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#31 of 54 Old 03-11-2013, 12:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by serenbat View Post

well again, it's not true for everyone

 

my DS is 5, and my gifted DD is now in her 20's and actually when she was in college programs years a head of her peers, it was an issue for several parents- been here already and dealt with parents for years

 

my DD won a national award at young age and it was publicized, more parents in our circle knew about her and no, it did not stop in the teen years

 

Haha, then all I can say is surround yourself with a higher quality of people! In our area, after about 2nd grade, you don't spend much time with other parents. By middle school, parents aren't even working in the class. They are no longer standing outside picking up their children and comparing notes. Outside of occasional "hi" to other band parents at a concert, there isn't much dialogue outside of some mutual praise for the collective performance. My kids are in a theatre program and I often am the volunteer coordinator. I am around a ton of parents but it's rare to be discussing the particulars of your child's academic career. At most, you'll get a "where does your child go to school?" and maybe some questions on the merit of the program if they are looking for a change. Seriously, you can have as much or as little contact with other parents as you want.

 

My eldest started a college program at 15. I don't know any of the parents of her college classmates. DD says it's a rare person that even knows she's younger so what would they have to say let alone bug ME about? Let alone their parents? A friends child started college at 12 and she had zilch interaction with the parents of her DD's classmates. What could they say to her with no contact? DD's won national awards too and outside of congrats, no one bugs her or me about it. Sometimes we'll get a stranger recognizing the kids from a show they were in but hardly drilling us. Besides, DD has several friends who have won national awards or working professionally at young ages. I have some close friends with teens but we don't sit around discussing SAT scores... why would we? And why would I hang our with people who do? Those people are crazy and so we keep our distance. We stay humble and positive and find that the vast majority are the same right back to us.

 

When your kids are little, you feel trapped with negative people because the alternative is the isolation of a new mother. You are worried about plenty of things yourself so you involve yourself in those sorts of discussions in hopes to find answers. Your kids get older and you are released from having to sit in someone else's house while the kids play. You can go to coffee with a friend instead of sit in a playground with whoever is there that day. You can have concerns without desiring the validation of the random people in your life.

 

I'm sorry it hasn't gotten better for you but maybe it's time for a different approach or outlook on the matter. Maybe you are focusing too much on how your kids are different and it's coloring the reactions you are getting from others.

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#32 of 54 Old 03-11-2013, 01:54 PM
 
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 In our area, after about 2nd grade, you don't spend much time with other parents.

Actually I didn't find this at all - my friends all had kids at the same time and I'm still friends with them - so it never stopped.

We had tons on interaction via clubs and prior to the kids driving we were around other parents a tons of time and even after that - parents get together with just other parents, no kids around. I find it odd you don't interact with other parents.

 

 

 

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My eldest started a college program at 15. I don't know any of the parents of her college classmates. DD says it's a rare person that even knows she's younger so what would they have to say let alone bug ME about? Let alone their parents? A friends child started college at 12 and she had zilch interaction with the parents of her DD's classmates. What could they say to her with no contact? DD's won national awards too and outside of congrats, no one bugs her or me about it. Sometimes we'll get a stranger recognizing the kids from a show they were in but hardly drilling us. Besides, DD has several friends who have won national awards or working professionally at young ages. I have some close friends with teens but we don't sit around discussing SAT scores... why would we? And why would I hang our with people who do? Those people are crazy and so we keep our distance. We stay humble and positive and find that the vast majority are the same right back to us.

 

Again, I have found the complete opposite. Parents/grandparents do talk a lot a their children, what they are doing, what award they won, what SAT score they got and like I said, college is a BIG deal in my area- IRL people talk about their children a lot, a whole lot- all walks of people, all different circles- frankly sometimes this can be better to hear instead of them talking about themselves and what promotion they just got

 

 

I find things tend to go a certain way- when they are young, it's more stunned, next it's just king of an out of the ordinary and most people don't know what to make of it, when they start to read (if early) there is skepticism, when the other children are reading and yours is quite advances, the comments turn to reading level, this lasts awhile, when the other parents find out they comprehend it turns to your child being the "rare" one, when things become more of a divide and the contrast is wider and more pronounced, some adults look (and make comments) that your child is sooooo different (and they "worry" how your child will fit in - this is also the time well meaning adults will look far and wide to find "flaws" in your child) as your child ages, and they do fit in and the divide widnes even farther, some other parents just stop bringing it up (later these are the ones that tend to have selective memory lapse), your child reaches adulthood and the other adults still continue to make comments, many turn to money and judge bases on amount and also career choices - along the way you find some adults that actually will give meaningful complements (care and understand) and will see your child for who they are, some never come to terms with it (they will see their children vs yours at every turn they can) - and this is just in regards to adults, not how other children treat children........IMO

