My 10 yo isn't happy with me today.. please read. - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 45 Old 03-02-2009, 02:45 PM
 
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Congratulations!!!

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#32 of 45 Old 03-02-2009, 02:56 PM
 
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The fact that you've seen her behavior turn around completely since taking away her electronics would tell me that you're totally on the right track.

My dd is almost 9 and, for us, electronics won't be an option for awhile, and I don't feel one bit guilty about it! At this age, in my opinion, children still need to be children, not teenagers, and what's out there for them in the world of chat rooms, gaming, etc. takes them way, way beyond what most of them are able to handle at this age.

The fact that she's already in puberty, I'm guessing, makes life confusing for her -- she has the body of a woman, but the mind and heart of a child. Protecting her at this point and at this age is a great gift, and lets her still be a child a little while longer until she's old enough to handle what goes along with being out in the big wide world.
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#33 of 45 Old 03-02-2009, 03:03 PM
 
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Congrats on finding out your pregnant!

I just read the whole thread - its a snowday and I don't have school

It sounds like taking away the computer and phone were a good thing - give them back IF and when you think she's ready. They can always be taken away again if she abuses them again. And if texting becomes the main problem you can turn it off on your phone - its off on my phone b/c I hate it and don't pay for it.

I also didn't get a phone until I was 15 and had crew practice from 5-7am on weekdays and took the city bus to school afterwards - my parents wanted me to be able to call if I needed to.
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#34 of 45 Old 03-02-2009, 03:10 PM
 
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Congrats!

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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#35 of 45 Old 03-03-2009, 02:24 PM
 
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I couldn't read your post and not reply with some love : : all that stuff... I think you're instinct to make her "world a bit smaller" for now is great. You're doing a great job, momma, keep hanging in there!
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#36 of 45 Old 03-03-2009, 02:35 PM
 
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All of that from a 10 year old? My daughter isn't much younger than that, and now I'm terrified of what's to come lol. I would not give the computer or cellphone back. At that age my daughters will definitely still be using the family computer.

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I was also playing with dolls at age 10, but with some rather "adult" themes to my doll play. No, I wasn't flirting with 17yos but I was running a Barbie abortion clinic
Yeah, my barbies were making babies also.

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#37 of 45 Old 03-03-2009, 04:02 PM
 
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Congratulations on the pregnancy! You handled things wonderfully. But you know that.

Just one more thought. Don't be afraid of your daughter's emotions like anger, and then cave. Don't made poor decisions because you're afraid that your daughter is going to be angry. That's a mistake I make with my 14 y.o. dd, though I'm getting better at dealing with it calmly. This issue will probably come up again, making a decision that disappoints her. It's OK for her to be angry with you.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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#38 of 45 Old 03-03-2009, 04:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Amylcd View Post
At that age my daughters will definitely still be using the family computer.
She was, until her ex grandmother bought her a laptop. Not my idea.

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#39 of 45 Old 03-05-2009, 11:44 AM
 
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But, considering all the trouble she got herself into, you may just want to keep her computer-free for the next 6 months. That would be OK too.
I completely agree. She needed more limits and now she's got them. And when you do return computer privileges it needs to be piecemeal and appropriate considering her age.

No more laptop at all - she needs to be only using the desktop. Also, I think that you need to create an account for her. By creating an account for her that isn't an administrator account you can manage the privileges on that account (whether or not they can erase browsing history, whether or not they can make downloads, what sites they can visit, etc.). You make another administrator account for you and your husband which is password protected and that she can't get to.
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#40 of 45 Old 03-05-2009, 12:39 PM
 
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Is there a way to get parental controls on her phone? Ask your cell provider. Perhaps you can block texting or limit it to a certain number per month. Or get her one of those kids cell phones that can only use pre-programmed numbers.

I would not let her play WOW. Most adults have trouble managing their time on that game, plus you can chat to anyone. Try Toontown Online. It's cheaper than WOW and has parental controls. You can only chat using certain phrases unless your parent approves you to be friends with someone. My 10yo likes it and so do I.

I would be really concerned about that boy. It's possible he knew she was 10 and was encouraging her. It's also possible he's much older than 17.
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#41 of 45 Old 03-05-2009, 02:53 PM
 
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When we bought my son his phone for his 13th birthday, the salesman with AT&T said that for an additional $5.00 a month, we can have blocks on his phone that would restrict who he can call and text as well as receive calls and texts from at certain times of the day. I WISH my students (I teach 10th grade) had this on their phones! These kids can text without looking. Anyway, when she does get it back, maybe look in to this?

My dd just turned 11 and has been begging for a phone. Our house rule is 13. She may drive me batty before then.
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#42 of 45 Old 03-10-2009, 12:14 AM
 
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Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe View Post
It makes me really sad to hear these kind of stories. So much has changed. I was quite literally playing with dolls at 10 years old (as were my friends). Boys had cooties, Video games meant Pac Man.
Mama, my heart goes out to you fully! My dd turns 10 next month. This is really eye-opening. She still plays with dolls and stuff but wow, change is just around the corner. We are pretty much media-free..no tv, cell phones or computer time for the kids. Yesterday I found her sitting with my laptop googling puppies. I guess she caught on from watching me and the other day, I caught her texting my sister...again caught on from watching me. Scary stuff right there because she could have came across anything on the web. Anyway, IMO I think you should take away the phone and computer. She's only 10, nearly 11. IMO, She doesn't need either for quite some time and clearly she isn't making good choices or following the rules.

