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Do things get easier later?

1K views 28 replies 15 participants last post by  VanessaS 
#1 ·
Per my post below ("Can Anyone Relate?"), I'd love to know if things get easier as gifted children get older (or does it just get "different"?). If it gets easier, at what age? Also, did you feel less alienated from other parents as your child got older? Right now I really struggle with this because, with a 20-month-old, most moms still talk about, "So, what is your child doing now?" sort of stuff. I've noticed that I tend to downplay what my child can do to keep from weirding them out (or sound like I'm making stuff up). I also get totally envious at how much easier the other kids seem to be. I try so hard not to compare, but when I see kids who just seem content to play by themselves or hang out in a stroller or sling while their mothers talk, it just blows my mind. My life is so not like that.
 
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#2 ·
For us, the answer is NO. Every year of our daughter's life I say, "I think that was the hardest year yet." Actually, each year is probably about the same in terms of difficulty, it's just that some things get better as new challenges present themselves. I am burnt out right now, we have no grandparent help and no babysitter to speak of so I am not the best person for any sage advice. As for feeling alientated from other parents, yeah, I still feel that way. I get a lot of comments from moms at her school like, "Wow you must be exhausted." We don't have a lot of playdate friends and the mamas I talk to regularly are supportive to a degree but really don't understand. That's why I love this forum.
I am working on finding a support group and maybe some other kids like dd for playdates.

What you said about wishing your dd could be easier, btdt, especially dh.
Also, it blows my mind too to see kids sit contently/stay by their mom etc. because as you said, my life is so not like that. I feel like we are a mini tornado wherever we go.

All that being said, there are so many truly positve mamas here and I think you'll get some great support. Of course, I am always hopeful that things will get easier in the years to come too.
 
#3 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by LuxPerpetua View Post
with a 20-month-old, most moms still talk about, "So, what is your child doing now?" sort of stuff.
This has gone away for the most part. For example, it will stop conversation to see a 2 year old reading, but to see an older child reading is not a big deal. No one's necessarily paying attention to the level of the material, whew. We just don't have many "developmental" conversations with other parents anymore. (We're all talking about intersession camp and sleepovers, LOL.)

It still takes me surprise to run into a kid who is totally go-with-the-flow since both of mine and extended family are so super-sensitive to transitions and environment.

I think it just gets "different."
 
#4 ·
I think its probably different for each child and family and most likely there will be ups and downs.

I do agree that as the children get older certain things about them stand out less and that makes things easier just being out in the world.

I always marvelled at my friend's babies.... I was one of the first to have a baby and since many have been born. I could be over at their place or out at the park and literally "forget" that their baby was there. One of my friends wore her daughter in a carrier on her chest until she was, I don't know, many months old and I could be chatting away to her and FORGET that that baby was there for hours at a time. THAT was not my experience. No one could ever forget that my kid was around. I have a friend whose 2.5 year old still hasn't figured out that she can get off her big girl bed (she's been in it for almost a year). There may as well be a cavernous abyss around her bed. She will lay there awake for hours and sing or talk to herself never getting off the bed. In my dreams! My son would be up, out of his room and in the kitchen baking a cake....

Supervee I think hit the nail on the head... it just gets "different". And, you as a parent get more experience under your belt with that child and learn what works and what doesn't ... I think as you go along you become more skilled, more adaptable, more creative with your parenting and that makes it all easier too.
 
#5 ·
I think what has gotten easier is that I don't expect things to be easy or that they'll get easier, if that makes sense. Each year something new seems to pop up. Now instead of being taken totally by surprise, I know that this phase will pass (fingers crossed!) and that I just need to figure out what will help get us through.

What helps me the most is to hear from mamas who have BTDT or are going through something similar at the same time and sharing what worked or is working and what didn't and isn't. I guess if I don't have to create the wheel each time, but maybe just add a little air and a couple of spokes, it's a little easier on me.
 
