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Old 06-10-2009, 08:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, man .. Ok this is probably not really the place for this, but I don’t know where to put it. She is pregnant again… my dd. She is 20 now. She got pregnant when she was 16 and now her ds is 3 ½ . She is doing well, as a mother, but is still lagging in many areas and certainly not “taking care of herself” yet. DH and I support them completely financially and we care for our grandson a lot of the time. I don’t mind this arrangement but I don’t think she is ready for another child. I was so hoping she would finish school and start doing something to start becoming self sufficient. She needs to know that she can take care of herself and her child; she needs that for her self esteem. She can barley handle her son all day how is she going to be with 2? Sigh … I am rambling, I am sorry I am just so worried... Now what?

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Old 06-10-2009, 09:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ah, somebody say something “holy cr@p” or “it’s her life” or something

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Old 06-10-2009, 09:55 PM
 
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All I can send are hugs. I got pregnant with my first at 16, and was lucky enough to have parents who helped me out until I got my stuff together at 19. So there is hope!

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Old 06-10-2009, 09:59 PM
 
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Oh Cherie...

Hugs, just hugs.
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Old 06-10-2009, 09:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks, how many kids do you have? how long before you got pregers again? I just thought that it would be the two of them for a while ... until she was at least on her feet ya know?

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Old 06-10-2009, 10:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh Cherie...

Hugs, just hugs.
thanks at least this time its not with Him ... who knows if this one is any better though???

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Old 06-10-2009, 10:02 PM
 
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"Holy crap" and "it's her life".

It is also a blessing - albeit a stressful one.

Congrats to both of you and wishing you both strength, wisdom and peace.

Kathy
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Old 06-10-2009, 10:03 PM
 
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she's lucky to have you. not everybody would do what you do for her and not everybody would keep doing it when she got pg again. i know this can't be easy. if it were my kid i would want to clobber her. and then make sure she was using some kind of birth control. how does she feel about it? she better get you good mothers day presents

i know if i got pg again my mom would clobber me. although according to my little brother she told him she thinks its only a matter of time. i would flee the country before telling her i was pg again

it really will be ok. but you already know that so how did she tell you? my dad says he will never feel the same way about red robin b/c thats where we were eating when i told him
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Old 06-10-2009, 10:08 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not reply. What a rough situation. I think it would be entirely appropriate for you to set some rules in return for your continued support. One being that she continue her education (online if need be), and that she seeks counsiling to help her deal with self esteem issues. A good therapist can help her create a life plan that works and feels acheivible to her.

What a wonderful parent you are for standing by her and supporting her though this.

There is a crack in everything...that's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen~
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Old 06-10-2009, 10:14 PM
 
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Holy Crap!LOL

It's her life, let her live it...but don't enable her. She's taking advantage of you at this point, getting pregnant again. When you're not supporting yourself, how can you justify getting pregnant again without even consulting the person supporting you and your child? Did she mention trying for another one? You really need to let her "live her life" and let her feel her decisions.

One child, I can see helping my daughter get herself together and help out...the 2nd one?....ok, now you're just using me.

Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

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Old 06-10-2009, 10:18 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not reply. What a rough situation. I think it would be entirely appropriate for you to set some rules in return for your continued support. One being that she continue her education (online if need be), and that she seeks counsiling to help her deal with self esteem issues. A good therapist can help her create a life plan that works and feels acheivible to her.

What a wonderful parent you are for standing by her and supporting her though this.
:

She needs to step up and be a parent. I wonder a little that maybe because you have been taking care of so much for her she has no reason to be the adult she is.

When I got pregnant at 17 my mom offered her limited support but made it clear that I was the Mama and I needed to act like it. I am very grateful for her support but also because she pushed me and my boyfriend (now DH) to grow up and take responsibility.

