Would you let your 17 year old date a 21 year old? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums
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#121 of 140 Old 11-21-2011, 12:13 PM
 
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Yeah well I am the youngest of 6 in my family everyone of my siblings were married at 19 or 20...all of them have been divorced. I waited until I was 27 and now have been married 27 years. THere are more stories like my family's (where the divorce rate is extremely high for young people getting married) than the other way around. In my case, my daughter is 17 and a senior at a high school this guy is 21 and a senior in college over 4 hours away. She met him at a party. I am going to see to it that nothing comes of this...but I have to play my cards smartly. It's a huge crush and now this jeopardizes her having a boyfriend her senior year and may lead to no date at prom time...it's  a giant waste of time...So any tips on how to squash it would be appreciated.  

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#122 of 140 Old 11-21-2011, 02:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by VoiceOfThePeopl View Post

Yeah well I am the youngest of 6 in my family everyone of my siblings were married at 19 or 20...all of them have been divorced. I waited until I was 27 and now have been married 27 years. THere are more stories like my family's (where the divorce rate is extremely high for young people getting married) than the other way around. In my case, my daughter is 17 and a senior at a high school this guy is 21 and a senior in college over 4 hours away. She met him at a party. I am going to see to it that nothing comes of this...but I have to play my cards smartly. It's a huge crush and now this jeopardizes her having a boyfriend her senior year and may lead to no date at prom time...it's  a giant waste of time...So any tips on how to squash it would be appreciated.  



Have you ever discussed any of the above with your daughter? Maybe she will listen to you and take into account what you have to say.

 

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#123 of 140 Old 11-22-2011, 11:43 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VoiceOfThePeopl View Post

Yeah well I am the youngest of 6 in my family everyone of my siblings were married at 19 or 20...all of them have been divorced. I waited until I was 27 and now have been married 27 years. THere are more stories like my family's (where the divorce rate is extremely high for young people getting married) than the other way around. In my case, my daughter is 17 and a senior at a high school this guy is 21 and a senior in college over 4 hours away. She met him at a party. I am going to see to it that nothing comes of this...but I have to play my cards smartly. It's a huge crush and now this jeopardizes her having a boyfriend her senior year and may lead to no date at prom time...it's  a giant waste of time...So any tips on how to squash it would be appreciated.  


 

I have no tips on how to squash it. But, I have to say that I have never seen a parent successfully ensure that "nothing comes of this" in a situation like you describe. The parents I've seen try it have mostly ended up with a daughter more firmly fixated on the guy in question than they were in the first place.

 

And, really - it's not the end of the world if she doesn't have a date at prom.


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#124 of 140 Old 11-22-2011, 02:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post

But, I have to say that I have never seen a parent successfully ensure that "nothing comes of this" in a situation like you describe. The parents I've seen try it have mostly ended up with a daughter more firmly fixated on the guy in question than they were in the first place.

 

And, really - it's not the end of the world if she doesn't have a date at prom.


 

yes -- the more parent try to squash it, the more fixated on the relationship the teen becomes. I wonder if teens get to a point where they KNOW the relationship is a dead end, but continue it in rather than letting their parents "win."

 

Why can't the guy she likes take her to prom? To me, it seems having a boyfriend, regardless of his age, is a sure way of having a prom date, if that is a big goal.

 

(It wouldn't be a big goal for me for my kid)

 


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#125 of 140 Old 11-22-2011, 03:11 PM
 
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Most schools don't allow anyone who has graduated to go to prom. 
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post


 

yes -- the more parent try to squash it, the more fixated on the relationship the teen becomes. I wonder if teens get to a point where they KNOW the relationship is a dead end, but continue it in rather than letting their parents "win."

 

Why can't the guy she likes take her to prom? To me, it seems having a boyfriend, regardless of his age, is a sure way of having a prom date, if that is a big goal.

 

(It wouldn't be a big goal for me for my kid)

 



 

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#126 of 140 Old 11-23-2011, 02:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by VoiceOfThePeopl View Post

You are CRAZY...a 17 year old girl is probably a senior or junior (11th or 12th grade). A 21 year old either did not stay in college or is a senior or junior in college. College and high school are world's apart and if a junior or senior in college is still interested in a junior or senior in high school...something doesn't add up. Now a 18 yr old freshman with a senior in college?...at least they have college in common....But more importantly...the junior or senior girl in high school is now latched onto a college kid or working kid....girls this age need guys their age at the same school..I know what you're thinking...that can't happen for everyone...but that should be the goal.



I don't think it's very nice to call her crazy.


