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#1 of 17 Old 04-06-2007, 12:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Today I was cleaning the disaster which is our office desk.

In the piles, there lay the ultrasound reports.

Stacked neatly from week 18 on.

Every other week.

Somewhere about week 28, I spilled a Diet Coke on them.

DAMN.

Those reports reflect such a hard time in our lives. EACH and EVERY one of them mentions the high risk of intrauterine fetal demise. They all discuss that the rate of growth is outside of normal At the first one, at 18 week 0 days, I measured 16 weeks 5 days. The dates just get worse from there. Starting at 1/19/2006 to 5/12/2006 I had a level 2 at least once every 2 weeks. March 30, I had steroids. Good Friday last year, I had to have my NST at the hospital because my ob's office was closed. I almost had a baby that day, and my sister was in a car accident. She was driving to get my sister after dropping me and my mom off at the hospital. I was flunking the NST, then I almost flunked the BPP. Finally my mom's cell phone rang during the BPP. It was the police officer dealing with the accident, but that ringing got DD to practice breathing, and she passed. She had 6 minutes to go before the test ended. They gave me 30 minutes. So stinking stressful.

Yesterday, someone IRL told me that my NICU stay was easy. HA. Sure we avoided a vent, but that was about it. Anyway, it is not a contest, but I told that person I did my worrying my entire pregnancy. I spotted at 5 weeks 6 days. I had my first level 2 at 18 weeks. I had at least one u/s a week from then on. I got to have the stress of a high risk pregnancy for 16 weeks. I was on bed rest for 8. My DD was in the NICU for 6.5. I did my time, TYVM.

I'm right in the anniversary time right now and am struggling. I Just wish thing had gone differently. I love DD and would not trade this experience, it is still painful and hard to deal with.

I just wish things had come out differently.
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#2 of 17 Old 04-06-2007, 01:59 AM
 
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Hugs!obbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb v (oops, that was my rat saying hello. lol)

I definitely know how you felt. I went through the same thing after my son with his IUGR.
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#3 of 17 Old 04-06-2007, 06:00 AM
 
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I still have the weekly u/s in stored in the pocket book I was using then. They have all the doppler wave forms showing the progsively worse cord blood flow to my little guy.

I still wonder on occasion if it was the brie cheese I ate at the beginning of the pregnancy and if it is all my fault.

My baby was on a vent, on 100% O2 and satting in the 70s, totally touch and go with the oxygen even after surfactants and he had unstable glucose, apneas and bradycardias, still at 9 months 98% tube fed, getting frequent pneumonias, and I get told I got off easy. He was only in the NICU for a month (we have done time since for pneumonia). He was big. He was 36w4d it couldn't have been that bad.

http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site...edium=text_url

It is hard. I am sorry. Some people just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

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#4 of 17 Old 04-06-2007, 09:24 AM
 
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I understand. My pregnancy was very similar, I had nearly weekly ultrasounds from 10 weeks, bleeding, hypertension, IUGR... blah blah blah. I guess I just understand what you're going through somewhat. The thing that I am still struggling with is that all of my dreams of this pregnancy are gone. It's my first and most likely my last. A grief counselor told me I lost hope of a future. I think that's what happens. We have in our minds what's supposed to happen and then it doesn't. Even having the baby home and doing well doesn't take away the struggle.
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#5 of 17 Old 04-06-2007, 09:51 AM
 
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-sarah-
mom to three, 4 and under.
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#6 of 17 Old 04-06-2007, 10:15 AM
 
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#7 of 17 Old 04-06-2007, 10:24 AM
 
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Nobody "gets off easy" when there is NICU or hospital time involved.

I get told the same thing all the time because Adara was only in for 8 days. People forget that even the neos were shocked by how well she did...

I don't for a moment forget that. I can look back at the pictures of me holding Adara and I'm a little astonished at how...YELLOW...I look. Granted it made me look like I had some color since I'm so pale, but it is obvious to me that even after she was born I wasn't 100%...

Anyway, momma don't listen to people who can't possibly understand run their mouths.

The NICU isn't a contest...and if it was, I wouldn't WANT to "win" by having the sickest/smallest/most whatever baby...would you? In my opinion, "winning" is the one thing you should aspire to AVOID when you can, or for those who can't...well I have a feeling that those moms don't want to "win" either...you know?

Angela - wife to my gamer hubby and SAHM to Handsome autismribbon.gif 3/6/03 (~35wks), Princess 8/9/06: (33wks) - we are HELLP survivors, Bubbalicious 9/15/09 (FULL TERM!), and pos.gif oops...here we go AGAIN! (June/July 2012?)

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#8 of 17 Old 04-06-2007, 04:55 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by intorainbowz View Post
Yesterday, someone IRL told me that my NICU stay was easy. HA. Sure we avoided a vent, but that was about it. Anyway, it is not a contest, but I told that person I did my worrying my entire pregnancy. I spotted at 5 weeks 6 days. I had my first level 2 at 18 weeks. I had at least one u/s a week from then on. I got to have the stress of a high risk pregnancy for 16 weeks. I was on bed rest for 8. My DD was in the NICU for 6.5. I did my time, TYVM.

I'm right in the anniversary time right now and am struggling. I Just wish thing had gone differently. I love DD and would not trade this experience, it is still painful and hard to deal with.

