how do you explain? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 10 Old 01-11-2014, 07:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
mmooneyhan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 15
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It has been very obvious for a long time that my 4yo son is different from other kids. He is more emotional and anxious than others and a little imature. However, he is very social with peers and adults and taught himself to read over a year ago. He now reads on a third grade level. Several months ago someone labeled him as hgh functioning autistic and while it was not anything official some of my close family latched onto that and worry that i am not doing enough to get him services. I have done a good bit of research and have come to the conclusion that he is probably gifted and his social and emotional behavior is typical for gifted children. His pediatrician seems to agree with me but i feel my family's judgement. I try to explain that his brain works differently and yes he needs to learn to cope better but he is typical for a gifted child. Does anyone else have difficulty explaining to family?
mmooneyhan is offline  
#2 of 10 Old 01-12-2014, 03:12 PM
 
pudlenka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: IL
Posts: 168
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If you are able, take him to a developmental neuropsychologist for testing. We were having similar problems with a similar child and family concerns ... And learned that her IQ is extraordinary and likely the cause of her significant social anxiety. Now that everybody gets it, it's easier to work around her needs and help get cope better.

C/S DD ( 9 ), VBAC DD ( 6 ), & a surprise little guy on the way in August '14
pudlenka is offline  
#3 of 10 Old 01-12-2014, 03:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
mmooneyhan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 15
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yeah, we had decided withbour pediatrician to wait to have him evaluated until we needed help with the behavior. We aren't really there yet. For now what we are.doing at home works for the most part. It's just that with the holidays he got out of his routine and acted out his frustrations in front of family and now they don't think i am doing the right thing by waiting. It gets on my nerves and i want everyone to thnk i am the perfect parent.wink1.gif i guess i need to let go of that.
mmooneyhan is offline  
#4 of 10 Old 01-12-2014, 06:27 PM
 
joensally's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,977
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I wouldn't explain.  I don't know the relationship to you of the people making these comments, but I think it's fine to say something like "Thank you for your concern, we've got it."  Repeat.  Not everyone who might be interested needs to a) know the details, or b) have a say in things.

 

Having said that, if these are people who know something about autism and have spent time with your kid, it might be worth a greater investigation than a conversation with a pediatrician, who in most places can't dx autism.  Whatever might explain your child's struggles, if he is struggling with anxiety and emotional regulation, accessing resources could be a good thing.

Flapmonkey likes this.

Mom to a teenager and a middle schooler.

joensally is offline  
#5 of 10 Old 01-17-2014, 11:33 AM
 
nyssaneala's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 344
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mmooneyhan View Post

ISeveral months ago someone labeled him as hgh functioning autistic and while it was not anything official some of my close family latched onto that 

 

Was this a medical professional? Friend? Other family member? That is not a diagnosis that can be made just "off the cuff".

 

If YOU are concerned, I would go to see a specialist, and wouldn't wait. There are also other disorders or issues (SPD, anxiety, auditory processing) that can appear like autism to people who really don't have a clue.


 

I am also a lover of books reading.gif, treehugger treehugger.gif, and occasional soapbox stander! soapbox.gif

 

nyssaneala is offline  
#6 of 10 Old 01-17-2014, 12:01 PM
 
moominmamma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: In the middle of nowhere, at the centre of everything.
Posts: 5,686
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 64 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mmooneyhan View Post

he is typical for a gifted child. 

 

I'm not sure there's any such thing. I have four gifted kids. Two are highly introverted and had some social anxiety though they were never at all socially immature, and two have had absolutely no social difficulties. I think that as much as gifted kids are different from non-gifted kids, they're at least as different from each other. Gifted children are just as likely, or perhaps more likely, than non-gifted kids to have co-existent disabilities. Of course I'm not sure where the unofficial labelling that put him on the autism spectrum came from, but on the assumption that it was from someone with more experience than you with neurotypical and autistic kids ... well, if you have a gut feeling yourself that something's a little 'off,' I would not rationalize that feeling away by reading around about quirky gifted kids until you convince yourself that you don't need to be concerned. 

 

Having said that I think that if your gut (not your rationalizations, but your gut) it telling you that specific interventions are not the right course for your ds right now, it's fine to follow your instincts. Thank people for their concern, tell them that you are not doing anything official for now because you're seeing considerably growth and maturity take root without those interventions, and that you will continue to monitor the situation and keep an open mind about other options. Then pointedly change the subject. If they harp back on their concerns, be firm: "Thank you for your concern. We're comfortable with the path we're on for the time being." Repeat ad lib. "Thank you for your concern. So, have you seen the new Hobbit movie yet?" Create boundaries: don't try to persuade. 

 

Miranda


Mountain mama to three great kids and one great grown-up

moominmamma is online now  
#7 of 10 Old 01-19-2014, 06:35 AM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,636
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 62 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mmooneyhan View Post

It's just that with the holidays he got out of his routine and acted out his frustrations in front of family and now they don't think i am doing the right thing by waiting. It gets on my nerves and i want everyone to thnk i am the perfect parent.wink1.gif i guess i need to let go of that.

 

 

First, I highly recommend you let go of that crap. :wink Part of being a mom is having people think you are doing the wrong thing, sometimes it will be your kid who thinks you are doing the wrong thing!  Finding your own center and resting there is the quest. If you aren't going to feel OK until EVERYONE thinks you are perfect, you will never get to feel OK.

