for those of you who didn't get the birth you wanted... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 06-11-2007, 01:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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what are you doing to help yourself heal?

i do have times of feeling down about the fact that i didn't get my vbac. i do understand that my c-section was necessary for dd, but it still just really sucks. and in my area, after two c-sections, you can't have a vbac anymore - i don't even know of any midwives who would attempt it. plus, i'm so spooked by what happened this time, that i don't think i would be remotely comfortable trying a homebirth. i just want to process the whole thing and move on. me and dh really wanted 3 or 4 kids. after my c-section i told dh i am done. now, i am reconsidering. a third c-section seems scary, but not undo-able. is that crazy? i don't see a 4th in my future, though, and that makes me sad. how do i come to terms with all this?
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#2 of 9 Old 06-11-2007, 01:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by FuzzyOne View Post
what are you doing to help yourself heal?

how do i come to terms with all this?
I'm going thru the same thing.

Mainly, I am disappointed in myself. I had two epidural-free labors/births prior to this one, and for 9 months I researched and planned for a waterbirth. Initially I switched midwives specifically so that I could birth in a hospital where waterbirths were allowed, and then when we moved I did the same in my new area. I was so excited and got annoyed when the mw's would tell me to be 'flexible' and such...I was dead set on having a beautiful waterbirth and, of course, NO EPIDURAL.

But when it got to be too much, and flashbacks of my [now] toddler's birth came flooding in (it was violently painfully horrendous) I panicked and opted for the epidural. At the time I was thankful that I did and I am able to remember this little guy's birth in ways that I can't remember my toddler's; but when I think back and realize that I was already 7cm once I got the epi...and knowing that my body moves very quickly when I get to that point...I get angry with myself that I didn't just hold out and have the natural birth I wanted. Man, I really am pissed at myself.

Thing is, I've always been a 'to each their own' kind of gal. I'm always the one who is like, look, you have a healthy baby, you got through it, don't beat yourself up...but when it's me...ugh...I guess I'm not good at comforting/supporting myself I'm just so mad at me.

Additionally, this little one was most likely our last babe, so knowing that I'll not be pregnant again and not have the chance to birth the way I WANT to again breaks my heart. I get sad about the whole experience now & then, but I'm trying to get past it...not sure how you do that, tho.

BUT. I *am* tremendously thankful that we are healthy and he's simply perfect, no matter how I birthed

*HUG*

E ~ Mostly-SAHM to 3 amazing boys (and another little guy still percolating, due 5/10)! :
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#3 of 9 Old 06-11-2007, 08:45 PM
 
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I'm there with you too, and I really don't know what to say or do about it. I think talking about it and really being honest about how you feel will help you to process the feelings and help you to move past it. BUT you can't dwell on it and let it dominate your life.

That said, what I am trying to work through is guilt.... we planned a home water birth and it started out really well, but ended in the hospital with a c-section after an epidural and pitocin drip to try to get things going after 80+ hours of labour. I feel guilty because I deprived DD of a natural entrance into the world and feel like I disappointed DH (and myself) by having the c-section (DH's other two kids were born by c-section after only a few hours of labour and his ex just giving up, from what I understand, and he was really looking forward to seeing this one come into the world naturally.) I know that we'll have another, that has alwaays been the plan and I don't feel like I am done having kids yet by any stretch. So, I am hopeful for a VBAC next time but I think it will be in the hospital as I don't think I'm "allowed" to birth at home for a VBAC around here despite being 2 min from the hospital.

Mom to Kayleigh (05/07) Jacob (05/09) and Ned decluttering 615/2010
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#4 of 9 Old 06-14-2007, 05:45 PM
 
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My labor was awesome but it all ended in 11 hours of pushing and transferring for another c/s. I'm sad we missed out on our homebirth experience. I really wanted to protect DD from being poked and such and not getting to hold her for an hour was the worst part. I really regret that she wasn't born into my own arms. I wish I knew why she wouldn't come out. Even though every practitioner has said my pelvis is fine I still feel like there's zero chance for a vbac at this point so I don't think I'll bother having any more kids. I don't think I can face another c/s. Just being unsure of my future and if we'll have any more is driving me nuts. And of course I've beat myself up a little bit for transferring. Maybe if I had stuck it out a little longer she eventually would have come out. I need to be positive though and pat myself on the back for trying so hard because I did!

Homeschooling mom of two plus baby R born December 16 love.gif
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#5 of 9 Old 06-14-2007, 06:26 PM
 
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I had the exact same experience as you - vbac turned to cbac. And I said the same thing about that being it because I would never be able to have a vaginal birth, we want 3 or 4, and I just don't want any more c-sections. The good thing is that my recovery is going much smoother this time than last time and maybe I feel better about next time, but I am just not comforable with the thought of having to schedule a c-section! even though at the time I felt everything went as it had to and I was ok with it, I do feel like maybe I could have done something differently to have my vbac. Maybe I should have used midwives instead of my OB, etc. Anyway, just wanted to share my similar experience!

Dara Mommy to Gabbie (4/05) , Zachary (6/07) , and Simon (8/10)
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#6 of 9 Old 06-16-2007, 02:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by FuzzyOne View Post
a third c-section seems scary, but not undo-able. is that crazy? i don't see a 4th in my future, though, and that makes me sad.
I, too am hoping for a vbac (in August) so I understand your let down.

I just wanted to say my best friend has had 5 c-sections. She had no issues at all. Her first 3 were grouped close together, than after 8 years she had 2 that were just 16 months apart.

Good luck with your healing
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#7 of 9 Old 06-19-2007, 07:57 PM
 
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hugs C-section momma!!

You can have multiple c-sections and you can try for a VBAC (if you can find a provider to support you)

Take care.
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#8 of 9 Old 07-28-2007, 12:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by FuzzyOne View Post
what are you doing to help yourself heal?

after my c-section i told dh i am done. now, i am reconsidering. a third c-section seems scary, but not undo-able. is that crazy? i don't see a 4th in my future, though, and that makes me sad. how do i come to terms with all this?
Here's my two cents, if you want more kids, have more kids. It's the babies themselves who are important, not their method of delivery. Really.

I do feel ya, though. I had planned on a VBAC, but things turned dangerous, and I needed another c-section. I try to stay positive; I think about all the problems my friends have had with their nether-regions that I don't have to deal with. Hey, it's something. I'm also thankful that I live in the time I do, or I probably would've died twice over. This last time definitely would've killed me.
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#9 of 9 Old 07-30-2007, 01:56 PM
 
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I had to transfer to the hospital after 2 days of laboring at home. I didn't get my homebirth. I also had some IV meds and pitocin at the hospital, but no epidural. The thing that bugs me the most are the people who were like "I told you so" once my baby was born, because they were never 100% behind the homebirth in the first place. I really wanted to be a crusader for natural, home birth, and I feel like I failed in that respect.
My boss was like "all the women I know who try to do it naturally have horrible, long labors." I didn't appreciate that comment too much at all.
Anyway, I'm not sure how I am "healing." I'm sort of just trying to forget about it. I can't really relate to the VBAC and CBAC stories, since this baby was my first. The hospital was OK, for what it was. I got to refuse the Hep B, eye goop, baby bath, etc, without any problems, and we were able to be discharged early the next day. I just wish that I could have touted my "natural, home birth" to everyone, and instead it just reinforced my family's opinion that birth needs to be at the hospital. :
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