We are the strictest parents?! - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 01:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
robin4kids's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: NY
Posts: 360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We were told by of 13 y/o son that we are the strictest parents and he hates us for it My dh is proud of this new label. I on the other hand hate it. I am not saying that I want to give in to my ds's demands, but I wish our friends would stop giving in to their kids' demands.

We don't feel like we are THAT strict. We let ds stay home by himself while we go to the store. He sometimes watches his younger siblings for short times and we pay him. We live in the city, but let him take walks by himself. The things we just won't give in to are movies and shows and video games we find inappropriate for a boy his age. We limit the tv he can watch and only allow hand held games in our house. (these can only be played on the weekends) Oh and no cell phone or face book page. He has an email account, which we monitor.

It could be worse, right? I am just so tired of hearing, "Well XYZ was allowed to see Phush, Milk, or whatever other movie is hot at the moment." "XYZ has a facebook page." "Why do you get to see my email?" Why are parents allowing their kids to see so much violence and sexual content? My ds might look like he is 16, but he is only 13.

We made the mistake of letting him see Steven King's IT. I know, I know Awful!!!! Well they never finished it. Half way through I saw the way my ds and his friend were behaving and pulled the plug. They were so scared, but denied it! Yet every time I ask my ds to go to the basement he asks someone to come with him. HMMMM! We will NEVER make that mistake again. We really believe that kids need to be protected till they are older. Some days i just want to move to the country, homeschool and build a wall around our house. O.K that is a little extreme, but you get the picture.
robin4kids is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 01:46 PM
 
sapphire_chan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 27,052
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
He was freaked out by the movie, but is still asking to see scary movies? Maybe part of what's going on is he wants to prove to *himself* that he's mature/old/cool/tough enough to handle that stuff? Does he have any hobbies that let him say "hey, I was able to do that" like martial arts, hiking, building things, etc?

ETA:
Also, there are websites where you can look up exactly why a movie got a certain rating and decide if it's something your child can handle or if it's something that they can handle if you talk to them about key points.
sapphire_chan is offline  
#3 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 01:46 PM
 
Cherie2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,642
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know everybody is different, but at 13 I left home and lived on my own. I traveled the country. This is only one woman's opinion, but I think he needs some autonomy or he will never learn to self regulate.

Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
DGS born 2005
Cherie2 is offline  
#4 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 02:25 PM
 
suabel's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 112
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I for one don't think you are overly protective. We all have to follow our own compass, so what's right for your child and your family certainly might not be a good fit for someone else. At the end of the day, you have to live with your choices. I'd rather err on the overprotective side if I must.

I have a 13-year-old daughter, and her privileges are very similar to what you describe. No cell phone yet (it's actually coming soon), no facebook/myspace, we reserve the right to read her email. Her freedom is increasing as she shows us that's she's ready for it. I know her temperment and maturity, so her father and I get to choose what I think she's ready for. I do allow my daughter some freedom with movies, but only because I know her personality. I do read up on the movie first so I know what she's watching and so we can discuss it later if I think there are talking points, ie. violence, sexual overtones.

Really, you owe no one any explanation on why you choose to parent the way you do. If your son is expressing the need for more independence, of course there are things you can rethink, but certainly at 13 there's lots of time to dole it out in increments.

Finally, I think every kid, no matter how much freedom them have, uses the "but Bob's mom lets him" excuse about something.

~Tammy
suabel is offline  
#5 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 02:25 PM
 
chiromamma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 772
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd stop monitoring the email, let him get a facebook on the condition that you are one of his friends.
I agree about protecting kids to some degree but they do need to participate in some of the rituals of the culture in which they live.
chiromamma is offline  
#6 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 04:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
robin4kids's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: NY
Posts: 360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We will give our son more freedom to watch more grown up shows/ movies as he shows the maturity for it. We really don't feel that at the tender age of 13 that he knows what is an appropriate show to watch. Children tend to copy what they see on tv. If there is shooting, then they play shooting games.

