So, I kind of "felt out" my mom yesterday... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 10 Old 12-04-2006, 02:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We were in the mall, and I heard a baby scream. I said, doesn't that feel like a knife to your gut? And she said, yes. A few minutes later, I said, wouldn't you love to have a little granddaughter (since she already has 2 grandsons, lol) and she said YOU BETTER NOT BE PREGNANT. I swear, Misti, if you are I'm going to kick your a** between your shoulderblades. I had to lie to her. I just wasn't ready to tell her yet. She actually said, it's unfair of you to bring a child into this world that you can't take care of. You may remember me talking about how her definition of "caring for kids" and mine are polar opposites. She makes me soooo mad!! She goes, you'll never get ahead unless you work, Misti. This coming from a woman who worked 13 hour days the whole time I was growing up. *I* got myself up for school, *I* made MY lunch and HERS, went to school, came home *ALONE*, did my homework, and was alone until 7 or later, 5 days a week. When I moved in with my grandmother, and visited my mom for summer, I was ALONE all day, 5 days a week, ALL SUMMER. She never bothered to line up activities for me, she just left me a list in the morning of all the CHORES she wanted me to do while she was at work. Her idea of caring for kids is making sure they have everything they need MATERIALLY. Obviously, my idea is different, but she is incapable of respecting that.

Take yesterday, for instance. When we got home from the mall, she dropped me off. Our house is wrapped in christmas lights, there's a gas grill next to the front door, and the yard is full of toys, like wagons, bikes, scooters, basketball hoop, etc. She says to me, looks like the Clampetts live here. I said, don't be such a b**ch, mom. Those are my kids' TOYS. At least they have a LIFE. She says OUR house never looke dlike that, I don't know where you got that tendency from. I said, yeah, because I never DID ANYTHING when I was a kid. I sat on my butt in front of the TV, inside, all the time. Never had extracurricular activities, no friends over, no hobbies, nada. She goes, oh yeah, you must need therapy then, huh, since your childhood was so UNHAPPY? I just left the truck and went inside.

I don't know what to do now. Part of me wants to just leave, and not even tell her. But the other part of me, just wants her to love me for who I am. I know I make her sound awful, but she's not always this bad. We have a lot of fun together, we are actually really close, she adores my boys....I want her to be a part of my life.

Sorry to be such a downer....I'm just sad and confused.

Misti, mom to DS (12), DS (9), DD (3), and Mr. Man (October '10)!

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#2 of 10 Old 12-04-2006, 02:52 PM
 
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Ouch, that's a tough one. I'm sorry you had to go to listen to all of that. This may not be the best advice, but if I were in that position I probably just wouldn't bring it up again and wait until the belly gets obvious and she asks. If she's upset that you didn't tell her you could always say "Sorry mom, I just didn't want you to 'kick my a** between my shoulderblades' in my delicate condition." I'm sure in her mind she is just looking out for what she believes is the best interest of her daughter and her grandchildren but maybe by the time it becomes obvious that you are pregnant, she might realize that it's too late to do it her way and concede to let you do it your way and be just happy that she will be blessed with another grandchild. :
Hang in there!!
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#3 of 10 Old 12-04-2006, 04:59 PM
 
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Wow, that was really rude of her to say. If I were you, I wouldn't even tell her. She doesn't deserve it. She can figure it out on her own, and then if she gives you a hard time it may be in your best interest to stay away from your mom for the duration of your pregnancy. You don't need the stress. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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#4 of 10 Old 12-04-2006, 06:27 PM
 
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having unsupportive family is hard..ive been there and im scared to tell my family this time around. they all think im crazy to have 2 kids and i dealt with a lot of hurtful comments and situations because i chose to have children young, in an unstable relationship (which is very stable now) and without a stable income..

but in the end the kids are loved by those who thought it was a bad idea..and maybe im not totally forgiven, but i dont care! i wouldnt change my life for a secod.. not for anything.
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#5 of 10 Old 12-04-2006, 07:20 PM
 
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That's too bad, I can sympathize, though, I'm kind of dreading telling my mom. I hope you don't mind me asking, but does your mother always talk to you so disrespectfully? I know that's just some people's ways, but it sounds like that might make things rough. My mom can go off the deep end, mostly just when she gets worked up about something, and my sister as well. Since the kids know already, DP and I are planning on telling my mom and sister tomorrow. This wasn't planned, and DP and I haven't been together soooo long, but it's an amazing relationship and at least my family knows that. Also, my DP is a little sad that they might have a bad reaction...because he likes them!! So we'll just have to wait and see...