Where is the father, of both the older child and this one? Is she getting child support?
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Old 06-10-2009, 10:37 PM
 
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o i just read that it was with another guy. well.. like you said.. at least its not the same guy. hopefully this one is better.

i might consider setting some ground rules. she understands what it means to be a mother and she is pg again. i would assume that she is prepared to take responsibility for her decisions. including financial responsibility for the baby and for any non necessity for herself (friends time and such.)
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Old 06-10-2009, 10:45 PM
 
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i agree that she is now taking advantage. obviously you aren't going to kick her out on her a$$ but i would start expecting her to support herself and the littles. she needs to take responsibility for her choices.

these are the things to immediately come to mind

is she going to BF? if not she should buy the formula herself.
is she going to school and doing well? if not she needs to get a job.. she might want to get one anyway
she should be paying for any social activities she does.
she should also be another adult in the household. do her own and her kids' laundry. help with house work etc. i might make her pay rent if it were me.. not a lot . but something.
i imagine you or your dh watch the littles while she does school or work but i would consider charging her for babysitting anytime she wants to go out with friends or something.

obviously just suggestions some may work for you guys and some may not.. but i wanted to give some examples instead of just saying she should be responsible.

o and more

tell her to get on here and post... we give great advice
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Old 06-10-2009, 10:52 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not reply! My thoughts are with your family!
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Old 06-10-2009, 11:00 PM
 
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First time accident - but second time?? I'd be mad and heartbroken.

Was she using birth control?

Is she in school or working or both?

Is the baby's father going to be involved and pay child support? Are they together?

I'm sorry you are in this situation...
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Old 06-10-2009, 11:02 PM
 
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i would encourage her (or possibly require her) to pursue child support.
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Old 06-10-2009, 11:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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oh lots of questions this is going to be a little harder now that im home and posting from my phone...
thanks kathy, its a little hard just yet to take in the blessing but i know its there.

she told me last night by saying she needed a dr appointment.. she said "not that kind" and pointed to her belly. i tried not to over react but asked her if she planned to keep it and she smiled and nodded yes. i am not sure what all she is feeling about it we have not had a chance to talk about it today yet, she doesn't want to tell anybody yet.

her body was not doing well on the bc she was taking so she had stopped, but she wasn't having sex (obviously she started having some but what the hell ever happend to condoms??)

i do feel like she is starting to take advantage but i don't think she is really aware. she does work in the house and takes care of her and ds laundry and such, but we are drowning financially and don't know how we are going to handle this.
to be continued...

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DGS born 2005
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Old 06-10-2009, 11:35 PM
 
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more i think it is reasonable to expect her to work and contribute financially. it will still cost her less then if she is out on her own so its a good way for her to get started.
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Old 06-11-2009, 12:08 AM
 
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Is she on your health insurance since she's still a student?

I would be freaking out too if it were my dd. (hugs)

I think this is pretty common though once a teenage mom, girls do tend to have a second baby. I was reading People magazine the other day (Yeah I know not exactly scholarly reviewed, lol, but it was the Bristol Palin one and it said about the rarity that it is that girls complete high school once they've been pregnant and even fewer (like less than 5%) get a bachelors degree by the time they are 30.

Had my first dd at 18 and the 2nd 2 years later but it was just dh and I. We didn't expect my mom to help out. I did complete school though...my dad insisted. He didn't really help--he was a huge nag is all. LOL.

I really hope you will do what you can to help her get some training or education to support her self and kids. Maybe her doc can suggest some other forms of bc since she didn't tolerate it well.
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Old 06-11-2009, 12:11 AM
 
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she might look into nuva ring. it is local hormones and you don't have to take it daily.. just put it in leave it for 3 weeks and take it out. then put a new one in at the end of the week... repeat.

i know IUDs have their downsides but i think you can get one that doesn't have hormones. it seems like it would be reasonable to assume she is having sex or going to have sex.
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Old 06-11-2009, 01:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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so as far as the dads go her sons dad proved to be incredibly irresponsible and has gone to live with his mother 100 miles away. she went there with him to try to make it work but returned a couple months ago. he or his family have not even called since she's been back. this new guy i am not super crazy about either, no job, also quite immature. oh and he was the first guys best friend... nice huh? so yea no support financially.. yet anyway.

these two have just been sort of "seeing" each other so no i doubt she was trying to get pregnant.

she does want to get a job but has had a hard time finding one with no experience and no ged. recently she started working on getting her ged but has not followed up with the workshops. she wants to go to massage school.

in the past i have gone a little easy on her because she has come close to major mental/emotional meltdown and i worry about her stability. less now though that the other guy is out of her life. she hasn't had a meltdown since he left.

