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#1 of 33 Old 09-28-2006, 06:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband and I have told everyone but my mother. Any advice on telling a mom who doesn't like your husband or any of the choices you've made for your life? I am her only child, and this is the first baby. : Any advice or word of encouragement would be greatlyl appreciated.
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#2 of 33 Old 09-28-2006, 06:39 PM
 
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Navy Mommy, You're in MOnterey?????? Yay, I'm in Marina!! Woo Hoo! A local mama!!!

Now on to your question... I was a little scared to break the news with my first pg. It was scary. My parents had all these ideas in their head and fantasy's about who they wanted me to grow up to be. I knew I wasn't in a good financial position to have a baby. I had only been married for 2 months and they hardly knew my husband at that point. They wanted me to finish school, get my degree, start a career, make money, buy a house... you know, do all the things that they never did. But I always had to do things my way, to their dismay . I knew I wanted a baby right away and my husband was wanting to wait a bit, we got pregnant accidentally. I waited a few days before telling my parents. I needed to get over the shock myself, first. But when I did, I just told them matter of factly that DH and I were pregnant and that I was thrilled. They expressed their concern at first, but eventually they warmed up to it. And by the time I was 20 weeks and showing they were honestly excited. Now they are completely obsessed with their grandbaby, they couldn't love her more. I was nervous at first to tell them about baby #2 on the way, but once again, I just followed it up with how excited I was and how ready I felt to have another baby and they are totally supportive. I think if you just really express how excited you are, it's hard to not be excited along with you. And in the end, it's your life, it's your choice, it's your husband, it's your baby.

Welcome to MDC, mama!

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#3 of 33 Old 09-28-2006, 06:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks. My husband goes to DLI out here, our apartment is actually in Pacific Grove. ... haha we move in Oct. 15th!! YAY!
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#4 of 33 Old 09-28-2006, 07:00 PM
 
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I work in PG! Where are you moving?

Jenn, future midwife, mama to 2 sweet girls (6/05) and (5/07). 
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#5 of 33 Old 09-28-2006, 09:53 PM
 
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I just wanted to say that babies have a way of softening people I'm sure your mom will be thrilled to find out that she's gonna be a grandma! Best of luck!
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#6 of 33 Old 09-28-2006, 10:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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the shangri-la apartments. I've never been there. Right now I'm in Dallas finishing up some stuff and he's set it all up. Do you know where that is??
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#7 of 33 Old 09-28-2006, 11:40 PM
 
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We are worried about telling family too. We might be moving out of state so we don't know which news to break to them first.
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#8 of 33 Old 09-29-2006, 12:34 AM
 
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I just wanted to mention you're not alone is being worried about how to tell family.

We are expecting #5, my mother will probably die when she finds out. She has had nasty things to say everytime I told her I was pg, she doesn't think it is a good idea for me to have kids, she thinks it will hold me back in life, prevent me from being "successful" ... What she doesn't understand is that the kids make me successful. I am planning on not telling our extended family (including our kids) until after Christmas. Even on the phone tonight, I was talking to dh's aunt and I mentioned my pile of chaos that happened (in retrospect it was quite funny, I had four kids and two dogs running in different directions, two covered in paint, and one with a bleeding nose) and she said well how would you do that with 5 kids? of course she doesn't know that I"m pregnant but obviously she thinks its a bad idea too.
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#9 of 33 Old 09-29-2006, 09:20 AM
 
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DH and I haven't told anyone either (except my acupuncturist). I'm waiting until after the 6 week u/s and maybe the 8 week nurses visit. My mother is so paranoid about "not saying anything for 3 months" that I'm afraid that she will freak out if I tell her early. It was really hard when we were home last weekend, since I didn't drink. I told them that "my acupuncturist said I couldn't drink until my rash cleared up" LOL! (I have eczema, and haven't been able to use my super duper healing cream... my arms are a mess...)
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#10 of 33 Old 09-29-2006, 11:20 AM
 
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With my first pregnancy I hid it from my parents because I wasn't married and they wouldn't approve. So at 5 months along I couldn't handle any more of the baggy sweaters and I left a note on her computer screen before I left her house one day. It took her a few weeks but as soon as she got to go out shopping she started to get very excited. Now she can't imagine not being a Grandma!

