My 10 yo isn't happy with me today.. please read. - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-26-2009, 04:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I could use a hug or two.

My daughter will be 11 this June. She's had her period since last summer and been increasingly moody, mean, grumpy, etc. Her hormones are obviously racing. She used to be such a sweet girl, but lately I've been crying quite a bit before bed..which isn't a good sign. LOL

The biggest issue that I'm currently in right now are that I took away her cell phone. Pity. She only had it a month. The reason her father and I agreed for her to have one are because she is in a lot of extra curricular activities, and she also goes back and forth between his house and mine. (we're divorced) I thought I went about everything the right way. I sat down with her and we added her friends and family that she could talk to. We talked about times that were approprite and who she couldn't call and talk to at all unless it was after 7pm. (early nights/weekends) We have an unlimited texting plan and I told her she could text her friends instead.

Well she hasn't made any calls at all except to me. But she has been texting 24/7. And I do mean 24/7. Dinner isn't even safe from the phone. When I finally had to physically remove the phone from her hand, she was angry with me and it ruined the meal anyway. I was contemplating whether her having a cell was a good idea..

Her (ex) grandmother (her father married and divorced again after me) bought her a laptop for Christmas. I have parental controls on, but they have been lenient because I had no issues in the past. She has a myspace with my permission, because I have the password and I read everything regularly. Same with the email. In fact, the emails are actually forwarded to me so I see everything. She's had these things for over a year now and we've had no issues.

Lately she's been erasing things so I can't read them. Obsessively. Being very sneaky, secretive. Texting in the bathroom with the door locked. Covering her computer when I walk over.. These are not good signs. I don't believe a 10 year old needs privacy on the internet.

She has been playing World of Warcraft with her step father and I since Christmas. Well, she was playing before that for a few years but for Christmas she got her "own" account. (I still have all controls) I turn the chatlog on in the game and make sure things going on are appropriate.

I noticed an increased interest in the game the past few days. As in, barely in the door before trying to play. Becomming really angry at me that I ask her to do homework first. Texting nonstop. Literally one hand on the mouse and the other on her phone. I asked her for the phone and she tried to take it to the bathroom first to delete messages. Then she tried to delete them in front of me. Finally I had to physically grab it to read it. ..... I found people in her phone I don't know. She had added people she met online, in the game and just in general. Violating many rules in the process. Reading her texts I found that she was texting and recieving texts from a boy I'll call David. I found that day she also added him and wrote to him on myspace. They were exchanging "I love you's"... calling each other babe and hun... and he's 17 years old.

At first I was so shocked that I just tried to talk to her about it. Yanno... let her know its not cool and can't happen blah blah... but she acted as if I didn't exist. She kept flipping her cell phone lid closed over and over and saying uhhuh. mmhmm. Again, she deleted all messages before she went to bed. A look at Cingulars account tells me that after our talk, she continued to text him. And she wrote him again on myspace, calling me overprotective and stupid.

I didn't sleep at all that night. I emailed the boy and asked him to please stop texting my daughter. She is only 10 years old and its not acceptable. He aggreed and complied. He wrote to her myspace a final time and told her that he was no longer going to text her or write because "your mom is right. Its not write we text each other. You're only 10 and she's trying to keep you safe. I'm going to respect her wishes." He told me she seemed really mature for her age, and because they'd been questing together in the game for a few months now, he totally didn't think anything of it when she said she wanted to text him. He see's now that it was no appropriate and he's sorry. I don't know what to think about the I love you's or what would prompt him to say that to a 10 year old. (she claims they were joking around... but my gutt says that SHE was not. I smell hormones flying.)

She said that age doesn't matter when you "love" someone. I explained that age most certainly DOES matter when you're TEN YEARS OLD. *sigh*

I have no idea what prompted her to pass out her phone number to a bunch of strangers on the internet. Or to add people without permission. Or to tell a 17 year old she loves him!

I decided her world needed to be brought back down and made smaller.

I have taken the SIM card out of her phone. When she tried to turn it on and saw no service she looked like someone ran over her cat. I told her it would still work for 911. She tossed it on my desk and walked out to catch the bus. She knocked into her step father on the way out the door and rudely shoved by him. He said she gave him the death glare the entire time he was at the bus stop. (we have a younger dd in K that rides the same bus)

I decided that I would add websites to her laptop that were okay for a girl her age to go on. No social networking sites. Yes. All her friends are on myspace. But all her "friends" are also older than her! How do I deal with that??? She literally does not like hanging with girls her own age. So really its only school that she plays with kids her own age. The rest of the time, at dance, the neighborhood, etc.. she hangs with older girls. And she likes older boys. And she gets mad at me when she can't do the things they all do.

