Am I an old fuddy-duddy? - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-06-2009, 12:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I need some perspective from those with kids in the jr high age bracket. I've posted before about my stepdaughter's 12 yo sister, who spends a fair amount of time with us. She has a 14 yo boyfriend that has been causing a bit of concern.

She is one of my friends on facebook, and this weekend her profile picture was of her and the boyfriend making out. : At 12, I was definitely not making out with boys, but maybe I was not the norm? Or maybe times have changed? twelve just seems so young, and making out seems so close to actually DTD.

I have no idea if her mom has talked to her about sex and birth control yet. She waited a little too long with the oldest girl in the family (two pregnancies before the age of 18).

DH is going to mention the picture to her mom. She is such an intelligent and mature girl in so many ways that it is hard to remember that she is only 12. But bottom line is that she is only 12! Is this normal 12 yo behavior these days and I am just getting old and crotchety? Or is this girl getting in over her head?

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Old 04-06-2009, 01:14 PM
 
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It's unfortunately more common than it should be. I don't have a preteen myself, but I'm a former 8th grade teacher and have seen/heard it all. I don't think you're crotchety, I just think today's teenagers are moving way to fast sexually based on what is going on around them (older siblings, media, etc.).

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Old 04-06-2009, 01:20 PM
 
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I think making out is somewhat normal for some 12 yo, but I'd be concerned about other sexual activity that may be going on.

The big concern for me would be the idea she has that kissing/sexual contact is for all to see. Any picture that is posted online is there forever, even if removed from facebook (or wherever it's posted). I teach internet safety to 4th & 5th graders & they seem shocked that the internet is forever.
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Old 04-06-2009, 01:23 PM
 
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I was definitely "making out" with boys at that age. (And remained a virgin until after I was out of high school). But is seems a lot more innocent than what I think they are doing now. My 15 year old and his friends are getting cell phone pics from girls at school in just bra and panties. It also disturbs me that oral sex seems to have fallen under the heading of "making out" for a lot teens these days.
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Old 04-06-2009, 01:23 PM
 
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I would definately have your dh talk to her about birth control and sex! Even if her mom has had the talk, a second one wouldn't hurt.
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Old 04-06-2009, 02:38 PM
 
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I have to disagree about having your DH talk to you niece. If my brother, or my brother-in-law spoke to my teen about sex/birth control, I would think that was HUGE overstep of his boundaries.

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Old 04-07-2009, 05:04 AM
 
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Making out a 12 isn't, from my experience, all that odd. Nor does it mean she will be/is having sex.

Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable discussing sex with another persons child, even if that child is my niece because so many parents have a clear idea about what they want/don't want to be discussed with their child and it would be very disrespectful and over stepping the boundaries to go out and "take over" just because you don't agree. If said niece comes to you to talk, or to your Dh to talk, then talk. But initiating the conversation is going over her parents heads on the matter.

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Old 04-07-2009, 10:58 AM
 
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Oh well, I just reread it. I'm confused now, too. Is your DH the parent of this child? Either way, I think it's appropriate to have DH talk to the child's mom. But if DH isn't the parent, I don't think he should be talking to the kid, unless they have a very close relationship.
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Old 04-07-2009, 01:45 PM
 
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Okay, wait....I think I mis-read it as being your step-sister's daughter. But now I'm seeing that it's your step-daughter's sister...I'm so confused! And, I think someone else just posted about their 12yo neice being on facebook. Sorry...I think I really mixed things up here!

Either way though...If your DH is not this child's father...he has no business talking to her directly. Clearly though, if he is the father, he can say whatever he feels is appropriate!

Sorry for the mix up!

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Old 04-07-2009, 01:48 PM
 
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FWIW, I'm 32, and when I was 12 it seemed that making out with boys was the norm. At least that's what most of my friends claimed-- I don't have proof or anything.
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Old 04-07-2009, 01:54 PM
 
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I sure hope this isn't the norm and if it is I would suggest that they aren't making out with the 12 yo boys I know.

I see that you said 14 yo boy and quite frankly I find the age difference to be a problem. Two years won't be a big gap later but right now I think it is. (Just my very humble opinion)

You don’t owe them an explanation, just a response.
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Old 04-07-2009, 02:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The relationship is confusing. She is my stepdaughter's sister. DH isn't her father, but her father was absent most of her life and then passed away a few years ago. So DH is a father-figure to her, if that makes sense. She spends about 1 weekend/month with us. She celebrates father's day with us, as well as some other holidays and vacations.