I am almost 6 weeks along now and hiding it from DH. He doesn't want any more kids and has made that very clear. So I'm dreading his non-supportive reaction. I'll tell him soon though.

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#11 of 33 Old 09-29-2006, 11:34 AM
 
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Well....I wish I had advice, but I don't. However, we can paddle this boat together!!!
See...I got pregnant with DS at the tender age of 16 (after being on the pill for about 18 months). And I never told my parents...my mom found a Planned Parenthood card in my room. That was when I was 8 weeks along. My mom freaked and my dad...well...he didn't care much. They both love Makena so much now! They always have.
BUT my mom although she would never admit it, to her kids are a burden and take away from you and your goals. Not to mention they wish I'd just go to medschool instead of being a midwife!
BUT, with my miscarriage, I didn't want to tell them, but DP was like we should. I had a bad feeling about the pregnancy. And we told them at 5 weeks. They freaked a little, but oh well. What did I honestly expect? Plus, I told them while my Grammy was around and so it makes things better.
NOW.....I am 6 weeks plus a couple days and will not tell them untill Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday, my Grammy will again be here and I will be like...15 weeks. Let's just hope I wont be at a birth!!!
As for DP's parents and family, they are all sexist rednecks(pardon my frecnh, but they have done nothing good for us and actually have screwed us over a handfull of times...I could go on and on) AND his parents moved to Hawaii...so we will just send a birth annoucment in the mail.
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#12 of 33 Old 09-29-2006, 12:04 PM
 
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I am fairly sure that MY parents will be supportive although it may be along winter if my dad decides not to talk to me again (we didn't speak for 18 months after I moved out for university). My mom has been hinting for babies for a couple of years now. DH's parents will be absolutely thrilled, but they already have a few grandkids, this will be a first for my side.

I'm a little concerned about my grandparents reaction. I'm not sure that anyone will tell them anyways. My grandparents are all in their late 80's and in poor health. My mother doesn't expect at least two of them to make it through another winter. I can just see that if someone told them, my senile grandparents would be SO offended that I didn't invite them to the wedding that MUST have happened if we're having kids now! This will be a first great-grandkid on my mom's side so I think someone will tell them but I have no idea.

(DH and I are common-law, but have no plans to get legally married for at least a few more years due to some legal issues with his ex. My parents are ok with it and so are his...)

Mom to Kayleigh (05/07) Jacob (05/09) and Ned decluttering 615/2010
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#13 of 33 Old 09-29-2006, 12:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EarthyMamaofDaisy View Post
I am almost 6 weeks along now and hiding it from DH. He doesn't want any more kids and has made that very clear. So I'm dreading his non-supportive reaction. I'll tell him soon though.
Oh Mama, I hope you're wrong about your DH's reaction. Please keep us posted?
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#14 of 33 Old 09-29-2006, 01:05 PM
 
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I haven't read any of the replies yet...

I could have written your post! My mom and my relationship is so rocky, I don't even know if we are on speaking terms right now. : I want to tell everyone - and most of our friends do know - but I know she'd be super angry if other family found out before we told her. I thought I wasn't going to play that game again, but wound up just emailing her today to tell her. Still waiting for a response...

She wasn't happy with my first, she was mad b/c I was too young and she was just nasty about it. I don't understand why, I didn't live with her and she never, ever supported us or even babysat, but whatever. She wasn't happy about the second because she thought they were too close (18m) and didn't think they should be any closer than 5 years. My third, her (or my dad, I forget) said "well...congratulations, if that's what you want." I didn't even want to tell her with my fourth, so my sister did. And she didn't understand why I didn't want to tell her! So this time, I just emailed her. At least it will give her time to hear it without having to react immediately.

Hopefully, it goes well for you! Sorry, obviously I don't have any words of wisdom for you, just wanted to let you know I can relate.

...off to read the other posts.
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#15 of 33 Old 09-29-2006, 01:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by EarthyMamaofDaisy View Post
I am almost 6 weeks along now and hiding it from DH. He doesn't want any more kids and has made that very clear. So I'm dreading his non-supportive reaction. I'll tell him soon though.

