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Is my child sensitive or just... a brat?

5K views 8 replies 7 participants last post by  Neera 
#1 ·
Hi everyone,

I've been lurking on these forums for quite sometime, though haven't posted. I've suspected my DS4 is gifted for some time, but he hasn't been tested, and thus far I haven't seen any reason to move forward with testing.

Lately he's been acting out of control sensitive... I almost don't know how to explain to the point where you get the full effect or understand my exact frustration, but I don't know if it is his personality, or if he is just spoiled and mad because he's not getting his way. I don't know how to react. I don't want to be insensitive to his feelings if he's really struggling with changes, but I also don't want to give in to his unnecessary/illogical wants if he's just throwing a tantrum to get his way. It makes me feel that I don't know him well at all, and it also makes me afraid to have anyone look after him (babysitter, summer camp, he'll be attending kindergarten in the fall) I'm half-terrified he will be labeled as a "problem" child.

Here are some examples: DD2 had a balloon that was half deflated. She was playing with it and rubbing her hands on it, and it made that rubbery-squealing sound balloons make. DS started screaming, "NO NO I DONT LIKE THAT SOUND, STOP!" Getting really upset. A similar event happened a few days ago, when DD was wearing boots and rubbing/turning the rubber bottoms of the boots against the wood floor, making a similar sound. DS again got so upset.

Some things I can understand his getting upset at, (some examples of these: having to eat carrots that are "too crunchy" instead of cooked carrots, not being able to buy a toy at the toy store, dropping his toy on the floor of the car and not being able to get it back immediately because he can't reach and I am driving and can't get it). Like I said, I can understand the upset reaction, but it's his level of upset-ness that scares me. It's this shrill, screaming, nearly inconsolable cry that lasts a long time. One day last week, he cried in his bed, inconsolable, for 15 minutes because he had thought we were having sushi for dinner, and then found we were not.

In the past, when he was little, he was always really sensitive to stuff: sticky things on his fingers, walking in the sand on the beach in bare feet, walking in the grass in the yard in bare feet, almost any sort of abrupt or unknown sound, other things that I just can't remember. He's not sensitive too these things anymore.

Things he was and is still sensitive to: seeing/walking near/touching dead patches of grass in the summer/spring or the look/feel of dried seaweed when walking on the beach (cries if he touches either on accident when trying to jump over a patch, or if there is too much and he can't get around it), tags in his clothing, etc.

I'm so sorry this is getting very long. My son is very smart and can be very sweet and helpful, but is becoming increasingly headstrong and difficult about getting what he wants or not doing what he doesn't want. He is homeschooled now, and I'm concerned about him starting at public school next year. He did half a year of preschool and had problems, so we took him out.

Overall, I feel like I am failing him and raising an unhappy child and it's making me so sad. :crying: :crying:

Advice? Or maybe I'm just venting, or want someone to say "No advice, but you're not alone." Anything, please.
 
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#2 ·
I'm of the opinion that children behave as well as they are able, given the coping skills and resources at their disposal. If their behaviour is a problem, it is best to identify the cause, and improve the coping skills. Punishing or ignoring the problem because you view it as manipulative is always a bad idea: if kids are manipulating you it's to get unmet needs met in as direct a way as they know how. All of which is my way of saying that your kid is not a brat.

You might read a little about sensory processing. I have a dd, now 16, who is gifted and probably meets the criteria for SPD, not that she's ever been formally diagnosed. She was always a kid who would have meltdowns over clothing labels and annoying sounds and food textures. Her issues were worst around age 3-5, and then improved until adolescence. Now when she's under stress the sensory stuff come to the forefront again. The stress can be external (like, dealing with a difficult roommate while travelling or coping with unexpected change) or internal (like making decisions, or transitioning towards adult independence).

That's not to say that the sensory processing issues are just an expression of stress or are all psychological. Just that certain life transitions can make the unique wiring that these kids have more difficult for them to cope with. So the difficulties wax and wane, and that's normal.

The www.sensorysmartparent.com website may prove helpful for you. I only discovered it recently, and realized that a lot of the things that are listed in the "Sensory Diet" area are things my dd and I have stumbled on ourselves, not realizing they were good "therapy," just noticing that she enjoyed them, chose to do them regularly, and seemed happier afterwards. You may find that focusing on finding appropriate and helpful sensory experiences may help prevent meltdowns. You might also be able to work with your child by debriefing several hours after a meltdown to ask "What finally helped you feel better?" Or "Did rolling yourself up in your blankets feel good?"

Good luck! Oh, and if it's any consolation, my dd's sensory meltdowns are mainly an issue at home. She copes very well at school and out in public.

Miranda
 
#3 ·
I agree with mooninmamma (as usual).


One of my DDs has intense sensory issues as part of being on the autism spectrum. Sensory issues can occur on their own, or as part of another disability. The book I found most helpful when she was little was "The Out of Sync Child" by Kranowitz. There have been several other books written on the subject since then.
The type of specialist to see is an Occupational Therapist. If you have insurance, check into how this would be covered for your child. You can eventually figure out a lot of the same things on your own through trial and error, but getting an OT involved could really cut down the time it takes to figure out what is the right sensory diet for your child.
It is difficult to raise a child with intense challenges. I get it, far better than I wish I did. I wish I had no idea what you are going through....
I think it will help you as you learn more about sensory integration disorder and figure out what sorts of things work for him.
The school question is very complicated. My signature line is about homeschooling. There really are pros and cons to everything. My DD with sensory issues homeschooled until she was 12. She attended a traditional public school for one year. She then attended a private, alternative school until she was 16. She started college at 16.
I now work in a school with special needs children, including children who are mainstreamed. The only kids that I see getting labeled as "problem children" are the ones that are violent toward others. That is really the big behavior that just can't be tolerated. Teachers are becoming more aware of sensory issues because they are becoming more common. If you decide on school, it's possible that his teachers will understand a bit about what is going on for him.
All that being said, sensory issues are the reason my DD couldn't do regular school -- she couldn't cope with the bells and sound of the lockers shutting. She had every accommodations possible (having an autism DX makes it easy to get accommodations) but they couldn't change school enough so that she could cope with being in the building. But some of the things that she couldn't cope with aren't true for Kindergarten.
 