#6 ·
I also want to add that it does get easier in some ways.....
For example, my ds has long running issues with perfectionism. Once I was able to figure out what his deal was with freaking out when he wasn't able to do things perfectly and how it would paralyze him and keep him from attempting things, I was more readily able to identify how his perfectionism morphs into portraying itself in other ways (ie. making plausible excuses for not wanting to do things.) The issue is still present, but now I understand his fear and frustration surrounding it and I am more able to help him work through the problem.
 
#7 ·
Sorry for the gloomy post, I suppose I should say that I think we are kind of at a critical point with dd right now. She just started her 2nd year of pre-k and I am already having "conversations" with the teacher. I am worried about her being able to finish out the year and I am extremely stressed about what to do for elementary school. I feel like I had finally figured out toddlerhood and young preschoolhood and now I have a big girl screaming in my face all the time. I need to adjust and am trying to figure it out!

So sorry if I sounded negative, I don't mean to be...it is wonderful to watch how a young babe fascinated by the back of a sign at the park turns into a young child talking about how many freeways we take and how many tunnels we go through to get to Uncle Tony's or Gramma's or the beach. My world has become full of quirky things I would never have thought about or done before.
:
 
#8 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Augusta View Post
I have a friend whose 2.5 year old still hasn't figured out that she can get off her big girl bed (she's been in it for almost a year). There may as well be a cavernous abyss around her bed. She will lay there awake for hours and sing or talk to herself never getting off the bed. In my dreams! My son would be up, out of his room and in the kitchen baking a cake....


My daughter even just a few month ago would have total meltdowns because she couldn't climb off our really high bed. She would try and try and finally one day she mastered it and has been happy ever since. I cannot in my wildest dreams comprehend a child who is just content "to be." At least giftedness is never boring!
 
#9 ·
My oldest dd just turned 9. In some ways, I'd say that it is easier and in some ways not. For instance, I am no longer dealing with her tantrums that lasted for hours multiple times/day and non-stop screaming (issues we had in infancy until age 4ish). She is still emotionally intense, but she knows better how to handle it without melting down.

I'd agree with the others that the comparisons btwn kids -- "what is your child doing" -- went away for some time. Things were pretty mellow btwn maybe the ages of 3 and 5. That, unfortunately, reared its ugly head again when dd's friends started K, though. There was a lot of "what grade level is your child reading at" stuff going on until probably 1st or 2nd grade, when most of the children were reading early chapter books. It was very uncomfortable and blatant -- down to actual quizzing of dd and dd being asked to read things to show other moms what she could read (not with me present, of course!).

Dd is now a 4th grader. She is aware that she is different and she has dealt with other kids making her feel weird for being the only kid who leaves the class for TAG, for instance, or for reading an etymology dictionary during recess for fun. Comparisons with other parents have, again, gotten less severe. I don't know if this is a natural thing or b/c I have made a significant effort not to discuss anything unusual that dd is doing with most other parents.

As far as dd's temperment herself, she can still be a bit difficult, but she is also a very kind young girl who treats me and the rest of the family fairly well most of the time. Our biggest problem with her behavior in the family is her melodrama and especially her castigation of her younger sister for any mistakes she makes. If dd2 spills something, for instance, dd1 will come out with "___, how could you? Please be more careful! This is a pattern with you." Now, dd2 is a bit of a clutz at times, but I don't want the poor kid to be torn apart about it and I don't like her being talked to like that. (We are working on dd1's treatment of her sister.)
 
#10 ·
This is very encouraging; thank you!

I don't know what to expect for the future and with our eldest being only 4 yrs old, I cannot really give too much in terms of personal experience over years and years of living and relating. The other thing is that I have grown accustomed to not having 'expectations' in the same way as I once did; I am more inclined to allow them to be them and me to be me, and to just see how things are in the moment, if that makes sense.

