Splitting with DP... *NEW UPDATE*-He changed his mind. - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-20-2007, 05:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Guys, thank you all so much!

You have no idea what you all mean to me!!!! It feels so good to have so many strong woman behind me! I dont have alot in the "role model" sense in regards to alot of these aspects of life... my mom, although a sweet wonderful woman, is by no means suzie home-maker either! and she has no realy advice to offer me in those regards!

I have to say I'm kinda proud of myself too for finally realizing my own faults in all of this! and while I would love to sit and type some more, I'm going to run off and do the dishes while DD is napping!!!

See I'm trying? lol.... Do you all mind if I keep you all updated on how I'm doing with all of this? I know it's not over and old habits die hard! I'm sure I will need alot more advice! lol
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Old 02-20-2007, 05:56 PM
 
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We're behind you all the way, chickie! Talking it out is the best medicine.
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Old 02-20-2007, 06:47 PM
 
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From reading your posts- you seem to be on the right path of figuring things out.

But I thought I would share a few personal experiences that may help you as you go through your journey.

July 2005. I told my husband of 2 years that I was done with the marriage. We had a functional marriage that we have been working hard on for years but I just was not happy. This was of course after we finished doing a trip half way around the world for 6 months to be more "in touch" with each other and relocated to a wonderful apartment in LA from NYC less than a month earlier. For years we worked really hard to make the marriage work, counseling, increased participation in church etc and we were both good people but something to me was not right- I just wasn't happy and have in many occassions looked for a way to leave and my husband was always able to convince me not to- but this time I was serious- and this time he took me seriously.

Anyway- during the transitional time of me trying to figure out where to move and what to do next- we came accross a therapist that we went to together- this time our goals were different. We weren't there trying to find a way to make the marriage work- we were there together trying to figure out what was making each of us not as happy as we could possibly be. As our therapist would say before each session "Our goal is to turn you guys into two happy and complete individuals- even if that means you are better off on your own." About 75% of the time the other person would be present in the room when the other spoke.

Without a marriage to lose - it was no holds barred really. My husband was finally able to hear me when I said that his immense fear of my leaving him was suffocating me and did make me want to leave- constantly. I realized I was too focused on making sure our marriage worked somehow to the point of numbing my feeling to any issues that may have come up. We were so focused on our marriage that the parts of oursleves we loved that made us individuals kindof just got neglected- not because the other person demanded it but because we did it to ourselves. He had adjusted himself so much to what he thought I would want and need that I just started to dislike him and vice versa.

Anyway, I thought of you when I watched the DVD of "The Secret." - the law of attraction. Basically, through thought and feeling you pretty much draw to yourself what you put out. My husband was obsessed with the possibility I might leave him that, that was pretty much all I wanted to do... And I was obsessed with not repeating the mistakes of my parents that my marriage did turn out to be distant and functional at best.

----

I am not sure when and how things turned in the last year and a half- but things are very - very - very different now. I can honestly say at this moment in time that things are very good. I'm not saying we never fight- we still do (especially now that I am uber hormonal and seem to be more hypersensitive than I wish.) BUT we have more of a presence of self now to be able to stick with the issue and be completely honest about what we feel (*most of the time*). Not to mention now that we are happier individuals we cut each other a LOT of slack.

---

On the topic of cleaning - I am useless (since I grew up in a household where I never had to clean). My husband on the other hand is a clean and order freak (since he grew up in a really chaotic home). We used to fight about it all the time. I can't say our habits have changed muched- but kuddos to him for cutting me a lot more slack now adays than ever.

Focus on your path- it seems to be a good one- it's all good.
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Old 02-20-2007, 07:23 PM
 
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I just have to say my best friend just ended her 7 year marriage because she was unwilling to work on her self and you should be very very proud of yourself for knowing that you need to work on yourself it will be better for your kids in the long run my best friend who has a 5 year old son who now is watching his mom dating other people and acting like she is in high school again.

You are a strong woman I know you are and you can do whatever you set you mind to having a good relationship is alot of work on both parts but it is so worth it to work on your self it is a very rewarding process.

You are in my thoughts keep up the good work.

Amanda
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Old 02-20-2007, 08:02 PM
 
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I think you should absolutely give it another try if you feel that there is a chance to work things out. You should never end a marriage until you feel you've tried all you could (unless it is an abusive situation then you should end it ASAP). Is your DP open to councelling? It really can help. Also, if you are REALLY both committed to making things work then make a pact to never mention the words "seperate" or "divorce" again. Some people fall into traps where they threaten to leave at every fight and then sooner or later one person ups the anti by actually leaving. It makes things ugly when you live with constant threats.

You need to follow your instincts on this one. Only you know what is truly best. We're all here to support you no matter what you decide.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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Old 02-23-2007, 08:35 PM
 
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I just wanted to give you a (HUG) and to let you know that I am going through problems with my DH. He has a lot of the same complaints about me that yours has. We are talking things out. We have one dd and dc#2 on the way. My heart aches for you and the pain and confusion you are going through mama.

Just remember, you are worth it! Your worth more than he could ever know. Just look in your dd's eyes. You'll see the truth there. ((HUGS))
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Old 02-24-2007, 01:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Dawn... for you too..this sucks
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Old 02-24-2007, 08:00 PM
 
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i've been following your story and am also happy to hear that you and your DP are looking into counseling. relationships are challenging and take a lot of work, patience, acceptance and compromise.
my DP and i have been doing couples counseling (every other week) for about 4 years and it has made a huge difference for us as a couple but also for each of us individually. being able to take responsibility for our own assumptions, reactions and needs has vastly improved our communication and also allowed us both to get a lot more of what we want.
i agree with mataji4 that the main thing is that you and your DP are making progress in the right direction (even if it's slow).
our therapist told us that 70% of issues in a relationship are unresolvable : . who knows if it's true or not but it definitely made me think. partly it relieves the pressure to work everything out. for instance, we have really different values about certain things and i've had to accept that those things are not going to change. we can change the way we view those differences, or interact around them - but the actual differences are not resolvable. it's a balance either way. i'm starting to ramble so i'll stop. but i wish you the best through all of this and hope that things work out the way you want.

also, i know you're getting a lot of reading recommendations but i'll just add - Getting The Love You Need by Harville Hendriks (he used to be on oprah a lot and developed Imago which is a style of dialogue and therapy that our guy uses sometimes).

