Addressing the Special Needs of Gifted Children, #6 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 776 Old 08-18-2005, 10:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
oldcrunchymom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: On Mulder's Desk
Posts: 2,514
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Time to put the 500-post monster to bed.
oldcrunchymom is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 776 Old 08-18-2005, 01:40 PM
 
mamaverdi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 12,572
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Subscribing.

Sooo....what do you guys do when the child completely melts and starts being insane: biting, kicking, hitting, head-butting, calling names. And in front of government workers?

We just got word that the gifted-talented school here has 2 openings still for primary level AND any child that wants to come to their school and qualifies can come REGARDLESS of ability to pay!!!

We are taking ds1 to see the school today for an open house. And tomorrow we are having the evaluation to see if he qualifies and if he is a good fit for the school.

I know (now) that he's really smart, but I am SOOO nervous about this. I hope he will have a good rapport with the person evaluating him.
mamaverdi is offline  
#3 of 776 Old 08-18-2005, 02:51 PM
 
CAmomto1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Southern California coast
Posts: 321
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I introduced myself on the last thread, but here I am again...

Question - has anyone here had to negotiate with their child's school for advancement in one subject while staying with their age-mates the rest of the day? DD has strengths in math, and is doing at least first grade level math, possibly second grade, depending on whose scope and sequence you look at. She'll be in a K class at a private school this fall, and they use Math Their Way. This curriculum is SO not what DD needs in order to move forward and be challenged. In talking with her future teacher last spring, she assured me that DD would be appropriately challenged, not to worry. (The issue of reading came up as well, as DD can read, too.) Her teacher seemed sincere, but I can't help but wonder if she figured I was just one of 'those' parents who thinks their child is brighter than everyone else's.

Honestly, if I had my way she'd be in a first grade class from the start, but last spring they didn't have any spots, so we accepted the K spot with our fingers crossed that we'd be able to work something out. Now I'm wondering if we've made a big mistake. I love the school in general, from what I've seen and heard about it, and I know that emotionally and socially it's likely a wonderful place for DD to be. But I can't help but also worry about her academic experiences.

Any advice? Do I wait a week, a month, into the year before registering concerns? I'm a worrier by nature and I know this is going to weigh heavily on my mind.

I'd planned on hs'ing, but right now school seems like a better choicce overall for DD. I hope it is - we're giving it a year to see how it goes.

Anyway, I'm rambling. TIA for any help or support.
CAmomto1 is offline  
#4 of 776 Old 08-18-2005, 04:04 PM
 
ChristaN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,159
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We are going to be seeking grade advancement for specific subjects with my older dd this year, too. My plan is to inquire at the start of the year (they're just starting now) as to when they do assessments of children's abilities. I am then going to check back after said assessment and inquire as to what they are planning to do with dd in regard to reading instruction. Unless the teacher is a complete bozo, I am sure that she is going to notice that dd is functioning quite above grade level in that area.

She will be in second grade & is a little advanced in math, but not so much that staying in her regular classroom should be a problem. However, for reading, she is currently reading btwn 7th-8th grade books & I want her pulled out to a gifted reading group or sent to an older grade classroom for that subject (5th would be as high of a grade as she could go b/c that is the oldest grade in the school & I would be okay with that or 4th -- whatever the teachers think is appropriate).

I'm going to have to tread lightly here b/c I am sure that I have a reputation as a pain of a parent from last year (she had an awful teacher last year). None the less, I am not there to win friends for me, just to make sure that the environment is appropriate for dds. With our younger dd, she will be 5 at the end of Sept & is entering kg. She, too, can read a bit and has a pretty good understanding of math concepts, but she is young enough that I am fine with her staying in kg and just seeing what her strengths pan out to be over time.
ChristaN is offline  
#5 of 776 Old 08-18-2005, 04:54 PM
 
OTMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 4,441
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaverdi
Sooo....what do you guys do when the child completely melts and starts being insane: biting, kicking, hitting, head-butting, calling names. And in front of government workers?
My dd has some of those meltdowns. I've found for us the best solution is to remove her to somewhere she can be quiet (such as taking her out of group) and giving her a snack. For some reason, food really calms my dc down. I've also found that if I give her a snack before she gets all the way wound up, it nips it in the bud, so to speak. However, if she is all the way up to insane, I often have to actually give the food to her doll, and tell it to share with her, then I leave her alone with the doll and the food. She eats and is sane again. Although dd is normally a senstive child, being low blood sugar making her a sight from the exorcist! Good luck with the gifted school- thats awsome!

Peace,
Laura

Laura, Mama to Mya 7/02, Ian 6/07 and Anna 8/09
OTMomma is offline  
#6 of 776 Old 08-18-2005, 04:55 PM
 
isisjade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 171
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
.
isisjade is offline  
#7 of 776 Old 08-18-2005, 07:23 PM
 
eilonwy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Lost
Posts: 15,067
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you for starting the new thread, Lisa!

Christa-- don't worry about being the PITA parent. Do what you have to do.

I'm in total agreement about food for meltdowns. BeanBean gets hysterical when his blood sugar is low! He's having a much better time dealing with everything though, now that he's getting an iron supplement regularly. I can't remember the last time he became irrational and I wasn't able to associate it directly with something that he'd seen/heard (Beauty and the Beast ) or with low blood sugar. I only wish that I'd taken diet and nutrition more seriously as a potential cause for such behavior in the past.

I feel like someone has hit me over the head with a two-by-four again. I"m totally exhausted. I guess I'll be having a first trimester ultrasound after all, because I'm so freaking tired that I can well believe that there are two in there. :yawn:

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
eilonwy is offline  
#8 of 776 Old 08-18-2005, 10:12 PM
 
luvmypoonchkie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 105
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sam's trigger food is yellow dye (studies show that as many as 75% of kids have a hyperactive reaction to either red or yellow dye). He seems okay with red, but yellow sends him over the edge, it's almost like he really can't control his actions and regain composure when he's had it. The annoying thing is that it's in EVERYTHING from cereal to vitamins and children's medicines. Blech....

Jenn
luvmypoonchkie is offline  
#9 of 776 Old 08-18-2005, 10:31 PM
 
CAmomto1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Southern California coast
Posts: 321
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChristaN
We are going to be seeking grade advancement for specific subjects with my older dd this year, too. My plan is to inquire at the start of the year (they're just starting now) as to when they do assessments of children's abilities. I am then going to check back after said assessment and inquire as to what they are planning to do with dd in regard to reading instruction. Unless the teacher is a complete bozo, I am sure that she is going to notice that dd is functioning quite above grade level in that area.
That makes sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChristaN
None the less, I am not there to win friends for me, just to make sure that the environment is appropriate for dds.
Exactly - that is my goal as well, and I hope that things will be cooperative and not confrontational or combative in nature.
CAmomto1 is offline  
#10 of 776 Old 08-19-2005, 01:34 AM
 
mamaverdi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 12,572
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmypoonchkie
Sam's trigger food is yellow dye
(Is there a smilie for slapping yourself in the head?)

This reminds me: he had just had a blue lollipop the speech therapist gave him!

ARG...and when I mentioned to the ECI coordinator that he was acting crazy because of the lollipop...she said "Oh he's just acting like a normal 5 year old, and you aren't consistent with him and this is the problem." Um, yeah lady, okay.

But I guess "normal" five year olds are fed Kool-Aid, so go figure.

mv
mamaverdi is offline  
#11 of 776 Old 08-19-2005, 09:26 AM
 
OTMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 4,441
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaverdi
(Is there a smilie for slapping yourself in the head?)
Sure, Here you go

But I have to say at that awful woman for acusing you of bad parenting! I don't know why anyone thinks it is OK to do that!