Oh, I'm so sorry! I hope he responds better than you expect...you never know! Hugs, momma!
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#16 of 33 Old 09-29-2006, 01:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Navy_Mommy View Post
the shangri-la apartments. I've never been there. Right now I'm in Dallas finishing up some stuff and he's set it all up. Do you know where that is??
Yep, I know exactly where that is. I helped a friend move out of those apartments a few years ago!

Jenn, future midwife, mama to 2 sweet girls (6/05) and (5/07). 
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#17 of 33 Old 09-29-2006, 01:47 PM
 
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When I was preg with #2 (who is now just about 18m), I was nervous about telling my father, as it was another unplanned pregnancy and I was not married, etc. Given that my father certainly isn't conservative, I didn't think he'd react *that* badly, tho I was still nervous. However, he was bull**** to say the least (for various reasons), and didn't speak to me for months.

I finally sent him an email and was like, dude, I'm an adult (29 at the time), I'm not looking for your approval, get over yourself, or you needn't be involved in this baby's life.

He got over it

E ~ Mostly-SAHM to 3 amazing boys (and another little guy still percolating, due 5/10)! :
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#18 of 33 Old 10-03-2006, 12:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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[QUOTE=MonkeyPrincess;6151438]I haven't read any of the replies yet...

I could have written your post! My mom and my relationship is so rocky, I don't even know if we are on speaking terms right now. : I want to tell everyone - and most of our friends do know - but I know she'd be super angry if other family found out before we told her. I thought I wasn't going to play that game again, but wound up just emailing her today to tell her. Still waiting for a response...

Well, everyone does already know about this first baby... I wasn't going to do it that way, but it's just worked out that way. I was suppose to pick up some final things from her home before finally moving all of our stuff to CA.. but she told me that she was going to be gone for the next 2 weeks, and I'm leaving sooner then that. She said she would just 'mail me my stuff' so, I guess I'll probably end up emailing her. She's been truly horribly about me and my husband. We are that typical happy young newly weds...

Anyways, I guess what I want to know now is, Do you think someone can have a happy pregnancy, and happy family/life without the support of their mom? I have the support of my dad & my step mom, and all 4 of his parents...but not my mom. Do you think it's enough?
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#19 of 33 Old 10-03-2006, 03:34 AM
 
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BUT my mom although she would never admit it, to her kids are a burden and take away from you and your goals. Not to mention they wish I'd just go to medschool instead of being a midwife!
this is my mom to a T ! except I went to nursing school and my first was born when I was 18
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#20 of 33 Old 10-03-2006, 05:28 PM
 
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My mom wasnt too happy when I first got pregnant with Darlene. It was a little tough at first.
Now, my children have completely changed her. She wouldnt trade them for the world. She loves them as much as I do!
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#21 of 33 Old 10-04-2006, 08:32 PM
 
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My parents have never been very supportive. My step-dad was really mean when I was pregnant with dd1. I was dreading telling them about this one, but they actually took it quite well. I called my mom and she could tell I had something to tell her. She asked me if we were moving to Texas (we're awaiting news about a transfer for dh) and I said, "NO! I'm pregnant!". She was a little surprised, then she started begging me to move back to AZ. I wish, but its just not possible (we are a military family too).

They're all freaked about because I *still* haven't graduated from college (I'm on the 8 year plan...I'll be 30 next year). I am so close to graduating and they just don't want to see anything come in the way. Interestingly enough, my mother never graduated from college...but apparently that standard doesn't apply to her.

Dh was just in Monterey at the air show. Will you deliver in a civilian hospital, or at Travis AFB? I had dd1 at Travis I was also active duty there, so I love that place.
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#22 of 33 Old 10-04-2006, 11:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My parents have never been very supportive. My step-dad was really mean when I was pregnant with dd1. I was dreading telling them about this one, but they actually took it quite well. I called my mom and she could tell I had something to tell her. She asked me if we were moving to Texas (we're awaiting news about a transfer for dh) and I said, "NO! I'm pregnant!". She was a little surprised, then she started begging me to move back to AZ. I wish, but its just not possible (we are a military family too).

