how do you feel towards DH right now? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 04-09-2007, 04:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm a bit annoyed. I feel he's not there for me emotionally, never really has been with our other 2 kids. With my 1st, I wouldn't see him for days. He'd go to work for 10 hrs (leave at 7am), then go over his best friend's and drink, not come home till 2am. I was very lonely, and put on bedrest at 16 weeks with that one. We had a LOT of issues after having our DD that I still can't get over.

He's great to me, listens to whatever I need, but lately I'm just fed-up. He ignores me when I talk, doesn't answer me or gives me 1 word answers.

Won't give me a break away from the kids. I am SO freaking exhausted lately, but nope, not even for an hour.

He doesn't get the hint, although I've told him numerous times that it's too hard for me and it hurts for me to sleep on the bottom bunk with the kids in their room (no cable in there either). So, he gets to sleep in our bed, by himself, all comfy with cable.

There's days that go by and he won't change 1 diaper.

I do all the laundry and he won't take up the big tubs w/out being asked. Now he won't take them upstairs for me at all. Forgets I guess.

He started paying bills online without telling me, therefore taking money out of my checking acct and I came close to bouncing checks b/c of that. They were either getting paid 2ce a month, or not at all b/c he'd take them, forget to pay them, and I'd have no idea.

He never wants to just snuggle anymore, or even sit next to me. He only does so when he wants something, and damnit, I ain't in the mood nor physical shape for that. I did think about using him just to see if we could jump start labor, but I don't know. It's too hard having 2 lil' kids around, kwim?

I really needed to vent. I could go on and on too

How's everyone's DH? Anyone having "issues" like me?
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#2 of 16 Old 04-09-2007, 04:25 PM
 
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Issues, yes, oh my goodness yes.

It's our first, and a surprise, we weren't even living together until last November.

He's way stressed with job, school, pending fatherhood and me being very, very, pregnant.

But he does manage to surprise me sometimes (both good and bad, I mean the good here). Other times I wonder who he is and wtf I'm doing. But at that point I calm myself down and remind myself that no, driving twenty hours eastward wouldn't be a good idea...and that I am very, very pregnant (i.e.: hormones).

I'm just extra needy right now, physically and emotionally. It's not so easy to carry 40 pound water jugs up the stairs (I've got that much on my body!), or empty the recycling every other day, even getting out of bed is a feat. And I literally have to beg for sex. The nurse today almost wrote me a "doctors note" for that. How embarrassing...

Thanks for the vent.

I'm sorry you're going through this, especially right now. You have a definite right to be more than a bit annoyed...vent some more if needed
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#3 of 16 Old 04-09-2007, 06:17 PM
 
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My DH helps a ton with the kids and gives me time in the evening or weekends to regroup... he does irritate me of course with certain things. Nothing major really. I am hoping this gets us through that first few months of "I hate my husband-itis" LOL I had it BAD with kid #1 and not too bad with kid #2...
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#4 of 16 Old 04-09-2007, 08:04 PM
 
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so sorry to hear this..you've been through so much with this pregnancy.

I don't have any immediate advice - you are so close to the birth, I'd just be trying to get as much rest as possible despite his being unhelpful... I um, think i'd insist on being given the bed for the remainder of the pregnancy - I mean - come on! Do you have help coming after this babe is born?
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#5 of 16 Old 04-09-2007, 08:09 PM
 
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My dh is wonderful, we've been through this a few times. Just being the kind of person he is though, he would never dismiss me, would never ignore my complaints of pain or discomfort, regardless of whether I am pregnant or not. He feels really badly that I will probably have to help out getting the kids to school in the mornings right now. (Our oldest boys get up at 5am, and we stay up with them) He wanted me to not have to get up at all in the mornings until I wanted to, but since my oldest dd moved out this past weekend, he will need my help. I certainly don't mind, he will take more on somewhere else to make it up to me, although it isn't necessary.

To be honest, my dh doesn't usually change diapers, but that doesn't bother me in the least. He will, if I ask or if he is home alone. But he will not hesitate to give a bath, hold a crying baby/toddler, make a meal for all of us, clean up a mess, go grocery shopping alone if I am not up to it (we usually go together every Friday night).... He will totally listen to me cry and complain about anything, and won't make me feel like I don't matter or that my concerns are trivial.