 

 

 

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I'm sorry it hasn't gotten better for you but maybe it's time for a different approach or outlook on the matter. Maybe you are focusing too much on how your kids are different and it's coloring the reactions you are getting from others.

this has gotten far worse, as in strangers - they think nothing of assuming you are causing this in young children and they are now very vocal in letting you know how they feel you are parenting! 

pushing, flash cards, TV programs to make your child smarter - the assumption you are "causing" - it can be the  topic among the uninformed strangers - those you run into waiting in line at the grocery store, appointments and even in restaurants 

 

I'm not focusing on how different my child is- I have counted how many times I have had comments on his taking as a toddler (because it was so unusual to hear it SO MANY TIMES) and like other parents have said - when you go on an outing and it's more than 2 comments, like in the zoo with 4, it's not longer you focusing, it's others - and it sticks out!

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#33 of 54 Old 03-11-2013, 02:29 PM
 
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I agree with everyone else who said that it gets better with age. Before all the kids are fluently reading the assumption is that differences relate to abilities. After all the kids are reading, writing, and speaking well the assumption is that differences are simply interest and no one thinks much of it. Also as kids get older siblings often enter the mix and parents start getting a lot more comfortable with the fact that all kids develop differently and in their own time because they can easily see differences even among their own kids. 

 

As for the situation where your kid did something that you were just making a big deal out of their kid doing I'd have simply smiled and said that it's always special when a child learns a new skill no matter who else knows how to do it. 

 

I do remember the awkward moments and I agree with the poster who mentioned that the discussion at child centered events is weird at the best of times. I find that I rarely ever walk away from a conversation even know at my kids events and feel I had much in common with the other parents. That problem is that it’s all social small talk. I don’t really enjoy it much.  


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#34 of 54 Old 03-11-2013, 02:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, this thread has caught fire, so I'm not sure I can keep up with everyone I wanted to quote, but I'll try. smile.gif

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Originally Posted by pek64 View Post

It's a shame that the insecurities of some parents cause them to say things that make others feel awkward. I don't have any real advice. Just commiseration. Just do what you can to keep the impact to your feelings to a minimum. You are not responsible for how they feel, unless you are doing something to hurt them in the first place. And having a conversation while eating lunch doesn't count as trying to hurt them.

Thank you for this, pek64.  This is something I am working on - oddly, it's something I've struggled with my entire life, and now it's on another front with my son.

 

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5 is still little, still in the "oh my gosh, is my kid going to be OK" stage for parents. At 5, a child reading novels is on a different planet from a child learning 3 letter sight words. At 8, outside of disability, everyone is reading fluently and only the kooky parent stresses about what level other kids are reading at. As long as their report cards tell them their kids are where they should be in math, they don't worry about where your child is. Your child becomes the exception, not the model.

 

Parents start to care more about how their children are doing socially. They start seeing how your child talks as a liability as opposed to a strength. Tables turn and they can start feeling sorry for your kid who may not fit so neatly.

 

Parents start to see their own child pull forward in their own areas of interest. Your kid will be allowed to be great in math because theirs will be great at baseball, for example.... and it will happen. Giftedness can make young children seem "best at everything" but it's not something they can maintain as advanced skill building requires more and more time and focus. You just can't do it all.

 

Like Miranda said, your own kids get better at maneuvering. They can recognize that space is their own passion and it's silly to expect every other child to be able to talk about it!

 

At 16 and 12, *I* don't have issues dealing with parents in regards to giftedness and haven't since early elementary. There is an occasional crazy but for the most part, any questions are pure curiosity without any of the "OMG, is my kid OK" drama.

I think (or I hope) there is some truth to this for normal people who just have a normal level of first-time parent anxiety.  I hope as kids age and their own strengths and personalities become more apparent, parents will tune into that and appreciate them more for who they are.  I'm not sure the "feeling sorry" part is totally benevolent, though - I do think some parents get a little glee out of pointing out a gifted child's perceived "flaws."  As for the whole "best at everything" problem - I got this (even from good friends) all the way through college (i.e., this is MY major, why do you have to come into MY program and run the show, you're good at x, y, and z too, go do that!), so while I see your point about specialization, I'm not sure it always drops off.  greensad.gif

 

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Originally Posted by moominmamma View Post

Recognition of achievement doesn't stop, obviously. But I don't see that as a social problem that invites competitiveness and insecurity in other parents, or causes others to imply that your child is abnormal in some scary way that should be a source of concern. Someone congratulates you on your teen's award and you say "thank you, we're very proud" or "we're so happy that she seems to have found something she's passionate about" the same way you would if she had won a gymnastics competition or a public speaking award or some such. 

