I just wanted to say that I think my mother could've written your OP about me 11 yrs ago. I will share my story and hope it gives you some advice on what to do and hope that it will get better.
I became pregnant at 17yo (I am 29yo now), boyfriend left, ordered child support, but he has never paid (can't keep a job). Lived with my mom, dropped out of school. My mom said I had to get my GED and start college (or some sort of avenue to support myself and my son) if I wanted to live with her. She was absolutely IN LOVE with my son, but played tough love with me. Refused to change diapers, or baby-sit while I went out... It was my son and that was that. She played and loved on him when we were home.
I was very hung up on how I had ruined my son's and my life and thought I HAD to FIX it. So, when ds was 14mo I met a man who seemed nice and decided he was my way out. He was the way I could make all things better. My mom told me she didn't think he was "the one," but I refused to listen. He had his own apt and was almost 10yo older than I. I quickly moved in with him and played house. I wanted to show my mom that I was "responsible."
Well, about 4mths later.......ooops pregnant again. I was 19yo. Seriously, I was just too young, irresponsible, and lazy to handle birth control. I never took it regularly and thought it wouldn't happen again, right? Needless to say, telling my mom I was pregnant again was horrible. She couldn't believe I'd scew up twice. Like a pp said. First time. …accident. Second time....you should know better. Well, whatever the learning curve was for me it had happened and there I was.
About a week before I found out I was pregnant with ds#2, I had decided to brake up with my bf. I knew he wasn't "the one" (just like my mama said.) Then, I found out I was pregnant and just could not go back home with two babies from two different men. So, I decided to get married and fix my mistake. I was 3mths pregnant and we got married. Two weeks later, I woke up to him urinating in the corner of our bedroom (he was an alcoholic) and left to return humbly to my mama's house. I knew marrying him was NOT the way to fix everything. We divorced. He never saw or wanted our pregnancy/baby. I am pro-life, but abortion ran through my mind. The option of adoption was there the entire pregnancy. I just wanted to run and hide out of embarrassment because I had done this now twice. My mom was so disappointed in me, but loved me through it. All along she continued to encourage me to stay in college even if it was one class at a time.
At about 6mths pregnant I rededicated my life to the Lord and realized I sucked at choosing men and accepted being a single mom until God brought the right man to me, whenever that may be. I chose to not date.
Three years later and still in college, I met an amazing man. I told him from the get go that I was not having sex until I was married. He thought that was funny since I already had 2 kids (he's a riot). I knew that he was "the one" from the moment we met. He loved the Lord, me, and just was natural with my boys. We got married 6months later. Waiting to have sex on my wedding night, with the man that I love, was the most incredible thing I have ever done. We have been happily married for almost 8yrs now and I sometimes still can't believe that it all came together the way it did. At times it had seemed so gloomy. He adopted my sons and we now are pregnant with our third baby. So, all together we'll have 5! I did graduate from college.with my BS in ECE after struggling though for 6 years along with my mama's foot in my buttocks non-stop.
Neither of my son's biological father's have ever been active in there lives. I am grateful for that because it has aloud us to be a family. My son's know my history. We are a very open family and talk about everything. It is what it is and there's no hiding it. I truly hope that they will learn from it and make better choices than I did.
As for my mom, her tough love was the key. She never took over parenting for me. I am sure she wanted to rescue my son from my choices, especially when I moved in with the second guy. She didn't. I know it was hard to watch me struggle and fail, but I think I needed to do that in order to find my way. She couldn't hold my hand. She aloud me to live in her home, but under very strict rules (that I hated at the time). Some of her rules were: in-college full time (if I wasn't working), I had to find my own childcare (she did help pay along with student loans), but it was my responsibility to care for my sons in all aspects. She never changed a diaper or got up in the middle of the night. She simply provided me food, shelter, and love so that I had the opportunity to stop digging and climb the ladder to success.
I know you are heart broken and probably feel like you have failed yourself. (My mom told me years later that was how she felt.) I would give your dd guidance and rules that will help her be successful if she chooses to live in your home. I would not enable her to continue making bad choices. Love her, pray for her, and know that it will all work out.
My sons are 11 and 9 now and they are truly the best things that have ever happened to me. They changed my life.
Hope my story helps you.
Jesus-loving, helpmate to Billy and Unschooling mama to a six and one on the way!