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Old 02-28-2007, 11:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So he talked to me last night and he has decided that he does not want to work on things. He doesn't think things can be resolved and aparently they are just too far gone in his eyes to fix everything.

I'm so lost and confused... I feel like I'm on the worst roller coaster of my life. I cried so hard last night it made me violently throw up my dinner...

I'm so lost, and so confused, and so scared and so alone and so... just...

: : : : : : : : : : ... when all I want is
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Old 03-01-2007, 12:09 AM
 
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*
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Old 03-01-2007, 12:37 AM
 
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that is horrible. i am so sorry to hear it.
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Old 03-01-2007, 12:38 AM
 
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Ohhh whitewax, I am soooo very sorry, I hope you can find some peace somewhere and soon!!

Molly, Mama, living in the burbs with a beehive and chicken coop,  herb student, gardener, crunchy and preggers with #3, due Nov 4th.flower.gif
The fruit of the spirit is: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,goodness, gentleness and self control.:
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Old 03-01-2007, 01:59 AM
 
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Take care of yourself mama. I hope things get better for you. I have been down this road before. Dh and I are still married but it took years for us both to do our growing up. I really recommend counseling. It is good to have someone from the outside looking in to see what isn't working in your relationship.
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Old 03-01-2007, 02:28 AM
 
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not in you DDC but just wanted to extend my love and support to you My DP and I have and do go through some rought patched and didn't live together for a while this summer. It's not easy but you too are a STRONG woman and BEAUTIFUL mother. Whatever happens you will make it. Remember what you are going though now may feel : but you certainly will not be in that state of mind for ever!

orngbiggrin.gif mom of three with stork-suprise.gif on the way

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Old 03-01-2007, 10:38 AM
 
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Please, please let us know if you need anything.

I'm sure many of us (myself included) have free long distance and would be happy to give you a phone call if you need extra support that way.

Are you taking care of yourself?

Can someone help you with your DD if you go through some of the really rough feelings?

I'm so terribly sorry this is going so hard for you.

--willo
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Old 03-01-2007, 10:44 AM
 
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I am so sorry. Please, if there is anything we can do, let us know. :
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Old 03-01-2007, 12:06 PM
 
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I'm so sorry mama. Please feel free to vent/cry/yell here whenever you need to. You can PM me anytime, I've been through divorce (from DS's dad) and it isn't easy. You need support. Take good care of yourself and take all the help you can get.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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Old 03-01-2007, 06:11 PM
 
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So sorry to hear this. Let me know if there is anything I can do. Hope that you begin to find some peace soon.

Liv, mama to three girls (September 2005, June 2007 and September 2010)
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Old 03-01-2007, 07:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you ladies....

We are going to go to couples counseling while split.... it may seem odd but it may help or we may realize that we are just better off with out eachother as partners (relationship wise),

Either which way I am planning on moving in with my parents. I know it will be a bit stressful, but I think living here would be harder on me mentally and I really feel like this is the best bet. My parents are still looking around for another, bigger house that would give us all some more room. This will also make it possible for me to go to school and not have to worry about how I'm going to survive.

Still stressed beyond belief and I'm going to have to get rid of my dog My dad wont have her there and although DP offered for her to stay with him, it's really not right for her. She's a Chihuahua and needs far more companionship than he has.... not to mention he doesn't like her all that much. Sweet of him to offer but still not right for her.
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Old 03-01-2007, 08:19 PM
 
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Oh WhiteWax...I'm so sorry! But at least the emotional roller coaster ride from h3ll is maybe almost over? I mean, it's not the situation you deserve or the one you hoped for, but at least now you can plan a little and find a new balance? I wish you were close enough to hug (so big zen cyber hugs here), or that there was some way we/I could help with the stress and the healing...

I'm gonna light a candle for you if that's okay....either way, hang in there! You are a strong, amazing, wonderful, loving, and capable woman and mother. And you and your little ones are going to be okay.

Be pretty! Be practical! Be Pagan! Visit Pagan Hearth & Home!
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Old 03-01-2007, 08:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wombatclay View Post

I'm gonna light a candle for you if that's okay....
Wombat I would really appreciate that.... maybe you could even wait for the full moon on saturday?

Oddley enough I just dont feel like I have the strength on my own right now... I cant seem to find my little well inside to draw it up from... thank you so much!

BB!!!

Jamie
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Old 03-01-2007, 10:51 PM
 
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WhiteWax- I am glad you are making plans you feel are in the right direction- staying with your parents and going back to school sound like postive steps. I am sending you good vibes to find the strength that lives in you. You will survive this!

Laura, Mama to Mya 7/02, Ian 6/07 and Anna 8/09
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Old 03-02-2007, 01:54 AM
 
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I really hope couples counseling will be helpful for both of you. It's good that your parents are there for you. So sad, though! And giving up your dog, too. I'll be thinking of you and hoping you find the strength you need to get through all this. It's there--I'm sure it is. You can do it, mama.
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Old 03-03-2007, 10:20 AM
 
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I'm so sorry, mama. One step at a time, and you'll make it through.
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