 

Miranda

I want to live where you live. orngbiggrin.gif  Or at the very least, I think we need to try hard to cultivate the kind of social circle that would be supportive in those instances.  Giftedness is not uncommon in my large, extended family, and I feel like that is one of the few places I can breathe a little easier.


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#35 of 54 Old 03-11-2013, 03:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I also find that it is getting more conspicuous as DD gets older (she's 5). For example, we spent the day at the Zoo yesterday, and we had 4 sets of strangers comment on something she did. The first time, she was reading the placard in front of the lions, and they couldn't believe she could read at all, let alone as fast as she was reading it, and words like 'savannah' and 'grasslands'. This happened at a couple of different animal exhibits, always "I can't believe she's reading that!" type comments.

 

The second time, she overheard another adult call the chimpanzees monkeys; she turned to me and said (quite loudly): "They're not monkeys, they're apes. RIght, mom? Monkeys have tails." This was overheard by everyone in our vicinity, including the person who called the chimps monkeys. blush.gif

 

We also had someone walking ahead of us who was obviously eavesdropping on our conversation, lol. They turned around at one point and told Maya she had quite an impressive vocabulary for such a small person. 

 

At least everyone was nice. Except for the chimp monkey lady, who gave me a death stare, but I don't really blame her for that. goodvibes.gif

 

I just wanted to let you know how much I love this story smile.gif - and yes, this is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about, and that I've become used to with DS, although with perfect strangers it's a little easier (we can just escape, and talk about it later if need be).  So far, they also seem to be better intentioned, and there's not the drama of an ongoing relationship.


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#36 of 54 Old 03-11-2013, 03:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This describes my parents to a T. It drives me nuts, and actually gets worse the older I get! "Our son-in-law the doctor, blah, blah blah"...and "our grand-daughter was teaching us Spanish, blah, blah, blah", and "can you believe that so and so's child (who is in their 20's) still hasn't finished nursing school" and so on and so forth. duh.gif

I can absolutely relate to this.  I have a constant problem with my father, who is forever saying things like "Oh, DS did that at 20 months?  Well, YOU did that at 18 months!" and repeatedly STRONGLY implying that my child is "not as impressive."  In spite of being a not-so-awesome parent (to put it mildly), he constantly bragged about my accomplishments as if they reflected on him and made him "better" - but that's getting OT. orngtongue.gif  Suffice it to say, that type is not foreign to me.

 

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Originally Posted by serenbat View Post

Actually I didn't find this at all - my friends all had kids at the same time and I'm still friends with them - so it never stopped.

We had tons on interaction via clubs and prior to the kids driving we were around other parents a tons of time and even after that - parents get together with just other parents, no kids around. I find it odd you don't interact with other parents.

 

This is a main concern of mine.  That this is not going to go away any time soon, because of enduring relationships with the same people (one of whom has, in the past, made completely unprovoked, snarky comments about my intelligence in front of me - so I don't think it will go differently with our children, unfortunately).

 

I find things tend to go a certain way- when they are young, it's more stunned, next it's just king of an out of the ordinary and most people don't know what to make of it, when they start to read (if early) there is skepticism, when the other children are reading and yours is quite advances, the comments turn to reading level, this lasts awhile, when the other parents find out they comprehend it turns to your child being the "rare" one, when things become more of a divide and the contrast is wider and more pronounced, some adults look (and make comments) that your child is sooooo different (and they "worry" how your child will fit in - this is also the time well meaning adults will look far and wide to find "flaws" in your child) as your child ages, and they do fit in and the divide widnes even farther, some other parents just stop bringing it up (later these are the ones that tend to have selective memory lapse), your child reaches adulthood and the other adults still continue to make comments, many turn to money and judge bases on amount and also career choices - along the way you find some adults that actually will give meaningful complements (care and understand) and will see your child for who they are, some never come to terms with it (they will see their children vs yours at every turn they can) - and this is just in regards to adults, not how other children treat children........IMO

 

this has gotten far worse, as in strangers - they think nothing of assuming you are causing this in young children and they are now very vocal in letting you know how they feel you are parenting! 

pushing, flash cards, TV programs to make your child smarter - the assumption you are "causing" - it can be the  topic among the uninformed strangers - those you run into waiting in line at the grocery store, appointments and even in restaurants 

 

All of this - I can totally see this panning out (again, I need to work on my circle somehow).  So when a child is old enough to understand, does anyone have tips for how to handle this (in the moment, after the fact)?  How to not make them feel so self-conscious and ostracized (like I always felt)?