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Old 06-11-2009, 02:04 AM
 
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to you.

~e, wife to my sweet T , mama to my turtleman (12) , sunshine (9 ), and monkey (6)
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Old 06-11-2009, 02:09 AM
 
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oy. poor thing. it sounds like she is having a hard time. and maybe some space from the not quite men in her life. it was good of her to go there and try to make it work though. i imagine you gritted your teeth through the whole thing. DP and I are in love and happy and a family and it took my mother a long time to be ok with that. if DP was immature, uninvolved, and made me unhappy she would be having a nervous break down right about now.

she'll be ok... some of us just take a little longer to get it together
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Old 06-11-2009, 02:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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you don't even know, it was sooooooo hard. but i think she really needed some time in the snake pit so to speak to see that was not the life she wanted for herself or her son. i can't tell you how many times dh and i almost went and grabbed that baby.

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Old 06-11-2009, 02:35 AM
 
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ugh it must have been hard not to. the only thing worse then knowing your baby is with people who are not good for her is knowing that she is there with her baby. my mother now worries in several different dimensions... its really quite extraordinary. i can appreciate it more now that i am a mom though.

hopefully spending that time with his family will give her an idea of what she doesn't want in life. does he know about the second baby? when you said they were best friends i cringed b/c they could make her life very hard. it makes me want to hug her.. she must be going through a lot right now. i really feel for her. its just a rough situation.
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Old 06-11-2009, 11:59 AM
 
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You've already gotten a lot of good advice.

You might want to talk to her about her birth contol choices, her choices in men and what kind of life she wants for herself and her babies who are depending on her.

Fun and games time is over. She will have two little ones depending on her and her judgement.

I don't mean to sound harsh.

She has little people she is responsible for now, though.

I really don't mean to sound harsh.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato
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Old 06-11-2009, 01:10 PM
 
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to you. I can only imagine how tough this is for you. This is your DD and you want the best for her. You also sound like a wonderful grandmother as well. Your DD is lucky to have someone like you in her life.

OTOH, she is 20 years old and and adult, so you probably need to loosen the reigns a bit. I bet your DD isn't paying for daycare, an apartment, bills and a car is she? If she isn't truly taking care of herself then she doesn't have the reality of it all yet. If you do too much 'for' her and her 3 yr old child, then it makes it much easier for her to expect you to do it for this child as well. When will she ever learn? She will never learn true responsibility without getting out there on her own and making mistakes and doing it all by herself. She has responsibilities and needs to work hard to care for these children by herself as much as possible.

I don't mean to sound down on you and I'm really not trying to be. I think you sound like a great person. You are so concerned. I have 3 neices that all had their first children very young and aren't married. One of those neices is currently expecting her second child around the same time as I expect my baby to arrive this year. She is with a different guy, he treats her like crap and will likely leave her. He has kids with 3 other women. She is already 26 years old so she knows better at this point BUT her parents and grandparents do everything for her and don't push her out there to take care of herself and her current child so she doens't know any better.

Is it possible for you to discuss a type of birth control for your DD once she has this second child?

Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
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Old 06-11-2009, 02:21 PM
 
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I just wanted to say that I think my mother could've written your OP about me 11 yrs ago. I will share my story and hope it gives you some advice on what to do and hope that it will get better.

I became pregnant at 17yo (I am 29yo now), boyfriend left, ordered child support, but he has never paid (can't keep a job). Lived with my mom, dropped out of school. My mom said I had to get my GED and start college (or some sort of avenue to support myself and my son) if I wanted to live with her. She was absolutely IN LOVE with my son, but played tough love with me. Refused to change diapers, or baby-sit while I went out... It was my son and that was that. She played and loved on him when we were home.

I was very hung up on how I had ruined my son's and my life and thought I HAD to FIX it. So, when ds was 14mo I met a man who seemed nice and decided he was my way out. He was the way I could make all things better. My mom told me she didn't think he was "the one," but I refused to listen. He had his own apt and was almost 10yo older than I. I quickly moved in with him and played house. I wanted to show my mom that I was "responsible."