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#43 of 45 Old 03-10-2009, 12:21 AM
 
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You know I hated my mom a lot when I was a teen and preteen because she wouldn't let me do what I felt I had the god given right to do....and you know what, I love her more than life right now for protecting me the way she did, because I would be a far different person right now if she hadn't. Good job mom!!

Blessed with two BEAUTIFUL little girls: Kylie (09/06) and Maggie (4/09) :
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#44 of 45 Old 03-10-2009, 12:26 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
She seems to be doing well without the computer or cell phone, so I don't see any reason to rush to return either one. It does appear that she was given too much freedom and NEEDED the limits you're now imposing on her.
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ditto. why can't you get her cd-rom games to play on a computer and turn off the internet access? Why must she play games online?

Is there a reason she might be looking for attention (both from the boy and also from you and your ex)other than hormones? I'd have a heart to heart with her.

Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
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#45 of 45 Old 03-10-2009, 12:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mar123 View Post
When we bought my son his phone for his 13th birthday, the salesman with AT&T said that for an additional $5.00 a month, we can have blocks on his phone that would restrict who he can call and text as well as receive calls and texts from at certain times of the day. I WISH my students (I teach 10th grade) had this on their phones! These kids can text without looking. Anyway, when she does get it back, maybe look in to this?

My dd just turned 11 and has been begging for a phone. Our house rule is 13. She may drive me batty before then.
AT&T has a lame parental control plan. It only limits out going calls, not inbound. And you can only "block" 15 I believe calls. There is no limit to texting. No limit at all to times of day for inbound. No limit at all for how much they're allowed to talk (minute limit) etc. Basically, its not worth the 5$. I did look into it before I got the phone.

At any rate, she won't be getting the phone back at all. I'm keeping the line on, but its going to turn into the family phone should we need it. That way I have a way to feel safer if/when she is ever somewhere that adults might not be readily available.. she can call me. And since she won't be doing that for quite some time, its a moot point. The phone no longer belongs to her. Its mine. It belongs to me.

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Originally Posted by Kindermama View Post
Mama, my heart goes out to you fully! My dd turns 10 next month. This is really eye-opening. She still plays with dolls and stuff but wow, change is just around the corner. We are pretty much media-free..no tv, cell phones or computer time for the kids. Yesterday I found her sitting with my laptop googling puppies. I guess she caught on from watching me and the other day, I caught her texting my sister...again caught on from watching me. Scary stuff right there because she could have came across anything on the web. Anyway, IMO I think you should take away the phone and computer. She's only 10, nearly 11. IMO, She doesn't need either for quite some time and clearly she isn't making good choices or following the rules.
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Originally Posted by Kindermama View Post
ditto. why can't you get her cd-rom games to play on a computer and turn off the internet access? Why must she play games online?

Is there a reason she might be looking for attention (both from the boy and also from you and your ex)other than hormones? I'd have a heart to heart with her.
Its only one internet game she plays. And its because we play as a family. Thats how it started anyway. Gradually she became too "busy" to play with her step father or I. We always had the rule that there was to be no chatting or grouping with people she didn't know. Period. And just like the behavior with the phone.. she just.. decided to ignore the rules. Like one day she woke up and thought she was 18 and the rules no longer applied to her. I honestly don't even know when it happened. It just did. And I was a little slow to catch on to her playing with other people, because I was playing with her at first. She and I were playing and another person wanted to join the group and did so. We were together, it was fine. And i think that opened the gateway up for her, she started grouping when I wasn't with her. I started thinking.. maybe she can handle it? And then WHAM flirting with the 17 year old and exchanging info happened. LOL Nope. I was wrong there. Obviously.

So no, she doesn't just randomly go online and do things. I always have known exactly what she's doing. Its when she moved things to her phone that I had no control over the texts and what went on... thats when she was lying.. and sneaking.. etc.

Anyhow: UPDATE... Still no cell phone, and there won't BE a cellphone. I've decided she will not have it until she is driving and can help pay for it.

Still no computer usage at all. No idea when I'll let her either, though I'm seriously thinking about extending it quite awhile. Its sinking in I think.

Overnights at A's house are on the NO list now. Permanantly.


Her motivations are not always clear. And heart to heart talks are hard. We have them, but its so rare that she takes things seriously that its hard to communicate with her. This is a recent thing so I can only attribute it to hormones and how she's thinking. She craves attention from her bio father but he rarely gives it to her, and thats why she's seeking it from the boys. She even begs her father to spend time with her and he doesn't. His idea of spending time is dragging her along when he goes out with his girlfriend. Its a neverending battle with him.

Trust me when I say, she is 100 times better off with me though. She recently moved back in with me about a year 1/2 ago because his life was unstable. (and a lot of other UAV reasons. LOL)

We try to make up for that lack of attention, but really.. she wants it from him. She CRAVES it. You can tell by the way she wrestles and laughs with her step father that she just really wants that daddy time. I never had that feeling growing up because my father abused me, but I hear that its common for girls to want their fathers attention and time.

treehugger.gifAutistic pagan mama with five kiddos on the spectrum, learning through living life. autismribbon.gif  computergeek2.gif

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