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#37 of 54 Old 03-12-2013, 03:19 PM
 
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I think that a good part of why it gets better too is that we as parents become more confident in our own parenting of our gifted kiddos. My husband and I couldn't help but laugh at the difference in our reactions to some comments on our son over time. My son skipped 1st grade 4 years ago. At the time of the skip I remember feeling so uncomfortable and just not knowing what to say when people asked questions. For example I remember getting so flustered when a friends grandma found out about the skip and went on and on to my son about how smart he must be. I remember sitting at a baseball game and a parent asking me my son's age and then wanting to know why his grade didn't match the other kids on the team and stumbling through a vague answer.

 

Compare that too last Monday when my son's boyscout leader had the following conversation with my husband:

scout leader - So T is only 9?

husband - yep.

scout leader - But he's a 5th grader?

husband - yep.

scout leader - Isn't that unusual?

husband - yep.

scout leader - well he completed all his cub-scout requirements so I suppose that's fine.

He did later find the scout leader and ask if my son's age was a problem and explain that he had skipped 1st grade.

 

With time we've simply become more confident in our own decisions and our own parenting and quite frankly see no need to explain anything to anyone. When we do we explain it in a very factual manner.

 

I can't really see how that helps you in the here. If someone had told me the same thing 4-5 years ago I would have just felt like they were criticizing me for not being confident enough. I want to assure that I am not doing so. 

 

 

You may also find that as time goes on your kids tend to created their own social circle of friends who are pretty amazing individuals. Once kids get a bit older and their own personalities shine through it's a lot easier to have a conversation about other kids strengths. Plus you may find that you kid ends up with a group of friends who are also gifted. The kids tend to gravitate towards other kids they have the most in common with.

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#38 of 54 Old 03-12-2013, 03:50 PM
 
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Confidence aside, it has been my experience that the years between 1 and 3 are the "peak years" for odd stranger and parent comments. There is something about the transition from babbling babe to talking toddler and when and how that transition happens that reveals something profound about our children, or at least that is how many parents seem to feel. And the difference between two toddlers, both not yet two, one going "uh uh" as he's trying to take the pretzel and yours saying "don't take that pretzel! It's my pretzel! Mama, I've told him it's my pretzel and I don't want him to take it, but he didn't listen!" is much more stark and "in your face" than the difference between a child at 5 who reads and another who doesn't. At least a 5yo who is made to feel uncomfortable by others' comments has the choice to stop reading aloud in front of others. A highly verbal toddler won't stop talking!

 

As kids get older, you also have much more choice about what information you want to share and with whom. Sure, if it's some kind of public reward - but it's not like you have to tell others their grades or IQs or whatever, or that the special program at the school in the other disctrict you felt was a better fit is actually a gifted program.

 

Our problem tended to be a bit different after a while - DS1 was very tall for his age, had thick wavy hair, not wispy toddler hair, liked to dress "well" (turtleneck sweaters, shirts, vests, dark sweaters rather than character sweatshirts) and and not only had the grammar and vocabulary, but also the tone of a much older kid - and if properly fed, rested and entertained, even the comportment. So unless there was a reason for his age to come up, people would think he was 4 and treat him accordingly. And oh, the looks we got when he turned on a full blown normal-for-a-two-year-old tantrum! I sometimes felt like printing it on his forehead! "He's two! I swear!"

 

Agree with the advice that sometimes you have to look carefully at the adults you surround yourself with (this, too, gets a little easier as they grow older) and you may have to live with some people distancing yourselves from you because they just can't stand the comparison. And if people have more than one, and of very differing abilities, it does help with understanding that a child's unusual development is not something you just create. The older they get, the more you realize what you can't control. People who don't realize that at all won't make good friends anyway in the long run.

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#39 of 54 Old 03-14-2013, 08:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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With time we've simply become more confident in our own decisions and our own parenting and quite frankly see no need to explain anything to anyone. When we do we explain it in a very factual manner.

 

I can't really see how that helps you in the here. If someone had told me the same thing 4-5 years ago I would have just felt like they were criticizing me for not being confident enough. I want to assure that I am not doing so. 

 

You may also find that as time goes on your kids tend to created their own social circle of friends who are pretty amazing individuals. Once kids get a bit older and their own personalities shine through it's a lot easier to have a conversation about other kids strengths. Plus you may find that you kid ends up with a group of friends who are also gifted. The kids tend to gravitate towards other kids they have the most in common with.