I think what parents need to remember now is that when they were 13, there was not the same level of technology. Movies were not as graphic. There was no facebook, or email. So yes we could all sit back and let our kids watch whatever they want, play whatever game they pleased.I however am confident that my children will try their best when they are on their own to make the best decisions, but I know there will be some mistakes. I think it is our job as adults to shield our kids till they are mature enough to handle things on their own.

One person said that they think that if i shelter my child too much, they might go crazy when they are older and i am not around. Kids can't drink till they are 21 and some do go crazy when they are finally allowed, but not for long. I am sheltering him from violence and sexual content. The worst that could happen is he could decide to watch every movie we forbid.
The point was not that we did not want him to watch the movies, just that we wanted him to wait till he was older.

I wish more parents would think twice about what they allow their kids to watch and play. Just because they look older does not mean they are mature enough to handle all that is going on in the world. Take the movie "Slum Dog Millionaire", great movie, but way too violent for a teen. I still am having a hard time with the abuse that happened to the children in the movie. One of our friends let their 13 y/o dd watch the movie. Why put that imagine in a child's head. I wish I did not have those images in MY head.
robin4kids is offline  
#7 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 06:50 PM
 
nd_deadhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
I agree with you. Once a person (kid OR adult) sees something, they can't ever "unsee" it.

I let my sons (14-1/2-yr-old twins) watch some R-rated movies when they were 13, but only if I had seen it first, and only if they watched with DH or me, so we could discuss the R-rated aspect. I am not as concerned about language as I am about violence and sex.

We have talked about WHY I feel those shows are inappropriate for them, which helps. I've talked about becoming sensitized to violence by seeing too much too soon, and I generally don't want them watching shows that show casual sexual relationships.

We've also talked about how different families have different values and rules. When our kids have tried the "But Luke gets to..." I ask "Does Luke's family take him skiing? or to ZZ Top concerts? or turkey hunting? Would you rather live with us or with Luke's family?" They realize that there are tradeoffs - and when they stop to think about it, our rules aren't so bad, when they consider the benefits of having us for parents.

You know your son better than any of us, and know what he's ready to handle better than any of us.

My kids both have e-mail accounts (just this year), and we do not monitor them, but they have never given us any reason not to trust them. I do know that they do not e-mail often; our only computer is in the family room, so there's not much privacy.

If the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

nd_deadhead is offline  
#8 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 06:59 PM
 
MsChatsAlot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,962
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I really want my kids to be discriminating consumers. I think, as a parents, we do have some insight into things or have a different perspective. With my kids I have always tried to explain why I think it's not appropriate, talk it through with them and then hear their point of view too. We set up some guidelines that work for all of us and proceed. Going about it this way, I've watched my kids turn off shows in the middle, realizing it was too much for them. I've also said, "this is more than I thought it was and feel it needs to go off now" and they've been okay with that too.

It's a delicate balance between allowing them the space to be in the world and make choices that are best for them...and not being involved enough and really knowing what they are doing.

I typically prefer to have them experience things around me, so they can understand what is truly best for them and I can help them through it, with the hope that when they make decisions and I'm not around, they'll do the same and do what's truly best for them.

There are no easy answers in this gig called parenting, is there?
MsChatsAlot is offline  
#9 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 07:04 PM
 
PoppyMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In my own delusions.
Posts: 3,126
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I do not parent like you do and my kids are not violent or awful in any way. You get to parent how you wish and I respect that but other parents can disagree with you and parent in their own way. We are not doing this to sabatoge you. Make your choices and then own them and don't expect other people to make you look good to your child.
PoppyMama is offline  
#10 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 07:12 PM
 
fek&fuzz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: down in the hunker
Posts: 8,679
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If he were writing letters to someone would you read the ones he sent and received? Do you pick up the phone so you can listen to what is happening on the other end of his phone calls? Do you sit with him and his friends so you can hear what they are talking about when they are around?