How do I feel towards him right now? I feel very blessed to have him as my dh. I feel safe and secure. I know he will drop everything when I call to say I need him. After 22 years together, he can often know what I need before I ever realize it myself. Sometimes, I don't even need to call to tell him I need him, he just knows.
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#6 of 16 Old 04-09-2007, 08:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by wildthing View Post
My dh is wonderful, we've been through this a few times. Just being the kind of person he is though, he would never dismiss me, would never ignore my complaints of pain or discomfort, regardless of whether I am pregnant or not. He feels really badly that I will probably have to help out getting the kids to school in the mornings right now. (Our oldest boys get up at 5am, and we stay up with them) He wanted me to not have to get up at all in the mornings until I wanted to, but since my oldest dd moved out this past weekend, he will need my help. I certainly don't mind, he will take more on somewhere else to make it up to me, although it isn't necessary.

To be honest, my dh doesn't usually change diapers, but that doesn't bother me in the least. He will, if I ask or if he is home alone. But he will not hesitate to give a bath, hold a crying baby/toddler, make a meal for all of us, clean up a mess, go grocery shopping alone if I am not up to it (we usually go together every Friday night).... He will totally listen to me cry and complain about anything, and won't make me feel like I don't matter or that my concerns are trivial.

How do I feel towards him right now? I feel very blessed to have him as my dh. I feel safe and secure. I know he will drop everything when I call to say I need him. After 22 years together, he can often know what I need before I ever realize it myself. Sometimes, I don't even need to call to tell him I need him, he just knows.

This brought me to tears! How very inspiring your family is...just amazingly beautiful.


My husband tries to do everything he can but sometimes he is distant and a little oblivious. He sometimes thinks that things are not so important when they are very important and treats trivial things like they are extremely pertinent. There's a ton of family stuff going on right now with his grandpa dying and us moving to a different city and our budget being cut in less than half. It can get pretty tense but my biggest complaint is is that he often just doesn't 'get it', which I guess can be typical of a 25 year old guy.

Jenns_3_babies- It seems like at this time the best you can do is try to create as much emotional safety for yourself as possible. And please, go on venting if you need to
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#7 of 16 Old 04-09-2007, 09:01 PM
 
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Your post sounds like you have accidentally slipped into a "victim" mentality. You need to empower yourself. Why keep doing all of the laundry, if he doesn't help? Definitely stop doing his.


Why hint at things? Make demands. Tell him that you want to sleep on the bed. Tell him that you are going out, and he is going to watch the kids. Tell him that he is in charge of changing the diapers after 6:00. You need to start taking control. Don't let him get away with one word responses. Demand more. Otherwise you are going to keep getting walked on, and it will be your own doing.

You need to occupy space in full-force. Make room for yourself!
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#8 of 16 Old 04-09-2007, 10:54 PM
 
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I am sorry to hear that you and your spouse are having a rough time. This can be a stressful time. I agree with wirewendy I would be more explicit in my needs and just expect what you need to be done.

Happily Married to my : 11 yrs- Mama to wild-eyed monkey boy 7-04, fiery little girl 4-07, and the happy smiley baby that sleeps 11-09!
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#9 of 16 Old 04-09-2007, 11:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know. I just feel like after almost 6 yrs, I shouldn't have to ask or to imply anything, he should just know. When I was working, up to a month ago, we had this silent arrangement...he'd give the kids a bath, and I'd do all the laundry. But now, it's all changed since I'm home, waiting for our 3rd child. My days just never seem to end, it's the same thing over and over. I do make all the decisions around here, make sure all the bills get out, etc. He's very sensitive, just sometimes oblivious to what I want/need. I know it's a partnership, and he is the only one working now. He puts in 50-55 hrs a week with only sundays off so I kinda feel obligated to do everything around here.

I think my main complaint is that I feel like I'm constantly talking to a F'ing wall. I've said it to him repeated number of times, but nothing really changes. I just need his companionship right now. I've yelled at him, ignored him, given him 1 word answers, made comments like I'm answering myself when I talk to him, but he just doesn't get it or change. I guess you really can't teach an old dog new tricks.

I do tell him I need a break from the kids, or I'm overly exhausted (like I did today), or I don't feel well, but oh no....he doesn't feel well either and pouts around the house following me around so I know that. God, men can be such babies sometimes.

I think my hormones are getting the best of me and cause me to be annoyed at the littlest things, or things that I normally just get used to. He is the best that I could ever hope for, but these things just get to me anymore
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#10 of 16 Old 04-09-2007, 11:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think as mommytwo put it....I'm having a case of "I hate my hubby itis".