They're all freaked about because I *still* haven't graduated from college (I'm on the 8 year plan...I'll be 30 next year). I am so close to graduating and they just don't want to see anything come in the way. Interestingly enough, my mother never graduated from college...but apparently that standard doesn't apply to her.

Dh was just in Monterey at the air show. Will you deliver in a civilian hospital, or at Travis AFB? I had dd1 at Travis I was also active duty there, so I love that place.
What branch are y'all? I was at a birth at the Community Hospitol on Monterey Pennisula (C.H.O.M.P.. I love that ) this past August. So, I was really thinking about having it there. How was Travis AFB? ... What is Travis AFB?? haha, as you can see: I've totally done my homework . I think one reason my mom has such a big problem with my husband is because he's Military... although: she has gotten better about it since she's become friends with an ex-military spouse who just couldn't have been happier about her experience... Thank GOD for her... I still haven't told my mother... right now, I don't even want her to know because I don't want her around the baby if she still dislikes me and Jason. She isn't one of those that can dislike someone and keep their mouths shut. : And I really don't want to go and pick up my child and for them to say 'grandma says ___ about daddy.' No child should hear things like that. ya know?
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#23 of 33 Old 10-05-2006, 12:17 AM
 
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We're Air Force We live on NAS Lemoore (3 hours south of you). My husband is technically attached to Travis (its right in the middle of Sacramento and San Fran).

You know, when I joined the AF (I did my 4 years and got out in 2000) my family was so angry at me (not because of any political convictions, not hardly). I was going to college at the time and they were so disappointed in me. Recently I was back at Lackland AFB (where I went through boot camp) and I called my step dad. I told him, "sometimes I just can't believe I did that." He responded with, "and we are just so proud of you for doing that!" : huh? My parents are crazy...seriously. Now, after they've seen that dh and I have created a really good life for ourselves they are okay with my past. They even brag about us to their friends...its crazy.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is just keep being happy, keep doing what you know to be right. In the end they'll all see that you knew what you were doing. Seriously, when I was pregnant with dd1 my parents were ashamed of me, they didn't tell any of their friends. They did not want me to come home for visits for fear their friends would see me. I was 21 and I was married before I got pregnant...by their standards I should have been "okay".

I could go on for days! I'd just tell your mom and quit worrying about it. Be prepared for the worst and make sure your dh is home to provide you support. My stepdad was a total creep when I told him I was pregnant with dd1. Here's our phone conversation:

Stepdad: So, what are you doing???

Me: Well, this isn't what Will and I planned, but apparently God had different plans for us.

Stepdad: What makes you think God had anything to do with this?

Me: sobbing so hard I couldn't talk....

I called my grandparents next, and they were so excited for us they could hardly stand it. I called them first with baby2 and baby3. My mom asked me why I called her last (this time) and I took her for a stroll down memory lane....good times.
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#24 of 33 Old 10-05-2006, 12:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Sometimes the best thing you can do is just keep being happy, keep doing what you know to be right. In the end they'll all see that you knew what you were doing. Seriously, when I was pregnant with dd1 my parents were ashamed of me, they didn't tell any of their friends. They did not want me to come home for visits for fear their friends would see me. I was 21 and I was married before I got pregnant...by their standards I should have been "okay".

I could go on for days! I'd just tell your mom and quit worrying about it. Be prepared for the worst and make sure your dh is home to provide you support. My stepdad was a total creep when I told him I was pregnant with dd1.
I'll be 20 in January. I left college after 1 semester. When she sent me to boarding school (just before my 16th birthday, sophmore year) I wanted to me a lawyer for the DA's office. But after 2.5 years, I realized what I truely wanted: a good family: a good husband, and wonderful children...and to be just a mom, stay-at-home, nothing unique just a mom. She doesn't accept that in those years I was gone, that I changed like that. Right now I'm thinking about just emailing her. I can't stand the thought of telling her in Person, and the phone well,... she can make me feel awful. Email: I can just not read her response! Plus, she is on vacay for a few weeks, and she can just get it when she gets back: when I'm back with my husband in case things go bad. Everything I have done since the middle of highschool has been a HUGE dissapointment for my mom. and I just have this 'oh well' attitude now.
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#25 of 33 Old 10-05-2006, 10:30 PM
 