Like other mamas, I was completely amazed that other babies just stayed contentedly in slings or strollers or on the floor holding their feet. None of ours have been like that and we were also the first to have a baby amongst our acquaintances. In fact we had our second before or within a few months of everyone else having their firsts. Some of our friends were terrified of how difficult it was going to be to have a baby around, until they had theirs and started to think there was something 'wrong' with our children (enter discipline suggestions from newbie parents here...
: ). Then the older children who just 'do what they're told' without needing an in-depth explanation and then negotiation or presenting options, have continually amazed me. I don't even bother to 'tell' my children what to do; we have our best communication when we cooperate- as in the littles are fully informed, and give their perspective and a solution is derived of that process. Even our 21 month old needs this. We don't receive very many endearing glances from strangers...

I really think the most significant change has been in our ability to cope with others and also how we treat our own children. That has become easier so that even though for the most part, the intensity of being with our littles hasn't lessened, just changed, we are more adept at functioning within that intensity. We still encounter a lot of 'discipline suggestions,' but we are confident to tell others that we're not interested (in polite ways) and also we don't act apologetically for our children anymore. We don't correct them for what might seem like a social faux pas to others and we don't speak on their behalves either. So, it has become easier, but from our end, not because they've become more placid or whatever else might make things seem 'easier' to others.

It probably just becomes different, and I hope that as I grow and mature alongside our dc, I will find it easier because of my own maturation and connectedness with them.
 
#13 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by LauraLoo View Post
I think what has gotten easier is that I don't expect things to be easy or that they'll get easier, if that makes sense. Each year something new seems to pop up. Now instead of being taken totally by surprise, I know that this phase will pass (fingers crossed!) and that I just need to figure out what will help get us through.

What helps me the most is to hear from mamas who have BTDT or are going through something similar at the same time and sharing what worked or is working and what didn't and isn't. I guess if I don't have to create the wheel each time, but maybe just add a little air and a couple of spokes, it's a little easier on me.
I absolutely agree. Not only are our children changing and growing, so are we! I now have years of experience, and have read so many books, and talked to so many other parents, that I have a greater inventory of experience and information to draw on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LauraLoo View Post
I also want to add that it does get easier in some ways.....
For example, my ds has long running issues with perfectionism. Once I was able to figure out what his deal was with freaking out when he wasn't able to do things perfectly and how it would paralyze him and keep him from attempting things, I was more readily able to identify how his perfectionism morphs into portraying itself in other ways (ie. making plausible excuses for not wanting to do things.) The issue is still present, but now I understand his fear and frustration surrounding it and I am more able to help him work through the problem.
Yes, "getting" your child comes with experience, and sometimes you can get ahead of the problem rather than being caught in reactivity.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ejsmommy View Post
Sorry for the gloomy post, I suppose I should say that I think we are kind of at a critical point with dd right now. She just started her 2nd year of pre-k and I am already having "conversations" with the teacher. I am worried about her being able to finish out the year and I am extremely stressed about what to do for elementary school. I feel like I had finally figured out toddlerhood and young preschoolhood and now I have a big girl screaming in my face all the time. I need to adjust and am trying to figure it out!
This is my son
. We had to identify as special needs, so the whole administration now knows us. Not what I'd choose. I remember in 3s preschool going for coffee with a group of preschool moms. One mom joked how she'd been talked to by a teacher about her dd, and the others chuckled and said 'not us yet!' I was talking to teachers every day at that point.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChristaN View Post
My oldest dd just turned 9. In some ways, I'd say that it is easier and in some ways not. For instance, I am no longer dealing with her tantrums that lasted for hours multiple times/day and non-stop screaming (issues we had in infancy until age 4ish). She is still emotionally intense, but she knows better how to handle it without melting down.

Dd is now a 4th grader. She is aware that she is different and she has dealt with other kids making her feel weird for being the only kid who leaves the class for TAG, for instance, or for reading an etymology dictionary during recess for fun. Comparisons with other parents have, again, gotten less severe. I don't know if this is a natural thing or b/c I have made a significant effort not to discuss anything unusual that dd is doing with most other parents.