I don't think that DH would feel comfortable talking with her about sex. Her mom did ask us (especially me) to talk with her about the boyfriend and try to steer her in the keep-it-casual-puppy-love direction. But I think that a sex talk would overstep things.

I am particularly concerned because I know that her mom is going out of town for over a week, leaving her in the care of her 21 yo sister, who doesn't have the best track record in the responsibility department. I'm not even sure how much the 21 yo will be home.

Luckily, DSD's sister is scheduled to spend the first weekend that her mom is gone with us, so maybe I can feel her out as to what she has planned for the week.

I think that I am going to try to convince DH that we should have this young man over for dinner. I've thought that we should for a while, but we were waiting to see if things fizzled out. Obviously they haven't, so it is probably a good idea to get to know the boy.

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Old 04-07-2009, 02:58 PM
 
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I don't know what I'd think about the making out (esp. as "making out" is such a vague term, and means different things to different people). It's a really bad idea to have those pics on the internet, though. (Okay - will admit I wonder sometimes if it's as bad as we - older people - think. Times will change, and maybe 15-20 years from now, when there are more adolescent mistakes available online than not, it won't be a big deal?)

As for whether it was going on when I was a kid...I'm 40. There were definitely kids in my 7th grade class who were making out, and a couple in 6th grade. I wasn't...but not because I didn't want to. I just never figured out how to get a boy's attention.

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Old 04-08-2009, 01:04 AM
 
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...Okay - will admit I wonder sometimes if it's as bad as we - older people - think. Times will change, and maybe 15-20 years from now, when there are more adolescent mistakes available online than not, it won't be a big deal?....
I have to go with it's a really bad idea. I'm in education & teachers have lost their jobs because of what is on their facebook, myspace, etc. page (including sexually explicit, drinking & drug use statements & photos). Also it's not only what's on your own page, but what others post about you. Employers are googling to see what pops up on a potential employees name & if denying employment. I've heard that even some colleges are looking at whats on the internet before extending acceptance.

Teenage judgment in general isn't great - say a girl flashes a boy, it's funny, it's done, but now he shoots a photo of this & can send it out to everyone else's phones, post it on the internet, whatever he wants. Even look at Michael Phelps using a bong - definitely wasn't something he wanted plastered all over the tabloids, but there it was.
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Old 04-08-2009, 04:55 PM
 
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I have to go with it's a really bad idea. I'm in education & teachers have lost their jobs because of what is on their facebook, myspace, etc. page (including sexually explicit, drinking & drug use statements & photos). Also it's not only what's on your own page, but what others post about you. Employers are googling to see what pops up on a potential employees name & if denying employment. I've heard that even some colleges are looking at whats on the internet before extending acceptance.

Teenage judgment in general isn't great - say a girl flashes a boy, it's funny, it's done, but now he shoots a photo of this & can send it out to everyone else's phones, post it on the internet, whatever he wants. Even look at Michael Phelps using a bong - definitely wasn't something he wanted plastered all over the tabloids, but there it was.
I know all that, and I'd be careful, myself, and advise my kids to be careful. My point is, though - we don't know what the future will be like. Society has changed a lot, because of the net, but the changes are still in their infancy. It's entirely possible that when the current crop of teens are adults, the contents of their adolescent facebook pages, even though they're still accessible, won't be held against them the way things are now.

There was a time when a teacher could lose their job for things that nobody would bat an eyelash at now. There was a time when any divorcee was assumed to be a wild nymphomaniac. Cultural mores change, and the ones around the net change faster than anything I've ever seen. I'm not saying I think it's a great idea to let this stuff get out on the net (I've actually posted stuff - years ago - that I hope never resurfaces, but it's not this kind of thing). I'm just saying that we really don't know what the ultimate impact will actually be.

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Old 04-09-2009, 12:41 AM
 
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i think its the Norm i was making out with boys around that age but didnt end up having sex till well into my senior year of highschool with a long term boyfriend, i also have a younger brother who is 15 and the stuff i hear and see from him an kids younger then him is appalling it seems like someone needs to have a sex talk with her at least
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Old 04-09-2009, 04:38 AM
 
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She is one of my friends on facebook, and this weekend her profile picture was of her and the boyfriend making out. : At 12, I was definitely not making out with boys, but maybe I was not the norm? Or maybe times have changed? twelve just seems so young, and making out seems so close to actually DTD.

