the "thinking about sex" thread - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 09-09-2007, 11:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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before i was ready to contemplate it, there was a thread about post-partum sex. Now, at 3 weeks post-partum, I am ready to contemplate it. I would love to read the thread. Or start this one as a new forum for the same. I'll start. My MW said that we can go ahead after the 3 week mark (if I feel up to it), and that the 6-week rule I had heard derived from Jewish law regulating access to the mikvah (not an issue for us). I would definitely like to have intercourse before the 6-week appt. so that if I have pain or whatever I can report it to my MW for discussion/diagnosis/treatment. There are a couple of hindrances to this. First, I'm scared. I don't know why exactly. I had no tearing. Second, we are not getting enough sleep (particularly me, the lactating parent), and I can't imagine giving up zzz. Third, we cosleep...
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#2 of 16 Old 09-09-2007, 11:57 PM
 
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Cosleeping is a great form of birth control!
It means you have to become more creative about where you dtd and when. The whole house is fair game. We usually sneak out of bed and utilize the sleeper sofa or the spare bedroom. DD1 does not nap any more, so those spontaneous daytime liasons are a thing of the past for us.
After DD1 was born, sex was painful for me for about 4 months, and I didn't have any tearing either. So I'm scared too this time around. I guess everyone heals differently; some women are ok after 2 weeks.
I say just communicate with DH and take it slow; if it hurts, stop and do something else.
As for me, I won't be ready for some time now.
Let's talk about BJs. Are our men entitled to them while we are otherwise incapacitated? I have a hard time being that generous. Is it just me? Is that completely selfish of me? Be honest.
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#3 of 16 Old 09-10-2007, 05:43 AM
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Yeah, I've been thinking about it lately and am sometimes feeling in the mood, but I did tear and am too afraid right now to try, and I'm still sore anyways. At least when I've been close to dh in these past few weeks I do feel like I'm in the mood (usually) which is a reief for me, I worried that post partum I'd turn into a person with no sex drive at all.

And yeah, I know I was getting irate because dh still had a normal sex drive/better sleep/ability to have sex, but I know h's been patient and very cool during the last 4 weeks, so I'm feeling ok w/helping him out.
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#4 of 16 Old 09-10-2007, 07:08 AM
 
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Some advice...make sure you have some lube on hand...I swear it makes the difference between a good and bad experience(and the fear of trying again later). When I lactate I don't make enough on my own, so need some help in that dept...

Also just take it really slow, if it hurts wait a bit longer and try again.

Co-Sleeping is not a problem...when they are tiny like this we've always just dtd with them in the bed(king sized bed), as they get a little older(or if they are light sleepers), then we move to a different area of the house. LOL

As far as loosing sleep...I think a quickie now and then is a nice relief, and then you can cuddle and sleep. LOL

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#5 of 16 Old 09-11-2007, 02:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by walden's momma View Post
Let's talk about BJs. Are our men entitled to them while we are otherwise incapacitated? I have a hard time being that generous. Is it just me? Is that completely selfish of me? Be honest.
I feel the same way. I gave DH one and I felt that was all the generosity I could give. I think this is the reason I wanted to be ready to dtd because that way I wouldn't feel like I "had" to do something.
We went ahead and did it at 3 1/2 weeks. It was a bit sore but not terrible. Same the second time... but there's something about getting started that is painful. It went away after a few minutes but it wasn't enjoyable like pre-pregnancy either.
I never went through this with ds1 since my xh and I separated. I waited about 3 years!
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#6 of 16 Old 09-11-2007, 02:34 PM
 
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Let's talk about BJs. Are our men entitled to them while we are otherwise incapacitated? I have a hard time being that generous. Is it just me? Is that completely selfish of me? Be honest.
I forgot to address this.

I think it is completely selfish of men to expect any type of sexual help from us while in the babymoon phase...I won't give a bj just becase i feel like i should do something for him, i have to really want to do it. I think they will live for a few weeks while our bodies recover, and if not they have at least one working hand, right?

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#7 of 16 Old 09-11-2007, 03:41 PM
 
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I've been thinking about it too, but we've haven't got there yet. For starters, I did tear and I think I've still got stitches down there. For seconds, we've got a lot of other stress going on right now, DF is back to work at the job he hates, and we're moving in less than two weeks!

I think we'll probably break in the new house!

I think the line about a working hand is funny, and is pretty much what DF said!