Ugh its so hard. The choices about who's house do I let her go to was easier last year. I trusted her last year. I can't say that I trust her judgement anymore.

Neopets
webkinz
club penguin
nickjr.

Anyone have any other websites that would be appropriate for her to use? I'm white listing those and allowing only those for a small block of time each day. I'm cutting her hours WAY down. Her getting her own laptop was such a mistake. Because before she wouldn't get much time as we all had to share. Now she can be there all day.

For now she isn't even getting on the internet at all. I'm blocking everything for a while. I don't think I have reason to trust she can follow the rules to keep herself safe.

I've emailed her father and asked that he stick to the restrictions as well when she's there. He has agreed. And he's not too thrilled about what happened.

Someone please tell me I'm headed in the right direction by limiting these things? I don't believe she's getting the cell phone back at all. That was such a severe violation, I just don't think she's mature enough to handle it yet.

Advice? Please be gentle. I'm having a pretty rotten few days feeling like I somehow failed. Things were going so well until she got the cellphone... : I'm really not an idiot. A few months ago my daughter was a very mature trustworthy young lady. (or I never would let her on the internet or thought about getting her a phone in the first place!) I honestly have no idea what happened. It seemed that overnight she became manipulative, sneaky and rude.

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Old 02-26-2009, 05:24 PM
 
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You haven't failed.

Love makes us do things sometimes and the fact that an older boy was paying attention to her and treating her 'grown up' would easily lead a young girl to lie, etc.

I know when I was younger, being in love, dating, etc. was everything (thank goodness, I didn't live in a technological age and lived on a farm miles and miles away from anyone), because I could see how I would do things like your daughter.

I have no idea what's best to do from here, but I'm wishing you well.
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Old 02-26-2009, 05:41 PM
 
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((((hugs))))
I think you're doing the right thing by taking away the phone. I'm also a firm believer in kids only having computer access in public space, so for me the laptop would not have wireless and only be able to be used in the family room, or would be traded in for a desktop. When she's older a laptop might be useful for going to the library or whatever, but not now.

You might want to think about how she would need to prove that she's responsible enough to have her cell phone back, and come up with it in writing. If she fails then the phone is taken away again. Let her learn to be responsible. Check up on the phone usage frequently, and grab that SIM card back if needed.

In a way, it might be good that this is happening now. She's still really young, and not running around with her friends too much yet. You can use this situation to build a good foundation of trust and expectations. Let her know now that there are some safety rules that she can't simply ignore, and that there will be consequences. As she gets more responsible, add to her privledges.
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Old 02-26-2009, 05:55 PM
 
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It sounds to me like you did the right thing. Some 10yos could have handled the laptop and cell phone responsibly- apparently she could not. By taking them away now, you're letting her know that you're serious about certain safety precautions. Yes, she's very angry at you right now, but in the long run she'll appreciate your protecting her. She'd be a whole lot angrier with you if you didn't stop her now and she ended up getting hurt.

She tested some limits and found out that you'll keep her safe. I strongly suspect that the 17yo she was texting had no clue how young she was, either because she'd outright lied about her age or because she was intentionally vague and let him assume she was much older. If you do ever return the phone to her, I would disable the texting feature.

I wouldn't worry too much about the fact that her friends are mostly older than her. Hormonally, she's probably in the same place as my 14yo and ahead of my 12yo, so she honestly may have very little in common with the prepubescent kids in her class.

We have the internet in the middle of the living room- 2 computers next to one another so I can supervise what a child is doing on one computer while I use the other. I really don't want my kids getting laptops because then it's harder to supervise.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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Old 02-26-2009, 06:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Am I crazy for thinking that maybe the phone just isn't a good idea period?
Do I really have to ground her from it and then let her earn it back? Or can I let her earn back computer privileges (where I can monitor that much easier) and let her know that the phone won't be back for awhile? (btw the laptop wasn't wireless..it was hooked up in the same room as ours. She would sit at the dining room table with it.... but the secrecy.. oh the secrecy!! I couldn't walk by without her clicking away, closing pages, or hearing her yell, "Yessss??? WHAT??"

If we talked and she understood she broke the rules and understood how serious it was, it would be one thing... but she literally acted like she didn't care. And after we talked she did the same thing again. Which leads me to believe she didn't take anything I said seriously.