Laura, Mama to Mya 7/02, Ian 6/07 and Anna 8/09
OTMomma is offline  
#12 of 776 Old 08-19-2005, 11:55 AM
 
TiredX2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: it appears to be a handbasket
Posts: 20,029
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChristaN
We are going to be seeking grade advancement for specific subjects with my older dd this year, too. My plan is to inquire at the start of the year (they're just starting now) as to when they do assessments of children's abilities. I am then going to check back after said assessment and inquire as to what they are planning to do with dd in regard to reading instruction. Unless the teacher is a complete bozo, I am sure that she is going to notice that dd is functioning quite above grade level in that area.
Please keep me updated on how this goes. I'm not concerned for DD but a good friend of her's was academically ready to skip at least a grade but didn't score high enough on the CogAT (by one point) to be put in the full time gifted program (and they don't want to grade skip). Her mom is looking into specific subject advancement for 1st grade and I'd love to know any one elses experiences.

 

 

TiredX2 is offline  
#13 of 776 Old 08-19-2005, 10:48 PM
 
heythere heather's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: California
Posts: 303
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaverdi
Sooo....what do you guys do when the child completely melts and starts being insane: biting, kicking, hitting, head-butting, calling names. And in front of government workers?
I act like I'm completely in control whenever there's a fit in public. Calm, cool, collected. I talk calmly to Erik, and I don't react to his behaviors, or get upset just because there are people around. I play a mental tape in my head "all the people looking? Wow, they're so impressed with how calmly I'm handling this, and they're amazed at how well I can do it." LOL! It really does help take the pressure off, though.
heythere heather is offline  
#14 of 776 Old 08-20-2005, 11:31 AM
 
OTMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 4,441
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm not usually big on parenting books, but I just read "How to talk so kids will listen and Listen so kids will talk" and I got a lot of insight and ideas for new ways to react to dd. I didn't feel like there was a huge revelation- but I really liked having lists of different ways to react, so now if she does A, I don't just have my usual list of ideas, I have 3 more from the book and I can find one that works.

Laura, Mama to Mya 7/02, Ian 6/07 and Anna 8/09
OTMomma is offline  
#15 of 776 Old 08-20-2005, 04:04 PM
 
OTMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 4,441
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I do know what you mean about the intensity! It takes a high level of creativity to deal with it!

Laura, Mama to Mya 7/02, Ian 6/07 and Anna 8/09
OTMomma is offline  
#16 of 776 Old 08-21-2005, 01:27 AM
 
NoHiddenFees's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 2,039
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Dunno how applicable it might be, but I have a friend who recommends Living with the Active Alert Child by Linda S. Budd. Friend's DD is gifted... very creative and active, has always needed little sleep, intensely emotional reactions to frustration (much moreso than a typical 3yo). The first chapter is viewable on Amazon.
NoHiddenFees is offline  
#17 of 776 Old 08-21-2005, 01:32 AM
 
Charles Baudelaire's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 2,882
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi! Just subscribin'...
Charles Baudelaire is offline  
#18 of 776 Old 08-21-2005, 03:46 AM
m&m
 
m&m's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 450
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just wanted to say good luck to all of you who are dealing with the challenges of PS. I hope everything works out in the best way for your dc.

It is nice to know that there are some places where the schools try to accommodate the needs of the gifted student.

As for meltdowsn - yep they are common. And understandable since the brain doesn't even have time before the reaction gets out (like a minuscule fuse LOL ) Good meals, lots of rest, and no stress (deep breathing) can all do wonders.
m&m is offline  
#19 of 776 Old 08-21-2005, 08:21 AM
 
teachma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: My new house!
Posts: 4,572
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Subscribing. We have been on vacation with my ILs for a week. It was a really trying time for my strong-willed ds, for whom everything with dh and grandpa are a power struggle. Nonetheless, we had some fun times...