Yes!  I think this is where I want to be, ultimately.  I want to be able to respond in a straightforward way, not spazz out fearing other people's sensitivities.  I want to be honest, not diminish DS, but not come across as obnoxious, either.  And it seems to me that that type of confident response is key.  You aren't in any way denying your kid is who he is, in fact you're normalizing it by responding so simply.  I think that's something even parents of little ones can strive for.  Thank you!

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Our problem tended to be a bit different after a while - DS1 was very tall for his age, had thick wavy hair, not wispy toddler hair, liked to dress "well" (turtleneck sweaters, shirts, vests, dark sweaters rather than character sweatshirts) and and not only had the grammar and vocabulary, but also the tone of a much older kid - and if properly fed, rested and entertained, even the comportment. So unless there was a reason for his age to come up, people would think he was 4 and treat him accordingly. And oh, the looks we got when he turned on a full blown normal-for-a-two-year-old tantrum! I sometimes felt like printing it on his forehead! "He's two! I swear!"

 

Agree with the advice that sometimes you have to look carefully at the adults you surround yourself with (this, too, gets a little easier as they grow older) and you may have to live with some people distancing yourselves from you because they just can't stand the comparison. And if people have more than one, and of very differing abilities, it does help with understanding that a child's unusual development is not something you just create. The older they get, the more you realize what you can't control. People who don't realize that at all won't make good friends anyway in the long run.

This cracked me up, because we are in a similar situation (DS is a super big kid, often mistaken for 3 or 4) - but if you added in the grown-up clothes, etc. we'd really be in for it! smile.gif  It does buffer some of the comments with strangers - until they ask how old he is.  I think monitoring and diversifying our friendships is a good idea.  I'm hopeful (I keep saying this, as if to make it true! dust.gif) that some of this will dissipate with time, experience, and the arrival of new babies.  I do want to be careful, though - for DS' sake, and the messages he may take in from it.


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#40 of 54 Old 03-14-2013, 03:09 PM
 
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 As for the whole "best at everything" problem - I got this (even from good friends) all the way through college (i.e., this is MY major, why do you have to come into MY program and run the show, you're good at x, y, and z too, go do that!), so while I see your point about specialization, I'm not sure it always drops off.  greensad.gif

 

 

Again, I think it all comes back to who you surround yourself with. When I was in college, I was a natural in science but my boyfriend had published his first of a few articles in a major magazine by 15-years-old on a project he developed. I was always a strong musician but a dear friend was playing in the professional symphony before college. Sure, if I had limited myself to the company of my own rural community, I might have felt like the best all through high school. The same seems to hold for my kids. They have friends who performed on Broadway, playing in a professional band, been commissioned to paint a mural, winning all sorts of accolades in areas they chose to pursue seriously. We don't know any kids who have reached those levels of accomplishments without study and focus and certainly no children who did all those things. It's easy to think no one will ever surpass your child in any way if you don't surround them with equals. Once you start branching out and finding your own tribe, you'll start feeling like your own child is not so different after all.

 

The world can be as positive or malicious as you want it. You can't assume that your kids will still have these struggles in college because you had one insecure friend. Like another poster said, HUGE difference between someone saying "wow, I heard your DD won the spelling bee... that's great" and people digging for dirt, seeing your child as a freak, or insecure about their own kids. There are people who relish being the outcast, that take pleasure in having a kid no one understands. I don't think that's you... so stay positive and have some faith in humanity. There are lots more wonderful people who will love your kid than hate them.


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#41 of 54 Old 03-14-2013, 04:41 PM
 
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Again, I think it all comes back to who you surround yourself with Once you start branching out and finding your own tribe, you'll start feeling like your own child is not so different after all.

 

The world can be as positive or malicious as you want it.  so stay positive and have some faith in humanity. There are lots more wonderful people who will love your kid than hate them.

 

 

I think these are great words of wisdom.

 

I am quirky, my friends are all kinda quirky. Anyone that was not happy with who I was, simply was not someone I wanted to be friends with......and my kids are quirky. They have found peers and classmates that enjoy them for them : quirks and all. It is all about finding people that accept you & your kids for the whole sum of their 'person'. 

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#42 of 54 Old 03-14-2013, 08:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Again, I think it all comes back to who you surround yourself with. When I was in college, I was a natural in science but my boyfriend had published his first of a few articles in a major magazine by 15-years-old on a project he developed. I was always a strong musician but a dear friend was playing in the professional symphony before college. Sure, if I had limited myself to the company of my own rural community, I might have felt like the best all through high school. The same seems to hold for my kids. They have friends who performed on Broadway, playing in a professional band, been commissioned to paint a mural, winning all sorts of accolades in areas they chose to pursue seriously. We don't know any kids who have reached those levels of accomplishments without study and focus and certainly no children who did all those things. It's easy to think no one will ever surpass your child in any way if you don't surround them with equals. Once you start branching out and finding your own tribe, you'll start feeling like your own child is not so different after all.

