Are you scared of the thought of having more kids? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 25 Old 06-24-2007, 09:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DS was born with a heart defect that was undetected until he was 2 weeks old. After going through open heart surgery and a CVICU stay (which still continues) the thought of having another child horrifies me. I feel completely convinced that I cannot get pregnant again. I'm not sure if it is just because I'm still dealing with the situation right now or just because I am truly done. I don't think I could even be intimate with DH again until he has a vasectomy. Are these thoughts normal? Did anyone else go through this? Did you end up changing your mind? I feel like the stress I'd experience during pregnancy would be too much and I'd never be able to relax enough to have a healthy pregnancy.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#2 of 25 Old 06-24-2007, 09:49 PM
 
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I know it can be so stressful.

Ds is 18 months now and when he was 5 months he was diagnosed with cancer, Wilms Tumor, left kidney. He had to have his kidney removed, stabilized malrotation and appendix removed. Once the surgery and hospital stay was over he started on chemo.

I know his situation was different but I can understand your fear of having another child with such medical needs.

We have a dd 3 1/2 yrs that is healthy and fine, no problems. She has been our reality check that this is not an issue with all our children nor will it be. That being said I was SCARED out of my mind that I would get pregnant before I was ready this time. I think now that we are in the clear, 2 full clean checkups it is not nearly as scary.

As far as intimacy goes, I used that as a stress reliever when ever possible being careful to also us protection. Of course as ds grew that was easier in general to have fun with.

Hope this helps, if you are not ready for another baby please find a way to enjoy time with your dh, intimate or not just because you both need someone to help hold you up on the bad days.

Good luck and I hope the best for you ds.
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#3 of 25 Old 06-24-2007, 09:55 PM
 
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Jilian I just read you original post about you son and I can't imagine going through what you have in such a sort period of time,

PLEASE GIVE YOURSELF TIME

time to heal from birth
time to hold your son
time to heal your son and
time to catch your breath.

It is an uncertain time after having a baby, let alone a baby with medical needs. You need time to take in all the changes in your life.

Intimacy will come in time, it is always the hardest for us the first year of the baby. It will get better.

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#4 of 25 Old 06-24-2007, 10:39 PM
 
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There was a day when I thought that more kids was completely out of the question. Now my twins are 15 months old and I want to start trying for a another baby in the next year. I have surgery to go through first and then recovery time before another pregnancy can happen.

You need to give yourself time. Soon this will past and it will be just a memory. I know that doesnt seem likely b/c you are living it right now, but you do forget somewhat of the emotions you are feeling right now.

Good luck to you and your son, he is in my thoughts.

single mommy to identical twin girls (3/06) Non-traditional mama just : through life.
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#5 of 25 Old 06-24-2007, 10:47 PM
 
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I think the thoughts are COMPLETELY normal. :s:: I know that I've had 3 high risk pregnancies, a few miscarriages, a micro preemie, an autistic, son and my middle child was a twin who her twin quit growing around 10 weeks. The THOUGHT of more kids is both terrifying and stressful, we originally wanted 4 children. After spending 10 weeks in the nicu with our youngest we both feel as though we can NEVER have more kids, at least not naturally, yet we're not doing anything permanently and will reavaulute in a few year. I do have to say though my daughter is now 16 months and the thought is not AS terrifying as when we were living the nicu hell. Hope this helps, hugs.
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#6 of 25 Old 06-24-2007, 11:59 PM
 
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I agree, give your self some time and get baby Evan home, well, stronger, bigger etc. Then talk about permanent or non permanet solutions to this.

For us, we were on the fence while prgnt w Maggie. We knew this could be the last but we would decide a year or so after the fact. Then she came early and I had all sorts of issues similar to my first prgncy. For us, I could not go thru that again or a potential nicu stay. But that was it for our family, everyone is different. There was repeat families in the nicu even while i was there so it can be done.

In the meantime, you and DH need that together time and you can take precoautions. You esp need it now, most parents here can fess up to early after pregncy relations here. : Some have tokens to prove it!