But bottom line is that she is only 12! Is this normal 12 yo behavior these days and I am just getting old and crotchety? Or is this girl getting in over her head?
12 years old is 7th grade. Yes, 7th graders make out. We did then and they still do now. Times have changed, but even if they hadn't - junior high kids kissing is not scandalous IMO. And it is NOWHERE near DTD; I don't understand that at all.

There is no way to know if she is in over her head without meeting the boy and getting more information from observing them together and talking to her in a casual way. So I like your idea of having him over for dinner.
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Old 04-10-2009, 02:46 AM
 
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My 9yo has a boyfriend she kisses, so I would certainly find a 12yo doing the same to be very normal. I would also find the age difference to be fairly normal, as girls generally mature faster than boys. I agree with 'making out' being an extremely vague term. I've heard it used to mean anything from kissing to oral sex. Assuming the 'making out' is just kissing and maybe necking, I would doubt that the girl is in over her head, and I also doubt that pictures of kissing posted online are going to be a problem. If I had a facebook page, I'd probably post some pictures of myself kissing my partners, lol. I can't believe anyone would consider that to be scandalous.

But someone should definitely talk to this girl about sex! The amount of misconceptions about sex in that age group are truly mind-boggling. You definitely don't want her learning about it from her misinformed peers!

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Old 04-10-2009, 06:47 PM
 
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as long as thats it, i dont see a huge problem..posting it could be an issue, especially if there are other adults who can see that think thats a neglect issue.

i did a lot of kissing of a bf i was with at 12/13. didnt do anything more with him, but a LOT of kissing
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Old 04-16-2009, 01:12 AM
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Yikes. I'm going to be the voice of dissent and say this is not normal.

Wow. My son is 15. My dd is 13 and my youngest son will be 12 in July.

This isn't normal. I have lunch with a group of close friends every week and none of their kids are acting out like this.

You know - kids at 12 still need to be supervised. Why is this girl unsupervised to the point where a boyfriend can hang out, make out and then take pictures.

Yikes.

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Old 04-16-2009, 01:37 AM
 
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My 9yo has a boyfriend she kisses, so I would certainly find a 12yo doing the same to be very normal. I would also find the age difference to be fairly normal, as girls generally mature faster than boys. I agree with 'making out' being an extremely vague term. I've heard it used to mean anything from kissing to oral sex. Assuming the 'making out' is just kissing and maybe necking, I would doubt that the girl is in over her head, and I also doubt that pictures of kissing posted online are going to be a problem. If I had a facebook page, I'd probably post some pictures of myself kissing my partners, lol. I can't believe anyone would consider that to be scandalous.

But someone should definitely talk to this girl about sex! The amount of misconceptions about sex in that age group are truly mind-boggling. You definitely don't want her learning about it from her misinformed peers!
as i was going to ask when you say your 9 year old kisses her boyfriend is it a peck on the cheek or the lips or what? i found myself interrupting my own question with wait what a NINE year old with a boyfriend? come again?

no offense to you at all, mama, i'm just astonished at kids right now. i was a kid once too and not even that long ago but my goodness things have changed. so much. i think we're doing our children a huge disservice by allowing boyfriends and girlfriends at such tender ages. my ds is stilla baby, yes, and i have no experience with these situations yet and i honestly do not know how i will handle the first girlfriend. but i do know he will not have one until he is at least a teen, and hopefully a mid-teen, like 15 or 16 hopefully.

sheesh. back to the op. no you are not a fuddy duddy. that picture would blow my mind and i would have to hold back saying something to her about it. you should by all means make sure something is said by someone asap because even if you take the making out picture out of the situation, she's still posting her pictures online and thats a huge nono. it's dangerous and will only lead to other things she could do online and trouble she could get herself into and wrong people she could attract.
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Old 04-16-2009, 10:07 AM
 
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When I was 12, the only girls in my class who were regularly making out were girls who hardly had any supervision (it was a SMALL class, so we knew everyone's business). I don't know if a 12 year old has the logic or skills to know where to draw the line. What IS different now is that, as somone else has said, oral sex seems to be part of making out, and it's only a one way street, if you know what I mean. And posting the pictures really gives me the creeps.

I don't know that there's anything you could do about it, but if I found pictures of my twelve year old "making out" with her boyfriend, she would not be getting alone time with her boyfriend anymore.
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Old 04-18-2009, 12:02 PM
 
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Yikes. I'm going to be the voice of dissent and say this is not normal.