As far as dd's temperment herself, she can still be a bit difficult, but she is also a very kind young girl who treats me and the rest of the family fairly well most of the time. Our biggest problem with her behavior in the family is her melodrama and especially her castigation of her younger sister for any mistakes she makes. If dd2 spills something, for instance, dd1 will come out with "___, how could you? Please be more careful! This is a pattern with you." Now, dd2 is a bit of a clutz at times, but I don't want the poor kid to be torn apart about it and I don't like her being talked to like that. (We are working on dd1's treatment of her sister.)
Are you living my life, raising my daughter?!? LOLing at the "how could you?" DD regularly converts her brother's 2 syllable name into an extended-play 3 syllable word. DD thinks she's 14, and we're at a point I didn't expect for a couple of years
. Yet, we still have screaming tantrums every week or so.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PreggieUBA2C View Post
I really think the most significant change has been in our ability to cope with others and also how we treat our own children. That has become easier so that even though for the most part, the intensity of being with our littles hasn't lessened, just changed, we are more adept at functioning within that intensity.

It probably just becomes different, and I hope that as I grow and mature alongside our dc, I will find it easier because of my own maturation and connectedness with them.
Yes this, again. I think it's about getting to know our children and maturing into our role as parent and guide.

(that said, we're not at the Country Fair as planned because they could not hold it together before we even left...so it's not all sunshine and light, by any means!)
 
#14 ·
Well, it's *different* than it was at 20 months. The hardest time for us (so far) in terms of feeling spotlighted by DD was between 18 months and two, because DD's verbal abilities were pretty freakily far ahead AND many kids in her peer group were barely talking at all. So it'd be like:

DD's same-age peer: BA!
DD: Look at that beautiful orange and yellow ball with the stripes on it over there, Mama! Isn't it amazing?
Peer's Parent:
:
Me:


Now, at 3.5/almost 4, they all talk, and they mostly all "know" a lot of the usual stuff (although we had an awkward moment a few weeks ago when another kid counted to 20 "wrong," and DD pointed it out), so DD sticks out a bit less. However, DD's social differences were less noticeable when they were two and none of them really functioned socially. Additionally, other kids are aging out of the usual tantrum stage and DD is as intense as ever.
 
#15 ·
Does it get easier? Yes and no... You learn to deal, develop coping strategies, all that good stuff. The kids learn why they shouldn't push random buttons or remove the batteries from all the remotes, and even why it's really not a good idea to dismantle the fan's engine casing.
BeanBean's reading now, and that helps-- he's growing confident in his ablity to find answers to his own questions, and reading books gives him less time to talk.


On the other hand, I find that the differences between BeanBean and other children his age are at least as pronounced now as they were at 1/2/3/4. *At least.* I also remember that while people weren't surprised to see me reading at 7/8/9, they were often shocked at the voracity of my reading habits and occasionally *appalled* at my reading material. No, it wasn't so rare to see a seven year old reading, or even reading a chapter book, but to hear her say, "No, I don't really like horses, I'm reading Black Beauty because it's classic children's literature. Every child should read it," or to see an eight year old reading Caves of Steel (Asimov) was just mind-boggling. I got the weirdest looks from people, and I was often offended when people would ask, "Is your mother making you read that?"
: I'm totally not looking forward to those comments with my own kids (I'm sure my mom got an earfull).
 