"The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us."
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#7 of 25 Old 06-25-2007, 10:09 AM
 
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I think your feelings are entirely normal. We didn't plan any more children after we found out it was twins, but even if we had, I know I'd be extremely anxious about a second pregnancy. It's hard to look past, but you'll know when/if you are ready.

Betsy, mama to beautiful, strong MZ twins Lillian and Kate, born 11 weeks early on January 10, 2006.
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#8 of 25 Old 06-25-2007, 10:35 AM
 
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It's a totally normal feeling to have. My last 2 deliveries have been preterm. We weren't done but I sure wasn't expecting to get pregnant this fast. I was pretty much numb the day I found out, usually I'm all giddy and excited. I was due Jan 11th this year and this baby is due next Jan 20th, only 9 days from my last due date. I can't get myself very excited about it. I keep waiting for problems to start. So far so good but I didn't have any problems last time until 15.5 weeks.

My dh says he can't go through it again. He says if this one is early that's it for him. I'm not sure I disagree with him. I'd love to adopt a couple more but he isn't interested in doing that.

mama to six ('98, '00, '04, '04, '06, '08)
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#9 of 25 Old 06-25-2007, 12:36 PM
 
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I'm terrified

I can't WAIT to go on the pill...

DH wants more...I told him we could special order one from Mexico (I'd LOVE to adopt anyhow...I always wanted to)
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#10 of 25 Old 06-25-2007, 12:58 PM
 
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I think that they way you are feeling is totally normal. Our DS is about to turn five and my DH still won't even talk about trying to conceive more children. When I bring up the topic he usually responds by saying, "Have you forgotten...?"

I have gone back and forth between wanting to have another child and not. There is certainly a part of me that would like to have a "do-over" pregnancy to try to get to experience what I "missed" with DS's birth; a full-term pregnancy, labor/contractions, an unmedicated, vaginal delivery etc. But there is also a large part of me that is filled with an immense fear.

And yes, I must admit that my fears have impacted my ability to be intimate with DH.
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#11 of 25 Old 06-25-2007, 03:58 PM
 
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Your feelings sound normal after your situation.

I still want another baby. The idea terrifies me though.

My husband is as understanding as he can be...given that he only sees the risks it would entail for me.

My husband and I finally came to an agreement...we use double means of protection - I chart AND we use condoms. When I might be fertile...we abstain. Right now the fear is too great. We will think about this situation again in a year or two...then we will try to make a decision regarding a more permanent means of birth control. I hope that we will be able to try for another little one instead.

This is a little different from your situation, but no less stressful I would guess! You can visit a perinatalogist and get the slightly more intensive scans to KNOW the situation with your next baby's heart. I don't know your child's EXACT situation, and I wouldn't pretend to, but perhaps talk to the doctors about the future before you make any deicisons.

I imagine it wouldn't be an ideal pregnancy...course I can only speculate on those as I've never had what I "imagine" one would be!

Angela - wife to my gamer hubby and SAHM to Handsome autismribbon.gif 3/6/03 (~35wks), Princess 8/9/06: (33wks) - we are HELLP survivors, Bubbalicious 9/15/09 (FULL TERM!), and pos.gif oops...here we go AGAIN! (June/July 2012?)

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#12 of 25 Old 06-25-2007, 05:45 PM
 
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Your feelings are normal...

Ditto on Amys1st post... She hit the nail on the head there.

I'm terrified of more, but want them badly. I don't know how to figure that one out.
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#13 of 25 Old 06-27-2007, 09:47 PM
 
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I am glad we made the decison for Kaya to be our last before this whole experience. I had a tubal and have no regrets all......... the NICU is not something I want to repeat.
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#14 of 25 Old 06-29-2007, 09:19 PM
 
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I must be the odd one out...I have had 2 preemies and 2 difficult pregnancies and we are going to be trying again in september.