 

The world can be as positive or malicious as you want it. You can't assume that your kids will still have these struggles in college because you had one insecure friend. Like another poster said, HUGE difference between someone saying "wow, I heard your DD won the spelling bee... that's great" and people digging for dirt, seeing your child as a freak, or insecure about their own kids. There are people who relish being the outcast, that take pleasure in having a kid no one understands. I don't think that's you... so stay positive and have some faith in humanity. There are lots more wonderful people who will love your kid than hate them.

 

Thank you for this.  First off, I want to be sure I didn't come off as some crazy egomaniac with that comment.  Wherever I've gone, I tended to be a big fish in a small pond for sure - and that is nothing terribly special (in fact it's overwhelmingly sad - feeling utterly unchallenged, unfulfilled and yet still unaccepted by peers).  This thread has made me realize that my own experiences are, perhaps, coloring my big picture fears - or, at least, informing my ideas of what my responsibilities are to help my kid.  I've struggled with attention from others and how to walk that line with friends my entire life.  I didn't have, as a child nor as an adult, a supportive community of people who were rock stars at their areas of interest, like you described.  I have always felt like a misfit (certainly not something I revel in) - so perhaps that makes me more sensitive to these awkward situations with other parents.  I squirm for myself and for him.  Again, I think building simple confidence is great advice, for the both of us - faith that it will all work out, that we can be who we are, that people are mostly awesome, that I will somehow find resources and "birds of a feather" for him - those things are definitely part of that. 


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#43 of 54 Old 03-15-2013, 11:01 AM
 
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also remember to not get too far ahead of yourself

 

when you child pipes ups and defends himself to the comments made by others, you no longer will need to winky.gif


 

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#44 of 54 Old 03-15-2013, 03:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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also remember to not get too far ahead of yourself

 

when you child pipes ups and defends himself to the comments made by others, you no longer will need to winky.gif

 

ROTFLMAO.gif Thank you for that!  I take things so seriously...but DS already puts me in my place regularly, so clearly I shouldn't worry too much. smile.gif

 

We just got back from the playground and things went great.  Yes, he was noticed, but I managed to both hit that simple, casual response level AND avoid having to tell other parents his age, which was great.  In spite of that, I thought of Katieco's comments because 1.) I just realized how whacked out my perception of "normal" is, and 2.) parents were REALLY pressuring their kids to use their words after hearing DS talk (but in all fairness, they may do that anyway!). No weirdness.

 

DS loves all kids, it's so cute - as usual, he would just hold cheerful, one-sided conversations with his age-mates, and enjoyed playing with the kindergartners as well. thumb.gif


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#45 of 54 Old 06-09-2013, 05:13 AM
 
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I know this is an old post but I wanted to say thanks to everyone for all the tips. This is something I'm really struggling with re my 20mo. I need to get much better at dealing with it. In the moment i make the mistake of mentioning a negative to deal with it 'she was a late walker' etc and to try to make the other person feel more comfortable, but I know that's the wrong response. Especially now as she is so much more aware of everything that is said around her.
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#46 of 54 Old 06-09-2013, 08:29 AM
 
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Here is a related blog post I've seen about this issue that explores it a bit more. I wish it had more solutions than just outlining the problem. However, it was a pretty comprehensive look at some of the issues associated with these types of interactions.

 

Envy and Giftedness: Are We Underestimating the Effects of Envy?

http://microscopesareprudent.wordpress.com/


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#47 of 54 Old 06-09-2013, 01:22 PM
 
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Here is a related blog post I've seen about this issue that explores it a bit more. I wish it had more solutions than just outlining the problem. However, it was a pretty comprehensive look at some of the issues associated with these types of interactions.

 

Envy and Giftedness: Are We Underestimating the Effects of Envy?

http://microscopesareprudent.wordpress.com/

ahhhhhhh........ it's so SAD- those who know it are stuck with it (and she really did cover it all) and those who should really read it won't!! the post was so true - thanks for posting it

 

in many of the sections mentioned, you are simply damned it you do, damned if you don't open your mouth (or your child opens theirs) reality for most

 

the writer does not offer much (as you said) on solutions and really fails to mentions almost nothing a parent says about their gifted child is welcomed by other some parents - I often get the feeling that it's just shut up on so many topics and IRL I have found that some other parents LOVE it when they can find something your child can not do (or to perfection!) and they think nothing of pointed it our directly to your child as well


 

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#48 of 54 Old 06-10-2013, 04:55 PM
 