She only texts. She doesn't call her friends. In fact, in the month she's had the phone she's only made one call to a friend. The other calls were to me or her father, and about mmmm.... 8 or 9 thousand text messages to people. (along the lines of showing immaturity, I added a friend of mine in her phone for emergencies only. And she called me to let me know that she had been texting her nonstop for days, even after she asked her to please stop because she was at work. I spoke with her and asked her to stop, she still didn't. I had to remove the number.)

I really just feel like if I gave her back the SIM in a few weeks, she would go right back to the same behaviors. And honestly, I'm so tired of feeling like I can't blink without my daughter flirting with some guy twice her age.

Thanks for the support mamas

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Old 02-26-2009, 06:53 PM
 
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s for you!

I'm only 20, and I was doing similar, stupid stuff when I was 11. My dad had an 800 number linked to the house, so one night I was bored and lonely and invited folks from one message board to give me a call. Needless to say, my parents were not impressed, and I got upset with them when they cracked down on everything.

But it was probably a good thing that they did. Your daughter isn't going to understand or forgive you right away, but I think you're doing the right thing.

As for the phone... I know "young" kids are getting phones, but I really don't understand why. If she needed to call you, her dad, or 911, that would be one thing. Is the text messaging necessary?

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Old 02-26-2009, 10:14 PM
 
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No help with the other things, but to solve the texting problem you can call your phone company and have them block texting. I do this for my phone because I don't feel like paying money when my silly friends text me since I don't have a texting plan. This way she still has the phone for emergencies or whatever, but she won't be able to receive or send any texts.
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Old 02-27-2009, 12:22 AM
 
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I think it's good that you and her father have decided to set limits on her phone and computer use.

re: the older boy thing - have you told her why you think it's dangerous?

I had some frank talks w/ my daughter when she was almost 11 (looked older) about not dressing to look "older" because it would be very easy for men and older boys to mistake her for an older girl and start paying her attention that she was not ready to handle.
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Old 02-27-2009, 12:38 AM
 
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Oh wow mama.. I'm sorry you've had to go through these things. I'm aghast at her behaviour. My oldest, and most stubborn, is going to be 10 in May. We've told her that she's not getting a cell phone until she can buy one herself. But since she is in alot of activities we're going to give her a phone that only dials out three numbers. They don't have a keypad, they just have three buttons that you preprogram. I can't remember what those are called.

I wouldn't give her the cell phone back. But if she needs something to be able to call her a ride or whatnot, maybe think about getting one of those that I mentioned.

Seriously, I don't care how old a girl talks. If the guy knows she's TEN and still pursues an inappropriate relationship with her, I'd try to contact HIS parents. Yuck.
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Old 02-27-2009, 01:05 AM
 
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My girls have an account with KidZui. It is a kid safe internet browser. You would have to password protect her laptop, so that the only internet she could access would be through kidzui, but I think it would be possible. KidZui has a free program, but you can also upgrade for $40 a year, I think.

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Old 02-27-2009, 01:26 AM
 
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It makes me really sad to hear these kind of stories. So much has changed. I was quite literally playing with dolls at 10 years old (as were my friends). Boys had cooties, Video games meant Pac Man.
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Old 02-27-2009, 12:38 PM
 
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I think you did the right thing. If you do give her back the cell and laptop, I'd pre-program in whatever way makes the best sense to ensure she only uses them for approved things.

It is very, very hard to explain to a girl that age just why what they're doing is unsafe. I know that when I was about 11-13, I thought that I was much more mature than I was, and it's very fortunate that I never had anyone take advantage of that. While we tell kids a lot about internet safety, most kids that age still think "Well, yeah, but I'm smart," and figure that they can easily recognize whether someone is a 'troll' or safe. And it's true that online, you do come across people who are obviously trolls or icky - but sometimes dangers are more subtle, and sometimes kids aren't as mature and ready for anything as they think. It sounds like your daughter needs you to make the decisions around her technology access for now.
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Old 02-27-2009, 01:06 PM
 
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I think you did the right thing, no questions about it.

First of all, because of safety.
Second of all, because of rudeness.

I would probably keep both until the end of the school year, and she has to realize that both things will only be returned if she demonstrates respect and is willing to abide by the rules, something along the lines:

* no texting at the dinner table
* no texting when someone is talking to you in person
* laptop will have a security software installed (something like NetNanny will prevent her from going to dangerous sites)
* if she violates any of the rules - she loses her cell phone and/or laptop again.
* if at the end of the school year she demands either - I wouldn't give it. There is no expectations other than politeness safety and respect.