Wow. My son is 15. My dd is 13 and my youngest son will be 12 in July.

This isn't normal. I have lunch with a group of close friends every week and none of their kids are acting out like this.

You know - kids at 12 still need to be supervised. Why is this girl unsupervised to the point where a boyfriend can hang out, make out and then take pictures.

Yikes.
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Old 04-18-2009, 03:04 PM
 
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I have to tell you that making out at 12 tells me one thing . . . the kid isn't being well supervised. Please, do this mother a favor and let her know what is going on with her daughter. It takes a villiage, right? Since we can't all be there all the time, we have to watch out for eachother's kiddos.

And I would for sure offer to take dsd's sister while mom went out of town so that she isn't left at home with her 21 yo sister. What a terrible idea!

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Old 04-19-2009, 02:36 PM
 
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I was definitely "making out" with boys at that age. (And remained a virgin until after I was out of high school). But is seems a lot more innocent than what I think they are doing now.
I agree. When I was 12 just finding a place to meet up in the hallway at school and exchange a kiss was a big deal for me. I didn't even think about sex or letting a boy touch me until I was 15. So old. lol. Ofcourse though, I did know of people (or heard through others at the time) that they were doing more touching and heavy kissing when I was in middle school. I just chose not to do that type of thing. So I'm sure a lot of it depends on the child too.

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Old 04-19-2009, 02:38 PM
 
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I have to tell you that making out at 12 tells me one thing . . . the kid isn't being well supervised. Please, do this mother a favor and let her know what is going on with her daughter. It takes a villiage, right? Since we can't all be there all the time, we have to watch out for eachother's kiddos.
I agree. My child hangs out with a preacher's child that I know of and they are opposite sex (ages 12 and 14) and they tend to hang out in the other child's bedroom a lot when we go to the church for activities (it's next door to their home). I trusted the kids up until I read this thread. My child is homeschooled and I wouldn't think they'd do anything wrong but you just never know do you.

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Old 04-19-2009, 07:44 PM
 
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I have to tell you that making out at 12 tells me one thing . . . the kid isn't being well supervised.
Kids used to make out at recess when I was in 7th grade. In order to prevent making out through supervision, kids would have to be fully supervised literally 24/7, which is almost impossible for that age group, ime. At a few years older (15), I'd go out with my sister and friend, split from them, meet the guy I was seeing, spend some time with him, then hook back up with my sister and friend, find out what they'd been doing during our bus ride home, and pretend I'd been with them all along. That was easy, even then - would be a piece of cake with cellphones and such.

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Old 04-20-2009, 02:02 PM
 
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To the OP, I would let your dsd know that this is a bad idea, and I wouldn't bother to say 'in my opinion'. Just gently tell her that posting pictures of her making out with her boyfriend on the net is a bad idea.

Depending on her personality, she may or may not blow you off and think that you are an old fuddy duddy. She may, however, appreciate that you care enough to object, that you're more interested in her safety, and that you don't care whether she thinks you are a stick in the mud. IMO she can have both feelings about you at the same time.

I know my 14 y.o. certainly thinks the same thing of me. She thinks I'm old fashioned and don't know what's up anymore, but she knows I also care very much for her and her integrity.

I love the idea of inviting the boy over. I would have the dsd over as much as you can, as well. Leaving her for a week with a 21 y.o. who doesn't have a great reputation for responsibility sounds like a lousy idea.

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Old 04-20-2009, 02:17 PM
 
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I think it is more common for 12 year old girls than 12 year old boys. I also think that is why your neice is dating at 14 year old. He might be older but they are on the same maturity level.

I think you should say something to her about the photoes, because they are permant. Maybe some links to people that have been burnt by internet and cell phone photoes.

She might appriciate it more later.
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Old 04-21-2009, 11:00 AM
 
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Yikes. I'm going to be the voice of dissent and say this is not normal.

Wow. My son is 15. My dd is 13 and my youngest son will be 12 in July.

This isn't normal. I have lunch with a group of close friends every week and none of their kids are acting out like this.

You know - kids at 12 still need to be supervised. Why is this girl unsupervised to the point where a boyfriend can hang out, make out and then take pictures.

Yikes.
:

You're no fuddy-duddy. I have a 17yo, 13yo, 9yo and 5yo. I'm around a lot of teens and preteens and have never seen what you're describing. Maybe it's 'cause we homeschool, I dunno, but most 12yo's I know are still acting like kids.
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