I feel really betrayed by my body, even 2.5 years after my ds's birth. Not only did I have a ton of 1st and 2nd trimester bleeding and eventually a 20 week pPROM, but once ds was born it was discovered that his cord was improperly implanted (on the veeeeeery edge of the placenta) and only 6 inches long.
I really want to use a midwife next time, but I feel terrified to just let things progress naturally b/c my first experience with "natural" was horrifying and could've been fatal for ds.
Wife to an amazing man , mommy to 3 wild dudes: ds1 (5/23/05 @ 30 weeks), ds2 (3/5/09) , and ds3 (9/26/10) . Part time librarian, full time mommy, occasional chef and maid.
For most people, yeah- birth is a natural process, yadda yadda yadda. Sorry to sound flippant, but I also have a tough time with the overall 'tone' of MDC regarding medical intervention. I'm no less AP with my child because I had a highly interventional birth, KWIM?
I have forgiven it (a very tough process) but I also look at the positive of my body- it pumped out gallons and gallons of liquid gold for MAggie that I personally feel saved her life and gave her the quality of life she has now. That was natural/nature working. The breastmilk smelled different, looked different etc than my milk did when I had dd 4 years earlier. It had a different contents because it had to get my baby growing. But I do know dozens of women who had so many issues pumping.
Just because we had a traumatic birth experience, that dosnet mean we cannot go on to trust our bodies with whatever it is. Its just like trusting your mothering instinct you have.
I guess I need to start fresh and trust my body again. What choice do I have if I want more children? It's all the more difficult knowing I'll need another c/s since I have a J-incision :
The one shred of faith that I have left, though, was salvaged by BFing. I EBF'd my son until 6 months, and he was just as chunky as he could be! I may not be able to grow a full-term baby, or even birth one, but I can sure as heck feed one adequately
Wife to J, SAHM to W (03/06) at 32w4d, C (10/08) , and H (02/11)
And to go beyond betrayal... I feel so ashamed of my body, so inadequate. I look at myself and feel like less of a person because I couldn't carry my baby and he had to pay the consequences.
But at this point, I have to say that someone I know just experienced a loss and that put things into perspective. My body failed me, but it allowed me to hang in there just long enough to keep DS alive, and now I see that things could be so much worse. And although my body screwed up, at least I am able to breastfeed, and knowing that every ounce of fat on his little body is there because of me is a very good feeling.
I worry about the next time. Will it happen again? Will I fail again? I wish I knew.
I will say making it so far this pregnancy has really helped me feel like I'm not defective after delivering early twice in a row. I'll be 35 weeks on Sunday which I know is still early but to me after a 29 weeker that may as well be term. I am so scared of the birth though. My 32 weekers were emergency c-section and my 29 weeker was an awful VBAC with heavy bleeding from the abruption.
I do feel a little betrayed, like my body failed my son. He was not premature, but born with a surprise heart defect and had open-heart surgery and an ICU stay. I feel guilty that my body could not form his heart properly and he had to go through so much because of it.
I *know* that I did everything right. I'm a labor doula and aspiring MW; pregnancy and birth are my life. I don't know what happened. I am very scared for future pregnancies and will probably have trust issues w/my body. It is so hard to not feel like maybe I did something wrong.
I echo what others have written- the one thing that really helped was being able to breastfeed. I remember repeating that over and over to myself- "At least this didn't get screwed up".
During both pregnancies I had gestational diabetes and I continue to struggle with my blood sugars. Because of this I fear I will never be able to have a homebirth. I do feel in someways that my body is failing me, but I wonder how much of that is my fault and/or the fault of how polluted our society has become and what kind of influence that has had on my body. I mean, I freely admit to living off of junk food/fast food for most of my life. I'm just not trying to change my habits and eat healthy for my own good. I want to get pregnant again, but I'd be lying to say that I'm not afraid of yet another high risk pregnancy. I feel I was lucky b/c even though my 2nd son was premature, I got to have the VBAC i wanted. Both my sons are healthy and thriving, so I sort of have faith in my body from that aspect. Also my experience with western medicine have been very love/hate. Most of the tests they've done (they said ds2 would have breathing prob, but he didnt) could've gone either way and were not really reliable enough for to me say I have a lot of trust in western medicine...however, b/c I need them and have had need of emergency services I feel very blessed to have had them there. Its just crazy like that. KWIM?