Actually, I worry most about my grandmother, who's already dealing with a lot of family stress....
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#6 of 10 Old 12-04-2006, 08:19 PM
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Wow how rude
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#7 of 10 Old 12-04-2006, 10:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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she sure doesn't hold anything back. And she is manipulative, too. DF's family are sooo excited, and we've been talking about moving to Minnesota to be closer to them. I told her about our (tentative) plans yesterday, and she actually started to cry! Said she had always wanted to "put down roots" and have her family near, she wants to retire soon (she works in Ca during the week and comes here on weekends) and watch the boys grow up. She also said that if I left, she would sell everything and go back to Ca, since there's nothing here for her anymore. She actually had me secondguessing moving to Minnesota! edited to add...oh yes, and she also threatened to never visit us!

Told me I would hate the cold there, that DF's family were trying to "buy" us by their offer of letting us live in their home (they are building a new one, and told us we could stay in their current home to save money) and by helping DF find a job, which is completely untrue. DF's family are the sweetest, kindest, most giving people I have ever met. When we went to visit them, they bought plane tix for ALL of us, including my kids, so we could go. My mom doesn't do anything without getting paid back. We have so many issues, it's not funny. I don't know what to do with her, but I can say, the older I get, the more fed up I am getting.

And don't even get me started on her constant derogatory comments about my dad, who I know isn't perfect, but I love dearly. Ever since I was 6, she has not had anything but awful things to say about him, and hence about any man in her life, or mine. They can do nothing right, you know?

Misti, mom to DS (12), DS (9), DD (3), and Mr. Man (October '10)!

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#8 of 10 Old 12-05-2006, 04:25 AM
 
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I could have written that. For now, I'm just not telling her so I can enjoy knowing that I'm pregnant without the negativity from her. Don't know what you should do.

Missionary, birth-worker, midwifery student
Mama to love.gif DD (9yr), DS luxlove.gif (3yr), & 2twins.gif UC twin DDs (5yr)

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#9 of 10 Old 12-05-2006, 02:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mesa View Post
I don't know what to do now. Part of me wants to just leave, and not even tell her. But the other part of me, just wants her to love me for who I am. I know I make her sound awful, but she's not always this bad. We have a lot of fun together, we are actually really close, she adores my boys....I want her to be a part of my life.
Unfortunately, we can never change our family members to be more loving and accepting of us when they haven't been in the past. What a disappointment for you, I understand how you want your mama to be supportive of you.

Since we cannot change them, we have to adjust how our thoughts are. I understand you want your mama to stop being so rude, but it sounds from your post that she has always been this way and this is how you have always known her. That said, if you are expecting her to be different you will continually be disappointed. If you are looking for acceptance from her, you will be disappointed. If you have any expectations, expect her to be how she is now. If she changes any of her behavior towards you, then it will be a lovely surprise!

Your mama does love you, but in her way. You want her to love you the way you are, but that means you want her to love you your way (not that I am blaming you in the least bit!).

Sometimes you really need $50, but the person you are turning to for help can only give you $20. This is the same for love (not that I am putting a monetary value on love! Just an analogy once told to me when I was a struggling teen). Sometimes parents can only give you the love they have, and it may not be what you want or how much you want. It is all they have at the time.

I came to this understanding with my father, and it has not changed how he treats me, but changed my feelings and reactions towards him. I stopped looking for his approval because nothing I will do in my life will gain that. I stopped looking for him to love me more, support me, visit me, talk to me, blah blah blah, and what this did for me was give me my own power back. If I am continually upset due to his actions (or lack of actions) towards me, then I am giving power to him. He has always been who he is and he has NEVER changed the way he's treated me. I expect that of him, and so now he cannot hurt me any more because I expect him to act the way he does and therefore he no longer has that power over me. This is a very hard concept, but if it able to be grasped it can be really freeing.

I have my door open if he wants to be a part of my life (READ: Apart of my life, but not intruding in my life and trying to make me what he wants...BOUNDARIES!!!). He hasn't taken up on this, but I feel good about it and know I am doing what I can while maintaining my life the way I want to.

Best wishes to you!
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#10 of 10 Old 12-05-2006, 02:42 PM
 
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I agree 100 percent with the pp.
You take what she has to offer, expect nothing, and set your own boundaries.
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