It sounds like he might need a little privacy.
fek&fuzz is offline  
#11 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 07:40 PM
 
Cherie2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,642
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
I typically prefer to have them experience things around me, so they can understand what is truly best for them and I can help them through it, with the hope that when they make decisions and I'm not around, they'll do the same and do what's truly best for them.
yea, me too

Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
DGS born 2005
Cherie2 is offline  
#12 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 07:50 PM
 
Cherie2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,642
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by robin4kids View Post
The worst that could happen is he could decide to watch every movie we forbid.

and you would not be there to discuss it with them..

maybe the worst that could happen is they could build up resentment towards you and not care what your opinions are...

or they could feel so controlled that they rebel and spend years doing things just because they were not "allowed" instead choosing them

Really I don’t mean to be adversarial, but I have reasons for letting my children do the things I let them do, and its not so your kids can come home and tell you I let them do it.

Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
DGS born 2005
Cherie2 is offline  
#13 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 07:56 PM
 
claddaghmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3,823
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You don't seem too strict. But I think you might be putting blame on the wrong people.

Last time I checked, it was totally normal for 13yos to "hate" their parents, bang doors, stomp feet, demand more freedom, etc.

Said in a lighthearted way.

Why not let him get a facebook attached to the email you are monitoring? I personally don't think it works to say he can have one if you are his friend. All he has to do is create a different page that you don't know about. It seems more secure to monitor the entire computer and his history.

Mama to expecting Babe 2
claddaghmom is offline  
#14 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 08:00 PM
 
fek&fuzz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: down in the hunker
Posts: 8,679
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
and you would not be there to discuss it with them..

maybe the worst that could happen is they could build up resentment towards you and not care what your opinions are...

or they could feel so controlled that they rebel and spend years doing things just because they were not "allowed" instead choosing them

Really I don’t mean to be adversarial, but I have reasons for letting my children do the things I let them do, and its not so your kids can come home and tell you I let them do it.
Yep.

I had very lenient parents. And there was this boy that my friend was dating that all the neighborhood parents hated. He was harmless. We were at my friends house, unsupervised, and my mom wanted me to come home since there were no parents. We were just sitting around talking and being bored (I;m sure they imagined we were having a drug fueled orgy) but I didn't want to go home. My mom said "But he's not a good person." I said back "Yeah, but I need to figure that out for myself since you won't always be around me." She agreed, and let me stay.

We figured out shortly after that he wasn't really all that, and then he went to live with his mom. If our parents had forbidden us from seeing him, they would have just pushed us towards him.

I think sometimes kids need some space and freedom and credit for knowing what is right and wrong.

My friends who had the strictest parents were forever sneaking out and drinking and going to parties. My mom told me "If you are at a party and there is beer, you can always take one and just nurse it. No one will know. You can also just pour out the can in the bathroom and fill it with water if you want." But really the smartest way to get me not to drink beer at parties was to give us sips of her Sam Adams beer at home. After that a Bud Light is disgusting!
fek&fuzz is offline  
#15 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 08:04 PM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 25,596
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by robin4kids View Post
I wish more parents would think twice about what they allow their kids to watch and play. Just because they look older does not mean they are mature enough to handle all that is going on in the world.
You are more than welcome to raise your children the way you choose to raise them. So am I. I strongly dislike the assumption that parents who have different boundaries for their children than you do are parents who don't "think twice about what they allow their kids to watch and play". I know ds1. I know what bothers him and what doesn't. I can't prescreen movies for him, because, quite honestly, he's perfectly okay with stuff that I absolutely will not watch.

I don't make my decisions based on how old he looks. I make them based on who he is.

You do what's right for your family and stop worrying about what I do with mine, or with what your friends do with theirs. If you're the strictest parents around, then so be it. That's what you are. I don't get why you're wishing that other parents did what you do. Do what's right for you and don't worry about it.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#16 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 08:07 PM
 
Cherie2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,642
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
But really the smartest way to get me not to drink beer at parties was to give us sips of her Sam Adams beer at home. After that a Bud Light is disgusting!

Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
DGS born 2005
Cherie2 is offline  
#17 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 08:23 PM
 
claddaghmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3,823
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
Yep.


My friends who had the strictest parents were forever sneaking out and drinking and going to parties.
ITA. I had a friend growing up who wasn't allowed to touch or look at anything alcohol related. (Aka couldn't bring a beer to dad, couldn't sit next to someone drinking beer). Anyways....she certainly partied it up in her teens years.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
My mom told me "If you are at a party and there is beer, you can always take one and just nurse it. No one will know. You can also just pour out the can in the bathroom and fill it with water if you want."
That is actually an excellent idea! I'll have to remember that...

Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
But really the smartest way to get me not to drink beer at parties was to give us sips of her Sam Adams beer at home. After that a Bud Light is disgusting!

Amen!

Mama to expecting Babe 2
claddaghmom is offline  
#18 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 08:33 PM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 25,596
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
My friends who had the strictest parents were forever sneaking out and drinking and going to parties.
:
That was my experience, too. There were a few exceptions - the ones like me who were acting out crazily because of other things, but of the more "normal" (aka, not completely dysfunctional) homes, it was mostly the really strict ones that had the wild partiers, ime.

Quote:
My mom told me "If you are at a party and there is beer, you can always take one and just nurse it. No one will know. You can also just pour out the can in the bathroom and fill it with water if you want."
Quote:
Originally Posted by claddaghmom View Post
That is actually an excellent idea! I'll have to remember that...
That's what my stepbrother told his oldest, as well.

Quote:
But really the smartest way to get me not to drink beer at parties was to give us sips of her Sam Adams beer at home. After that a Bud Light is disgusting!
Quote:
Amen!
HAHAHAHAHA! I'll have to tell dh about that. Since I outgrew my teens, you couldn't pay me to drink beer, even the "good" stuff. But, dh loves imports and craft brews (he also does all-grain homebrewing), and I suspect he'd love this strategy.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#19 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 08:54 PM
 
bigeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: hawaii
Posts: 7,360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by claddaghmom View Post
You don't seem too strict. But I think you might be putting blame on the wrong people.

Last time I checked, it was totally normal for 13yos to "hate" their parents, bang doors, stomp feet, demand more freedom, etc.

Said in a lighthearted way.
Oh yeah. My 12 year old thinks we're the dumbest people ever.

Too bad. He's still not watching an R rated movie.

We preview everything, and make decisions after we've seen for ourselves. If there is a lot of gratuitous sex and violence, no. If it's swearing and a few mildly risque jokes, maybe yes.

As long as there are age restrictions on certain things, it really isn't up to them, their friends, or their friends' parents, is it?

And I'm not about to let someone else's child watch something that isn't age appropriate without checking with their parents first.

for intuitive readings click here :
bigeyes is offline  
#20 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 08:59 PM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 25,596
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
And I'm not about to let someone else's child watch something that isn't age appropriate without checking with their parents first.
It's funny. I think I'm forgetting just how much ds1 has grown and matured in the last 3 or so years (he's 16 tomorrow). We controlled his media consumption a lot more strictly at 13 than we do now.

That said...I wish more of his friends had had parents like you. He watched some stuff I would never have let him watch at a couple of his friend's homes, and they were moms I liked, and had no idea they'd let him watch stuff like that. I will admit that I don't check with parents, anymore, though. I did until a year or two ago, if I had any doubts at all. What I really don't get is how often I was greeted with an expression and/or tone of voice that suggested I was nuts for checking in. Even if it was something that ds1 was totally allowed to watch, I'd understand why a parent was checking with me, yk?

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#21 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 09:13 PM
 
bigeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: hawaii
Posts: 7,360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
It's funny. I think I'm forgetting just how much ds1 has grown and matured in the last 3 or so years (he's 16 tomorrow). We controlled his media consumption a lot more strictly at 13 than we do now.

That said...I wish more of his friends had had parents like you. He watched some stuff I would never have let him watch at a couple of his friend's homes, and they were moms I liked, and had no idea they'd let him watch stuff like that. I will admit that I don't check with parents, anymore, though. I did until a year or two ago, if I had any doubts at all. What I really don't get is how often I was greeted with an expression and/or tone of voice that suggested I was nuts for checking in. Even if it was something that ds1 was totally allowed to watch, I'd understand why a parent was checking with me, yk?

I can't get over how many people don't check. Dsd watched something extremely inappropriate at a friend's house a few years ago and I was livid. She had a lot of trouble separating reality from fantasy at the time and it was not helpful at all. : I always check, just in case, because we've had a few friends who get offended if someone says butt, which means their kids can watch G rated movies only.