On a sillier note, my husband says the next time I get pregnant he wants twin girls. I said good, then I'll have experienced yet another High Risk qualifying pregnancy. I also tell him he can carry them for 9 months...LOL.
Of course, about half of twins are born prematurely, but everytime I meet a mom IRL or online who carried them to term, it makes me feel like a failure.
Yes, at least I exclusively breast-fed my kids until they were 7 months old, but that wasn't off to a great start in the beginning, between my only being able to pump small amounts of milk, being told by a NICU nurse that I probably wouldn't be able to nurse twins, and the bad advice I got from peds later on. Here they are, almost 2 years old and still nursing, so at least I DID get that right.
It's so sad that we feel this way...
But by the time it was all over, my illusions had been so shattered, I didn't feel betrayed. I felt an enormous respect for my body, not in the sense that I loved it to death, but that it could fail so completely, that it could be against me, that it could ruin my life, that it could make a baby, that it has so much power.
I guess I had never completely bought into the idea that we are "made to give birth," etc., etc. I'm a historian and I know childbirth used to be the #1 killer of women. It's dangerous. 100 years ago I would be dead and my baby would be dead.
The attitude that everything can be natural and go well only works now because there is an entire modern medical infrastructure there to catch us when we fall. Not that I love everything about modern medicine, but if it wasn't for all that technology my family wouldn't be here. In some countries on this earth right now, we'd both be dead. That screwed with me big time and now I give money every month to Doctors Without Borders. Guilt. My experience completely changed my attitude about modern medicine.
So I guess I would say not betrayal, but awe, in the sense that I feel awe of something with the power to crush my ideologies and beliefs with a good dose of reality.
1 - first pg i did everything perfect and ended up with a hb transfer and a csec and a full term baby very ill in the nicu. I couldnt even birth my baby - what a loser i was. I was a double footling breech uc. All my fam had easy homebirths. I struggled and did bf dd because i thought "well i f'd up her birth at least i can feed her properly."
2 - 2nd pg - i mc at 12 weeks. hemorraged(sp?) and was on bedrest. Not only did i not get a live baby but my supply waaaaaay dwindled and so dd1 was left with a very ill mom on bedrest and with very little milk. I just kept thinking "lovely, now my body has killed my baby."
3 - I had secondary infertility for 2 years. So then the thinking was "great, now my idiot body cant even get pregnant."
I felt like i couldnt birth, then i couldnt keep a baby alive, then i couldnt even GET pregnant.
I have had to work a ton to just be okay with my bdy. This will probably be my last pregnancy as i am 29 weeks and had HG this pg and have been so so sick and in the hosp for dehydration, on meds for the HG etc. I feel like i am being tested too. Like everything i know to be true is not true for me. I am the 1% It sucks to change my plans on how many children to have based on these really sucky circumstances. We wanted 4-5 kids and now we just cant fathom dealing with the stress to our family of mc/cs/infertility/hg etc. It is too much for everyone.
My body sucks at childbearing and breastfeeding. I feel betrayed indeed.
I absolutely feel betrayed by my body. Everything went wrong. My body hated being pregnant... and nearly every single organ in my body did everything it could to tell me that. The last straw... the final betrayal... was when I started my period just 6 wks. pp. It wasn't a big deal, but to me, it was like my body was saying "HA HA!! Screw you!!"
I worry about the next time. Will it happen again? Will I fail again? I wish I knew.
I've never heard it being said but I feel good to hear it and say it now.
My first was a 24wk stillborn
2nds was the 28wk dd
3rd was the 37wk - he's 4 m old and is so healthy I feel my dd lost out so many things.
But I found that life goes on, good things happen and I have received so much joy out of my preemie I would not exchange the experience for anything.
Its ok, so my body isnt the greatest, but my children are and I'll rear them up better than the drug user in the other post- and they will be happy and enjoy life with me.
