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#61 of 71 Old 07-06-2009, 07:06 PM
 
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I certainly hope all of your dreams for your teenagers come true - that they'll never lie, they'll never betray you, they won't ever sneak behind your back to do anything, that they'll always be open and honest and discuss everything up front; they'll be aware of your wishes and follow them to a "t". You've raised them to be thoughtful honest human beings and they would never dare do something you wouldn't agree with. They're smart. They won't succomb to peer pressure. They won't ever do something dear ol' mama would be unhappy with.


No offense, but everyone needs to click their heels together. Teenagers can be wonderful people. I have a great relationship with mine. But I'm not naive. I am certain there are things he does that I would not approve of. But I will not lock him in the house or hover over him to be sure.

If my mother followed me everywhere, I would've not only started smoking, I probably would've rebeled ten times worse just because she was there to "ensure I didn't".

You can only raise them to the best of your ability and hope they make the right decisions. Beyond that, they are their own people and will do what they want. You can tell them not to smoke in the house, or not to bring it there, or whatever - but you cannot be everywhere.

Smoking isn't the end of the world. Millions try it and stop. Millions don't. It is what it is. But it's certainly not a gateway, it's certainly not a snub to the parent that asks their child not to. I don't smoke, I hope my kids don't, but if they do, it wasn't because of my teachings or my parenting. I can just hope they stop.

Good luck.

SANDRA, 41 year old VERY laid-back mama to VERY free range kids Brett (16), Justus (11), Autumn (4), and Ayla (1)... four perfect NCB's! :::
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#62 of 71 Old 07-06-2009, 07:13 PM
 
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I understand not wanting your child to smoke .. We are after all their protectors... we as parents want to do everything to keep them healthy and alive. The difference with me is that I feel I can better protect my children if they are honest with me. And I feel they are more apt to be honest with me if I do not judge their actions. They both know how I feel about it and they both have to make choices about their own lives

I seriously do appreciate the passion that those of you have shared about doing anything possible to keep your child from smoking. My view is that if I behaved that way with my child it would only serve to distance them from me and create deception and alienation. How can I protect them if they are hiding their actions from me?

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#63 of 71 Old 07-06-2009, 07:19 PM
 
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You don't think your children could figure out a way to do it behind your back? I just don't think this would work logically. It seems like a false sense of control on your part, but does NOTHING to solve the problem.



Well, I don't think there are parents out there that encourage smoking and drugs.
I understand everyone has different ways of dealing with things and I am OK with that.

If they are never away from me then it would be extremely difficult to find a way I would think though of course not impossible since nothing is impossible.

It would not have damaged my trust in my parents had they did that to me. I guess I was not your avg teen though. My friends where so different from me. Yes I would have been a bit angry but not trust them, no way.

I am confused as I dont see how I implied that there where parents out there that would encourage smoking or drugs : what I said was I felt strongly enough about it to go above and beyond to prevent it.

I am in no way naive enough to think I can control every thing they do that would be really odd thinking but there are some things I can and will control.

 
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#64 of 71 Old 07-06-2009, 07:19 PM
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Then there really is not a point to even mentioning it. Correlation does not equal causation.
And yet it's worth investigating the correlation.

If I can keep my child away from cigarettes, then I can also keep my child away from harder drugs.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#65 of 71 Old 07-06-2009, 07:27 PM
 
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And yet it's worth investigating the correlation.

If I can keep my child away from cigarettes, then I can also keep my child away from harder drugs.
Well, why don't you research reasons why people turn to harder drugs instead of making baseless assumptions? This is where people make mistakes when they jump to their own conclusions. And I highly doubt every meth user ever has smoked cigarettes.

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I understand everyone has different ways of dealing with things and I am OK with that.

If they are never away from me then it would be extremely difficult to find a way I would think though of course not impossible since nothing is impossible.

It would not have damaged my trust in my parents had they did that to me. I guess I was not your avg teen though. My friends where so different from me. Yes I would have been a bit angry but not trust them, no way.
Well, I strongly disliked my parents. I started smoking when I was 11, and it made it all the more sweeter knowing my father hated it.

However, it does sound like you have a good relationship with your children. Your flawed solution to the smoking problem would probably never come into effect.

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I am confused as I dont see how I implied that there where parents out there that would incourage smoking or drugs : what I said was I felt strongly enough about it to go above and beyond to prevent it.
No, but the way you put it was just funny to me. I think most parents would take drug use seriously.

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#66 of 71 Old 07-07-2009, 10:00 AM
 
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I doubt I would ever forgive one of my parents for such a gross invasion of privacy.
I do not think this holds true for everyone - at all. Knowing what I know now, I would be thanking my parents for doing their best to help me not start smoking.