I just wish things had come out differently.
Who is that person so I can smack them? Well I want to anyhow....

Did you ask them how their nicu stay was? Because anyone who has had a nicu stay knows to keep their UA vio mouth shut.

"The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us."
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#9 of 17 Old 04-06-2007, 05:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Amys1st View Post
Who is that person so I can smack them? Well I want to anyhow....

Did you ask them how their nicu stay was? Because anyone who has had a nicu stay knows to keep their UA vio mouth shut.
My mom.

Yeah, I know. She has no clue how hard the NICU was for me. She has no clue she made it harder and that her insisting that it was not hard for me makes it harder every time it comes up.

Seems she knows someone with a very sick baby in the NICU... I guess she was trying to tell me I got off easy. Whatever.

She has her own NICU issues. She hates that I scrapbook the NICU.
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#10 of 17 Old 04-06-2007, 06:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by intorainbowz View Post
She has no clue how hard the NICU was for me. She has no clue she made it harder and that her insisting that it was not hard for me makes it harder every time it comes up.

Seems she knows someone with a very sick baby in the NICU... I guess she was trying to tell me I got off easy. Whatever.

She has her own NICU issues. She hates that I scrapbook the NICU.

My two were in there for 78 days with the only issues being not wanting to eat, bottle or me, they wouldn't have anything to do with it.

I realize that in the whole scheme of how bad in the NICU could have been my two had an easier NICU stay then others. But that doesn't mean I had an easier time then some one who was in there for longer or with a sicker child or who had only been in there for a few days.

My mother hates that I have so much stuff from the NICU. She thinks that I should just forget it and go on with my life.

Here is a montage of my two's NICU stay if anyone is interested in seeing it.

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p...m_medium=email


Molly
: born at 29w5d now 3yr7.5m
: for 11 months
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#11 of 17 Old 04-06-2007, 11:19 PM
 
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I understand how you feel. I so, so understand how you feel.

Wife to an amazing man love.gif, mommy to 3 wild dudes: ds1 (5/23/05 @ 30 weeks), ds2 (3/5/09) hbac.gif, and ds3 (9/26/10) hbac.gif. Part time librarianread.gif, full time mommysupermod.gif, occasional chef and maid.

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#12 of 17 Old 04-07-2007, 02:19 AM
 
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Originally Posted by intorainbowz View Post
My mom.

Yeah, I know. She has no clue how hard the NICU was for me. She has no clue she made it harder and that her insisting that it was not hard for me makes it harder every time it comes up.

Seems she knows someone with a very sick baby in the NICU... I guess she was trying to tell me I got off easy. Whatever.


It sounds a lot like my mom. She thinks 41 days was no big deal because my dd did so well. Her cousin had a 26 weeker and she thinks she really had it hard. My mom never once visited during either NICU stay so I don't think she has a clue about the NICU.

Your post hit close to home right now. I was unpacking some of our last boxes from our move a couple weeks ago and found some of my ultrasound pics. There were a bunch of them showing the various hematomas I had while pregnant. Something about seeing them now really got to me because when I had those ultrasounds done I really thought my dd was not going to make it. All those weeks of thinking I was going to lose her.

mama to six ('98, '00, '04, '04, '06, '08)
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#13 of 17 Old 04-07-2007, 03:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by susienjay View Post
Something about seeing them now really got to me because when I had those ultrasounds done I really thought my dd was not going to make it. All those weeks of thinking I was going to lose her.
I could write these exact words. That is what the u/s pictures and reports mean to me. They were pictures of a baby I thought would die. I placed the one 3d ultrasound we had in a frame, and set it on the TV in the living room to remind me why I was laying down all the time, and so that we had a picture of our baby when she was alive, because until she was born an cried, I was very afraid she would die.
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#14 of 17 Old 04-07-2007, 06:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by susienjay
Something about seeing them now really got to me because when I had those ultrasounds done I really thought my dd was not going to make it. All those weeks of thinking I was going to lose her.

I could write these exact words.
i could too, almost. except for me pictures of my brand-new ds remind me that for a long time i thought he might not make it. and that's also exactly why i don't want my mil to scrapbook ds' nicu stay, though i had never thought of it in those terms before.
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#15 of 17 Old 04-09-2007, 03:27 AM
 
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I cannot imagine a mother saying such a thing! Well, I can, but I'm sad that they said it!

My son was in the Special Care Nursery for 4 hours and that was too long!

And, for the record, I scrapbooked pics from my c/s and in his "freshly born" pics, you can see them bagging him with the little mask - my mom thinks it's "morbid". She's funny like that!

Be strong, and cry if you want to!
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#16 of 17 Old 04-09-2007, 04:20 AM
 
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I had 2-3 ultrasounds a week for 3 months. I know how you felt.
I have been having lots of dreams about them lately. My daughter had abnormal heart rates and there was certainly lots of worry for us too.

Also, I recently took actual photograghs with my camera of all my ultrasounds because many of them are printed on paper that clearly says that it will fade very easily.

so happy to be alive. . .with one lovely husband , one boy , one girl , and three fish : . : :. peace one day.
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#17 of 17 Old 04-11-2007, 06:29 AM
 
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I totally know how you feel sweetie. Hugs.
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