Yes I am scared. I know that more than likely I'll deliver early again. I know that more than likely there will be complications. But I have hope that maybe just maybe I won't and if I do I have a great medical team and a great Dh and a wonderful family. I would love to have a home birth and have a midwife and all of that and part of me is angry that I am too 'high risk' for that but, i love my children more than anything and to go through what we went through while stressful and horrible, I would not trade that for not having my babies.
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#15 of 25 Old 06-30-2007, 12:25 PM
 
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I must be the odd one out...I have had 2 preemies and 2 difficult pregnancies and we are going to be trying again in september.

I have 2 premature deliveries too (32 wks and 29 wks) and we chose to have more. I just didn't think it would be less than 6 month after giving birth to my 29 weeker. I'm scared of going early again but I saw a CNM yesterday and she thought I had a good chance of a full term baby. I'm going to start P17 shots in 5 weeks if I can get insurance approval so I'm hoping that will help with PTL. The CNM did write out the referral for Perinatology right at the first appointment though.

mama to six ('98, '00, '04, '04, '06, '08)
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#16 of 25 Old 07-04-2007, 04:28 PM
 
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Yes, I am scared, but I really want another one. Immediately after DD was born, I absolutely wanted no more. Six months later, I want one, but I am still scared (mainly of myself dying). I don't have an answer, but you aren't alone.
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#17 of 25 Old 07-04-2007, 09:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was pretty sure this was going to be my last pregnancy but I liked leaving my options open. Now I feel like I have no choice and cannot ever have another child. The heart defect was genetic apparently so any future children could also be born with it. I'd have to see a high risk OB, no chance for another HB. I'd likely have to give birth by cesarean if they found another defect. It all sounds so scary and it's not a risk I feel willing to take. Maybe it is because everything happened so recently? I don't know. I'm just feeling sad at the thought of never being pregnant and giving birth again.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#18 of 25 Old 07-05-2007, 04:13 PM
 
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I want more desperately, but because of complications with my surgery, (not really complications, the surgeon messed up) I can't have anymore. If I could have more, I would get pregnant again, but I would wait a few years till the boys are older and more independant, it would make bedrest easier.
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#19 of 25 Old 07-05-2007, 11:53 PM
 
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I had my first at 29 weeks.. Started dilating at 18, contracting at 20 and having regular (every 3-10 minute) contractions from 24 weeks until he was born... Was I scared the second time? Heck yes! My doc insisted that my first was just a "fluke" despite all of my problems and refused to do a cerclage... My second I started dilating at 17 weeks and my water broke at 27 and he was born that same day.. I was dilated 3-4 when my water broke and didnt even know it.. No thanks to an incompetent cervix... Anyway my second was not only preemie but has a TON of problems (spina bifida, chiari malformation, coloboma, lung problems, heart problems, head problems etc) I am super scared now and vowed to never have any more children.. Not only do I not want to put a baby through what mine has been through but I just dont feel like I could put myself through it anymore.. Sure Id love more kids but I dont want to chance it.
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#20 of 25 Old 07-06-2007, 02:30 AM
 
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I am glad that I only wanted to have one child before I had my premie.
If I even mention babies, my husband reminds me that we are having only one. He was terrified to lose me and our son. My pre-eclampsia got worse after I had a c-section.
I am sad I didn't get to have a vaginal birth, but looking forward to my friends having more children! I miss the cuddly baby stage (even though mine spent a lot of time screaming).

Two and a half years after the birth it doesn't seem as traumatic. Still afraid to go through that again.
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#21 of 25 Old 07-06-2007, 11:11 PM
 
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I was adament the entire 16 weeks my daughter was in the NICU that we were not going to have another baby for a long time.

I'm now 7 weeks pregnant and it was on purpose. We decided that no matter when we did it, the next pregnancy was going to be incredibly high risk and it was almost certainly going to be our last biological child, so might as well have our kids close together.