For a child 15 and under I would do my best to get them to break the habit. That would include being grounded for about a month and I would curb any sources of income they had. Hopefully that would rid their system of nicotine and it would end there. If I tried numerous ways to get them to quit and none worked, I would eventually let it go. I will at least have done my part and sent the strong message that smoking is not OK, and I will have probably reduced the amount they actually smoked if only by making it inconvenient. Grounding a kid for a month or two while they sort thing out? Fine. Grounding a kid for 2 or 3 years until they reach the age of majority would probably do more harm than good.

I would not ever allow smoking in the house and I would not pay for or shop with their money for cigarettes.

None of this is a secret to my kids. They know if they start smoking, I will do what I can to stop them.


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My parents were ridiculously strict, yet I still managed to get into trouble a lot.
I wonder if this is where some of the laissez faire attitude to smoking is coming in? Your parents were strict and you rebelled?

The truth is, I am not strict. I am quite laissez-faire in most regards. I think there is a real difference in being strict across the board and being strict on a few, important issues. I think kids know that - I doubt being strict on a few non-negotiables is going to push someone into trouble who wasn't headed there anyways.

Here is my take. As kids age we slowly let them make their own decisions. Things that concern safety are the last we let go of. These include things like drinking, driving and smoking.
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#67 of 71 Old 07-07-2009, 01:34 PM
 
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Erm, no. I think you have misunderstood me. Of course I would take drug use seriously. But following my kids around all day would make the problem worse. There has to be a better solution. And I am not hands off--- I don't know where you got that idea.

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#68 of 71 Old 07-07-2009, 02:03 PM
 
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Erm, no. I think you have misunderstood me. Of course I would take drug use seriously. But following my kids around all day would make the problem worse. There has to be a better solution. And I am not hands off--- I don't know where you got that idea.
May I ask, in all seriousness, what you would do then?
-------------

This thread has become quite polarised - or that is how I am reading it. On one side we have those who would pull out all the stops to prevent smoking -and on the other we have those who will talk about smoking and support quitting, but that is about it. There must be some middle ground and I am curious as to what the research says.
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#69 of 71 Old 07-07-2009, 05:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow! I was really surprised to find this had generated so many replies. I had totally forgotten about it!!


I can't recall what I wrote at first, but it was a description of how I figured it out in the first place and it was long and tedious and not really all that important. So that's why I came back later and just kinda said, "Eh, nevermind... my kids smokes, that's it. "

So, first of all, HE doesn't buy them, he gets them off his friends that smoke. And if you think there is only one or two kids out there in your community that smoke and if you have any illusions of keeping your kid away from them then good luck with that. You'd be surprised!! Very surprised to know what these kids are up to. If smoking is the worse thing my kids does (and I'm sure it isn't) then I count myself lucky!!

Secondly, he knows I know, he knows I hate it, and I do not allow him to do it at the house. When he smells of it, I make him get out of my presence and go take a shower and I make a BIG dramatic wailing fuss about it. He isn't allowed to come around his younger siblings when he smells that nasty either until he cleans up.

Thirdly... I regret to inform some of you that age 15 is not anything like age 5 or even 10. Being a "good parent" means different things at different ages. At age 2, it is appropriate to follow your child around every where. At age 15, it is not. And trust me, you are not going to WANT to be around your 15 year old that much!!!! But I can't even begin to imagine all the developmental damage that would done to a 15 year that was never out from under parental observation.

Anyway, simply put, there are far worse things to worry about right now. I still don't like the smoking, but I also know how to pick my battles and not alienate my child, and still manage to go to school full time and take care of a family of four as a single mom, and I think I'm doing a wonderful job!
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#70 of 71 Old 07-07-2009, 08:09 PM
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I still don't like the smoking, but I also know how to pick my battles and not alienate my child, and still manage to go to school full time and take care of a family of four as a single mom, and I think I'm doing a wonderful job!
I'm sure you are a wonderful mom. But please keep in mind that the neuro-pathways will get more entrenched with each passing year of his smoking, and he might end up like my dh, simply unable to quit at age 43.

So, if I were you, I'd ask him if he'd like your help in quitting. If yes, then help him.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#71 of 71 Old 07-07-2009, 08:52 PM
 
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Anyway, simply put, there are far worse things to worry about right now. I still don't like the smoking, but I also know how to pick my battles and not alienate my child, and still manage to go to school full time and take care of a family of four as a single mom, and I think I'm doing a wonderful job!


I bet you are!

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