#17 ·
Quote:
Well, it's *different* than it was at 20 months. The hardest time for us (so far) in terms of feeling spotlighted by DD was between 18 months and two, because DD's verbal abilities were pretty freakily far ahead AND many kids in her peer group were barely talking at all. So it'd be like:

DD's same-age peer: BA!
DD: Look at that beautiful orange and yellow ball with the stripes on it over there, Mama! Isn't it amazing?
Peer's Parent:
Me:
This was the case for us too. Around 18mo. my DS spoke much like your DD and we hardly left the house that we didn't get comments from someone. Now at almost 3, we don't have it happen as much, but it still happens. I expect that over the next year he will con't to blend in more. The thing that gets pointed out now is his enunciation (sp?). He just has never had that 'baby' sound to his voice...he sounds like a typical 5 or 6 year old. Recently, we were at a party for a little girl that is a few months older than him and one of the family members of the girl says loudly (and in front of the girls grandmother), "WOW!, and I thought 'girl' spoke good! He speaks perfect!". I was really uncomfortable. The thing is, this little girl is ahead in her speech, just not as much as my DS. I said something like, "(laugh) well, he has other areas he that could use work!" I know this was not the perfect thing to say, but DS had run off already so he didn't hear it and I just didn't know what to say.
 
#18 ·
Quote:
said something like, "(laugh) well, he has other areas he that could use work!" I know this was not the perfect thing to say, but DS had run off already so he didn't hear it and I just didn't know what to say.
That is bad, bad, bad!
And I know it because I do the same thing all of the time.
My landlady babysitted my kids yesterday and was just amazed at them. "They are so smart and so advanced in their development!" She just kept going on and on for about 20 minutes. She has 8 kids and 21 grandkids so she knows what she's talking about. But I was just like, "Well DD can't sit yet and DS has some behaviour issues we're working on." As soon as it was out of my mouth I was
It was really bad in my case because my DS could hear me and just looked at me like
:

Why do I always put down my kids when someone praises them? Am I embarrassed by their precociousness? How strange is that?
: Everybody I know whose kids have completely mediocre development are bursting with pride and bragging about everything to anyone who will stand still long enough to listen. The craziest thing I ever caught myself saying was, "Yeah, he does 200-piece puzzles but I sort the pieces into 2 or 3 piles before he starts, so it doesn't really count. It's not like he's doing them all by himself, or something."
It's even crazier because he helps me sort.
 
#20 ·
Quote:
A response that has felt natural to us is to respond, "Yes, he loves puzzles!" or the like. It's true and takes the judgment factor away.
I have used this response for things like puzzles, knowing dinosaur names etc., but with speech it doesn't really work. "he likes to talk" isn't really even true. I wouldn't say he likes to talk any more or less than the next guy...he just does talk and does it well. It seems no matter what I say to those comments it always feels awkward. But I'm sure most of that is in my head, the other person most likely doesn't think that much about it or even notice what I say.
 
#21 ·
Heh, I knew when I submitted I should have given a speech-related example.

Yup, I say it for talking, too, because if you knew their father's side of the family, you'd know what "love to talk" means.
Maybe that's different for you, but it feels completely natural to me to say, "Oh, yeah, he loves to talk--gets it from his father." This isn't even a put-down to him, as I notice it might look on paper.

I'm sure there's a situation it doesn't work for, but here we luckily love everything relevant thing I can think of.
 
#23 ·
About precocious speech, I usually just say, "Mm hmm!" with a smile or if they say, "Wow, he speaks very well!" I respond with, "Yes he does!"

It doesn't bother me when others notice these things and I feel comfortable just confirming their observations... unless the 'observations' are ridiculously ill-informed or blatantly ignorant as in...

I posted about how ds1 and ds2 have adopted various odd ways of speaking and we've had others comment that their vocabularies are very advanced bu that they need to see a speech pathologist. And it doesn't matter how I explain that the way they are speaking is experimental and they'll be trying something else next month; I have a friend who's been pestering me about this since ds1 was just over a year
.

I finally sat down with her and defined 'pathology' for her, reaffirmed my previous explanations of dc's weird speech (they have a way of communicating that is very much like twin-speak, and ds1 decided at 16 months to speak using only certain letters, and re-formed all of his speech to conform; if asked, he had no problem with the individual letter sounds; it was his choice, and when he didn't want to do it anymore, because dh was having trouble understanding him on the phone, he stopped.