It's not a joke, it's an absolute must to understand the dangers of internet use.

We do have our set of difficulties with dsd, but the "no texting at the dinner table", "no texting when someone is talking to you", and "no texting in the car" applies 99% of the time.

Hang in there.

New endeavor coming soon...
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Old 02-27-2009, 02:03 PM
 
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I think you did the right thing. At 10, she's way too involved in being online & texting. *Personally*, I'd give her a prepaid phone with texting disabled and a limited number of minutes that are to be used for emergencies only. That's what I started my kids on. It was only 2 Christmases ago when I got a family plan and they were allowed unlimited texting - and that was at 13 and 16. At 10? Prepaid phone w/60 minutes and the fear of God was put into them if they were to run out of minutes in a month. And that phone was shared.

And honestly? I wouldn't let her play WoW at her age. Not with online interaction with strangers. Why is that necessary?

And yes - I bet the 17yo didn't know she was 10. Or he's a freak. Basing it on MY 17yo? He didn't know.

Your daughter needs to earn levels of freedom back now. She screwed up. But... you also need to accept that you may have slacked the reins a little too much, a little too soon. Make it a learning experience for the both of you.
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Old 02-27-2009, 02:14 PM
 
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I highly recommend the book, "Hold On to Your Kids: why parents need to matter more than peers" by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. and Gabor Mate, M.D. I was able to find it at the library.

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

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Old 03-01-2009, 06:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by LionTigerBear View Post
I highly recommend the book, "Hold On to Your Kids: why parents need to matter more than peers" by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. and Gabor Mate, M.D. I was able to find it at the library.
:
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Old 03-01-2009, 06:58 PM
 
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I am sorry, this must be so hard for you. I am going to probably be the only one to say this, but I disagree with your approach. If you carry on this way things are only going to get worse as your DD gets older. (I am a mother of an 18 year old, so I have some experience!). Above all you need to ensure you have an open loving relationship with your DD, how you go about that depends on you, your experiences, personal agenda etc. but punishments and consequences are not the answer, cultivating a loving, respectful, relationship is.

I cannot recommend highly enough the work of Heather T Forbes, Beyond Consequences Logical and Control, please check out her website and if you can read her book.

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Old 03-01-2009, 07:06 PM
 
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It makes me really sad to hear these kind of stories. So much has changed. I was quite literally playing with dolls at 10 years old (as were my friends). Boys had cooties, Video games meant Pac Man.
I was also playing with dolls at age 10, but with some rather "adult" themes to my doll play. No, I wasn't flirting with 17yos but I was running a Barbie abortion clinic.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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Old 03-01-2009, 07:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I still have not decided what to do about this situation. She knows that for now she does not have access to either the laptop or the cellphone. Her father is also on board with this and for now she is not allowed to use it there either.

My ex husband had custody of my daughter for 4 years and in that time he forced her to grow up too quickly. If this was her natural progression I wouldn't be bothered, but .... in the few days her electronics have been taken away, and I have not allowed her to go over to A's house (a neighbor 4 years older there her that she calls her bff) .. she's a different girl. Seriously. She is kind and nicer to people. She talks to us. She plays with her little sisters. Yes, she has her moments still and once in awhile I see that look on her face like.. "Omg.. I'm so bored.. I wish I could go on the computer...." but it hasn't lasted long. The attitude has just totally flipped around.

How can it be beneficial to her for me to give everything back, allow her to have unsupervised overnights with A..(something I've stopped) when stopping it seems to have made such a positive difference?

I guess thats where I'm confused.

If taking the things away broke down our relationship and she hated me forever for it..(the first day she wasn't happy I admit.. but she got over it.) then I could see finding another way.... but she seems to have accepted it.

Thoughts?

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Old 03-01-2009, 07:18 PM
 
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She seems to be doing well without the computer or cell phone, so I don't see any reason to rush to return either one. It does appear that she was given too much freedom and NEEDED the limits you're now imposing on her.

BTW, there's nothing "not age appropriate" about a 10yo getting bored sometimes or wanting to play computer games. If and when you feel the time is right, you can let her use the computer again, but with some very strict rules in place about its use. Only let her go on specific, pre-approved websites (such as webkinz or club penguin, or an email account set up to only acceptand send email from senders YOU have pre-approved.) Give her a specific time limit for playing (such as half an hour a week to start, maybe working up to an hour a day) and absolutely forbid her from using the computer during family time.