Find a reason to be happy - a great marriage, a good job, a good family, or friends - you have to step in and say I wont let my body dictate my mind- every single time -
I was so depressed for 2 yrs- but you havent gone down that far - somebody somewhere went through worse than you.
- frank breech - stuck in there pprom at 34wks, was able to go to 8cm without any pain and very minor discomfort (was cracking jokes in between contractions even when they were only 1min apart) - led to an emergency c-section
- had planned a home birth, was cleared for a home birth by the head of obstetrics of a hospital where my midwife has privileges
- 32wk u/s - technician said "your cervix is iron-clad shut"
- i had to pump exclusively for 2.5mths before my son woke up one day and magically latched - i cried through most of those sessions - especially when it would take 45min-hr to pump enough for one session
- ppd - i hurt myself and finally found help in homeopathic remedies and vitamin supplements
- i got my period back 4wks after he was born, and it is now heavier than pre-preg, and pretty regular too
- i created a very calm birth for my son - i laughed and sang and meditated through all of the trauma - he came out extremely alert and i held him for 10 minutes before they whisked him away to the nicu
- i did acupressure on him gently and he left the nicu in 1 week - not weeks - as they had told us over and over again
- i got up within an hour and a half of my c-section and walked around the room - i refused any pain meds and took nothing, not even a tylenol - i was determined to try and turn the situation around
- i demanded a pump straight away - if i couldn't have my baby with me, i was going to provide for him, and the hospital's focus was not on breastfeeding
- i found remedies to deal with ppd and not affect my breastfeeding relationship with my son
- my body provides for my son, and 9mths later i nurse him and he is so healthy
- so my body may have failed me in birth, but has succeeded in his life and i am learning to forgive myself and find gratitude in the things made right...
mama to callum (april 8,07) and everett (sept 24,09) - blessed to be married to my life's love since '98.
I hope you find peace, all you mamas! You are NOT failures. I assure you.
to all you mamas.
Not a mom of a preemie, but my DD was stillborn, and yes, I absolutely felt that way, even more so after my subsequent miscarriage. I think it is a normal reaction when things don't go right. It's so hard to accept that it just *happened* that we have to blame something. And of course, when you do everything you can to have a healthy pregnancy, all that's really left to blame is your body. I hated people with healthy babies for so long. Especially ones who seemed to take it for granted, rolling their eyes at their children's crying when I would give ANYTHING to hear my child's cry.
to all you mamas.
I'm really not sure I've put that behind me, I guess I'll find out when we TTC. One thing I do remember helping was one day my mom, tired of hearing those comments, just looked at me and said, "Wendy, if God wanted those babies to stay inside of you, He could have stopped it." I know that wouldn't help some people (Why *didn't* He stop it then?) but it was just the kind of comment I needed at the time.
Turns out the placenta was uber infected; I'd had no outward signs/symptoms. The amniotic fluid had been clear but there was meconium staining on the membranes. There were fetal nucleanated red blood cells which indicated hypoxia. So I did find out why my babies needed to be born early; I'd have a much more difficult time dealing if I hadn't found out why my body didn't want to stay pregnant.
Having our son at 31 weeks due to a placental abruption was just another example of how my body, for lack of a better word, sucks.
But I temper my frustration and anger with the fact that I am able to walk (unlike others with my condition) and that not everyone who has a placental abruption has a child who survived...or came out of it with their own life...
We both have todder onset Charcot Marie Tooth 1A.
I guess I had never completely bought into the idea that we are "made to give birth," either. Childbirth used to be the #1 killer of women and It's dangerous. In NY in the 30's more women died between 20 and 40 from that cuase alone tan anything else.
Star Mora, I puzzled as to why you refused any pain meds and took nothing, not even a tylenol post-c-sec. I'm not sure about your area but here there is an armory of suitable meds for post c-sec which don't affect BF-ing or the supply. That might be useful to look into.
My son and I would have been dead as little as 20 years ago, which I found scary since I was within my childbearing years then. My blood pressure was nearly uncontrollable with everything they could throw at it now.
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