Britishmum, we had a similar experience to your daugther's mint toothpaste situation whle on vacation. MIL bought ds a sweatshirt; she bought one for each of us. We accepted our sweatshirts and thanked her appropriately, but when she gave ds his shirt, he said, "I hate this sweatshirt" and threw it back at her. I'm not inclined to be embarrassed by my child's behavior, but don't most almost 5 year olds know how to graciously accept gifts...from their GRANDMA??? I understand the minty toothpaste thing more- my son truly can't stand mint and the way it feels in his mouth, so if your dd is like that, it makes sense. However, my son was being completely arbitrary from what I could see. He hadn't even tried the shirt on, so he couldn't have thought it was uncomfortable...
teachma is offline  
#20 of 776 Old 08-21-2005, 06:46 PM
 
Bearsmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 4,628
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi Mamas,
I haven't checked in here in months, but I was thrilled to see that there are still so many good discussions and support going on.

Here's a question that may have been answered before: Any good book reccommendations for dealing with a gifted child? Particularly a young one? Or one that includes resources/etc., for as they approach school age?

My oldest son is 3.7 years and incredibly challenging and incredibly bright. He starts preschool (3 hours/day) this September. I just saw an old neighbor today who said, after watching DS play and run around for a while (and really knowing nothing of our challenges in parenting him), "I have a book for you". And then proceeded to ask me about certain behaviors and whether or not he exhibits them. I said yes to all of them. She has a 12 year old gifted daughter who was incredibly similar as a child and is a gifted kid now.

I have to remind myself of his "specialness" and coming to this thread really, really helps. For some reason, I hate to label, but as the months and years go on, I know that I am dealing with a very gifted boy. BTW, he was talking to the neighbor about plate tectonics. I think that's what tipped her off.

Thanks again for this thread. And if anyone knows a good book, could you please post it? TIA
Bearsmama is offline  
#21 of 776 Old 08-21-2005, 08:41 PM
 
eilonwy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Lost
Posts: 15,067
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
As a child, I honestly didn't know how to accept a gift graciously or well. I tend to be very direct, honest to the point of bluntness, and I've always been this way. As a child (really until I was an older teen, but I've always been socially inept) I could not really wrap my head around the difference between an acceptable and an unacceptable lie. I always thought that the truth was preferable, even if it hurt people. In part, I know that this had something to do with my own personal ability to percieve the truth more readily than my peers, and with my own desire for knowledge and understanding. The way I saw it, lies only really counted as lies if the person listening to them didn't know that they weren't hearing the truth. I was very concerned with truth and justice and fairness, much moreso than with politness.

I guess what I'm saying is, I can relate both to your embarassment as parents and to your childrens' tendancies to express themselves honestly and directly, with little apparent concern for the feelings of those they may offend. I was exactly the same way. I suppose it's lucky that I was rarely given gifts of any kind.

Interestingly, this problem hasn't come up with BeanBean. He's still very young, but he seems to be far more concerned with the way that people feel than he is with the reality of any given situation. His social skills are better developed now than mine were at 14 (honestly; I'm not trying to exagerate about either of us ) and he really seems to empathize with others. He hurts when others are hurt, he wants to make it better. If he were to recieve a gift which he did not enjoy, he might (at this age) make the faux pas of letting his displeasure be known, but he would immediately be aware of the reaction of the person who gave the gift and would probably apologize, if not offer hugs and kisses. He doesn't like to offend people, it hurts him as though he himself was the injured party. I'm not sure where he learned this, I think that it must be part of his own innate personality because he certainly didn't inherit it from me.

I don't think that it's teaching, I really think that it has a lot more to do with a child's inborn personality and their own priorities. For me, it was very important to tell the truth at all costs. I've learned better, and when I'm out and about in public (or even on the net) I make an effort not to hurt people. I'm not great at it, but I try. I have managed to outgrow my tendancy to be blunt, or at least I've learned that bluntness does not always serve as well as a less direct approach might. I think that your kids will get there, too. In the meantime, why don't you try roleplaying? Perhaps actually stepping into the shoes of the people they offended might help them develop better tools for dealing with unwanted gifts.