But, considering all the trouble she got herself into, you may just want to keep her computer-free for the next 6 months. That would be OK too.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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Old 03-01-2009, 09:43 PM
 
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You are being too hard on yourself mama. Your #1 job is keeping her safe.

As for the phone, what about a firefly or something similiar-a phone that she can only use to call you or dad, 911 or another # programmed by you. Serves for safety and your convenience but doesn't allow all the other stuff)

I work with some teen girls and set a limit about text usage during our sessions, the phone is turned off and put up by them or they leave it with mom for 50 minutes. No one has died yet.

My kids all share one cell phone in theory. So anyone could see anyone else's text. I think there's a way to get a text history from the company, maybe thru the account's webpage. I've told my kids I reserve the right to monitor their texts and after seeing a Dr. Phil about sexting they don't have a camera phone.

I trust 'em but I don't trust their peers.
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Old 03-01-2009, 10:24 PM
 
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She only texts. She doesn't call her friends. In fact, in the month she's had the phone she's only made one call to a friend. The other calls were to me or her father, and about mmmm.... 8 or 9 thousand text messages to people. (along the lines of showing immaturity, I added a friend of mine in her phone for emergencies only. And she called me to let me know that she had been texting her nonstop for days, even after she asked her to please stop because she was at work. I spoke with her and asked her to stop, she still didn't. I had to remove the number.)
for most people texting is cheaper(or free) rather than calling. However if she would not stop when an adult asked her to stop texting to tells me she does not have the maturity to deal with the responsibility of a cel for anything other than emergencies.

If she is going somewhere where she'd need access to a phone, or you are more comfortable her having a phone then IMO she can have it then as long as it is only used if she needs to call you or you need to call her(ie, no texting or calling anyone else). When she walks back in the door you get the phone back.

My oldest will be 11 in Nov, there are 2-3 friends her age who have cels and about the same who have a facebook account. None of the other ones do. for most kids here that doesn't start until Grade 7.

Now she will be getting a cel for her birthday which strict regulations on it.
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Old 03-01-2009, 10:39 PM
 
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My oldest will be 11 in Nov, there are 2-3 friends her age who have cels and about the same who have a facebook account. None of the other ones do. for most kids here that doesn't start until Grade 7.

Now she will be getting a cel for her birthday which strict regulations on it.
My 11 year old got a cell phone for Christmas and she has been totally responsible with it and she needs no parentally imposed restrictions (she is on our family plan). She uses it to text me when she arrives at school as she rides the city bus. She also takes the bus to rock climbing and home from school on days she doesn't climb. She uses the phone or text to keep in touch with me, to let me know where she is. She gets the odd call or text from a friend, but that is it.

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Old 03-01-2009, 10:52 PM
 
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How can it be beneficial to her for me to give everything back, allow her to have unsupervised overnights with A..(something I've stopped) when stopping it seems to have made such a positive difference?

I guess thats where I'm confused.
I think you have your answer.

10 years old is very young. I think it is a wonderful thing for her to slow down. If and when you do decide to return her cell phone and computer, I would discuss the rules first, and make it clear, she either sticks by the rules, or she will have to learn to do without for a while longer.

I think different children need different approaches. Some will need more guidelines than others, some will naturally be drawn to trouble and others will naturally stir away from it. Maybe it's part of programmed personality mixed in with circumstances one cannot control? (i.e. divorce, friends, other adults in your child's life, etc.)

You learn through trial and error, and if your "trial" has brought you such positive results - you must have done something right in this mess of a situation, just my humble opinion.

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Old 03-01-2009, 11:36 PM
 
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My 11 year old has already cyber stalked a 16 year old and I have twice caught her trying to email college aged men. Had we not caught the stalking thing early on I fear we could have been visited by the police soon. This is a child who pretty much goes to school and comes home, last year she met the 16 year old on the bus while with her dad and brother and looked up his website later, which is when I started monitoring her internet usage. The college aged men she met when they visited the grade school.

We look over every email she sends or receives and there is no texting at all. There are too many people with no scruples and until she shows better judgement it isn't safe for her to use a computer or phone unsupervised.

Mind you, this is the same kid who pretended 2 years ago to not be able to do 3rd grade math or read, but she figured out how to get to the 16 year old's website and how to get the college men's email addys.

She shares a cell with her older brother and the first time we see a phone number on our bill that doesn't belong, there will be serious consequences.
Their cell is strictly for contacting us or 911.