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a little tiny update--i told my mom last week. she stayed remarkably calm considering, but she's also trying hard to just not think about it.

i also made her swear not to tell my dad!

but at least i know my mom won't turn her back on me

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#26 of 33 Old 10-11-2006, 12:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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As some of you have read, I have really been afraid of telling my mom. Well, on Friday I begin my long lonely DRIVE to CA to be with dh. I will be picking up the last of my belongings at her house tomorrow. I have been talking to my stepmom and we both agree that I should tell her about the baby tomorrow. However, I am not looking forward to this at all. I just hope that she doesn't completely overreact like she is capable of doing... and let's me out of the house. Last time I told her news she didn't accept in person, I left for a month w/o telling her where I was. I know I don't want that to happen, but I just can't let her ruin my first pregnancy, my happy new marriage, and eventually first baby experiences. I refuse. I can just hope that she accepts the information, listens, says only a few things about how bad of an idea she thinks it is (not to mention how she feels about my dh). I don't want to leave angry at her, but I'm afraid that is exactly what is going to happen. So, I'm goinig to listen to happy music all the way there (some happy "I can't wait to sing this to the baby music"... haha, lately it's been "You'll be in my heart" from Tarzan... haha love Phil Collins.. And then maybe angry hard rock for the way home) I am just too excited about this baby to let ANYONE ruin for me, even my own mother.

Any words of encouragement for either before I go, or for when I get back would be great!!
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#27 of 33 Old 10-11-2006, 12:42 AM
 
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You'll survive! It can be so emotional when you just want your parents to be happy for you, and you know they won't. Just know that someday this baby will mean the world to your mother. My stepdad was the meanest when I was pregnant with dd1, and I am certain if you asked him today, he can't imagine his life being happy without her. They have a special bond, and he adores her. I thought he'd be upset about this baby too, and I am shocked to hear that he has already started talking about where he wants to plant this little one's tree (each grandchild has their own tree). Its a small gesture but it means a lot to me.

You may not get her approval during this pregnancy, but continue living your life and being happy and she'll come around. Let us know how it goes!
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#28 of 33 Old 10-11-2006, 12:59 AM
 
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I was a little freaked out about telling my mom too. She loves my DH but we are not married (legally) and I was afraid that she would be upset that we had, once again, "put the cart before the horse". Instead she shreiked, babbled, hugged me, cried, and was generally very happy about it. She then phoned my dad and told him (thanks mom, sigh) and even HE was happy about it. I figured he'd frown, purse his lips and ignore me for three years again.

I hope that your mother surprises you and is happy about your pregnancy and eventually comes around about your husband. Surely when she sees how happy he makes you and what a nice family you have that she will realize that THAT is what you want and that she should be happy that YOU are happy.

Mom to Kayleigh (05/07) Jacob (05/09) and Ned decluttering 615/2010
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#29 of 33 Old 10-11-2006, 01:59 AM
 
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You could always just show up at her house with a baby in tow and shock the h*ll out of your mom Kathryn. Dh and I did that after dd1 was born. We weren't married at the time and they didn't like me. They LOVE dd1 though.

Goldie, Mom to 5 my kiddos and forever loving on my fantabulous dh John.
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#30 of 33 Old 10-11-2006, 08:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Goldiemom View Post
You could always just show up at her house with a baby in tow and shock the h*ll out of your mom Kathryn. Dh and I did that after dd1 was born. We weren't married at the time and they didn't like me. They LOVE dd1 though.
What do you mean in tow?? Like, you were showing? or dh was carrying her?? I like the idea of just showing up with the baby next christmas. unfortunately i'm coming home for this christmas, and i'm guessing people will be able to tell, ya know? 20 weeks? i don't know. I didn't have the nerve to tell her today. for the first time since over a year we've had just a nice simple conversation, one w/o her mentioning how things 'didn't turn out like she wanted them to' or how i've messed up some how. Thank God. I told my husband that I didn't tell her b/c I didn't want to ruin such a nice conversation. I don't know what I'm going to do about it now. : I've always liked the idea of just 'showing up' but i think she might kill me!! (good thing dh is in the Navy, maybe he can protect me!!... maybe )
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