How they became friends with us is beyond me. I'm constantly having to edit out @$$.

There are also a lot of children who have nightmares from stuff I might consider relatively mild. Dsd couldn't watch things at 9 Ds watched at 7. I'd like to know those things before I traumatize someone else's kid, not after.

Lately I've noticed every movie that has a romance has characters jumping in and out of bed at the drop of a hat, which seems to give kids the impression that's how relationships work. There's no getting to know you period at all, and that is not the message I want my kids to be getting, yk?

for intuitive readings click here :
bigeyes is offline  
#22 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 10:00 PM
 
Theoretica's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside my head (it's quiet here!)
Posts: 3,663
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by robin4kids View Post
I wish our friends would stop giving in to their kids' demands.

The things we just won't give in to are movies and shows and video games we find inappropriate for a boy his age. We limit the tv he can watch and only allow hand held games in our house. (these can only be played on the weekends) Oh and no cell phone or face book page. He has an email account, which we monitor.

It could be worse, right? I am just so tired of hearing, "Well XYZ was allowed to see Phush, Milk, or whatever other movie is hot at the moment." "XYZ has a facebook page." "Why do you get to see my email?" Why are parents allowing their kids to see so much violence and sexual content? My ds might look like he is 16, but he is only 13.

We made the mistake of letting him see Steven King's IT.
Can I make a few gentle suggestions? My two oldest kids are 18 and 15, and I remember having the same feelings as you describe here, and the same conversations. If I were to look back and do things a little differently (which I can do with The Littles) it'd be to do this:

Sit down and encourage your son to talk about this while you listen. Really listen. He's 13. He wants to feel like 'being a teenager' really matters for something. He wants to feel like he has some control over his life. So REALLY listen to him. Don't just pacify his frustration while you wait to justify your rules and restrictions, but take a few notes on what he is saying and wanting to change. Let him know you'll look over and consider his ideas. Then give it some genuine thought and a few days to chew it over. You might find that he's not wanting things that are totally unreasonable. Maybe he wants a later bedtime. Would it kill either you or him to allow it to be moved a bit? Probably not. Maybe he wants more freedom with media choices. What would be the harm in installing some protective software that blocks inappropriate (sex/violence) sites and backing off on the reading of the email? ITA w/the pp...I doubt you listen in on his phone calls, this is the same concept. As for Facebook, it's genuinely something TONS of 13yos have and use to communicate with one another, so what good is it accomplishing to forbid that specific thing? As for the cell phone, would you consider it if he pays for it himself?

I do understand and totally get the concept of wanting to shield them from the unpleasantness of this world. But he's growing up, and the fact that he's complaining means he's frustrated with the current state of things. I'm not suggesting you just wipe out all of your rules, but consider involving him in the process of making them. Getting him on board as a team player in the family NOW, as opposed to just a cast member, will pay dividends later down the road as he 'grows into' his personality and ambitions.

HTH mama, these teens are an adventure!

GOOD moms let their kids lick the beaters. GREAT moms turn off the mixer first!
Humanist Woman Wife , & Friend Plus Mama to 6 (3 mos, 2, 9, 13, 17, 20)
Theoretica is offline  
#23 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 10:05 PM
 
Theoretica's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside my head (it's quiet here!)
Posts: 3,663
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Coming back to add....

As for wishing other parents wouldn't 'give in' to their teen's demands. First, you don't know that the 'other teens' are demanding anything in the first place. Second, maybe those things are ok with their family, and they haven't had a problem with it. My oldest daughter and I used to watch South Park together when she was younger, I think about 15-16. I remember a fellow HSing family overheard us talking about it and just about came UNGLUED that I would 'expose' her to 'such trash'. The thing is, it was a great vehicle to talk about current events in a way that was relevant to her and that teen sense of humor. South Park is totally responsible for launching us into conversations about everything from AIDS to green-washing to the Iraq war and Bush. So, in other words, it worked for us.