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
eilonwy is offline  
#22 of 776 Old 08-21-2005, 09:45 PM
 
teachma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: My new house!
Posts: 4,572
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by eilonwy
For me, it was very important to tell the truth at all costs.
YES, this is my ds exactly! He is honest to a fault. For example, he has always told me everything he did "wrong" each day at school, like he needs to confess and get it off his chest or something, or like he would be committing a lie by omission (he also has tremendous gulit, but that could be from being half Catholic and half Jewish- laughing smilie won't work!) He tells me when he thinks people are ugly, and apparently it really bothers him (like the swim teacher at camp, for whom he REFUSED to perform because he couldn't stand to look at her face!) He won't play with a girl at school because he doesn't like the sound of her voice (it is annoying...). He is very attuned to how HE feels, and he can explain it to me easily. But it makes me feel he's kind of shallow sometimes, to hear how he's judging people on external qualities...

Also, this is a big one, he always cries about lying after having accidentally told someone something wrong. For example, this weekend, he came in crying from the backyard and said, "Mom, I lied to someone." When I asked what the lie was, it took forever to extract, and it turned out to be something that happened at school- which ended more than 8 weeks ago! He had accidentally told his teacher that his grandfather was Japanese, when in actuality, he's Chinese. I guess that spending time with Gung-gung brought that memory into his mind, and he felt so upset that he'd "lied." This type of thing had happened before- in his mind, if he says something that isn't true, he lied, and he's going to feel very upset. Now, why he didn't feel at all upset about hitting his 1.5 year old ds in the face with a belt buckle today is just beyond me!
teachma is offline  
#23 of 776 Old 08-21-2005, 11:57 PM
 
mamaverdi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 12,572
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think we tend to forget that a gift entails a debt. If you receive a gift, you are indebted to the person who gives the gift. I remember reading great Norwegian stories about this very topic. Who wants to be indebted to someone for something they detest?



Well, we had ds#1 tested for this school---which was supposed to be great. Hmph. Turns out they (no surprise) exaggerated their own greatness, as well as the generosity of their scholarship program.

He easily qualified for the school which was no surprise really. They seemed quite surprised that for a 5 year old he knew what "indigent" meant. When I gave the guy a look like, of course he knows that, he gave me the definitiion "hobo" I guess thinking that I didn't know the word, not that I didn't know why they were confused. The test-giver said that she was sure he could have done the "high school" words had he not gotten tired and hungry.

It was also no surprise to me, but a surprise to them that he can't add and subtract or read yet. I guess they are used to seeing otherwise. THEN the kicker happened: "Evidently the preschool he has hasn't been academic. And I don't want to scare you, but there are things they can only learn beteween 4 and 7 years of cage, and after that the mind SNAPS shut." Ummmmm HUH?

There was also some nonsense about whole language which I didn't like: "we use phonics to sound out words"; canned cirriculum; and oh yeah "obviously everything he knows is from 'home enrichment'"---Uh doesn't most if not all of our learning come from relevant applications no matter where they occur? :

So we're sending him to the Sudbury school which has just moved into town. I'll leave coercive and fear-based education for others.

mv
mamaverdi is offline  
#24 of 776 Old 08-22-2005, 09:39 AM
 
isisjade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 171
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
[
isisjade is offline  
#25 of 776 Old 08-22-2005, 01:20 PM
 
loraxc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: In the Truffula Trees
Posts: 4,388
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
mamaverdi, what a bummer! I swear, everyone has a different idea about when kids are "supposed" to learn things. Heaven forbid anyone goes outside the box in either direction.