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Old 03-02-2009, 03:07 PM
 
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I will toss out every computer in our house before I allow my daughter to have a computer with internet access in her bedroom. Seriously. And my DH is a computer nerd with all kinds of sites banned and parent security programs running constantly.
To me, her maturity is a non matter. I trust my daughter insofar as she is capable of holding it, but she's a kid. Its the rest of the world I do not trust. Kids click on stuff, they accept friends they don't know because their names sound cool.

There are 6 computers in our house. All of them are in public, well used areas. I don't see why kids need a computer in their bedroom. My kids spend time on the computer, on various sites. If they started to shield anything when we walked into the room, they would have a problem.

Computers are fun, they're a vast learning tool. But they aren't necessary. Parenting has evolved and becoming deeply interred in the advancement of technologies. As parents its not just the people we can *see* that are a cause for real concern, its also the ones we can't. And its our job to protect our kids for every threat, real is unseen as well.

You are her mother. You know her nature better than anyone. Trust yourself to guide her in life.
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Old 03-02-2009, 03:16 PM
 
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ITA.

No TVs or computers in their bedrooms.

We, or course, are the meanest parents in the world.

You should see the cr@p dsd gets in her email from her friends who have unlimited computer access.

I can't understand people not being concerned with what their 10 and 11 year old girls are looking at or who they are chatting with online.

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Old 03-02-2009, 03:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh my gosh no! Her laptop was never in her bedroom! It was/is hooked up directly next to my computer in the living room. All our computers are in public locations! And I do monitor what she goes to online. Its the reason why I caught her texting and emailing the 17 year old boy. They had only exchanged information the day before. Its not like it was an ongoing thing that happened for months or anything.

She doesn't even have a telephone in her room. (my main reason wasn't HER usage of it, but the fact that I know she would use it to spy on MY conversations which I don't appreciate.)

If I'm worried about that, she's not old enough for her own cell phone either. I'll be turning off that line.

The computer priveledges she might earn back sometime.

My husband and I play WoW, and that is the only reason why she plays. We have played for years together. We're a gaming family. Its one of the ways we spend time with each other. So eventually I will allow her to do that again, but there will be strict rules and expectations for who she groups with and how she talks with people. There will be NO cross over. In game friends STAY in game. And the chatlog will be on 100% of the time, and it will also be her responsibility to make sure it stays on. (if you log out it turns off automatically...pretty stupid.) When I check the logs, if I find something not right, times not right, or find that she's been talking to strangers innpropriately.. then she will lose the game. Perhaps permenantly depending on what she did.

I think she's going to take this seriously though. She's already seeing that she messed up pretty big, and she has admitted that she wants these rules to help keep her safe. THAT is a huge thing. For her to say, "Mom I want rules." tells me that this is the right choice. She is craving boundaries.

I also told her she will not be allowed overnights at A's house any longer. A is welcome to come here though. (it won't happen. A wants the freedom of her own house because of the lack of supervision. She always turns my daughters invitations down.) I did not forbid their friendship, but I let my daughter know why I was concerned and why I am not allowing her over there. Because right now her own judgement is compromised and I cannot trust that she can make good choices. She admits thats probably a good idea right now.

So really... I think I made the right choice.

Now, her father approached the situation telling her that if she doesn't stop she's going to be knocked up by 12 and be the town whore, and a bunch of other stuff I am NOT too happy to hear him say.... and I disagree with the approach.

I mean, we can all worry about that in the back of our minds but does it need to be said like that? Seemed a bit over the top to me. I was concerned about her safety... not her sexual activity. Feeling "in love" and sex are not the same thing to a 10 year old. I grounded her not because I think she's turning into a trashy whore, but because she broke major rules we had to keep her safe.

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Old 03-02-2009, 03:33 PM
 
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I was also playing with dolls at age 10, but with some rather "adult" themes to my doll play. No, I wasn't flirting with 17yos but I was running a Barbie abortion clinic.
Ruth, you are a strange and amazing person!

OP - You are a great mama! Look at how this situation is turning out, instead of what could be happening if you weren't so involved and concerned about your daughter's well-being. She could have met up with this boy and found herself in a big world of trouble. Instead her mom was right there to protect her, guide her and love her even if that's not what she thinks she wants or needs. That's EXACTLY what mothers are supposed to do!

I have a hunch that if you ditch the computer access and phone entirely for a while, you will see that responsible child re-emerging.

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Old 03-02-2009, 03:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the support mamas. This was a real difficult time for us, but I think we're working through it. I was so emotional behind closed doors! ... come to find out the teariness wasn't all about my daughter and my feelings of failure, but more about my own surprise!-you're-pregnant hormones!

I should have known. :

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