Also, a 13yo watching IT is a LOT different than a 13yo watching Bad Boys or some other mindless but R rated movie where the bad guys lose and the good guys win.

And, FWIW, The Grudge was one of the scariest movies I'd ever seen in my LIFE. And it was PG13. Amnityville Horror was NOTHING compared to Grudge. *shiver*

GOOD moms let their kids lick the beaters. GREAT moms turn off the mixer first!
Humanist Woman Wife , & Friend Plus Mama to 6 (3 mos, 2, 9, 13, 17, 20)
Theoretica is offline  
#24 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 10:11 PM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 25,596
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
I can't get over how many people don't check.
It kind of blows my mind, too.

Quote:
There are also a lot of children who have nightmares from stuff I might consider relatively mild.
See, in this, I'm one of those children, and ds1 is you! Things just don't faze him. I, otoh, cannot watch horror movies, and have to avoid a few scenes, even in movies I like (the airplane prop in Raiders of the Lost Ark - and the bugs - Shelob, from LOTR, many others, although I can't think of them right now). I don't get nightmares, but do get...sort of like nighttime anxiety attacks, and then I can't get to sleep worth crap. I have enough trouble with insomnia without inviting even more of it, yk?

Quote:
Dsd couldn't watch things at 9 Ds watched at 7. I'd like to know those things before I traumatize someone else's kid, not [I]after.
Yeah. I upset my nephew when he was about 7, when I showed them The Labyrinth. I thought he'd be okay, but he had a new baby brother and was really upset during the baby-napping scene. He and I had a long talk about it, and he did decide to watch it again...but only after I'd assured him that the baby did not get hurt. I think he wanted to see for himself.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#25 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 10:20 PM
 
Sailor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: CA
Posts: 2,433
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't have kids, but I must admit, at age 13, I would have been LIVID if my parents checked my email/mail. It would have been, for me, an awful feeling. But, my family was always very big on privacy - yes, even for kids.

The other stuff - fine. But, why the email? I understand approving friends on, say, MSN chat and having control over that. But, reading personal emails? What is the logic behind that?

To me, it's like reading someone's journal or going through their room to see what they're hiding. Doesn't seem like a good way to foster trust.

First special delivery - April 2010 :
Sailor is offline  
#26 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 10:29 PM
 
ChampagneBlossom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 465
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My parents were the super monitoring kind. I feel to this day that by the time I was 17 or so I was as mature as I am today. I "grew up" into an adult at that point. Not to say I had all the life experience that I do now (and heck, I still don't have ALL that much, considering I'm not even 30) but I don't feel that being so strictly controlled by parents is healthy. I didn't feel respected at all.

I didn't exactly end up rebelling, but when I did start saying "whatever, I'll just do my own thing" when I was 18-19 my mother especially freaked out and said I was rejecting her etc. It's really hard to put into words what I'm getting at. I was really angry for a long time about how I was held back for, what I see now as no good reason. I wasn't "kept innocent" in any way, I just had a million roadblocks thrown against me by my parents. Who, I'm sure, simply meant well.

My mom would accuse me of doing drugs when I never had, of having sex, of drinking... she had "proof" of all these things but it was ridiculous because I never did them!

I talked with my mother about this lately and she admits that she wishes she had trusted me more and not tried so hard to keep me protected and innocent. It really ruined our relationship for so many years that she had to be this angry enforcer and I had to "rebel" even though I never had it in me. I never wanted to get them angry or hurt them; I just wanted to figure life out. Is that so bad?

Bad things DID happen to me, but they did even though I had over controlling parents. And I don't really regret them because I had a pretty good head on my shoulders and what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger, right? (Said with a grain of salt of course.)

I met this girl in college who had a mother that was "like her best friend" - I rolled my eyes at this but really and truly, I overheard her talking to her mom about what an awesome hook up she had while really high on drugs. And the mom was like "I hope you used a condom" and I was just really surprised that people could have that sort of relationship with their parents. That's the opposite end of the spectrum. I wouldn't choose that one either as my parenting style, but possibly, hopefully a nice medium.
ChampagneBlossom is offline  
#27 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 10:32 PM
 
claddaghmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3,823
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sailor View Post
I don't have kids, but I must admit, at age 13, I would have been LIVID if my parents checked my email/mail. It would have been, for me, an awful feeling. But, my family was always very big on privacy - yes, even for kids.