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So I've been thinking about this a fair bit ( after the weekend's visit to the craft markets and every single person we had interactions with commenting on my 20 month old's speech and those with young kids looking shocked and us all feeling awkward ). Maybe the answer is to just accept the compliment then say something like 'they all have their strengths don't they' then if possible a compliment for the other person's kid 'yours is so social/ coordinated/ etc' - which would give ''mrs I'm so sick of hearing about your gifted kid' a chance to talk about her kind child and change the focus. Although I don't know how that would work with the comments aimed at older kids.
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#49 of 54 Old 06-12-2013, 11:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know this is an old post but I wanted to say thanks to everyone for all the tips. This is something I'm really struggling with re my 20mo. I need to get much better at dealing with it. In the moment i make the mistake of mentioning a negative to deal with it 'she was a late walker' etc and to try to make the other person feel more comfortable, but I know that's the wrong response. Especially now as she is so much more aware of everything that is said around her.

I'm actually glad you resurrected it - we've hit another bunch of this lately at the playground and around town, and while I'm more comfortable with it than I was before this thread, it's good to review. thumb.gif  I do still have to bit my tongue when I'm about to say something deprecating - and you're absolutely right, the main reason I do it is because I know he is 100% aware of everything I say - listening and internalizing my messages.

 

After this thread, I strive to just be comfortable, casual and confident.  I want DS to be at home with his abilities, in his own skin - so that is how I try to act, to model it for him - and as a bonus, it's the best balm for putting other parents at some level of ease (though realizing it's not my fault and not my duty to try to soothe everyone's fears and anxieties helps tremendously - he is who he is - as long as I'm *not* being some pretentious snob or braggart about it, as long as I keep it polite and simple, I can't worry too much about other people - it's out of my control).

 

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So I've been thinking about this a fair bit ( after the weekend's visit to the craft markets and every single person we had interactions with commenting on my 20 month old's speech and those with young kids looking shocked and us all feeling awkward ). Maybe the answer is to just accept the compliment then say something like 'they all have their strengths don't they' then if possible a compliment for the other person's kid 'yours is so social/ coordinated/ etc' - which would give ''mrs I'm so sick of hearing about your gifted kid' a chance to talk about her kind child and change the focus. Although I don't know how that would work with the comments aimed at older kids.

I think this was mentioned as a potential strategy, and is one I do use sometimes to shift focus, on occasions where it feels natural to do so (the child is currently demonstrating a talent, or did recently).  It can seem obvious, forced, or even pitying, if it doesn't flow, though.  And then there's the issue of, I say, "hey your kid is awesome at xyz!" and they say "oh but yours is so good at that, TOO..." - ykwim? wild.gif (I think I may have mentioned this happening upthread)


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#50 of 54 Old 06-12-2013, 11:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I realize that wasn't totally practical advice - I guess I just smile and say something like, "oh yes, he's always been a chatterbox!" (advanced speech) or "yes, he's super tall for his age, you're right" (physical size) or "oh yes he's our busy, climbing monkey!" (gross motor), increasingly, just smile - let them run through their spiel , smile, nod, or say thank you if it makes sense to - but silence tends to have a "pass the bean dip" effect - or I'll take advantage of the pause to ask a question and switch gears myself.


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#51 of 54 Old 06-12-2013, 11:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Here is a related blog post I've seen about this issue that explores it a bit more. I wish it had more solutions than just outlining the problem. However, it was a pretty comprehensive look at some of the issues associated with these types of interactions.

 

Envy and Giftedness: Are We Underestimating the Effects of Envy?

http://microscopesareprudent.wordpress.com/

 

I agree, I wish it did more than just outlining the issues, but it does a remarkable job of doing so.  I wish I had read this as a kid - it might have spared me at least a little heartache to have this understanding of where others were coming from and why they were making my life miserable. greensad.gif


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#52 of 54 Old 06-13-2013, 10:23 AM
 
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I agree, I wish it did more than just outlining the issues, but it does a remarkable job of doing so.  I wish I had read this as a kid - it might have spared me at least a little heartache to have this understanding of where others were coming from and why they were making my life miserable. greensad.gif


Yeah, I had a lot of people making me miserable as a kid too, and I didn't understand it, so I internalized it.  It was basically the story of the article--underachievement, because people didn't like that I was so high above them.  But now my perspective is so different.  I wish I could tell everyone they need to be supportive  of highly gifted people.  Being nasty to a gifted person is like shooting yourself in the foot, because gifted people will take technology, science, medicine, art, music, whatever up to the next level where everyone in society benefits.  Unless that gifted person gets so abused that they wallow in underachievement and never do anything. 