I have a question that's only somewhat gifted-related, but maybe more so than I realize. My husband's father is very ill, and will probably pass away in the next month or two. DD (19 months) saw him quite recently, and though he could barely interact with her (at the time he was still at home, though; now he's in the hospital) she took to him. Since our visit, she has been talking about him a lot. Actually, without sounding like a huge flake, I kind of think she "knows" he's not doing well. We rarely talk about his health issues around her, and when we do, we certainly don't call him "Grandpa"; yet she's been bringing him up constantly, saying "Hug Grandpa" and "Want to see Grandpa" out of nowhere and spontaneously mentioning him as someone she loves. She has only seen him three times in ther whole life, once she was a tiny baby, once at 9 months, and then last month, so it's not as though they have a long-term close relationship, but she is quite aware of who he is and that he is DH's "dada."

I have no idea when and how to approach the idea that Grandpa is ill and will soon be leaving us. Should we wait till he passes away? I am also not sure what to say when we go up for the eventual funeral. Given her memory and understanding, I am 100% certain that if we go up to their house again but Grandpa is absent, she will ask for him and ask where he is, repeatedly. (I see this being very upsetting for Nana and others, too.) What should we tell her? How do we explain death without scaring her or confusing her? I know some gifted kids get very anxious about death when they learn about it. Again, her level of comprehension and understanding is very high, but we haven't talked at all about how bodies work or what sickness is or death.

grateful mother to DD, 1/04, and DS, 2/08

loraxc is offline  
#26 of 776 Old 08-23-2005, 10:55 AM
 
allgirls's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 9,327
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi everyone! Thanks for the fascinating read!

I have a question....this has never happened with my other two children but seems to be with Sophia

Fears...she is extremely fearful and anxious. Day before yesterday there was a whistling sound in the pipes when she flushed...she decided it was a whale and became extremely afraid.(We watched Finding Nemo a few weeks back and she loved it and has been "talking whale" ever since) It was a rough night and although she finally got to sleep for the first time since she moved into her own bed she woke up with bad dreams about a "whale in the house" and came into my bed..no problem, she's really cuddly, then talked(obsessed?)about it all day. She was particularly afraid in the bathroom although she would go if I was right there.

I finally think she understands now that whales live in the ocean and we are far away from the ocean and have warned her siblings not to mention that her grandparents all live within a few metres of the ocean or we may never be able to go!

I had to get a map out..show her where we live, and where whales live and the obsession seems to have faded somewhat(it was an obsession..she was upset and jumpy all day)

This is just an example...every few days she finds a new fear and becomes extremely focussed on it until somehow we manage to explain it away.

She is still absolutely petrified of the vacuum cleaner(of course I am not fond of it myself and may be projecting :LOL )

Any experience with anything like this?

On the plus side, I am so glad she is verbal...I can't imagine how she would be if she had the same fears and I had no idea what the problem was!
allgirls is offline  
#27 of 776 Old 08-23-2005, 01:10 PM
 
BoyGirlTwinsAPMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: NY
Posts: 133
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by loraxc
My husband's father is very ill, and will probably pass away in the next month or two. DD (19 months) saw him quite recently, and though he could barely interact with her (at the time he was still at home, though; now he's in the hospital) she took to him. Since our visit, she has been talking about him a lot. Actually, without sounding like a huge flake, I kind of think she "knows" he's not doing well. We rarely talk about his health issues around her, and when we do, we certainly don't call him "Grandpa"; yet she's been bringing him up constantly, saying "Hug Grandpa" and "Want to see Grandpa" out of nowhere and spontaneously mentioning him as someone she loves. She has only seen him three times in ther whole life, once she was a tiny baby, once at 9 months, and then last month, so it's not as though they have a long-term close relationship, but she is quite aware of who he is and that he is DH's "dada."