The other stuff - fine. But, why the email? I understand approving friends on, say, MSN chat and having control over that. But, reading personal emails? What is the logic behind that?

To me, it's like reading someone's journal or going through their room to see what they're hiding. Doesn't seem like a good way to foster trust.
umm, I suppose this will come out sounding curt...but seriously? Emails are not just like a journal. They are permanent public messages that can be read and sent by anyone.

Mama to expecting Babe 2
claddaghmom is offline  
#28 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 10:42 PM
 
1growingsprout's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 2,666
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Funny you should mention the email and face book. My neighbor tried the same thing with her DS (12), monitoring the childs email and not allowing websites and such. Her DS went to the library or another friends house set up another email account and opened up myspace/facebook and whatever else he wanted to do. The mom was oblivious for months. That child only accessed those accounts from someplace other than his home. Once the mom found out what her DS had done she tried to make him cancel the accounts he said fine, i can just go and do it again. Its very sad but there is no trust in that house between that child and parent. All because the mom kept saying no and wouldnt give an inch. That child is now 14 and heck-bent on getting out of there asap.
Im not saying that your son will put 2 and 2 together and figure out he can open email accounts etc. from someplace else...
But what happens when he is at 'tommy's house' and they decide to watch XYZ movie? etc
1growingsprout is offline  
#29 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 10:51 PM
 
Lisa85's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 982
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by claddaghmom View Post
umm, I suppose this will come out sounding curt...but seriously? Emails are not just like a journal. They are permanent public messages that can be read and sent by anyone.
Not to mention the sending AND receiving part. Kids can receive emails from anyone, with or without the owner's consent. We did have email and IM and all that when I was teen - 12 or 13 I think - and I'm 24 now. And I have to wonder what in the hell my parents were thinking. If they just didn't understand the technology of it, didn't think it was problem, or it never occurred to them that it could be dangerous and inappropriate. The worst of it for me at that age was the chat rooms. Complete random strangers I was talking to and they thought nothing of it. I even had a "cyber boyfriend" for a time and yes we had "cyber sex". No pictures or anything of the sort exchanged, but still, not something I needed to be talking about at 13. Would they read snail mail letters? Of course not. Because inherently there is more control over that. You don't look up a random person and send them a letter. But people do with email. If your kid got a random snail mail letter from somebody you didn't know, and your kid didn't have a good explanation - would you not read it? Would you let them send snail mail letters to people they didn't know? Of course not.
Lisa85 is offline  
#30 of 119 Old 03-18-2009, 10:53 PM
 
Theoretica's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside my head (it's quiet here!)
Posts: 3,663
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa85 View Post
Not to mention the sending AND receiving part. Kids can receive emails from anyone, with or without the owner's consent. We did have email and IM and all that when I was teen - 12 or 13 I think - and I'm 24 now. And I have to wonder what in the hell my parents were thinking. If they just didn't understand the technology of it, didn't think it was problem, or it never occurred to them that it could be dangerous and inappropriate. The worst of it for me at that age was the chat rooms. Complete random strangers I was talking to and they thought nothing of it. I even had a "cyber boyfriend" for a time and yes we had "cyber sex". No pictures or anything of the sort exchanged, but still, not something I needed to be talking about at 13. Would they read snail mail letters? Of course not. Because inherently there is more control over that. You don't look up a random person and send them a letter. But people do with email. If your kid got a random snail mail letter from somebody you didn't know, and your kid didn't have a good explanation - would you not read it? Would you let them send snail mail letters to people they didn't know? Of course not.
Ummm. But there's ample programs, free and not, that will screen email and 'net access for inappropriate content. So it's not necessary to hover.

GOOD moms let their kids lick the beaters. GREAT moms turn off the mixer first!
Humanist Woman Wife , & Friend Plus Mama to 6 (3 mos, 2, 9, 13, 17, 20)
Theoretica is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off