 

BTW, none of us are the perfect parent. So I think that part of finding our center is accepting that perfection isn't a realistic goal. :meditate

 

Back to your child, I have a daughter who is both gifted and on the autism spectrum, and I think that there is a thin gray line between "gifted and quirky" and "on the spectrum but also gifted."  I think that line is drawn by how well a person is able to cope with society's expectations for a person their age, which mean some people look like they are on one side at some stages of their life, and look like they are on the other at other times.

 

I'm going to go through some of your points:

  • He is more emotional and anxious than others. He needs help with this, whatever the cause.
  • and a little imature. Not a sign of giftedness, but can be a sign of all sorts of other things.
  • However, he is very social with peers and adults. Mostly likely not on the spectrum if he is APPROPRIATELY social with PEERS. However, there are all sorts of other things that could be at play, such as sensory issues, NVLD, etc. Deciding he doesn't have autism and therefore doesn't have anything might keep you from really figuring him out, which could cause him to suffer unnecessarily. 
  • and taught himself to read over a year ago. He now reads on a third grade level. Does he understand what he reads? Really understand it? If not, this isn't a good thing.
  • wait to have him evaluated until we needed help with the behavior. Have you checked into how long it will take to get an eval? In some cities, the wait is a year due to an imbalance between demand and qualified practitioners. Based on my experience, waiting until the sh*t hits the fan to start the process MAY be a mistake, depending on the situation in your city. Getting a complete neuro-psychological exam isn't like an eye check or a hearing check that you call and your kid is in the next week. Before you decide to just wait, at least figure out who in your city does these exams and find out what their current wait is like.
  • We aren't really there yet. For now what we are.doing at home works for the most part. What are you doing at home? Is he involved in any programs outside of home (preschool, swim lessons, whatever)? How does that go?

 

I also agree with Miranda that there is no such thing as a typical gifted kid.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#8 of 10 Old 01-19-2014, 07:28 AM
 
sillysapling's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 668
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 26 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

 

  • and taught himself to read over a year ago. He now reads on a third grade level. Does he understand what he reads? Really understand it? If not, this isn't a good thing.

 

Seconding this. I was a very "gifted" reader. I now don't read books. At all. I'm almost positive I got into a nasty skimming habit that made it so I miss about half the content, making it hard to enjoy books. It's not an easy habit to break. I know another "gifted reader" who had the same experience, her family has the tradition of reading books aloud and while she was visiting and her dad was reading Lord of the Rings, she realized that she missed most of it when she had read it. Part of it is because "gifted readers" often get praised for how quickly we read, so people unintentionally encourage us to rush and can even discourage us to take our time ("You're still reading that? I thought you'd be done by now, you're usually such a fast reader..."). There are also contests about who can read the most books in a space and, at least when I was young, Book It! gave you a reward every time you finished X books, again encouraging fast reading not quality reading. It stops being about reading comprehension or reading enjoyment, and starts being about how "fast" we can read.

 

I would definitely make sure that his reading comprehension is also at a 3rd grade level, and continue doing check-ups periodically until he leaves home to make sure he doesn't get into bad habits. Either way, it's not a bad idea to make reading a group activity at least part of the time. Make sure to continue reading to him, and also have him read aloud to you and ask him questions about what's going on to make sure he's engaging with it.


sillysapling is online now  
#9 of 10 Old 01-19-2014, 12:29 PM
 
Tigerle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,377
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)

No there is no one "typical" gifted kid, but there is a pattern that appears to crop up fairly frequently (like in our house, so of course, I'm biased): anxiety, high sensitivty, emotional intensity, sensory processing issues, self-regulation and impulse control problems, appearing immature. And more autistic-looking stuff: tics, repetitive behaviour, obsessive interests, delays in age-appropriate play...at one time, just after DD was born, we began to get very worried about DS1, and when his preschool teachers started getting worried too, we sighed and asked to see a specialist.

A supposedly experienced child psychiatrist was sure that our DS1, then 4, had Aspergers - until they did the whole formal evaluation and he was way off the cutoffs in all the criteria but one (the tics I think) and after that, they just didn't know what to do. Years later, it's so clear he's not autistic, and at the same time clear that there are autistic looking traits that get in his way and we try to help him with that.

I think Linda had a great way to put it  - sometimes the boundaries shift according to what your child needs to cope with at a particular time in life. Preschool was hard, K was better, second grade works fine. When we realized what we did was good enough for DS1 to function in school, that was good enough for us - but of course we had the negative formal eval under our belts.

Like others have said, without knowing who made the "diagnosis" and in what context and which family memebr picked up on it and why they feel it's their call to hassle you, it's hard to say whether it's likely you're in denial or rather that you need to establish firmer boundaries. So, possibly act on both suggestions: get that eval lined up AND get the relations off your back by firmly telling them you're on top of it.


Mesleepytime.gifDH geek.gif DS1 10/06 drum.gif DD 08/10 notes.gifDS2 10/12babyf.gifwith SB ribbonyellow.gif and cat.gifcat.gif 
Tigerle is online now  
#10 of 10 Old 01-28-2014, 03:59 PM
 
amees's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 11
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

I am so glad I found this thread... it is almost like you guys are talking about my son. The school is giving me issues about his behavior. We are trying to get appointment with Neuro developmental specialist. Will he be able to evaluate if he is gifted (his IQ and stuff)??

amees is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off