Gifted 4 year old emotional issues - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 10 Old 06-29-2013, 09:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
ColoradoMama626's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 135
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Our 4 year old was tested and found to be highly gifted. We did not bring up her emotional issues and quirks bc the testIng was done by the school and we don't want them to involved and I am fearful of a diagnoses so young. They had all very nice things to say about her, with adults she does well.in her school she does very well, she even won a character award but at home she is so rough with our 9 month olds and she won't listen. She is so intense it's like she can't stop herself from hugging the babies to hard or putting her face in theirs. She gets so upset and I don't know if this is just 4 year old? Is this gifted? Is this something else? Would the school iq test have picked up something else? Her school has not mentioned anything and there are twice exceptional kids there. She has so many quirks I feel like I can't go into them all here but at tunes she seems so normal. Any thoughts?
ColoradoMama626 is offline  
#2 of 10 Old 06-30-2013, 01:12 AM
 
Viola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Nevada
Posts: 23,378
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

It's honestly hard to say, i think.  I mean having twins at home is a big thing for a 4 year old, and some children are more aggressive in their displays of affection, but I don't know if you can rule anything out.  I am hoping some other members have more suggestions or experience with this.

Viola is offline  
#3 of 10 Old 07-14-2013, 07:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
ColoradoMama626's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 135
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just curious if there were other thoughts? I posted in the special needs area and it makes me think I should do more testing? But then there also seems to be a huge amount of post about 4 year olds so I think it could just be the age.
ColoradoMama626 is offline  
#4 of 10 Old 07-16-2013, 10:30 AM
 
CamMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 138
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I've mentioned a few times on this forum that my son was quite difficult as a preschooler. We did ultimately take him to a counselor because of his defiance. It helped us find better strategies for managing his behavior. We discovered that anxiety, hyperfocus, and perfectionism were at the root of many of my son's more extreme scenes. These three traits seem to be common among the gifted and can cause some serious behavior problems. We worked (and are working) long and hard to to help Him understand that he is entitled to his feelings but accountable for his behavior. We saw other "quirks" such some social struggles (finding common ground/ interests with classmates), taking things too personally (hurt feelings), and worry over things that other kids don't really think about.
My thought (for what it's worth) is that a visit with a counselor (not suggesting an evaluation, just interactions with a trained child counselor) might help with some strategies. Although your daughter's behavior is probably related to her intellect, it's not acceptable to play rough with a nine month old, or fail to follow instructions, or become disproportionately upset. Yes, it will likely improve with maturity like my son's behavior improved (he's still challenging at 6 1/2), but if there is a cause like high levels of anxiety, you want to have a handle on it. When we visited with a counselor, I took notes cor a few weeks to share where/when/what circumstances my son had meltdowns.
CamMom is offline  
#5 of 10 Old 07-16-2013, 10:52 AM
 
joensally's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,977
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)


It may be that the difference lies in routines at school, which help her self-regulate.  She also has active models of appropriate behaviour (other kids not getting in trouble when they're behaving).  How much structure does she get at home?  How much physical activity does she get? 

 

I really like the book linked below, with preview - The Out of Sync Child Has Fun.  It's for sensory kids, but the activities help anyone regulate their "engine." 

http://books.google.ca/books?id=JrSiX9ZWxAkC&printsec=frontcover&dq=out+of+sync+child&hl=en&sa=X&ei=1oflUcL0D4eAiwKOqIGoAg&redir_esc=y


Mom to a teenager and a middle schooler.

joensally is offline  
#6 of 10 Old 07-16-2013, 07:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
ColoradoMama626's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 135
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
She does thrive on structure and lists. when I can I try and write up a schedule for the day for her but with the babies sometimes a schedule falls apart and my DD is mad about that. She is a perfectionist and probably has some anxiety which I Feel really guilty about. When I'm stressed with the babies it clearly escalates her negative behaviors which escalates me more etc. etc.

So if we tried counseling would I need a specialist or just anyone? School starts back in 5 weeks and today she was a doll.
She seems to do much better with positive parenting. anytime I even make an angry face sets her off. I seem to be the cause greensad.gif but she always wants to be with me even when she's mad at me.

I do try and make sure she has a physical release but again sometimes it is not as much as it could be. But she does swim, run, ride bike etc.
I just want her to be happy, but obviously she cant get away with hitting.and some of her OCD traits concern me.
Thanks for the insights and replies
ColoradoMama626 is offline  
#7 of 10 Old 07-17-2013, 06:38 PM
 
CamMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 138
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
We saw a counselor that supported the preschool that my son attended. It's a good place to start- they aren't qualified to diagnose anything, but an experienced child psychologist/therapist sees enough children to recommend an evaluation if one is warranted.
The really, really good news is that your daughter isn't having problems at school. It may mean that she a) capable of controlling herself in that environment or b) there is something in the school environment that helps her with self control (e.g. the structure mentioned by joensally).
I actually think it's a mistake to create a lot of structure to avert anxiety. I believe in a loose routine, especially regular meals and bedtime, but a tight structure isn't always possible and can contribute to inflexibility. Maybe that's where a counselor can help- finding ways to help your daughter be more flexible.
As far as her getting upset (tantrums?) my son threw tantrums at age four that could not be topped. We were very concerned- the perfectionism got better with kindergarten, and difficulties transitioning got better at around age five. Also, (yea!) he is able to occupy himself much better with independent play or reading. We are now able to talk more about the "right and wrong" of certain behaviors with some success, and have learned to mitigate power struggles (it takes some creativity).
CamMom is offline  
#8 of 10 Old 07-18-2013, 09:16 AM
 
Tigerle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,375
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)

Ach, I thought I'd replied in your thread as well, but must have gotten it mixed up with the other thread concerning a four-year-old!