#4 ·
Linda's post made me realize that I should make it clear that my dd was not in school until age 12. I have no idea whether she would have coped as well in school at younger ages. Perhaps not, because while as a teen she avoids freakouts in school, there are many triggers for her there ... but she grits her teeth and does the best she can, and then when she comes home she lets it all hang out. :( I don't know that she would have had the fortitude to hold it together during the day when she was younger.

Miranda
 
#5 ·
I could've written this same post about my 8 yo dd. She has recently been accepted into the school's gifted program but I can't remember how many times I've thought she's a spoiled brat for having so many issues about sounds (whistling), textures (food and yes sea weed on a beach) and bugs....
 
#6 ·
My nephew is acts very similar at times, he is about your sons age. My dd is only 2, but I can tell she is on a similar path. They are Very sensitive, hurt feeling easily, doesn't like being dirty at all, sounds worry her. I have always admired how bil/sil handled parenting him because they are very consistent. We don't hit/scream/whatever under no circumstances. Pay for the crime (time out, say your sorry, do what you were asked) then discuss.
This has worked well with my dd, but the biggest thing is ALWAYS discuss what happened after the drama has passed. When we are calm I have her sit on my lap and I'll ask her what she thinks happened. I will explain why it wasn't ok and how we will do better next time. I will say sorry if I hurt her feelings or faulted her in some way too and tell her I love her. It seems to really help her and my nephew too.
 
#7 ·
In response to what TheBugsMomma wrote, I would love to "pay the crime," then discuss, but sometimes I feel like my daughter doesn't give me an option to "pay the crime." Not always, but sometimes. Won't apologize, would NEVER in a million years go to a time out. We obviously can't discuss in the moment, but I also feel like I can't just ignore bad behavior. I just posted my own thread about this, but HELP! Need more ideas for what to do in the moment
 
#8 ·
My daughter sounds like your son: she shows signs of being both gifted and sensitive. Because she's a highly verbal child, she can often tell my spouse and me what's bothering her, but if it's really overwhelming, she reacts in a *big* way and it takes a while of being held and comforted for her to articulate what set her off.

Here's an example: we were going on our weekly family hike, which she loves, and suddenly she started to scream and refused to continue walking. She'd never reacted that way on a hike before, and neither of us could figure out what was going on, especially as she was inconsolable and not ready to put her distress into words. Finally, after I picked her up and held her a while, I figured out what was happening. It was actually two things. First, the grass was tall and she'd insisted on wearing a dress, so it was tickling her bare legs. Second, there were many millipedes that had gotten crushed (by mountain bike tires, we later discovered), and she was terrified that with every step, she might crush one. Once she became soothed, she was able to find ways to avoid the tallest grass, and we agreed to a painfully slow pace so she could scan the area for millipedes. She also agreed to wear pants while hiking. A few weeks later, she commented, "I like the way the grass looks, but not the way it feels." (One of my favorite things about her is her acceptance of ambiguity, which seems mature in a child her age. The other day, after an upsetting encounter in the playground--she told a bigger kid to stop hitting a tree with a stick, that it was hurting the tree, and the kid didn't take kindly to the intervention--she said, "People can be both nice and mean.")

Raising such a sensitive child is both a joy and hugely challenging. She has intense feelings and doesn't yet know how to regulate them, and she can melt down dramatically, especially when there are like 80,000 witnesses in a public place. I'm sure we've earned more than our share of silent judgments ("how can those parents let that kid get away with screaming like that?") and whispered comments/"suggestions" for discipline. But I don't think she's a brat, and neither is your son. Sometimes, when I'm tired and cranky, I just want to yell at her, "Why can't you just eat slippery foods and like them like other kids do?" or "Why can't you ever be easy and mellow?" Ultimately, I'm delighted that she's the way she is: she doesn't tolerate playground injustice (to trees or other kids); she's a poetic soul and a penetrating questioner. I'm sure that when she gets bigger, she'll learn how to moderate her emotional expression and to cope with sensory interference. For now, I'm doing my best to stay sane while she's at this expressive, "big and loud" age.

I loved what Miranda had to say, so I'll end with her words, which I'd love to share with patients who are at their wits' end with "difficult," "high-strung" kids and get lots of well-meaning but poorly informed guidance meant to discourage their "brattiness." Thanks for the wise words!

I'm of the opinion that children behave as well as they are able, given the coping skills and resources at their disposal. If their behaviour is a problem, it is best to identify the cause, and improve the coping skills. Punishing or ignoring the problem because you view it as manipulative is always a bad idea: if kids are manipulating you it's to get unmet needs met in as direct a way as they know how. All of which is my way of saying that your kid is not a brat.
I hope this helps,

Mar
 
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#9 ·
I loved what Miranda had to say, so I'll end with her words, which I'd love to share with patients who are at their wits' end with "difficult," "high-strung" kids and get lots of well-meaning but poorly informed guidance meant to discourage their "brattiness." Thanks for the wise words!

I hope this helps,

Mar
Sorry, maybe I missed something. but who's Miranda?

Thanks.
 
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