Then again, my DD is doing fairly well for a 24 weeker, and I had sudden onset pre-e, not PTL. If she was sicker or if I'd had PTL, I'd have a completely different opinion. Even if this one is full term we're taking steps to make sure we're done for awhile, but if this one is another preemie we're not having any more kids.

It's a really hard decision to make, and it really is absolutely terrifying no matter what you decide, I think.

-sarah-
mom to three, 4 and under.
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#22 of 25 Old 07-08-2007, 09:05 PM
 
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If I ever have more, I'll have to get a new DH first--support issues, trust issues, emotional issues, he clings to his family more than to me, etc. But since that's unlikely, I guess I won't have any more either. Afraid of trauma, too, but not necessarily preemie trauma. Just people trauma, like I had with DS. Am still getting over that, and 4 MOS PP, I've put my foot down and said no sex, b/c DH won't use condoms, and the pill isn't an option for me, and the IUD has risks I don't want either. Not to mention the fact that I just don't trust DH enough to do anything with him.
to all of you! I hope we all get through this...
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#23 of 25 Old 07-09-2007, 10:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Mrskennedy: 's to you. I'm sorry you are having trust issues with your DH.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#24 of 25 Old 07-09-2007, 11:03 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sandbmom View Post
I must be the odd one out...I have had 2 preemies and 2 difficult pregnancies and we are going to be trying again in september.

Yes I am scared. I know that more than likely I'll deliver early again. I know that more than likely there will be complications. But I have hope that maybe just maybe I won't and if I do I have a great medical team and a great Dh and a wonderful family. I would love to have a home birth and have a midwife and all of that and part of me is angry that I am too 'high risk' for that but, i love my children more than anything and to go through what we went through while stressful and horrible, I would not trade that for not having my babies.
Nah, you're not the only one! My first was a 32 wker, my third was a 36 wker with respiratory distress, both due to pre-eclampsia, and if you look at my sig, you'll see...we're doing it again! : The timing was off from what we planned, but we definitely planned another one. I will grant that our NICU stays were probably about as easy as a NICU stay can be. No surgeries, and after they each got through the first day, there was no fear that they wouldn't make it, etc. It might well have changed my mind if we spent months on end not knowing if we'd ever bring a baby home with us.

But I knew for sure I was ready, and not hoping for some magic "do-over" the day after my nephew was born. His mama also had pre-e, he was born at 31 wks. I went to visit and she was recovering from her c-section, on the magnesium, baby is down in the NICU on a vent, all that miserable stuff I know too well. And even seeing it, and re-living it (she was at the same hospital I had my boys at), I knew that even if that's what it took...I wanted another. It would be worth it to me.

But that was almost 5 years after my youngest, so it definitely took a while! If you're not morally opposed, I'd suggest an IUD. It's long term, there's nothing to remember, like with pills or condoms, and as far as I know, the vast majority of women who chose to concieve again do so easily once it's removed.
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#25 of 25 Old 07-11-2007, 03:18 AM
 
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Are these thoughts normal? Did anyone else go through this? Did you end up changing your mind? I feel like the stress I'd experience during pregnancy would be too much and I'd never be able to relax enough to have a healthy pregnancy.
I will never be able to use the words "relax" and "pregnancy" in the same sentence when referring to myself - but I do know you CAN have a healthy baby after 9 straight months of stress. My DD, who is now 6, was a preemie (29.5 weeks, did nearly 10 weeks in the NICU). Then I had 4 miscarriages. On try #5 - which I told DH early on was the last try - we got it right. Despite nine months of sheer hell emotionally, I had the perfect pregnancy PHYSICALLY, and DS was born at 39 weeks and over 8 pounds. Despite extreme stress, my BP never waivered from perfect lavels (unlike with DD). It can work "right" next time! Don't rush into any decisions either way. Consult with a perinatologist before conceiving next time, and more importantly, find a good OB (or midwife, etc) who "gets" your needs emotionally, not just physically. My saint of an OB was what really got me through DS's pregnancy. Because she knew I was so stressed, she started seeing me weekly from 26 weeks on, simply to keep me calm.

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