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#8 of 16 Old 09-11-2007, 07:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamamoo View Post
I forgot to address this.

I think it is completely selfish of men to expect any type of sexual help from us while in the babymoon phase...I won't give a bj just becase i feel like i should do something for him, i have to really want to do it. I think they will live for a few weeks while our bodies recover, and if not they have at least one working hand, right?
That's how I feel, it actually makes me mad that he comes on to me. As soon as both kids are asleep, there he is, swooping up behind me kissing me on the neck and groping me. He KNOWS I'm still dealing with lochia and that I'm tired and have no sex drive. So yes, it is totally selfish of him to pursue any sort of gratification from me. I think I'll go rent him a video, because seriously, I'm sick of smiling and saying, "honey, I'm not really in the mood." He knows I'm not in the mood. Ugh.
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#9 of 16 Old 09-12-2007, 09:13 AM
 
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Originally Posted by walden's momma View Post
Let's talk about BJs. Are our men entitled to them while we are otherwise incapacitated? I have a hard time being that generous. Is it just me? Is that completely selfish of me? Be honest.
I don't think any of us enjoy giving them, we just do it to keep them quiet. I don't think they are entitled, but I'd rather him get that from me then find him surfing for porn on the internet and masturbating in the middle of the night. (yes, I have had that happen)

I started having sex at 3wks pp this time and had no problems with it. There was a little pain at first when he entered me, but it went away quickly. We've been having sex about every other day since then and everything feels back to normal.
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#10 of 16 Old 09-12-2007, 10:09 AM
 
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I don't think any of us enjoy giving them, we just do it to keep them quiet. I don't think they are entitled, but I'd rather him get that from me then find him surfing for porn on the internet and masturbating in the middle of the night. (yes, I have had that happen)
Why does it bother you that he is masturbating? DF actually just asked me last night if he could "have a minute alone in the bedroom". Sounds great to me until these stupid stitches heal!

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#11 of 16 Old 09-12-2007, 12:48 PM
 
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Why does it bother you that he is masturbating? DF actually just asked me last night if he could "have a minute alone in the bedroom". Sounds great to me until these stupid stitches heal!
Hear hear!! I'm afraid any action hubby is getting around here is cyber or self oriented. I'm still worried about pain down there, but I *definitely* have nipple pain still which is primarily what keeps me from trying it. I don't want to have to have sex wearing my "body armor" (the breast shells I wear to keep fabric from touching the sore nips). Until I'm not in pain, sex just doesn't seem appealing enough.

On the BJ subject, I've been thinking about trying to work myself up to give one, but there just never seems to be the right time/amount of energy. He would never pressure me for it, and I definitely think they don't DESERVE it just cause they're not getting sex...but it would be a nice treat if I could get motivated.

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#12 of 16 Old 09-12-2007, 02:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i actually broached the subject with dh yesterday. he thought we were supposed to wait till 6 weeks. i have fear, but i still think the need for sleep is the major impediment. someday, i hope.
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#13 of 16 Old 09-13-2007, 11:46 AM
 
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I told dh to go ahead and rent a dirty movie. He got one and was disappointed with it. Maybe he'll get a different one. It's cool with me as long as he is leaving me alone right now. I like hugs and kisses right now, but that's it.
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#14 of 16 Old 09-14-2007, 09:29 AM
 
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Why does it bother you that he is masturbating? DF actually just asked me last night if he could "have a minute alone in the bedroom". Sounds great to me until these stupid stitches heal!
I don't know, it just does. I guess I just kinda feel like he should come to me for those needs.
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#15 of 16 Old 09-17-2007, 10:58 AM
 
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I bit the bullet and we did it at about 4 weeks. No pain at all, but it wasnt' great for me. I think I was nervous and also worried about baby waking, so that kept me from getting as into it as would have been nice. But it was good to just do it and get that first post-baby sex out of the way, so to speak (so romantic!). And yeah, my boobs are still killing me, so those were off limits.
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#16 of 16 Old 09-19-2007, 02:28 PM
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nak

my husband is definitely on his computer after i go to bed!!!

i don't mind. i know he would rather have sex with me, but until i'm up to it, i'd rather he get out his 'frustrations' in the other room than in another woman's house, kwim?

i've been thinking a lot about it. 2nd degree tear so i'm scared.

but i think we are going to see "across the universe" this weekend, and the beatles always get me in the mood!!!!!

all you need is love!!!!!
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