 

I'm sure you've checked that one out by now anyway, so I'll try not to be repetitive.

DS1 at four, with DD a baby, was our worst time with him. I shudder to think how we'd have coped with twins. 

Once, after I had described in an older thread all the things we do to keep our family more or less running smoothly, the OPer commented: it's good to be reminded that it's a system, and anything can slip and create havoc. So whenever something throws our family out of balance and the kids freak out, I try to think: is it me? DH? is it something at school? is it the weather? do they need more sleep? is someone getting sick? Have I not paid sufficient attention to diet, exercise, downtime, cuddletime?

So it sounds to me like in your "system", you're the lynchpin and anything that throws you emotionally out of balance, your daughter picks up, gets anxious about, and acts in whatever way makes sense to her. As CamMom says, anxiety, hyperfocus and perfectionism may be very pronounced in gifted children, and what would make another child 2e might be your daughter's kind of normal. She's doing well in school - if there were anything to be concerned about, particularly about being aggressive with other children, I imagine you'd have heard about it. I'd say: relax about 2e issues for now, and next try not to be too hard on yourself. You're doing power-mothering here, and in my experience (YMMV) this will get a lot better with maturity.

 

 

Quote:
actually think it's a mistake to create a lot of structure to avert anxiety. I believe in a loose routine, especially regular meals and bedtime, but a tight structure isn't always possible and can contribute to inflexibility. Maybe that's where a counselor can help- finding ways to help your daughter be more flexible.

 

I do not think, with two 9 months old, you are in danger of creating too much structure! Sometimes you just need to do what you need to do to get your child's anxiety down, because as long as she's anxious, there is no learning. If YOU feel "this is working well", it's probably okay for her, too.

 

 

Quote:
I do try and make sure she has a physical release but again sometimes it is not as much as it could be. But she does swim, run, ride bike etc.

I have always felt that physical release isn't really what exercise is about for my oldest, but I have always found it hard to put my finger on what helped (playing in the mud, hikes) and what hurt (physical exhaustion, being wound up from gym- or pool-based exercise and noise, stress from classes with expectations). i can't tell where you are, but if you could just go on long walks, with the babies safely stowed away in their double stroller and her on a scooter, to a park where you can pay full attention to her while the babies are asleep, and make it a daily "routine" - it might help a lot.


Mesleepytime.gifDH geek.gif DS1 10/06 drum.gif DD 08/10 notes.gifDS2 10/12babyf.gifwith SB ribbonyellow.gif and cat.gifcat.gif 
Tigerle is offline  
#9 of 10 Old 07-20-2013, 08:52 PM
 
Mom2010's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ca
Posts: 81
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Because I am not sure what all of the "quirks" are, I may be way of base here, but just a thought....   Squeezing too hard and pulling really close to her face sounds to me like she has a strong feeling and wants to display it equally, physically.  She also may be sensing the "love" of others in the house on the 9m olds and trying to "show" that she loves them equally.  I think that it is reasonable to not understand how that would exactly hurt the baby and to be disappointed and frustrated at the outcome at the end.   She may then be following up with an emotional reaction from disappointment. (I'm thinking she probably expects to hear, "your such a great big sister."...and then reacts in disappointment or maybe a little embarrassed).   I think all this is reasonable, and sweet, although it may just be overwhelming in display.    

 

My daughter has SPD and a lot of "quirks", and she doesn't register pressure the same way everyone else does...so she squeezes (and other things) to hard, however in turn loves to be squeezed. If you see similar characteristics in your DD, maybe she really doesn't know she is squeezing so hard, because it really doesn't feel hard to her (brain)? I also imagine my DD would have an emotional "overreaction" to this situation.  My DD has "characteristics that would suggest she might"  have SPD, emotional overexcitablilites, and is unable to self regulate (and ADHD).   All things pretty common in gifted children...and display differently in lots of children.  She now sees an OT and now that I have a "That's what that is" with some of her quirks...(like jumping up and down the hall as hard and slow as possible)...I understand she isn't actually doing that to solely just grate my nerves and get into trouble, it is what her brain needs to calm itself.  We spend time jumping like crazy together, and then I get to practice being quiet together, and just knowing "what that is" has made it so much better.   Your DD "quirks" may be totally different that my DD's and may be nothing or may be something, but if you think something is up, see what her pediatrician thinks.  I understand not wanting to label.  For us it helps to get answers, and OT has helped my DD and family.   Oh, and my DD can be "completely normal and charming" when around everyone else...especially around new people or in new situations/places.  hug2.gif  Hope any of this helps!  GL!


superhero.gifhearts.gifangel1.gif                   flowerkitty.gifdog2.gif dog2.gif             BFPChart2.giffingersx.gifTTC             

                                                           

Mom2010 is offline  
#10 of 10 Old 07-23-2013, 04:19 PM
 
KistheMum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 173
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I think at least part of it is just the age.

 

Our daughter is the same age and we have a baby on the way.  Had some stuff going on in the house within the last week, and the other night she was acting out particularly bad.  I asked her, "Where is my sweet girl?"  She looked at me like I must be a moron to ask such a question and said, "She is in your head."  Spun her dress around and flounced out of the room.

 

Regardless of gifted or not, children are all unique and different.  There is rarely a child who develops exactly according to whatever charts.  Maybe the emotional just has a bit of catching up to do with the intellectual.

 

Also, all people's children generally behave better for other people than their parents.

KistheMum is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off