Well, about 4mths later.......ooops pregnant again. I was 19yo. Seriously, I was just too young, irresponsible, and lazy to handle birth control. I never took it regularly and thought it wouldn't happen again, right? Needless to say, telling my mom I was pregnant again was horrible. She couldn't believe I'd scew up twice. Like a pp said. First time. …accident. Second time....you should know better. Well, whatever the learning curve was for me it had happened and there I was.

About a week before I found out I was pregnant with ds#2, I had decided to brake up with my bf. I knew he wasn't "the one" (just like my mama said.) Then, I found out I was pregnant and just could not go back home with two babies from two different men. So, I decided to get married and fix my mistake. I was 3mths pregnant and we got married. Two weeks later, I woke up to him urinating in the corner of our bedroom (he was an alcoholic) and left to return humbly to my mama's house. I knew marrying him was NOT the way to fix everything. We divorced. He never saw or wanted our pregnancy/baby. I am pro-life, but abortion ran through my mind. The option of adoption was there the entire pregnancy. I just wanted to run and hide out of embarrassment because I had done this now twice. My mom was so disappointed in me, but loved me through it. All along she continued to encourage me to stay in college even if it was one class at a time.

At about 6mths pregnant I rededicated my life to the Lord and realized I sucked at choosing men and accepted being a single mom until God brought the right man to me, whenever that may be. I chose to not date.

Three years later and still in college, I met an amazing man. I told him from the get go that I was not having sex until I was married. He thought that was funny since I already had 2 kids (he's a riot). I knew that he was "the one" from the moment we met. He loved the Lord, me, and just was natural with my boys. We got married 6months later. Waiting to have sex on my wedding night, with the man that I love, was the most incredible thing I have ever done. We have been happily married for almost 8yrs now and I sometimes still can't believe that it all came together the way it did. At times it had seemed so gloomy. He adopted my sons and we now are pregnant with our third baby. So, all together we'll have 5! I did graduate from college.with my BS in ECE after struggling though for 6 years along with my mama's foot in my buttocks non-stop.

Neither of my son's biological father's have ever been active in there lives. I am grateful for that because it has aloud us to be a family. My son's know my history. We are a very open family and talk about everything. It is what it is and there's no hiding it. I truly hope that they will learn from it and make better choices than I did.

As for my mom, her tough love was the key. She never took over parenting for me. I am sure she wanted to rescue my son from my choices, especially when I moved in with the second guy. She didn't. I know it was hard to watch me struggle and fail, but I think I needed to do that in order to find my way. She couldn't hold my hand. She aloud me to live in her home, but under very strict rules (that I hated at the time). Some of her rules were: in-college full time (if I wasn't working), I had to find my own childcare (she did help pay along with student loans), but it was my responsibility to care for my sons in all aspects. She never changed a diaper or got up in the middle of the night. She simply provided me food, shelter, and love so that I had the opportunity to stop digging and climb the ladder to success.

I know you are heart broken and probably feel like you have failed yourself. (My mom told me years later that was how she felt.) I would give your dd guidance and rules that will help her be successful if she chooses to live in your home. I would not enable her to continue making bad choices. Love her, pray for her, and know that it will all work out.

My sons are 11 and 9 now and they are truly the best things that have ever happened to me. They changed my life.

Hope my story helps you.

Jesus-loving, helpmate to Billy and Unschooling mama to a six and one on the way!
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Old 06-11-2009, 02:46 PM
 
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Ugh. So hard.

Where is that line between helping and enabling?
Between support and sending the message that she needs help and can't do it on her own.

My own are to young for this particular problem but I am sending vibes of strength your way. It is an added difficulty that her decisions affect small children, not just herself.

You don’t owe them an explanation, just a response.
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Old 06-11-2009, 02:56 PM
 
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I just have to pipe in here. I've gotten pregnant on two different pills, the nuva ring, and a condom. I did everything right. Took them at the same time, with no adverse meds, with the same breakfast everyday. It's not normal, and maybe isn't what happened here, but it happened to me.

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