangers her (crossing the street)! She is "absorbing" it all right now. I don't know how else to put it. If she keeps going like this a lot of things will be easier for her when she gets older, especially if she decides to go to college or graduate school. Who knows? Maybe she will end up becoming a published writer. ;)

Of course, it is true that she shouldn't be rude when interrupted or leave her chores undone. Unfortunately, I still leave things undone because I want to read. I honestly am not sure if that is a bad thing.
 
#17 ·
I was that kid too. And I still am in some respects, though I do manage to not read while eating or stay up to late. But reading is still one of my all time most favourite activities. My mom tried to limit me by a) banning reading at the table b) making me write a book report for each book I read to try to slow me down. c) banning reading while walking down the street/crossing the street. B didn't really work. A&C worked to some extent, but it was an uphill battle. I also use to monopolize our one bathroom!

I think the limits you have described sound reasonable, and I think some of what you are describing is a behaviour rather than a reading issue...(i.e snarkiness etc.). Sounds like you are on the right track though! Good luck!
 
#18 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Calliope84 View Post

Don't limit her unless reading endangers her (crossing the street)! She is "absorbing" it all right now. I don't know how else to put it. If she keeps going like this a lot of things will be easier for her when she gets older, especially if she decides to go to college or graduate school.
I disagree. Kids like this are going to be awesome little readers even if they have some limits. My DD was reading on college level before the end of elementary school. That part is just going to happen.

It's our job as mothers to help our children become balanced people, and part of that is setting reasonable boundaries. It's really far more important to me how my children treat themselves and others than how smart they are, and any time our parenting is influenced in a way that lets our kids get away with bad behavior in hopes that they'll do better in grad school, I think we've lost sight of what is important.

Learning to carry on a conversation and be polite is important, so not allowing a child to read and the dinner table and requiring they be polite to family members is basic stuff.

I think the guidelines the OPer came up with are very reasonable.
 
#19 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I disagree. Kids like this are going to be awesome little readers even if they have some limits. My DD was reading on college level before the end of elementary school. That part is just going to happen.

It's our job as mothers to help our children become balanced people, and part of that is setting reasonable boundaries.
Yup, I agree. In the grand scheme of things it was more important for my DD to learn the skills of self-regulation and social propriety than it was to learn whatever she learned from spending an extra 20 minutes reading through family dinner hour.

Miranda
 
#20 ·
I agree, as well. BALANCE and REGULATION are vital skills to learn now so that she becomes a well-rounded, healthy adult that can manage time well. I was that kid as well and used to read continuously all day and all through the night. I would just get so absorbed that I didn't want to put any book down until it was finished. I was snappy as well if interrupted. Unfortunately, my parents worked opposite shifts so they were often sleeping during this time and couldn't rein me in. I became a troublemaking, rebellious teen. (I just hope that doesn't come to bite me back one day! ) Also now, I have the worst sleeping habits as a regular night owl. Great for having babies that don't sleep through the night, though! :) But bad for any normal 9-5 job. :( My time management has been horrible most of my life but has improved since having to take care of a toddler and infant (plus husband) simultaneously. Good thing that the babies force me to be on a schedule. Anyhoo, putting her on a reading schedule so that she can function as a normal and productive teen shouldn't damper her love for reading. If anything, it'll make her appreciate it even more! Good luck! :)
 
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