This friend actually came to me after she'd been with him for an hour alone while I ran an errand and told me that he says all the letters perfectly (annoying that she tested my son while I was gone...), but he doesn't use them that way when he speaks. YES! I KNOW!!!! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU!!! She still told me to see a speech pathologist
and
).

Commentary of late seems to be more focussed on ds3, since it's more obvious that his language skills are advanced, than his older brothers (in part also because they are 3 and 4, but are the average sizes of 4 1/2 and 6 yr olds, respectively). I sometimes wonder if the older two will ever become jealous, but then ds1 and ds2 make comments about how they did ____ when they were ds3's age too, and they seem fine with that, so far. It won't be long before they are all at an age that doesn't attract so much attention though ( I am hoping based upon pp's responses
).
 
#24 ·
Does it get easier? It does.

My oldest is almost 8 and is considered "profoundly gifted" by his school. He was a VERY delayed talker with a lot of speech deficits, however, so we never had the issue of dazzling other moms at the playground with his verbal skills. Holding up some dropped acorns and saying "mwfg gud be" never impressed anyone other than mommy
So maybe it's harder for those of you who have early talkers.

I don't talk about my children's giftedness (as labeled by the school ---not necessarily the word I would use in conversation) to people, for the most part. It's obvious that they are advanced in some areas. It's also obvious they love being children, playing and running and inventing games. I prefer to focus, now, on the "being kids" part, and encourage them to engage in physical play (sports, etc) where differences aren't so noticeable.

School is mostly ok; my dd has been labeled gifted but I declined services this year. She can be re-tested next year, and we will see then. My ds has had more issues, and I have had to really work with the school, but I have, and I feel his needs are being met in a nurturing and encouraging way.

But as far as feeling alienated from other parents, I don't have that problem; I don't really like to compare children, though. All children are brilliant creatures in so many ways, and that's what I like to focus on.

JS
 
#25 ·
Yes, I think it must be harder for the early talkers (FTR, my son isn't one). It's more noticeable. The visual-spatial stuff rarely comes up except with babysitters and the like.

Quote:
But as far as feeling alienated from other parents, I don't have that problem
I think if your kid is an advanced speaker then it's harder to "act normal" around other parents. All your kid has to do is open her mouth and speak and everybody's like
It's hard to have a normal conversation with people who are totally wierded out by your kid.

That reminds me! We went to playgroup today and for the first time, I took Becky out of the carrier and let her crawl around with the other babies. She's 6 months (almost 7 months) old now (not that impressive on this board but they aren't used to such kids). There were a couple of newbie-moms there who were just like
but some of the ones who have been there longer just shrugged it off: She's just like her brother, isn't she?

So... I guess it gets easier with the second one?
 
#26 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by VanessaS View Post
So... I guess it gets easier with the second one?
Only if the second follows in the footsteps of the first.
BeanBean wasn't a terribly early crawler or walker (6 & 11.75 months, respectively), but BooBah-- look out world! If she had talked, that wouldn't have been quite as shocking but the crawling (4 months) and walking (? 9 months) blew people away. Oh, and the climbing-- BooBah actually taught BeanBean to build structures and climb them when she was nine or ten months old. In fact, I'm pretty sure that part of the reason she learned to walk was so that she could easily carry things from one place to another in order to stack and climb them. It wasn't surprising to anyone that BooBah could ask politely for a nursie when she was around 13 months old, though, because BeanBean certainly could.

Then again, the expectations (even my own) on Bella were already set very high... and here she is, 18 months old and her speech is about eight months behind BooBah's and a good 12 months behind BeanBean's. Bella didn't walk until she was 14 or 15 months old, either... she's very, very different from her siblings in many ways. I'm not nearly as worried about her as I was, but people who are expecting Bella to be like her siblings are confused and/or disappointed by her complete babyness.
:
 
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