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#127 of 140 Old 11-23-2011, 06:07 PM
 
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My partner and I have been together since he was 16 and I was 21.  Age shouldn't be an issue soo much as maturity level for sure!

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#128 of 140 Old 11-23-2011, 06:44 PM
 
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I just asked DH out of curiosity (keep in mind DD is only 2 but we are only in our 30's so I guess that age wasn't too long ago and we started dating when I was 18 and he was 20).

 

Me: How would you feel if when Marley was 17 she wanted to date a 21 year old guy?

DH: Isn't that statutory?

Me: Not in most states.

DH: Well then we'd find a state where it was and move there.

 

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He went on to explain that he thinks it would be pretty rare for a good guy to actually at that age to be truly interested in a 17 year old. 

 


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#129 of 140 Old 11-26-2011, 04:11 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VoiceOfThePeopl View Post

You are CRAZY...a 17 year old girl is probably a senior or junior (11th or 12th grade). A 21 year old either did not stay in college or is a senior or junior in college. College and high school are world's apart and if a junior or senior in college is still interested in a junior or senior in high school...something doesn't add up. Now a 18 yr old freshman with a senior in college?...at least they have college in common....But more importantly...the junior or senior girl in high school is now latched onto a college kid or working kid....girls this age need guys their age at the same school..I know what you're thinking...that can't happen for everyone...but that should be the goal.


...WHAT?! I was still 17 when I started college! (But if my mom had agreed to one of the grade skips my elementary school had suggested, I would have started college at 16.) For various reasons, my beloved fiance had to start college a bit older than me. I believe he would have been 25 at the time, but he and I started college the exact same day. We didn't meet until a year later, but that was a coincidence that had nothing to do with his age.

 

Why is it a goal that a girl should have a guy at the same age and same school? What are the advantages of that? I think both of those are actually bad things. At that point in time, I think having a boyfriend the same age is often a bad thing. Not so bad at an older age, e.g. you're both well into adulthood, but as a teenager...?

 

Plus, not everyone who's attending school has their life revolve entirely around school to such a degree that they can't possibly have anything in common with someone not attending a similar school. (I didn't and I hope my kids don't.)

 

 

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Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post


The only problem I see with your comparison here MD is that 17-21 is a much larger gap maturity wise than 30-34 is.  17yo teens (girl or boy) are, generally speaking (this obviously doesn't apply to ALL 17yo's), still living at home and dependent on their parents for things like a roof over their head, a car, gas money, food, clothing etc.  21yo's are generally speaking still many of those, but in college (again, this obviously doesn't apply to ALL 21yo's).

 

Thats all fine, but there is generally pressure on teens to grow up faster, become more independent, "Act grown up" (whatever that means), etc.  A 17yo with a 21yo girl/boyfriend, is more likely to use that to feel more grown up, or to gain more independence.  A 17yo is less likely to have their own car than a 21yo for example, and more likely to have a curfew - this creates a power imbalance between the 17yo and the 21yo girl/boyfriend, which is unhealthy at best, and dangerous at worst. 

 

The same cannot be said for most 30yo women with 34yo boyfriends - most 30yo's are financially independent (not all of course), own their own car, have their own lives - so the power imbalance isn't as likely to be there.  The maturity gap between a 30yo and 34yo is much less present, if its present at all.  I really hate the argument that the same age gap later in life doesn't matter, so it doesn't matter when people are young either.  That could be used to argue that a 12yo should be able to date a 24yo - because you know, a 40yo dating a 52yo isn't so bad.

 

I don't have a problem with age gaps in dating, but no teen of mine will ever date anyone that much older than they are until they are no longer living under my roof (or they turn 18 and there isn't anything I can do about it anymore anyway).

 

 

We all agree that we want our kids to stay out of relationships where there's a significant power imbalance, but as you frequently pointed out in parantheses, those things are only loosely correlated with age. So why forbid relationships based on age instead of on those elements of power? I mean, cars were one of the examples you gave. I can see why things like having a car is an element of power, but does it really make sense to tell your kid, "You can't date this person because OTHER PEOPLE HIS AGE have a car"? But then again, even if he does have car... would you forbid your 17-year-old kid from dating another 17-year-old kid who had a car? What if your 17-year-old has a car? Most 17-year-olds can drive, even if they do have to borrow their parents' car.

 

If I may make a sexist generalization here... my experience suggests that girls tend to reach any particular emotional maturity milestone at an earlier age than boys do. They just lose that childhood rambunctiousness sooner. On average. So I think there's likely going to be LESS of a maturity gap in a relationship between a 17-year-old girl and a 21-year-old guy than in a relationship between a 17-year-old girl and a 17-year-old guy.