I have no idea when and how to approach the idea that Grandpa is ill and will soon be leaving us. Should we wait till he passes away? I am also not sure what to say when we go up for the eventual funeral. Given her memory and understanding, I am 100% certain that if we go up to their house again but Grandpa is absent, she will ask for him and ask where he is, repeatedly. (I see this being very upsetting for Nana and others, too.) What should we tell her? How do we explain death without scaring her or confusing her? I know some gifted kids get very anxious about death when they learn about it. Again, her level of comprehension and understanding is very high, but we haven't talked at all about how bodies work or what sickness is or death.
I personally have a LOT of experience with loved ones dying and was a gifted child myself. My father died when I was 6 (not as young as your dd, but it was my daddy, afterall). It was very important for me to be able to say goodbye and attend the funeral and I was for years and years angry and saddened that I was not allowed to attend the burial b/c I was *too young* to deal with it. I personally feel that if your dd has a connection with her grandpa, is there any way you could spend more time with him before he passes? Take pictures of him holding her or reading to her or her just sitting there next to him? These times and pictures will be cherished by her forever. I always was sad that I had no grandpa (both died before I was born). Even though she is young, her mind is not dull and apparently she feels the connection strongly by asking for him and if at all possible could her feelings be honored?
On the note about upsetting grandma if your dd asks for grandpa, I personally feel it is extremely important not to downplay a loss, especially one so huge in your family even if it invokes strong emotions that would cause crying. It may have grandma crying, but it would be such a wonderful experience for your MIL to get to grieve with her granddaughter over a man that they both love so much. I know that when my brother and sister died, it was a ray of sunlight to have one of their friends call me crying, b/c then I knew that they were as important to someone else in this world and it truly comforted me during the many bleak hours after their deaths. The strongest comfort I had during the days after my sister died of cancer, a bunch of friends called my from Texas, all bright and happy and with the purpose of cheering me up. In midsentence they all broke down crying and were super embarrassed and said "well how's that for trying to cheer you up". And really, it was the MOST comforting thing they could have done for me! To know they cared so much and that I wasn't the only one crying alone, it truly helped the healing.
I send my deepest sympathy to you and your family on this time of illness. Sickness affects the entire family unit in so many ways. After your FIL passes away, if he has a burial, it might be nice to allow your dd to take a flower to his grave once in awhile so she can at least have some peace in knowing where he is resting. All IMHO.
BoyGirlTwinsAPMama is offline  
#28 of 776 Old 08-23-2005, 01:50 PM
 
loraxc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: In the Truffula Trees
Posts: 4,388
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
I personally feel it is extremely important not to downplay a loss, especially one so huge in your family even if it invokes strong emotions that would cause crying. It may have grandma crying, but it would be such a wonderful experience for your MIL to get to grieve with her granddaughter over a man that they both love so much.
This is a powerful point. I would feel a little better about it if I knew that DD were going to understand the finality of Grandpa being gone. Like, if she asks for him once, okay...if she continues to ask for him and we continue having to explain, that might be rough for everyone. I am also just trying to think about language that will not be euphemistic or scary that she can understand.

"Grandpa had lived a long time, and his body stopped working. We can't see him anymore, but he will always love you." ??? Something like that? I have no idea how to introduce the concept of "his body is still here, but his spirit is gone." (Not spirit in a religious sense--his essence, if you will.)

We don't believe in God or heaven, so I don't plan to introduce any of that, although it is possible someone else will say something like that..."gone to be with Jesus" or the like. Oh dear. She doesn't even know who Jesus is, except that it's a word mommy says sometimes when annoyed. :

I'm wary of introducing the idea that he was sick and he died, in case she starts to worry that every time someone gets sick, they might go away forever.

I have found some books on the subject that look pretty good. That's always a good way to get through to DD, so that may help. She's just so young, though. It's hard.

grateful mother to DD, 1/04, and DS, 2/08

loraxc is offline  
#29 of 776 Old 08-23-2005, 02:13 PM
 
SilverWillow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 136
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
.

: mom to one 12-year-old waterborn ball of fire :
SilverWillow is offline  
#30 of 776 Old 08-23-2005, 05:35 PM
 
isisjade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 171
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
e
isisjade is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off