 

Even as a kid, I had adults be obnoxious to me, for what I NOW understand was insecurity/jealousy.  I guess it seems offensive to adults when a kid is smarter than they are.  There is an assumption of hierarchy of adults above kids, which 99.9% of the time is true, but what can a grown up make of it when a kid turns the tables?  Anecdote:  My mom cleaned rich people's houses and I worked with her in the summer during high school.  It came up in a conversation with a client that I earned a full scholarship to a prestigious private school.  The homeowner seemed miffed or something, which I can now interpret:  she was wealthy and raised her kids (a couple years older than me) with every advantage and opportunity and they didn't win any prestigious scholarships.  There was me, the daughter of her cleaning lady (my mom is obviously a few IQ points below average, really), just a ragamuffin raised in poverty.  Who do I think I am winning scholarships???  The homeowner made sure her kids had every opportunity and advantage and they couldn't accomplish what I had.  Cue jealousy and insecurity. 

 

I now have a plan if anyone makes inappropriate comments about me being smarter than them.  If someone says, even sort of joking, "I hate you," for being smarter.  My response is to assume higher authority and say, "I need you to do the best you can."  It says I still accept them as they are, I want the best for them, and from them, and kind of makes them feel like a jerk for saying something like that to me in the first place, which they should feel. Jealousy happens when two people are assumed to be equal, but one has more.  I am not equal to a lot of people, so I need to make it clear where I stand.  When the two people both accept they are not equals, there is no conflict.  Average Joe is not jealous of or nasty to Einstein, or a university professor, or his physician. 

 

"I need you to do the best you can!"  I can really deliver it with some venom built up over so many years of abuse.  I am no longer putting up with anyone's sh!t. 


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#53 of 54 Old 06-13-2013, 10:43 AM
 
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Yeah, I had a lot of people making me miserable as a kid too, and I didn't understand it, so I internalized it.  It was basically the story of the article--underachievement, because people didn't like that I was so high above them.  But now my perspective is so different.  I wish I could tell everyone they need to be supportive  of highly gifted people.  Being nasty to a gifted person is like shooting yourself in the foot, because gifted people will take technology, science, medicine, art, music, whatever up to the next level where everyone in society benefits.  Unless that gifted person gets so abused that they wallow in underachievement and never do anything. 

 

Even as a kid, I had adults be obnoxious to me, for what I NOW understand was insecurity/jealousy.  I guess it seems offensive to adults when a kid is smarter than they are.  There is an assumption of hierarchy of adults above kids, which 99.9% of the time is true, but what can a grown up make of it when a kid turns the tables?  Anecdote:  My mom cleaned rich people's houses and I worked with her in the summer during high school.  It came up in a conversation with a client that I earned a full scholarship to a prestigious private school.  The homeowner seemed miffed or something, which I can now interpret:  she was wealthy and raised her kids (a couple years older than me) with every advantage and opportunity and they didn't win any prestigious scholarships.  There was me, the daughter of her cleaning lady (my mom is obviously a few IQ points below average, really), just a ragamuffin raised in poverty.  Who do I think I am winning scholarships???  The homeowner made sure her kids had every opportunity and advantage and they couldn't accomplish what I had.  Cue jealousy and insecurity. 

 

I now have a plan if anyone makes inappropriate comments about me being smarter than them.  If someone says, even sort of joking, "I hate you," for being smarter.  My response is to assume higher authority and say, "I need you to do the best you can."  It says I still accept them as they are, I want the best for them, and from them, and kind of makes them feel like a jerk for saying something like that to me in the first place, which they should feel. Jealousy happens when two people are assumed to be equal, but one has more.  I am not equal to a lot of people, so I need to make it clear where I stand.  When the two people both accept they are not equals, there is no conflict.  Average Joe is not jealous of or nasty to Einstein, or a university professor, or his physician. 

 

"I need you to do the best you can!"  I can really deliver it with some venom built up over so many years of abuse.  I am no longer putting up with anyone's sh!t. 

all that you wrote is very true but I would add to this -  When the two people both accept they are not equals, there is no conflict.  They don't necessarily want you as a friend either, thus no conflict because most won't deal on personal level with you, many of marriages have failed because not being equal does not work for all. This often is the case with children on children too, often with younger children because of their parents lack of desire. greensad.gif


 

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#54 of 54 Old 06-15-2013, 08:22 PM
 
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Yeah, have few friends because I'm fed up with people's lack of depth.  It's my fault, or maybe nobody's fault.  But I don't want friends who don't get it anyway.  After so many years of not finding soul food in friendships, I have no problem weeding people out. 
 

serenbat, I don't understand your last sentence at all. 


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