 

I think being under 18 (and especially under the age of consent) would also make it a lot easier for the younger person in the relationship to avoid being pressured into sex. Empathetic overly kind people can worry about hurting their partner's feelings. How much easier would it be if you could say, "I'm not ready... plus, it's illegal, remember?"

 

 

 

Quote:

Me: How would you feel if when Marley was 17 she wanted to date a 21 year old guy?

DH: Isn't that statutory?

Me: Not in most states.

DH: Well then we'd find a state where it was and move there.

 

I'm pretty sure it's only statutory anything if they're having sex, regardless of state.

 

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#130 of 140 Old 11-27-2011, 10:34 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Cyllya View Post

 

If I may make a sexist generalization here... my experience suggests that girls tend to reach any particular emotional maturity milestone at an earlier age than boys do. They just lose that childhood rambunctiousness sooner. On average. So I think there's likely going to be LESS of a maturity gap in a relationship between a 17-year-old girl and a 21-year-old guy than in a relationship between a 17-year-old girl and a 17-year-old guy.

 

I think being under 18 (and especially under the age of consent) would also make it a lot easier for the younger person in the relationship to avoid being pressured into sex. Empathetic overly kind people can worry about hurting their partner's feelings. How much easier would it be if you could say, "I'm not ready... plus, it's illegal, remember?"

 

 

"No will ever know!"  "It's ok, I love you, remember?"  "They will only know if you tell, which you don't want to do, right?"

 

Do you really think its that easy to back out of sex?  It SHOULD be easier, but its not when there is a power imbalance.

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#131 of 140 Old 11-27-2011, 03:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

 

"No will ever know!"  "It's ok, I love you, remember?"  "They will only know if you tell, which you don't want to do, right?"

 

Do you really think its that easy to back out of sex?  It SHOULD be easier, but its not when there is a power imbalance.



I dated a couple of older guys. However, the only times the above type of scenario played out in my life were with guys my own age, or even younger. Different people have different views on these things, but I never felt a power imbalance between me and a guy, just because he had a car, or a job, or whatever.


In any case, backing out of sex with an older boyfriend is going to have a lot more to do with a person's personality, upbringing and specific relationship dynamics than with whether or not the parents came down on the relationship in the first place. Honestly, I can't really see how telling a girl that her relationship/sexual decisions are up to someone else to make on her behalf is going to equip her to make them herself.


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#132 of 140 Old 11-27-2011, 04:30 PM
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Among the things I would worry about is the possibility that if a teenager is told that a relationship is "inappropriate" and that they are not permitted to engage with that person who their parents deem inappropriate, the relationship is unlikely to end, but the teenager can no longer turn to his or her parents for help if something goes wrong in the relationship. 

 

I'm not comfortable with the idea of one of my dds dating a 21-year-old at age 17.  But if the situation came up, the most important thing would be keeping the door open to discussion about what was going on in her life and, to the extent that a 17-year-old will allow, in her thoughts.  I would probably try to pack her schedule with a lot of family activities, and I would probably invite her partner along on a number of those so I could assess the dynamics between them.  

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#133 of 140 Old 02-10-2012, 06:49 AM
 
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I wanted to chime in here- I was a 17 year old who had a 24 year old boyfriend and was with him for 3 years. It ruined my last two years in high school and I regret it. I don't know what you can do to squash it cause the more you try to forbid it the more you are going to push her to sneak around- that whats I did at first.

I would invite him to your home and get to know him.  Let her know if she wants to see him- 60% of their time together needs to be in your home- explain this to him when he is over. Have your hubby talk to him- let him be the one to break it off.   He won't want to deal with this I bet... and if he does maybe he is not that bad.  I understand your concerns and you should be concerned.


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#134 of 140 Old 02-29-2012, 09:38 AM
 
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I had a 23 year old boyfriend when I was 17.  My parents offered no advice on my dating whatsoever.  I actually wish my Mom WOULD have ever offered an opinion.  But she was a "stay out of your business" Mom, and we really did get along great.  I should be a Mom like that. 

 

At any rate, 17 is nearly an adult.  There isn't much you can do.  Like the saying goes, hold your friends close and your enemies closer.  Get to know the boy at your home, if possible.  He will reveal himself as either a great person or a jerk over time, and your daughter will be watching.

 

 

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#135 of 140 Old 02-29-2012, 09:40 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post


 

yes -- the more parent try to squash it, the more fixated on the relationship the teen becomes. I wonder if teens get to a point where they KNOW the relationship is a dead end, but continue it in rather than letting their parents "win."

