Fighting over gifted child - Page 4 - Mothering Forums
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#91 of 96 Old 04-26-2007, 10:35 AM
 
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Junie B. Jones and the Irritating Cutesy Title
haHA! OMG I dislike Junie B. Jones.

mama to DS 9 and DD 5 and
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#92 of 96 Old 04-26-2007, 02:02 PM
 
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momsy, i agree with you that life is full of boring tasks that i do because i have to do. i can see how other people rationalize the benefits of things (like going to the DMV), and therefore say they're motivated by their own self-interests, but i am not. i hate the DMV, it bores me, and i'll put off going for a year, but eventually i give in and go when i have to.

i also see your point about struggling with how to teach your child to do something he doesn't want to do. but, i really think that it's not something you can teach a 9 year old. i think you can model it, and you probably do. i think every time you take your son on errands with you, you're teaching him that there are certain things in life that you have to do, like it or not. and you're probably also teaching him that you can find a way to make it more fun (like, by bringing someone you love with you).

now, if your son were 15 and still not getting it, then i think more urgent action would be necessary. but if it were me, i wouldn't be overly concerned at 9. i TOTALLY get wanting to protect your son from making the same mistakes you did, but i really think you have some time still.
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#93 of 96 Old 04-30-2007, 01:26 AM
 
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Momsy,

Don't children just drive you crazy sometimes. We care so much and want the best and yet we can't always figure out how to help them. That annoying self-will thing

It sounds to me that your son's issues and your concerns could be about more than school. Is it possible for you to step back and look the situation in context? How do his actions at school connect to how you react at home? What is he getting out of acting lazy?

Have you read any Adlerian parenting philosophy ("How to talk so your child will listen", "Positive Discipline" and the original book “Children the Challenge” by Rudolph Dreikurs--a bit dated but really comprehensive)? They talk about the four mistaken goals of misbehavior. How children want to feel a sense of belonging/love but often get confused. For example, some children start to think of attention as showing they are loved. They will do all sorts of annoying things for attention even bad attention.

Being called lazy and having everyone on his case cannot feel good to your son. Yet he keeps on behaving in ways that encourage people to be mad at him. What is he getting from this? How else could he feel loved and wanted This does not mean I think you are not loving parent. It is just that kids are "good observers but bad interpreters"--even gifted ones. They make a mistake on this issue of belonging when they are really little and then our actions keep reinforcing their belief. For them to change their interpretation, we must change how we react to them.

It also sounds like you get really worried he won't be a responsible adult when he grows up. That maybe influencing your decisions a bit too much now. Of course, we all worry/plan for our child's future but there is only so much we can do. Instead, try to focus on helping him through the moment and not getting too caught up on what he will be like in the future.

Good luck with your son.
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#94 of 96 Old 04-30-2007, 01:36 AM
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I guess my question is, if you take him out of the gifted classes, and he is still doing poorly, then what? What's your back up plan?
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#95 of 96 Old 05-11-2007, 12:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just want to say that I do not tell my son that he is lazy. What I say to a message board full of adult woman and how I speak to my nine year old child are not the same.

It seems that a lot of people are saying that they never have to do anything they don't want to do because they see the benefit of of doing that. I believe that is a coping mechanism, which I talk to my son a lot about.
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#96 of 96 Old 05-11-2007, 12:52 AM
 
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Hi, Momsy. I've wondered how things are going .

There's another thread here about the Dweck book Mindset. It's a pretty fast read and it's interesting in that it talks about the growth mindset versus the fixed mindset. I think you're talking about your son feeling motivated and following through, or following through even when he's not feeling motivated - which would be enhanced if he had a growth mindset. (no, I haven't joined a cult, lol)

Mom to a teenager and a middle schooler.

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