And, no 13 sandals, there's no help coming after the baby. I think our families are a bit annoyed at how many times I've been pg, and they've made comments how 2 kids was o.k. I asked my sister yesterday if she was taking a vacation or anything this month when the baby came, or if she wanted to stay here a couple days, and she flat out w/out skipping a beat said no. She only lives 45 minutes away. My MIL lives right across the street, but I can't count on her as she's forgotten to babysit for my dr's appts a few times : .

now that I think about it, I only got some help with my 1st. She was easy. Having 1 baby seems like a breeze now compared to my 19 month old constantly having temper tantrems, biting, kicking, head butting, screaming, then my 3 1/2 yr old always wanting something. You get the point.
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#11 of 16 Old 04-09-2007, 11:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I also have to ask.... .are there really men out there that rub your feet and back when you're pg? Mine only rubs my back w/o me asking when he wants some.
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#12 of 16 Old 04-10-2007, 12:51 AM
 
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Yes, there are. Mine rubs my feet or back whenever I complain about being sore, pregnant or not.

I am sorry things are tough for you, Jenn. I hope my post didn't sound insensitive, or make you feel bad. I hope your dh steps up this time for you.
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#13 of 16 Old 04-10-2007, 04:55 AM
 
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I'm right there with you but if I let any of it out right now, I just don't think I could stop.

belly.gif to  jumpers.giflol.gif wonderful people with  baby.gif on the way!

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#14 of 16 Old 04-10-2007, 06:45 AM
 
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That is awful about your family. Why is it that the help always wants to come after the first, but not subsequently? I haven't got any offers this time around either and am terrified. However, dh will be off at least 2 weeks and we have decided if need be he will take extra time fmla.

I agree you shouldn't have to ask for help, he should just know. He should see you in pain and misery and full of his child and instinctively do whatever he can to help and protect you. However, as he isn't doing this I think for your own well-being it would be best to speak up. You NEED help mama. Not that I wouldn't say a few choice words to my spouse if that is how I felt.

Happily Married to my : 11 yrs- Mama to wild-eyed monkey boy 7-04, fiery little girl 4-07, and the happy smiley baby that sleeps 11-09!
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#15 of 16 Old 04-10-2007, 10:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by wildthing View Post
Yes, there are. Mine rubs my feet or back whenever I complain about being sore, pregnant or not.

I am sorry things are tough for you, Jenn. I hope my post didn't sound insensitive, or make you feel bad. I hope your dh steps up this time for you.
Actually, just the opposite. I was really glad to read your post. I'm glad to know that there are great guys out there who not only stand by your side during the good and bad times, but also while pg : . Mine just doesn't get that part. Plus, I want to hear the good stories, along with the bad right now about DH's. It goes to show how different everyone's relationship is. Plus, look you've been together for 22 yrs, and he's still *that* good to you!! SOunds like you've got yourself a keeper.

BTW, my DH musta known just from the look on my face when he came home I wasn't a happy mamma. All night long he kept following me around, TALKING, and initiating the conversation (for once), and asking if I was ok.
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#16 of 16 Old 04-10-2007, 12:21 PM
 
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Well since you asked: , my dh is pretty cool. He is my biggest supporter, not just when pregnant. He validates me & my feelings constantly. I truly would go : without him. When Alexa died, I was so worried we would be come on of those that divorce after the death of a child. For us, it made us that much closer. In fact, he was done with having kids. It is just to scary at this point, but I told him I can not close that door. So here we are 9 months pg, because I wanted it, not him. He cares for us/me that much.
On the practical side, he does all the laundry right now, & dishes & vaccuming. He bathes the dog & washes the cars. He will cook when I do not feel like it & he takes the kids to school daily. He is also our sole provider as I am a SAHM.
I could not imagine having a partner that left it all to me, that is not a partner. Yes, I have seen men like that (friends dh) & it makes me grateful for the man I am married too. A secure man, that will do "womens" work to please his wife & children. He is an awesome example to our children, one for my dd to look for & one for my ds to strive to be. We have been married 15.5 years.
Now, do I get pissy with him, you bet. It is not all butterflys & fairies, BUT, I remember all that he does for me & our kids. I have a deep love for him & remember that when my hormones are RAGING! Another good thing about our relationship, is that it is forgiving & accomdating. Nothing is perfect, but a partnership is a give & take (although I am doing alot of the taking right now, he knows that will end in a bit!). It is deep respect & adoration.
I am sorry you do not have that right now. I also do not think that is something you can change, either it is there or it is not. Good Luck to you during this time.

Cristina - "If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded." Maya Angelou
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