 

 

 


There is some real truth here.  You've said a mouthful.  I have a 15.5 year old.  I get it.
 

 

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#136 of 140 Old 02-29-2012, 10:37 AM
 
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It depends, but yes.  I am in that situation right now.  My dd was in a serious downward spiral.  When she was 14 and chasing an 18yo who was into drugs and he was a terrible influence, I fought it like her life depended on it.  She has damaged her life and herself a lot in the past 3 years since then.  But in the past 6 months she has turned into a completely different positive person, she doesn't get abusive with me, she participates in family activities, she's fun to be around and relaxed and happy instead of emotionally volatile, and she has taken responsibility for a lot things she used to never be able to.  It's been remarkable and wonderful to see.  She and her BF were friends for several months and are now in a serious relationship.  He is not the perfect ideal person but he has a positive personality and has been a positive influence anyhow.  I do spend some time with him and feel comfortable with him.  He is young for his age but clearly a good person IYKWIM. 

 

I don't know how things will turn out but this young man has been an instrumental part of my daughter's life while she recovered from being self-destructive and full of hate for everyone and everything around her.  He might have saved her life on some level.  (And FWIW when I use that language I want you to understand my dd is not a passive and dependent personality and she is one among her friends who has walked away from her past relationships proud and tall and usually friends with her exes, not broken.) 

 

He clearly loves her, she clearly is happy with herself, and they nourish each other's spirits.  I know that I would be in the wrong to try to get in the way, quite frankly.  My dd will be 18 in 6 months.  I have acted as shelter and support and wisdom in so many ways as she has recovered and watched her become ready for adulthood despite the damage she has done herself.  If I stepped in the way of her relationship I would do much much more harm than good.  I am happy to see her finally happy after years of misery.  Parental control of a 17yo is extremely selective and cautious.  I have a lot of influence and my daughter finally respects me for real after a few years of spitting in my face (figuratively) every time I entered her presence and worse.  I respect her too.  We have our differences but I respect her choice and I respect her relationship no matter what judgmental thought I sometimes have. 

 

For a different child with a different history with a different person for the boyfriend, I might very well have chosen differently, though.  I would encourage every parent in this situation to consider carefully what this love means and how it may be an important passage in a young person's life and just have an open mind and heart while making the best decision you can about where to stand.  

 


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#137 of 140 Old 03-11-2012, 06:02 PM
 
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I was 17 when I met my current Dp who was 24. In my case, I would have wanted nothing to do with him if I'd met him any younger. He was a bit wild in his late teens/ early 20's. He has always been good to me, never pressured me or manipulated me into anything and as far as sex goes I was the one pushing. I'm now 20 and we have a beautiful son and perfectly healthy relationship. I can't say that I would definitely let my 17 year old date a 21 year old but it would be fully dependant on his character as a person and have nothing to do with age.

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#138 of 140 Old 03-11-2012, 06:15 PM
 
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I met DH when I was sixteen and he was nineteen. We were friends for a year, but there was obvious sexual tension between us. He was very nice to me and I was madly in love with him, lol. When I was seventeen and he was twenty we started dating. It was his idea to wait for a year until I was eighteen before having sex. We've been together since, for 25 years now. We have a son and I'm pregnant with our second (a daughter). He is a wonderful father. My parents were not thrilled about the situation for the first few years, but now they love him more than me, lol.


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#139 of 140 Old 10-22-2012, 10:40 AM
 
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ok for the parent that said they would allow her daughter to date a 21 year old... well you sound so very awesome... u should adopt me

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#140 of 140 Old 07-21-2014, 04:01 PM
 
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Why

First thing off. Have you met the guy? Has he had straight forward conversation with you about your daughter? If not then don't try to fuck up their relationship. Cause if you do your daughter will turn that against you and it might mess up your relationship now and also in the near future. See parent forget to realize this not the old school this is the new school. People change, people are still as vigorous but if your daughter pray for a good man and that man is faithful then you should not worry. Trust me cause I was in the same situation with your daughter but my boyfriend has came to see my parents they told him to wait until im 19 to come back. I am now 22 yr. old We still together now and forever will. Cause he was honest to my parents and those two years that my parents set up was slap in their faces cause he meant what he say. So I say this. Your daughter smart and if she knows having sex with this man is a straight up no no and if he pressure her into trying it all she has to do is tell him get the steppin. Cause sex is a sacred thing between man and woman, BUT I know it value little now and days, but still if he said he understand that she not ready for that sort of thing and she want to wait and he committed to her. Then the hell with your doubts. Try build a relationship with the guy and your daughter and put your cards on the table. Then everything should be fine.
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